Young Writers Society

Madison

A summer breeze came and kissed my face as I sat outside with my friends. They were all cuddled in their boyfriend's arms and here I was, the fifth wheel. Surprisingly, there is such a thing.

I wasn't the one for romance because I believed that I wasn't ready for a relationship and I was right. They say that the bloom of youth is an impulsive stage and full of regrets. The last thing I wanted to do during my youth is do something I will regret. I wanted to be the women, when asked by my daughter of who was my first love, that would just simply point across the room at her father. I know...it may sound impossible but it really isn't.

All my friends looked comfortable, talking to their boyfriends with looks that showed that they were in love...or lost in lust. I wasn't the one to judge them but I did warn them. These guys weren't my friends first boyfriends, but one broken heart should do.

"Madison, what are you doing later?" Teresa asked me

Teresa is my best friend and the treasurer of our youth ministry at church. She's a brunette with gentle green eyes and olive skin.

"We should go to the beach later,"I chimed. This hot weather was killing me and I needed water other than the water from my bathtub.

Her boyfriend Jake smiled at this idea. Probably because it's a reason to see his girlfriend in a bikini. Jake's a gentle giant ; a sweetheart but he still was a boy. Tyler, May's boyfriend, was sensitive and he was very protective of her . May could be mistaken for a swimsuit model with her voluptuous and her long blonde hair and Tyler was her perfect match with the matching blond hair except his was dirty blonde. If I wasn't so reluctant to dating in high school, I could see a future for these couples.

I frowned at the idea though. "But I could always stay home. You guys have your things to do,"

Both of my friends frowned, looking a little guilty. Jake and Tyler exchanged looks and took their arms off their girlfriends.

"Well we got to go do something. You girls talk," Tyler said and then both of them left

"Madison, how long are you going to remain single?" May asked

If there was one word to describe May, it would be blunt. I was a little hurt by her comment; she knew the reason why I don't date.

"Remember?" I asked " I made a promise,"

Teresa had more sympathy on me and she went to hug me. "Our poor Madison. She has to stay dedicated, remember?"

They both didn't take my serious dedication to Christianity so seriously, but I tried not to let it bother me.

Riiiiiiinnnnnggggg

I let out a sigh of relief. This conversation did not have to continue.

I gathered my stuff quickly after Teresa released her grip on me. We were going to be late for Chemistry so we started to run, but then a group of boys bumped into me , sending both me and my books flying. They kept on running and I could hear some of them laughing.

God give me patience, I huffed

A brown hand took one of my books and held it in front of my face. I took it and looked at my helper. He had grey eyes just like mine but they were so menacing yet inviting.

From the corner of my eye, I could see Teresa and May, standing a few feet behind me.

I looked back at the boy and put all my books in my bag. "What? Is it illegal to drop your books unintentionally?"

This was a statement towards his scowl.

"Your welcome," he said, along with a chuckle

I was surprised at my lack of being formal, so I smiled back and said "Thank you,"

He walked opposite of me, with his hands in his pockets.

"Do you know who that was?" asked Teresa

I simply shrugged and continued walking to class

"That was Andre Michaels, " May informed me

"So?" I was a little annoyed

"Madison, he looked interested," Teresa chimed

I rolled my eyes and kept on walking. May walked past me and then turned around.

"Madison, I love you but what I do wish for you is to live a little,"

She turned her back to me and started walking even faster. I lowered my eyes and held closely to my bag while Teresa put her arm around me giving me a 'it's okay' hug.

"She's right, you know," I whispered to her

"You don't know," she replied "But we all need that taste of life, Madison. You can't lock yourself in forever,"

The rehearsal date had already come, and the church members were bouncing in their seats, as they drove through the city.
Madison looked back at her choir, kneeling on her seat.

"Okay guys. I hope all of you are excited as I am...."

Madison's words drifted as, AJ, the youth choir's vice president, admired her beauty. Commas not needed after as and AJ. Also, "admired her beauty" sounds a little corny. I would find a more subtle way to imply that he's attracted to her, and add some description about her appearance.

She's perfect. He will love her He will love her? Or does?

Aj took out his cellphone and gave a quick text to his waiting recipient:

She's here

The phone vibrated, indicating that his recipient had replied.

Get her out early so he can get a quick look at her. Does she look easy? Since it states that he's known her for so long, wouldn't he already know if she would be easy or not? Also, the way this is worded is...a little weird...

Aj had knownMadison ever since they were toddlers. They'd both taken karate lessons and Madison recently became a black belt. During her last test, she received no scratches and bruises and nearly gave one of her opponents a concussion. No, she was not easy but back then, she was up against man. She stood no chance to machine.

"Aj....Aj," Aj sat up in his seat, looking directly at her. She smiled. "Glad to know you're awake."

He loved her smile. He would take Madison for himself but even if he did, she would be tracked down within a few seconds. No, he had to retire, but who could retire from the life he created for himself? He had demons to deal with and they weren't going to go away easily. No, Madison was not for him. He couldn't put her through that. He could do it with any other girl, but not her. She was different. I like that he really only thinks about her, but the fact that he only points out her appearance makes it seem skin-deep. Maybe mention a couple personality traits along with it? ie. "infectious/giggling/sweet-hearted smile" - some clue to what he loves about her personally.

He won't be able to handle her. I give him two weeks. Who is "I?"

The phone vibrated again and, stealing a glance at the text, he shut off his phone and opened Madison's door.

"Start praying," he told the choir members. Taking Madison's hand, he climbed the stairs with her to the church door.

"She's perfect," Tyler whispered to Andre. I feel like their last names should've been included, as well as who they are in relation to the story and characters.

Andre simply nodded and cringed. What am I doing here? I don't even know her. What if she's a complete bitch? I don't deal with girls like that.

Tyler nudged him in the stomach and gestured for Andre to follow him. They walked to the back entrance of the church and waited for their cue. The church had indoor hallways and Aj's cue showed that the singers had made it inside the church and into the sanctuary. Tyler and Andre stood outside the sanctuary, preparing themselves.

"Okay, please choir. Make it to your positions," Madison ordered. Their neighboring church cancelled on them, so they were left to rehearse on their own.

As the choir made it to their spots, Madison tried to steal a quick prayer, but Aj pulled her out of her stance and had her warm up the choir.

Time Trix. That's what we don't have

That's what made Aj shut off his phone. He did not take commands from anyone.

"Let's start the song," Aj urged

"Aj, are you okay?"Madison asked At this point I feel like there just isn't enough body language shown through it. Often that portrays almost 90% of the conversation, even in novels.

He looked at her and walked to the door. "No"

The doors flew open and in came two masked guys, both armed. Andre stood in front of Aj, his gun aimed at Madison. She looked at the gun but she felt no threat. Unexpectedly, the girl ran towards Andre, dodging his bullets. Before he could shoot at her again, she had knocked the gun out of his hands. She wanted a fair game.

Okay, so basically this just needed more depth. We need to be able to really understand your characters, to see them from every angle, because currently they seem one-dimensional and uninteresting. We don't get enough of their personalities to be able to really feed off of them, and that definitely causes a gap in the story. On the other hand, I'm curious to see where this plot goes, and if you continue to tweak and add detail, I think this could be interesting.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Hey there!

You have an interesting start to a novel here. Your main character is saving herself for real love, for a her perfect guy. It's a nice thought but, if my predictions are right, she's probably going to fall in love in this story 'cause this is posted in romance stories, right. But I can't help thinking that she's going to have to get her heart broken if there's going to be any conflict in the story. Or, she could always fall out with her friends or start questioning her faith... Sorry, I go a bit overboard when I start predicting what's going to happen in a story. It's a good sign though, as it means you've got me thinking. You've opened up the door to the reader for them to start wondering what's going to happen to your characters.

I do have two main nit-piks to point out -

1. Dialogue.

"Madison, how long are you going to remain single?" May asked

Here, you need to add fullstops or periods after the sentence has ended. I noticed you failed to do this at some points in the story.

"Remember?" I asked " I made a promise,"

And here, I noticed that you haven't quite got the hang of formatting a sentence with dialogue. You're almost there, but it should read like this.

'"Remember?" I asked. "I made a promise."'

Again, you missed the punctuation at the end of the sentence, and you also need to add a fullstop/ period after the first lot of dialogue has ended, so here it's after 'asked'.

2. Past tense.

So I've noticed that you've chosen to write this in past tense. That's fine, but it means when you write things like this

Teresa is my best friend and the treasurer of our youth ministry at church.

and this

The last thing I wanted to do during my youth is do something I will regret.

you need to be careful. Basically, when you've described something as 'is' it should be 'was' instead.

E.g - 'The last thing I wanted to do during my youth was do something I would regret.'

It seems strange, especially when it's something like 'she was my best friend,' but it's the correct way to write it when you're using past tense. I got mixed up at first when I started writing, and I sometimes still do now, but it doesn't take long to get into the swing of things

***

So, overall, I don't think you have a bad start to a story here. You've got me wondering whether the guy who helped her pick up her books will be 'the guy' or not. You've put maybes in the reader's mind already, which is good.

I do think you tend to tell at times, rather than show. Like when you're describing the girls and their boyfriends. You don't have to throw their descriptions in in the first chapter. In a short story it's not as bad because you have a smaller word limit, but when writing a novel, you've got chapters to describe them to the reader. You can afford to do in in dribs and drabs rather than all at once. It's just something to think about, I suppose.

I hope this helps and if you have any questions, write on my wall

xDudettex

OH MY OH MY
of course they are some kinks to work out but, i love it. You are doing great. x)
i feel kinda late though since you are on chapter eight already...

Hey, I have to agree with xDudettex on this one..
a lot of punctuation missing.
Also, on one of the parts, it says: has a vouluptuous and [...] hair."
What I'm trying to say is, a vuluptuous what? Body? make sure to include that.
Otherwise, I love it. I really want to read more. I want to get to know this Andre boy. he sounds like a big mystery to me.
I feel a little late though, since your're probably already on Chapter Ten or so.
Anyways,
later,
~bulletthru101