Young Writers Society

2

December
Ever since my birthday two months ago, me and Declan have been inseparable. Mum found out I have a boyfriend, but she doesn’t know who he is or how old he really is, because I won‘t say. Declan and I have been snogging after school in his car behind a bush, even in Sainsburys car park. He’s been taking me out for dinner, took me to the cinema just so we could sit at the back and snog. He’s so dreamy and sweet and I… I think I love him. I just know I’m going to be with him forever.
It close to Christmas now, and I’ve been thinking about buying Declan a gold bracelet that I found in the Argos catalogue. I stole twenty quid off my mum and bought it. Hopefully mum will never notice she’s got twenty pounds dosh missing out of her wallet.

Me and Declan have been snogging everywhere: McDonalds car parks, the cinema and even in a hedge. It’s weird, because although how much I feel awful about lying to him, I love him too much to say anything about it anymore.
“You ready?” Declan asked, taking his belt off while I undid my bra.
I couldn’t speak, I was all hyped up about our special night. Tonight, me and Declan were going to do ‘it’ for the first time. I was so nervous, the thought of it made my heart beat a million beats per minute. Declan was snogging my neck and making these strange noises. I was thinking about using safety, as I didn’t want to get pregnant, but nobody gets pregnant on the first go do they? I mean, it took my brother and his girlfriend 2 years until she got pregnant. It can't be that easy to get pregnant, considering that it took my brother's girlfriend so long, right?
We crawled into bed and it kind of hurt at the start, I‘m not sure why, I mean, Tammy said it never hurt her, but then I shouldn‘t really believe what she says. After a few minutes I forgot about the pain, and imagined me and Declan in a huge house, with loads of kids and we was so in love.
Then the whole thing was over. This secured our relationship and made me feel so grown up, like I’ve wanted to feel since I was ten. He left my flat about one hour afterwards, because mum called to say she was on her way home.
I knew she thought I had my boyfriend round, she knows me to well. Ever since Tammy opened her big mouth to my snobby mother she’s been like a hawk, and is desperate to know who my lover boy is. He’s no lover boy, he’s a lover man.

“Has Declan even said the L word to you yet?” Darla asked, crunching her celery. She’s weird like that.
“Um… yeah, loads. He says it all the time,” I lie. I didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of my best friend and the lover girl, Tammy.
“Really? I bet you haven’t even had sex yet, with your mum keeping a close eye on you,” Tammy blabbed, right behind my ex-crush.
“And who’s fault would that be?” I stared into Tammy’s deep brown eyes. “As a matter of fact, we have had sex.” I tried to keep my voice down low, as there was about nine teachers patrolling the lunch line.
Tammy, Darla and Linley, Tammy’s gorgeous and terribly dumb tag along friend, stared in disbelief.
“Twice.” I lied again. Technically twice, because we tried to do it for the second time, but mum came home early so Declan had to dash.
“Seriously? I don’t believe you, Evan.” Linley smirked, flinging her long blonde hair behind her shoulder.
“I do! Evan is such a bad girl and would do anything to get in trouble with her mum or the teachers!” Darla wailed.
“You wouldn’t,” I muttered to myself, picking up a slice of pizza and taking it to the till.

All I could think about in school was me and Declan, in bed together again obviously. The way he made me feel was… amazing, even though it was painful, but I‘m not going to moan. I loved it and how it. It made me feel so grown up was incredible, he was really good too. I‘m not exactly experienced or anything, but hey, at least I‘ve had sex, and a good one with the guy I truly love.

Miss Chester, my history teacher, was droaning on to me about how I should appreciate school, because when I’m older I’m gonna only wish to come back and live like a child again.
“Ooh, Miss Chester. You are way to old to understand,” she raised an eyebrow as I spoke, “I’ll never want to come back to this dump. Never.”
“You will when you leave school with horrific grades and unable to get a job.” Miss Chester explained.
“No, no, no. My job will be precisely an awesome wife and a hot mum. And a good one at that. Now, if you have finished moaning on at me, I have someone to meet, so can I go?” I pleaded, already making my way for the door.
“I suppose so. But please, work harder and try to get at least a C in your exam next week,” Mrs Chester asked. Although, I’m not sure if she was asking me or it was just a statement I will never do.
Did we even get told we had an exam? Jeez, no one seems to be telling me anything lately. T
The highest grade I’ve ever gotten in my exams was a D or an E. I doubt I’ll ever get any higher than those grades.



Declan’s been telling me all about his Christmas party he holds every year at his house. As he was explaining all the balloons and whose invited, I was trying to think why I’ve never been to his house. I mean, he’s been to my place loads. His place - never.
I just thought it was because he was scared Lola might jump up on me or something and scratch my beautiful legs. Maybe he’s embarrassed because I’ve never seen a man’s house so clean before.
He said I’m not invited because Declan was worried about me being around all his friends who are way older than me and so immature and flirty. But I am eighteen to him, aren’t I? Anyway, I just shrugged my shoulders and acted like I didn’t care. When really, my heart was sinking.
I returned home after an hours session of snogging with Declan.
“Er… Mum?” I stumbled over this guys coat which was flung onto the floor.
They both looked up. “What honey?” Mum asked, sounding peeved off.
“Don’t give me that,” I grabbed mum by her shirt and dragged her into the kitchen. “You are such a slut. You think you can go around snogging any guy you meet now? One word: pathetic.”
“Excuse me but you‘re no saint. And who are you to judge? You‘re just a kid, stay out of my love life,” mum said.
“I‘m no kid, mum. Believe me, I‘m so grown up you can‘t hide nothing from me. And love life? You‘ve probably only been with him for five bloody minutes!”
“Oh give over, he‘s a lovely man, much nicer than all the others,”
“There’s a shocker,” mum always says this to try to convince me one guy is perfect for her. But then they always turn out they’re after our microwave oven or kettle and we end up with one kitchen appliance short.
“Robert is different, he doesn’t like microwave ovens,” then she walked off wiggling her slutty buttocks to ‘Robert‘. Women her age shouldn’t kiss anymore. Not on the lips anyway.

All I’m saying is, my life would be so much easier if mum was living somewhere other than with me. I mean, I love her a bit, a small bit, so she should move out with her new guy and leave me and Declan in peace. And besides, Declan is the only person who I wanna be with at Christmas, and I’m sure mum’ll hate it if Robert ends up going away so she’ll have to be with me. And to be honest, that would be awful too.
Declan was on the phone, it was so lucky mum was in bed.
“Hey babes,” he sung, I smiled with glee.
“Hi,” I said very sexily, but it didn’t work so well.
“So… You know when we was talking about that really nice restaurant last night.,” he carried on, “and you were saying you’d love to go there on Christmas Eve. Just the two of us.”
“Yeah,”
“Well, I’m not gonna be here at Christmas,” he said quickly, waiting for my response. My face dropped from excited to disappointment.
“Why?!” I cried.
“Because me and the guys are going to Manchester for some gig us lads are doing. Look, babes, I gotta go. Bye,”
“Bye… babes,” My voice wobbled in misery. Bye? Is that all he could come up with?

I was devastated now that it’s gonna be another crappy Christmas with mum and her drunken mates. When Declan goes off THIS Saturday to Manchester, I’ll be on my own, at home sitting alone with my gobby mother and her friends. A 15 year old girl shouldn’t have to put up with this sorrow at Christmas. It just doesn’t seem fair.

Okay, so I reviewed your first chapter, and thought I'd do the second one as well. And oh boy, oh boy isn't there a plot twist? Declan isn't the perfect guy she thought he was, is he? *smiles smugly* I'm beginning to like this.

Right, nitpicks.

because although how much I feel awful about lying to him, I love him too much to say anything about it anymore.

Scratch 'how much'. It doesn't make sense.

angel007angel wrote: I didn’t wanna get pregnant

'Didn't want to' would be correct.

It can’t be that easy to get pregnant, considering my brother managed it, is it?

Maybe, 'It can't be that easy to get pregnant, considering that it took my brother's girlfriend so long, right?' Because her brother can't get pregnant.

angel007angel wrote:We crawled into bed and did our thing

This isn't enough. You can't explain how hyped she is about it, how she's still a virgin and how it's her first time and then just write one sentence about it. This sounds like something an experienced prostitute might say, not a virgin.

And a good one at that

Really? It's her first time. Most people hate their first time, especially girls. This is because it is very painful. It is very, very, very, very rare to feel pleasure during your first time. This is slightly unrealistic, I believe.

I loved it. [color=#BF0000Iit[/color]made me feel so grown up was incredible. He was really good, too.

Didn't you say he was a virgin in the last chapter? Maybe he lied, but even if that's true, wouldn't she get suspicious if her lover boy was so amazing and it was only his first time?

Love ya

You did say that she lied when she told her friend he said 'I love you'. But then, here he is, saying it. Hmm...

Right.

Evan

Evan was less whiny, but there was still a hint of it. I still think she has a long way to go, but seeing where this story's going, I now understand why.

I do hope to see her aspire to be more than a mother and wife. Perhaps a hidden talent she never knew she posessed that eventually makes her want to pursue a career? I love strong female leads. Don't make her a weakling.

Her mom

It becomes obvious here that her mom does care about her daughter, so I'm glad you showed that bit of her here.

Declan

My, isn't he a jerk? And I wonder why he won't let her go to his house. Hmm... mystery man here. I want to find out more! Good job

I won't comment on her friends, I'll just point out that you need to flesh them out a little more. Right now, they're boring and cliche.

Plot

I like it. I understand it's one of those becoming-more-mature-through-dating-the-wrong-kind-of-guy type of things, and that puts a whole new edge to it. I sincerely hope she doesn't get pregnant off this idiotic guy and she meets someone else! In the first chapter, he seemed nice, but now you've revealed his true purpose, this novel makes a lot more sense. Good job! Keep writing

Hello there. Just dropping in to leave a review since it's always so sad when works go under-reviewed.

Before I start, I just want to mention that I haven't read the first chapter, and I likely won't considering this isn't my preferred reading fare. It's got nothing to do with your writing itself; I just am not personally interested in these sorts of stories, generally.

That said, I was struck by how realistic your narrator sounded. She actually sounds like a fifteen-year-old, which is absolutely great. Unfortunately, aside from her characterization, there wasn't much characterization going around. Everyone else, except perhaps Declan, was flatter than cardboard, which is a shame. Oftentimes, the supporting characters in a work are what really take it beyond just a decent or good story to a great one, and having flat supports is like using cardboard to build a house: it's just not that good of an idea if you want the house to last.

So try fleshing out your supporting characters. Something that might help is writing little snippets of the scenes in a chapter from their point of view. Get inside their heads, or let them into yours if that's how you roll, and hint at their own personal beliefs, motivations, habits, etc. Basically, showcase them as individuals rather than just things defined entirely by their relationship to the main character/narrator.