Young Writers Society

Chapter One: Liliah




Waiting was something I wasn’t used to. It was annoying and because I had no patience, waiting seemed like torture given to me by the universe. Maybe it was karma, like maybe I did something and the only punishment the universe had for me was to make me wait.
My shoulders slumped into the couch as I concentrated on the wall clock, demanding it to go faster. They were supposed to be here half an hour ago… Was this another torturous idea the universe thought of for me? To have late arrivals in addition to waiting the entire day for someone? It hardly seemed fair.
I was all up for another addition to the family. And when I say addition I mean like a puppy or a parrot that sings happy birthday on your real birthday with a screechy voice. That’s what I had in mind when my mother decided she wanted to brighten up our home. Never in a million years had adoption crossed my mind.
The doorbell rang. I jumped off the couch and stared at our white front door owl eyed. They were here! The doorbell rang again as I slowly made my way to it. My fingers trembled over the doorknob and I didn’t understand why I was so nervous. I mean, I’ve seen him before, my ‘brother’. We spent some time together in the orphanage, whether that counted as quality time or not, I wasn’t sure. But I was nervous anyway and I think it was because he was coming home finally. To like, actually live with us as a family.
I sucked in a breath and unlocked the top lock, opening it wide so I could see them, my mom and Lucas.
It was hard not to stare at him and his milk chocolate eyes which seemed lost in their own little world. He was dressed in a forest green sweater with some Greek symbol on it and wore the denims mom bought for him a few months ago. Lucas stood a bit taller than me and that made me feel puny but I think it was just his rustled bird nest hair that gave him the extra few inches. I knew I was just fooling myself, though. I seriously just didn’t like the fact that I was older than him by two months and had to look up at him. Why didn’t we grow according to age? I would’ve been two centimeters taller than him then.
It was odd though, Lucas and I were both seventeen and that made me think why he’d never been adopted by anyone up until this point. I mean, I was sure there weren’t many older kids in these places, orphanages, anymore… Maybe something was wrong with him? Maybe he just didn’t like the other people, which I doubted because Lucas and I weren’t exactly very … close.
“Hey, Liliah,” mom greeted with her arm around his shoulder. It was embarrassing really; did she think she was hip leaning over a guy with her arm like that? But she was smiling, not that fake smile but the one I haven’t seen since dad passed away.
“Hi, mom,” I said and was taken aback by the white teeth that exposed themselves as her smile broadened. Her smile was always mesmerizing, even to me and I was her daughter. I could only imagine the effect it had on others.
“Aren’t you gonna let us in? Or do you want to keep staring?” mom asked, lifting a brow.
“Oh! Sorry,” I spattered, stepping back to allow them into the house. “I didn’t mean to stare, I was just – you know…” I mumbled off.
Mom ushered Lucas inside. “Welcome home, Lucas.” She showed a grin. “You’re now officially part of the Everstone family,” she added with glee.
I smiled at him. “Hi,” I chirped.
Lucas was probably feeling uncomfortable so I tried to be more inviting with my tone of voice. Becoming a part of a family wasn’t going to be an easy transition for him and I promised myself and mom that I would do my best to comfort him.
“Welcome home!” I stepped forward in an attempt to give him a friendly, welcoming hug but he declined with a straight evasive face. Humiliated, I stepped back.
This was how it was between the two of us. All the time!
I could see mom’s worried expression form and it bothered me. I didn’t want her to think I couldn’t handle a little rejection so I worked up a bright smile. “I can show Lucas his room,” I offered.
She set her purse down on the table and nodded. “That sounds good.”
I gave Lucas a grin and stepped into his bubble. I was sure a little close proximity wouldn’t hurt the guy. I mean, sometimes people bonded through hand holding and hugs. Physical touch could help him some and it wasn’t like I was molesting him, right?
“C’mon upstairs,” I said. My hand patted his back and he flinched a little and then narrowed his eyes on me when mom wasn’t looking.
It was also always like that. He’d give me the ‘narrow eyes’ every time I did something he didn’t like.
We walked up the stairs and as I looked over my shoulder, I thought of how much Lucas reminded me of a turtle. He was slow moving, ever so distracted with his eyes roaming around lazily and always carried with him the same bored expression. Just like a turtle.
The second story of our house consisted of four rooms; two bedrooms, one bathroom and a closet. Once we reached the top of the stairs, I walked down the hall to my room which had a cut out plastic cloud hanging on the door. Lucas’s room was adjacent to mine and the bathroom was across the hall. I had made preparations for everything and even went to the store to buy matching toothbrushes and towels for Lucas. Not to mention shaving cream and razors as well.
“This is my room,” I said, opening my door. My bedroom, as my friends have told me countless times before, was something that matched my personality apparently. Something about robin egg blue walls and soft azure comforters with big pillows seemed to speak, “Liliah”.
“I don’t like throwing away old things so it’s kinda cluttered in here,” I apologized while showing off my shelves of childhood toys and stuffed animals. “I like keeping things from my past. I guess I’m just a memory junkie,” I chuckled.
Lucas didn’t find my humor very funny because he continued showing me his unimpressed turtle face. I ended up closing my door and we turned towards his room. I hoped this would be of more interest to him.
I let Lucas open the door himself. The bedroom was blank with plain walls and a bed with a dark blue duvet. He had a desk with a laptop on it, a few books next to the TV stand we brought and a set of video games underneath which I spend countless hours picking out. Most of them were one person shooters because I figured Lucas would enjoy shooting people in the face with a sniper.
“Mom didn’t know what you really liked so left the décor options up to you. You can do whatever you want with it, just keep it clean,” I laughed, trying to break some ice.
Turtle face struck again. Ignoring me, Lucas sat on his bed as if he was testing out the mattress. With a leap, I instantly hopped on next to him with a grin. Mom got him a tempur pedic mattress which felt like sleeping on air. I wasn’t jealous that she got him such an expensive mattress, actually…maybe I was just a little bit but I knew it was because she wanted him to feel comfortable in his room.
His eyebrows creased at me and I felt a chill run up my back. He was being really mean to me but that wasn’t anything out of the blue. I wasn’t going to let him intimidate me though so I fought forward with a smile, pretending like his glare didn’t hurt me.
“Since we’re up to this point, can I call you Luke?” I asked cheerfully. “You can call me Liah, that’s what everyone calls me,” I bargained.
His eyes dove deeper as if he was trying to pierce me with a thousand needles.
I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel their stabs. “Okay,” I muttered, getting off the bed. “I’ll call you down when dinners ready…”
I left and closed the door behind me, resting my back against the cool wood. I sighed. Sometimes, I really wanted to yell at him but suppressed the urge.
When mom told me she was thinking about adopting a boy, I was seriously quite thrilled. The idea of having an older brother was exciting and I remember spending late nights up with her just chit chatting of all the possibilities. Being an only child was a bit tiring and lonely so to finally have someone to talk to, to lean on, well I was looking forward to that. But the way things were going now, I wasn’t sure that was going to happen between Luke and me.
Gathering up my disappointment and shutting it away, I went downstairs to the kitchen where mom was preparing some vegetables. Her blonde hair was tied up in a neat bun and she was wearing a knee length skirt with a white collared shirt and slippers.
Mom worked with a marketing team for a small business in downtown Chicago. The only thing she would never give up beside her family was her job. She loved going to work and figuring out what kind of people liked what kind of things. It was interesting for her.
She turned her head when she noticed me standing by the doorway. “So, what do you think?” she asked eagerly. Pulling me into a chair, she sat down with me and gave me one of those curious George looks. She was excited, I could tell but I wasn’t sure what to say to her.
Should I lie? Luke wasn’t exactly my cup of tea but mom really liked him. Like, liked him, liked him that she ended up wanting him the second she saw him at the orphanage.
“I’m sure we can all work it out,” I answered with a shrug. It was the truth. I didn’t hate Luke, I just didn’t understand him and I was sure that spending time together would mend that.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
I cocked my head in confusion. “What? What are you sorry for, mom? You didn’t do anything.”
She leaned back and idly stared at the tomato prints on our dining table’s cloth. “I know we were thinking of adopting a younger child but Liliah, I really like Luke. I hope you understand and besides, like you said, we can work out the little bumps, right?”
I gave her a warm smile. “Of course. I don’t doubt that we can.” But was ignoring me and barely talking considered a little bump?
Luke was cold to me from what I had witnessed at the orphanage and through the last few months. He was much more attached to my mom than to me. In fact, we barely had a real conversation and he was a total mute when it came to speaking to me. He’d either nod or tell me off with his ice-cold-evil stare of his. Honestly, I did my best to engage with him but he continuously gave me the cold shoulder and I had no idea why! I wasn’t ugly nor did I carry any weird diseases!
Then again, the orphanage had stated that he declined all previous offers but grew an interest in us. But if he seriously wanted to be with us then he wasn’t doing a really good job of showing it…
“He doesn’t really talk to me,” I whispered with a pout.
“Give him some time, Liliah,” mom cajoled, running her fingers through my hair. “He needs time like everyone else.” She was referring to herself and the phase she went through after dad died.
“Don’t worry, mom, I know,” I said tolerantly.
Luke wasn’t an idiot from what I knew. He was a smart guy with a brain which could be compared to Einstein’s. With that said, I was sure he was smart enough to figure out he couldn’t not talk to me forever. I mean, it’s impossible to live like that!
“Good girl,” mom praised me like a puppy and patted my head. She then got up and began cooking again.
Grabbing an orange from the center of the table, I slowly began peeling away the skin, taking apart the segments. I wondered who in the world was dumb enough to abandon such a smart kid.
As I placed the orange in my mouth, I watched my mother’s back as she moved around the kitchen. Two years ago, my father passed away in a car accident. His death left my mother shattered to the point of depression. Constantly, she visited the hospital and took medication. Every passing day made her loose willpower and strength. When I told her to find someone new, in hopes of rejuvenating her sprit, she refused. “No one can replace your father,” is what she told me.
Neither can Lucas, I wanted to tell her.
Mom turned around and set the casserole down on the table. “Alright,” she grinned, licking her lips. “Dinner’s ready. Go fetch Lucas.”
“Can you fetch him instead?” I asked since I wasn’t sure whether or not he and I were on friendly terms yet or ever would be for that matter.
Her shoulders slumped but she shook her head at me smiling. “You’re going to have to do better than that if you want this to work out,” she admonished.
“Please?” I added with a strawberry smile.
“Alright, get the plates and cups ready.” She pointed at the cupboard and went upstairs.
When Luke came down, he was in a plain white shirt and some slacks. His hands were in his pocks and he walked with one of those lean gaits that made you think he grew up on the wrong side of the block. Lucas rounded the table and sat across from me. Mom took her seat at the end of the table, in between the both of us.
“Wow, our first family dinner together,” she cooed, shifting excitedly in her chair. “I know this isn’t the first time you’ve eaten my food, Lucas, but what kinds of foods do you normally like? I’ll be sure to make them for you.”
Luke took a bite of the mashed potatoes first and then looked up at us with his fork still in his mouth. Mom and I stared at him with anticipation. I was more interested in hearing his voice rather than if he preferred Mexican or Italian.
The corners of his lips tilted up just slightly enough to make it look like a smile and that was all. He continued eating while overlooking our disappointment.
I turned at mom and she frowned with a shrug that said, ‘time, honey, time.’ But I was sure he would’ve answered the question if it was just mom and he in the room, and that made me feel like a third wheel.
“Well,” mom revived the conversation, clearing her throat, “school starts tomorrow for the both of you, excited?”
“I’m actually looking forward to going back,” I answered with glee. Looking back at Luke, I could see him pinch the peas on his plate with his fork. I guess he didn’t like the green things. Mom used to force me to eat them until I gave up being picky. I guess Luke didn’t have that luxury.
I peeked at him and suddenly the thought of going to school together popped into my head. How would it feel like to walk to and from school together? Maybe we shared some classes. Would he make friends? Would he be bullied? My stomach became heavy with the thought.
I looked at him again. He was crouched over his plate with his elbow on the table. That was bad table manners but I didn’t say anything. Slowly, his eyes lifted to mine and we stared at each other for a brief second. I didn’t know what I was thinking, if I was thinking at all but there was a silent message behind his eyes there.
‘I dare you.’
I bit my lip, feeling immobilized. Dare me to do what? What was I going to do? I didn’t understand this message but then again, I didn’t understand him. Maybe I was just overthinking this because of my misunderstanding…maybe he was giving me ‘narrow eyes’ again but what for? Because I was excited for school? That didn’t even make any sense! I wanted to stand up and tell him I couldn’t read his mind but that would’ve been inappropriate.
When his attention went back to the mashed potatoes, I took in a deep, silent breath and shut my eyes for a second. I groaned inwardly. Luke was going to be a tough nut to crack and school was going to be a difficult quest to conquer.


Changes to be expected:




Taboo Official Club: Free penguin with membership!

PINK.

You know, I don't know if I've ever reviewed something of yours, and I can't wrap my head around why or why not. Maybe because this is in the romantic section, which I usually avoid for the sake of my status as a law-abiding citizen? At any rate, I haven't read the original version of this, so all my opinions are based off this alone.

I'm trying to work on a new reviewing style that's simultaneously less time-consuming for me and more helpful for you, so I'm going to just jump right to my point and say that yeah, as first chapters go, this wasn't exactly riveting. It had a sort of typical YA feel to it, and there's plenty of tightening and trimming and shaping and polishing that you could do. I could spend the next hour breaking all that down to you, but that's not my biggest beef.

My biggest beef (am I allowed to say that as a vegetarian?) is that you're sitting on a giant pool of untapped ooey-gooey deliciousness here, and that it's going unnoticed in favor of a rather drab, typical YA MLIA beginning.

What did you need to accomplish in this chapter? Introduce Luke, introduce Liliah, introduce the mother, explain why the family's adopting this kid, etc, explain that Luke's a little bit strange, etc. And you do accomplish all that... but... There's such depth you could go to. Yes, in the first chapter. And you could do so much of it via showing instead of exposition. And...

Here's what I mean. There's a few sentences that perked my attention here:

Like, liked him, liked him that she ended up wanting him the second she saw him at the orphanage.

This, and the line later where the mom pats her on the head like a puppy, gave me this impression of the mom as going into the orphanage and selecting a kid the way you might select a dog from a shelter. It was a brilliant moment of characterization, and I'm begging you to do more with it.

Then there's also Liah's naivete, and sort of...well, high school-ishness. She's all excited to go back because she'll get to see her friends and maybe that boy that's really cute and that's her world. Even the way she describes the loss of her dad was sort of, "Well, that was two years ago." And she's mostly concerned with herself the entire chapter, not with how it must be to be seventeen and adopted into a new family after being abandoned or left behind or whatever the case is.

And then, Luke here, with his turtle-ness and quietness.

You have the recipe for some stellarly interesting dynamics and workings, with bits of information woven in here and there to clarify and expand, all of that doing double-duty as character development. You could start the scene later, or earlier. My ears also perked up when Liah mentioned going to buy razors and shaving cream, because that one brilliant line was oozing something and I kept getting this image of this teenage girl in a store buying men stuff and thinking of how thoughtful a sister she is and being quite pleased with herself.

You could start the scene with her buying the razors. Or with her buying the video games. Or at their first dinner. Or even just where you have it.

Just tap into those dynamics. They're there, waiting. What is she doing while she's waiting? Eagerly going around his room, adjusting things in hopes he'll notice and say something? Or sitting there staring at the door?

And she's met this guy before (how many times, for how long?) but that feeling didn't come across for me, not with how excited she was still.

So, yeah. More emotion, more dynamics. Have fun with your characters! Live that dialogue! Tap into that potential.

I don't know if you can smell the scent of dramatic deliciousness waiting to happen, but it is making me antsy over here in Berlin.

Any questions, you know the drill. My Wall and mailbox are also always open for brainstorming.

Rach

Hi PinK!

“Hi, Mom,”

I said, and was taken aback by the white teeth that exposed themselves as her smile broadened.

You don't need these extra words.

spattered,

stuttered? I don't think spattered is a word, but ya know, maybe it is. *shrugs*

I smiled at him. “Hi,” I chirped.

This is a little wordy too. Choose one. I chirped or I smiled at him or "Hi," I chirped, smiling at him.That's much better than having it on either side.

easy transition for him, and I promised myself and mom that I would do my best to comfort him.

I think a comma goes there, to break it up.

welcoming hug, but he declined with a straight evasive face. Humiliated, I stepped back.

Comma there too, I think.

This was how it was between the two of us. All the time!

How does she know that? Above I got the impression that she had only met him briefly. Maybe expand a little?

wasn’t like I was molesting him, right?

Mwhaha

every time I did something he didn’t like. Which, apparently was every five seconds.

Something here.

unimpressed turtle face.

<3

Curious George

<3 You're good at these metaphors for people's expressions...

my cup of tea, but mom really liked him.

A comma here I think too.

Like, liked him, liked him so much that she ended up wanting him the second she saw him at the orphanage.

I wasn’t ugly, nor did I carry any weird diseases!

“Don’t worry, Mom, I know,”

First let me say: This is the most amazing thing I have ever read, your amazing everything about this is amazing.

Now, let me also say that all this stuff can be taken with a grain of salt. That comma stuff, is suggestions, and I'm not sure if their right or not >.< I'm not good with that stuff.
Anyway, goodjob <3

Please post on my wall when the next chapter comes out! I really want to know what happens!
So far, really good

Hey there!

So, I saw you posted this a couple of days ago and as I don't think I've ever read anything by you, it went straight onto my reading list.

As a first chapter, this is okay, but I definitely agree with what Rach said about it being full of potential. Especially this part -

“So, what do you think?” she asked eagerly. Pulling me into a chair, she sat down with me and gave me one of those curious George looks. She was excited, I could tell but I wasn’t sure what to say to her.
Should I lie? Luke wasn’t exactly my cup of tea but mom really liked him. Like, liked him, liked him that she ended up wanting him the second she saw him at the orphanage.

I had the exact same thought with this part. The way you describe the mum, is almost as if she picked a dog rather than a kid/teen. She seems really over excited, like she can't wait to see if he can do any tricks. This isn't a bad thing. I rather liked this about the mum - it gave her character some depth. I liked how you described her when she's working too. It gave me a great picture of what she's like. She seems caring and enthusiastic. I do think there's room to milk that here. You could maybe add in something small about the first time they'd met Luke or when her mum had come home from the orphanage, all excited about seeing Luke. It doesn't have to be a huge paragraph, but even a sentence would help to build on the mum's character and the background to the story.

Every passing day made her loose willpower and strength.

'loose' should be 'lose'

***

Overall, I can't wait to read more. I want to know why Luke's the way he is with Liah. I think the split POVs will help to make this novel even better, too. I'd love to know what Luke's thinking when he's making his unimpressed turtle face. Liah seems caring and like she wants to be friend's with Luke, so I'm intrigued to see how much longer she'll put up with his cold shoulder for.

I hope this helps!

xDudettex

Dad! I don't even remember how long it's been since I last read something from you, so I'm gonna change that, 'kay?

Oh, I like our Lei! She's so much fun, seriously. I mean, she's too innocent and still caring about the fact what her height is. I have never seen girls of her age really bother themselves about that stuff, even though I might be totally wrong. And I'd like to mention that her character is coming out much more out of the paper than it did before, so I'd like to think the rewrite's done you good.

Alright, so I don't know what exactly I should be saying right now. Because this chapter didn't catch my attention at all. I know you've mentioned it yourself that it's kind of boring and all, but I'd like to mention it myself. I know you can do a lot better than this, and I'm sure when you'll edit more that would show. But right now, this chapter was not at all thrilling for me. I mean, it had the totally opposite effect to what the first chapter of the first version had. I know you haven't changed much and it's probably somewhere just like the earlier version, but it still didn't excite me. Sorry. I also know I'm probably just confusing you.

“I’m actually looking forward to going back,” I answered with glee.

Uhm, sorry, I shouldn't be that picky, but the word 'glee' in this chapter's been repeated too often and it's actually sort of boring to read it so many times. Maybe you could change that?

I won't grumble much and say things which would end up confusing you. So, I'd like to tell you that the chapter looked better in the last. Maybe you need to spice up things more in the beginning, make it more interesting somehow. I'd suggest to add in more description-make the house visible to us. Make Lucas more visible to us. I hope you're getting me.

Other thing, I wasn't pleased with your opener. I liked the message you had, and your intentions but somehow it wasn't that appealing for an opening paragraph. You should have done something better. I know you can. But if you decide to change it, don't forget about this thought and do use ti somewhere else 'cause I really liked it.


G'luck!