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The Other Side Chapter 1 part 2



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Mon Mar 15, 2010 2:28 pm
Nike says...



Chapter 1 part 1 is in the (New Book) The Other Side book!

I get into my room locking my door. Complete madness fills me as I sit on my bed. The sunny yellow comforter on my bed makes my room shine, the desk in front of my bed seperates my room into two parts. My phone rings and I answer it.

“Hello…” I answer with no emotion.
“Hey what’s up?” My cousin Kevin asks.
“Uh, it’s Tomek.” I get up off my bed and sit on my couch that's across from the bed.
“God, can he ever leave you alone?” I hear him tuning on his computer.
“No, he came over to wanna talk again! I left him in Bart’s hands.” I explain.
“That’s good at least,”
I put the phone onto my other ear and change the song on my iPod as it blasts Demi Lovato through the iPod Soother’s speakers.
“Hey, can you come over? It’s Friday!”
“Yeah, um I’ll just ask my mom. Hold on,” I can hear him walk up to his mom and say “Can I go to Nicki’s?” his mom says “Sure, just get the bus ticket and call me when you’re there.” “Okay mom,”
“I can come, see you,”
“See you,” And we both hang up.
I slide my phone into my pocket and get out of my room. Bart’s sitting on the computer laughing with Tomek at something. I walk downstairs and spot my mom in the kitchen.
“Hey mama, Kevin’s coming over.” I tell mom as I stand next to the kitchen counter.
“That’s great. Are you gonna make your brownies today?” My mom asks as she puts the macaroni into the boiling water.
“Uh, I’ll see.”
“What is up? Are you having a bad day?” Mom hugs me.
“Of course I am! He is here,” I tell her hair.
“Oh, Bart and Tom are friends; you have to live with that.” We pull away from each other.
“Yeah but he used me! I told Bart to stay away from ass-holes like him.”
“Nicki, I understand.”
“Yeah, you understand mom. He can be a horrible person. Bart shouldn’t be anywhere by him.
“That’s true, he should be on his sister’s side, which is you.” She leans against the kitchen counter sipping some coffee.
“Exactly, but no. It’s okay. I’ll just let him be his friend not mine.”
I hear some footsteps going down the stairs, so I open the fridge acting like I don’t notice.
“Mama, what are we eating for dinner?” I continue my act opening drawers in the fridge.
“Spaghetti,”
“Yum,” I close the fridge and spot the guys sitting on the couch playing Play station.
“Doesn’t Bart have a Play station in his room and a TV?” I whisper toward mom.
“Yeah, but they wanted to play down here I guess.” She stirs the macaroni.
“Uhuh, yeah sure. I know whose idea it was.” I walk away from the kitchen.
“Where are you headed?” Mom asks me.
I look back “Upstairs,” and I head up into my room.
*
There’s only a month ‘till summer vacation. This summer I’m headed to America. My friends cannot wait and neither can I. I hope that something good could happen to me in the summer because I’ve been through so much. I just wish.
I look out the window, looking at the neighbor’s dog as he pees everywhere he can. Good I have a girl dog, because she doesn’t pee everywhere she can.
“Nicki,” I hear that horrible voice.
I turn my head and see Tomek, as I expected.
“What?” I stand up facing him.
“We’ve gotta talk.”
“No we don’t.”
He steps closer to me as I step back.
“Just leave.” I demand pointing at the door.
He rolls his eyes and grabs my hand. I pull it away.
“Please Nicki.”
“Never ever,” I push him out the door and lock my room.
Finally, all he ever does is piss me off. He’s trying and trying to be able to use me. Why wouldn’t I hate him? All hate runs through me and I just fall onto the floor and cry. I’ve had enough of this mess.
*
Oh, I am so happy Kevin came. My life has been better since he landed at our house. These past few days have been better than last Friday.
“Kev, please don’t do that!” We both laugh.
“Oh, look! He’s gonna be shocked!” Kevin says sarcastically.
He writes in a text message to Tomek: hey Tom, I no some1 who really is digging u. Bart.
Yes, he stole Bart’s phone to type this.
“You are so bad!” I say
“Hey, you’re too.”
“Yeah, this isn’t bad, just hilarious!” We end up cracking up again.
I roll over on my bed with my stomach in pain from the laughter.
“God, my cheeks and stomach hurt!”
But after I say that Kevin stops laughing, acting like nothing ever happened. Then I see why. Tomek just walked into my room with Bart.
I clear my throat. The awkward feeling stays in the room.
“Can I have my phone back?” Bart asks.
I get up from the bed and stand next to Kevin.
“Don’t you have your phone; I mean it’s your phone, right?” I say mater-of-factually.
“Just give it!” Bart yells.
I elbow Kevin in the ribs.
“What?” He asks grabbing his side.
“You have the phone.” I whisper.
Kevin picks in his pocket and pulls out Bart’s phone handing it to him.
“Here,” He says.
Bart pulls it away and slides it into his pocket.
“Thank you.” Bart says and leaves.
What is Tomek still doing here? Isn’t he gonna follow Bart?
“Can you leave, ‘cause I’ve gotta close the door.” I say.
I grab the door waiting for him to leave. My foot starts taping.
“Come on!” I say.
Kevin pushes him away and shuts the door.
“You didn’t wanna touch him, did you?” He asks sitting on my desk chair.
“Yeah,” I sit on my bed.
“Do you think that he thinks I enjoy this?”
“Maybe, he can be stupid just by sight.” Kevin picks at his hair.
“I guess.” I lay down.

Please comment and tell me what you thought of it! :thud:
“There is no need to call me Sir, Professor.”
  





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Sun Oct 16, 2011 7:15 pm
polinkacreations says...



Hey, I'm here as requested;)
Here come nitpicks:
my room locking
- my room, locking the door.
to wanna talk again!
- to talk again.
on my iPod as it blasts Demi Lovato through the iPod Soother’s speakers.
- I like this detail, brings more life to the scene. It's Skyscraper, hopefully... <3 that song.
“See you,” And we both hang up.
- After this, the scene has ended, so I would start another paragraph.
gonna
- I don't really like the gonnas and wannas in here. Unless it's intentional, of course. Otherwise, I would replace it by something else.
I tell her hair.
- O.o this sounds strange, but I know what you mean. Replace by - "I whispered into her hair", or something along those lines.
Yeah but he used me!
yeah, but
Yeah, you understand mom.
- better if - Yeah, mom, I know you understand.
counter sipping some coffee.
- counter, sipping some coffee.
his friend not mine.
- his friend, not mine.
She stirs the macaroni.
- she replies, stirring the macaroni. And, didn't you write that it was spaghetti for dinner? :P
girl dog
- I know you don't want to use the proper term for that, but a "female dog" would sound better. :)
“What?” I stand up facing him.
“We’ve gotta talk.”
“No we don’t.”
He steps closer to me as I step back.
“Just leave.” I demand pointing at the door.
He rolls his eyes and grabs my hand. I pull it away.
“Please Nicki.”
“Never ever,” I push him out the door and lock my room.
- This sounds a bit childish, and I don't think you show enough anger at Tomek. Show Nicki's emotions towards him more to make it more effective.
I say mater-of-factually.
- I say, my voice as in a matter-of-fact as it could be/serious.
taping.
- tapping.

Plot and Characters
I think the plot you have here is very realistic, something we can all relate to, so congrats on that. But, I found the middle bit of this story confusing. Was this in the past?
Also, I find it easier to write stories in the past tense, I think they make more sense, but that's up to you.
I would like to know more about Nicki, too. How she looks like, show more emotions, as well as for the other characters.
I want to see your characters develop into my mind, not just show up on paper (or my screen).
More more more please ;)
As for the plot, I am interested to know more about Nicki's and Tomek's relationship and why it has ended so badly, so that kept me hooked, well done ;)

That's it from me, looking forward to seeing this evolve into some more chapters :P
polly xx
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss
  








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