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And Then There Were Two: Part 3



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Sun Sep 11, 2011 10:48 pm
constantia says...



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Day 4 – 4:42 pm


“Everything will be fine, sir,” the nurse soothed, her tone hardly hardening as her professional self returned to the surface.

James was quiet as he kept his eyes on the sleeping form of his wife, but Julie saw that a faint smile had curled his lips.

Words still helped after all. She was glad to have been of any help. With that, she slipped out of the room and into the expansive hallways of the hospital.


It’s amazing how words can make or break a person, and James chose for the nurse’s words to “make him” – to help calm his fears.

Turning to Abigail with the most relaxed look he’d had on his face since she ended up here, James took in her sleeping features with a longing, affectionate gaze. He felt relatively at peace for the first time in days.

“And then there were two,” he said softly, leaning back on his chair.

A small smile crept onto James’ lips as he mused about the night Abigail had first said that to him.

It had been nearly nine years ago when Ryan initially tried setting James up with Abigail’s sister, Sammy. But in some odd twist of fate, Sammy had ended up running off with an ex-boyfriend, and she had begged Abigail to just deal with James for the night.

By the time Ryan and James had gotten to Abigail and Sammy’s apartment that night, Sammy had already left and it was just Abigail there. Ryan, after hearing the news, had slipped away in a hurry. He never had been a very good planner, and he didn’t want James to kill him for screwing up his Friday night. No one had told the boys about Sammy’s impulsive change of plans, and so James was confused and quite irritated after Abigail had taken the time to explain everything to him.

Soon enough, however, James’ irritation had simmered down into exasperation, and he decided to just let it go and settle himself on the girls’ couch. He seriously debated for a moment whether or not Abigail was really the boring, stickler-for-the-rules-type that Ryan had once described her as.

Regardless, James honestly would have already been gone by then – except, Ryan was the one with a car that night. James had allowed him to drive, initially having planned to take Sammy to a place that was a few blocks away from the apartment. Since he was suddenly dateless, though, it was pointless.

“And then there were two,” Abigail released on a sigh as she plopped down on the couch next to James after everything had settled that night. She didn’t seem to be bothered at all by the mix up, and it significantly eased James’ spirits. She had such a bubbly, carefree mood. He could argue that that was what attracted him, despite her job occupation.

Abigail was and always had been a homicide detective, but there was hardly anything that screamed “homicide” about her. That is, until she had a case to work on. Then it was as if she was a completely different person. She would become a hard, tough, and straight-edge cop when the time called for it. That was probably the side of herself that she often showed to Ryan and sort-of freaking him out.

But nonetheless, she never failed to express that she was still a woman who could make a man swoon at her feet if she ever felt the urge. Heck, she barely had to try to make James swoon almost every time he caught sight of her. But then again, she had always had him whipped since those five words she had spoken to him on their first “date”.

Okay, so slight exaggeration. But those were her words.

As James thought back on these memories of his wife, he only seemed to sink lower into a pool of hopelessness. He started thinking of the things he loved about her and how much he would miss them if she ever left him for good. His mind even drifted to her flaws – the silly quirks that usually drove him crazy. But instead of feeling craze-driven, he actually missed her quirks even more than he cared to admit.

To James, Abigail Rowan-Fischer was gorgeous and brainy, tough but understanding, independent and stubborn as hell but never above admitting when she’s wrong. She would resort to excessively biting her nails when she was nervous, and her practical jokes could sometimes get a bit more out of hand than a cop should exemplify. If she was angry enough, she could probably even kick a hole into a wall with heel-clad feet.

James was well aware that Abigail was anything by perfect. But she was perfect for him.

She was his ideal, though he knew her and didn’t all at the same time. She was a contradiction, a mystery – and he hoped and prayed that God would give him more time to solve it.



/*/*/



Spoiler! :
I know this one was super short, and I'm sorry for that ... but there's a reason for everything, my friends! This has set the stage for where I plan to go next. We have gained momentum, and the finale is near!(:

I guarantee "Part 4 - Fin" will be extra long, and hopefully you'll all enjoy it. Though, because of its promised length, I might need a little more than a day to get it posted... Haha But hey, patience is a virtue, yes? lol

Thanks for reading!
xo gummies


Anyone wanna say anything? Any constructive criticism for anything? At all? Please?(:
  





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Mon Sep 19, 2011 8:22 pm
Tranquility says...



Hi :)
OK I'm going to start with, I haven't read any of your previous works and yet I was still drawn into the characters and wanted to know more about them. That's very good. I also really liked that you didnt only concentrate on how amazing she is but on her flaws too, it made the story a whole lot more relatable!

Now a bit of constructive criticism to be listened to or ignored as you like :)
"She was glad to have been of any help" - maybe she was glad to have been some help? I dont know and maybe it's petty but it does ruin what otherwise is a sentence that makes the nurse a much nicer person...
And another petty point, "she barely had to try to make James swoon almost every time he caught sight of her". Maybe find another word for swoon since it has such feminine connotations and I'm sure you want James to come across as manly and not swooning... just an opinion.
Also the word exemplify seems a bit formal?? Not sure where exactly you used it....
I had a few other issues but mostly minor that I'm sure you will pick up and change as you go along, and apart from those tiny pointers I loved the obvious build up to a story and your description of Abigail biting her nails and yet kicking through walls was lovely. Keep writing, and I hope this helped a bit!
T x
This is what we do. Lift our eyes to the snarl and smile of the world once more.With love: the passionate search for a truth other than our own. With longing: the pure, ineffable yearning to be saved. For so long as fate keeps waiting, we live on. God help us. God forgive us. We live on. - Shantaram
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 7:54 pm
Audy says...



Gummiebaerrs,

I hope you don't mind I review this chapter as a standalone :) So let's begin, shall we?

Immediately I get the impression that you're a competent writer, so I'm going to be a little picky, ok?

“Everything will be fine, sir,” the nurse soothed, her tone hardly hardening as her professional self returned to the surface.


Now you say the nurse is soothing this man. Soothing automatically implies a soft voice, why tell us that her tone is not hardening? Why would her tone harden?

and James chose for the nurse’s words to “make him” – to help calm his fears.

This is very awkward here. Rewrite? Just that verb "chose" somehow seems out of place.

By the time Ryan and James had gotten to Abigail and Sammy’s apartment that night, Sammy had already left and it was just Abigail there. Ryan, after hearing the news, had slipped away in a hurry. He never had been a very good planner, and he didn’t want James to kill him for screwing up his Friday night. No one had told the boys about Sammy’s impulsive change of plans, and so James was confused and quite irritated after Abigail had taken the time to explain everything to him.


This is a very helpful summary of events for me ^-^ Thank you!

“And then there were two,” Abigail released [/s]on[/s] a sigh as she plopped down on the couch next to James after everything had settled down? night



As James thought back on these memories of his wife, he only seemed to sink lower into a pool of hopelessness.


Who can blame him? She seems amazing.

A pretty good, informative chapter. I don't feel out of place reviewing this at all. However, one thing is that you do a lot of telling in this chapter. Remember to show. Show us these characters. It makes everything that much stronger and memorable as we're able to experience the character's personality for ourselves rather than be told about it. We're reading a story after all, not a character profile.

That besides, I have little complaints for the writing itself. Great job! And keep writing!

~ As always Audy
  








On some days, my will to write disappears faster than a donut at a police station.
— Arcticus