Young Writers Society

Chapter Two

Walking through the hallways was usually my only escape. It was a time when I was alone. I loved to think that I was just another girl at school, walking through the hallways. In some ways I was, to people who didn’t know me and people who didn’t care or pay attention to Damien. I was just another girl, and I loved that feeling. I was normal. I was just another girl, but in reality life was not that simple.

Teenagers swarmed the hallways, the noise was loud and demanding, some voices carried better then the others. Talking about there boyfriends and talking about their parents. I clicked my tongue, and pushed past a couple of girls standing in the middle of the hallway. I didn’t look back at them because I knew I would get dirty looks, and I was pissed off as it was already, with Damien’s stunt at lunch and Math class with Mr. Bull. Then again, there was that new kid, what was his name? Daniel? He would have to find a group at this school.

Kids in this school stayed in there clicks and didn’t really talk to anyone outside of them. I was a loner, nobody talk to me expect Damien really and his crew, Bret, Brandon, Roselyn, and Kayleigh. Other than that it was people making fun of me or Keara, everyone in the school loved Keara. She was so fun and had such a bubbly personality, and always very optimistic.

We had two textbooks in Science and one in math, then again with binders, and everything else. I guess my arms should feel like this, as if they were about to fall off. I scrambled over to my locker, fidgeting with the lock till it came undone. As I lifted my arms out to put all my stuff in, I felt a strong blow hit my side and my books tumbled through my hands and to the floor, me falling along with it all. I grabbed my side as it throbbed with a sharp pain. I heard a snap and a bright light blinded me and a rapidly closed my eyes.

“Nicely done Beth! This will look great in the year book,” Laughter followed from Bret’s mouth. I looked up to see Bret and Brandon, Bret standing there with a textbook which was obviously what he used to kill my side, and Brandon with the camera. They were the jocks; they took all the easy courses like yearbook and foods so they could focus on football and Rugby.

“Don’t be so rude you Jerk!” Brandon said as he laughed, I tried to smile to make it seem like I didn’t feel so momentarily scared by this. Brandon looked down at me sincerely and helped me up.

“He can be a jerk sometimes eh?” Brandon asked, I faked a laugh, I knew it sounded fake to, Brandon gave me this weird look.

“Ya… he can be” I answered, Brandon turned back to Bret and showed him the picture of me, I stood there awkwardly as I put my books in my locker, they hollered loudly. I bit my lip, closing my locker and turning back to them.

“Another classic!” Bret said as he glared at me and smirked. Another common saying regarding me and more laughter followed. I am very clumsy and shy willed, so I end up doing a lot of stuff like this.

“This will look great in the year book” Brandon exclaimed, he shoot me a look and a quick wink. I knew he would let Bret put it in. I walked off with my coat; I wouldn’t scoop down to Bret’s level. I had hated him since the second day in Winter, he always thought he was so cool, and amazing and made fun of anyone that he believed was below him.

“Beth!” Damien yelled. I froze and closed my eyes. I could feel his body pressing up against mine. He grabbed my coat and I could feel him easing it on to my arms and up my shoulders. His hands were cold on my bare arms, when he had it on; he eased his hands down the side of my body caressing my torso. I grabbed his wrists and pushed them away. When I finally opening my eyes, his face was inches from my mine. I took a step back only to have him take a step forward.

“Stop” I begged. Tears swelled up in my eyes. No, please… This can’t happen… I hate crying this much… At the time it seemed really stupid how much I had cried in the last year. I was never happy. Never. He back away, grabbing my hand and led me toward the parking lot. His rusty black pickup truck stood there as strong as it could, you could see the grey metal from wear patching of paint had peeled off. We moved towards it, my feet rubbing against the sole of my shoes. His hands roughly clenched my dry wrist; I felt a serge weight pulling me like chackles on a prisoner.

The car ride was short and luckily so. I saw a large brick building form beside the truck. A neon sign blinking uncontrollably and a blue door swung in and out. I looked at the curved blue neon tubes that formed the familiar words that slowed my heart and made me feel more secure in his presence.

Diner.

He got out of the truck slamming the door and gently re-opening mine. He always seemed to have mood swings, one minute he was fierce and demanding like a captor to his captive and other moments he was as gentile as a textile fabric, that is soft against your skin, something you would never be scared of. I easily took his hand, and he led me into the Diner. I didn’t want to seem too distant, like me he had a past, a history that hurt him. I didn’t want to hurt him more by rejecting him. No matter what happened to me.

The diner was the one place in town that had a bit of history to it, the 60’s seemed stuck in this little building like a song bird stuck in a cage. The loud swing music blared, and soft red cushioned chairs lined the sides of the building. A burger bar sat in the middle, with sugar frosted cups, burgers and fries and order slips being slashed to dash. Servers were in blue 60’s dresses and roller skates; they were talking to the customers and laughing with joy. I smile tipped the side of my mouth as I looked at the topiary bush as we were led to a table. The diner was as busy as always, teens came here just like they did in the decades before, with they friends ordering milkshakes and onion rings.

We sate down comfortably, him on one side of the table me on the other, I picked up a menu and glanced at the pages, I knew what I wanted but this gave me something to do so Damien would keep quite. I flipped the pages lightly, my fingers gripping the side of the page and jilted it to the other side, for me to only find more options for me to order. The menu never changed.

“So.” Damien started, I knew this was coming, only a few months till high school was over. He wanted a plan, for us to move in… move away… I didn’t even know anymore, I didn’t want to know. I looked up annoyed; maybe if I did he would wait till later to talk about this.

I looked up, but I didn’t look into his eyes, I couldn’t, I never felt like I could look him in the eyes. They scared me, I thought if I did, I would feel something for him, something more them sympathy and anger. I didn’t want to feel more for him, I was too scared to feel more.

“I think we should move to Montreal. I want to go to McGill for university, we both can” He said, I looked out the window noticing a silvery blue corvette parking outside the Diner. We never saw fancy cars like that in small town Winter, Saskatchewan. The car parked easily, the door opened and Daniel stepped out. My heart skipped a beat. His auburn hair flew with the wind and his leather jacket perfectly molded to his muscular frame. I felt a strong hand grab my jaw, and wiped my head forward. Damien sat there looking at innocent as ever.

Damien’s straight black hair was cut short and gelled at the tips. His yellow dressed shirt was crumpled and you could finely see his white under shirt underneath. He was a good looking guy but he still disgusted me, and made me feel as queasy as my memories. A smile stretched across his face, a face untouched by age. In fact, none of him looked affected by age at all. His shoulders were broad, and his chin quite defined. Every girl in school was after him, yet he wanted me as his victim.

“Did you hear me love?” He raged fiercely. I nodded and he let me go. I heard the door open and the small chimes above them ringing delightfully. I could hear Daniel as he walked through the diner and towards us. Damien looked up and his smile widened.

“Dan! My man!” They slapped hands, and Daniel sat down beside Damien and across from me. I was so shocked. I didn’t know they knew each other. I guess they must have had classes together after Mr. Bull’s classes. He looked at me strongly, his dark blue eyes darting into mine. It was if he saw something in me. Something nobody else could see. Maybe it was happiness, or maybe it was courage.

“You’re Elizabeth, right?” Daniel asked me. I looked at him, was he truly interested? He really confused me; I had never met someone like him, someone I couldn’t read. His eyes told me nothing, they looked sad but happy at the same time, and it was as if his whole life was held in those eyes. Those dark blue eyes.

“Uh… yes. You can call m-me Beth” I staggered. The consoler at school thought I had a speech problem, but I only stuttered when Damien was around, when I could feel his presence. Usually he would wait for me outside the consoler’s office. So I always knew he was there. Damien glared at me and grabbed my hand. I tried to pull it away but he gripped it and held my hand in his, digging his finger nails in my palm to warn me not to try that again. The waitress came to our table and asked for our order. Damien spoke for us all and ordered two chocolate milkshakes, a glass of water, three cheese burgers, and a large order of fries.

“So Dan, how do you like Winter, Saskatchewan so far?” Damien asked, he was still holding my hand.
“It’s small… very small” Daniel answered and leaned back in the booth and sighed, resting his head on the back of the seat.

“W-why did you move here?” I asked, he looked up at me and smiled. I shrank back in the red leather cushion.
“This is where my only family is left. My parents died a couple years ago, and my god mother died last week. My grandma lives here in town” He answered.

“I’m sorry” I said. I looked at him directly. I didn’t stutter. My breath quickened, and my heart danced in my chest. This guy was like no one I had ever met. I felt something for him. I noticed the gentleness in his ways. The way he had sat down, the way he looked at me. As if he was trying to figure me out as well. Damien let go of my hand, and look pulled out his phone. I pulled my hand towards me, and rubbed it where he had dug his nails. Three tiny marks looked engraved in my skin. Damien frowned.

“I have to go you guys. Bret needs me” Daniel stood up to let Damien out, Damien walked to my side of the table and laid a quick kiss on my cheek, it was like a brand being burned into my skin. It was him officially marking me as if, tell Daniel to back off. I could still feel the kiss as he walked away, burning into my skin.

“Take her home for me, will ya?” Damien asked Daniel, Daniel nodded and Damien strutted out the door.

I figured the easiest way to do this was to quote the whole thing a notate it. So here's my review:

A little choppy right here

Heaving heavily in, my mind swirled with random thoughts. Walking through the hallways was usually my only escape. It was a time when I was alone. I loved to think that I was just another girl at school, walking through the hallways. In some ways I was, to people who didn’t know me and people who didn’t care or pay attention to Damien. I was just another girl, and I loved that feeling. I was normal. I was just another girl, but in reality life was not that simple. cliche



Teenagers swarmed the hallways, the noise was loud and demanding some voices carried better then the others.
incorrect grammar in red
Talking about there boyfriends and talking about there stupid parents. I clicked my tongue, and pushed past a couple of girls standing in the middle of the hallway. I didn’t look back at them because I knew a dirty look would follow my being.
clarify
We had two textbooks in English and one in Math, then again with binders, and everything else. I guess my arms should feel like this, as if they were about to fall off. I scrambled over to my locker, fidgeting with the lock till it came undone. As I lifted my arms out to put all my stuff in, a bright flash blinded me and my books tumbled through my hands and to the floor, me falling along with it all. Two more flashing went off.



“Nicely done Beth! This will look great in the year book,” Laughter followed from multiple mouths. I looked up seeing Bret and his crew. They were the jocks; they took all the easy courses like yearbook and foods so they could focus on football and Rugby.

“Another classic!” Another common saying and more laughter followed. I am very clumsy and shy willed, I do a lot of stuff like this. I picked myself up quietly, shoving all my books in the locker and walked off with my coat. I wouldn’t scoop down to their level. Especially when tears were growing at the side of my eyes.

“Beth!” Damien yelled. I froze and closed my eyes. I could feel his body pressing against me. He grabbed my coat and I could feel him easing it on to my arms and up my shoulders. His hands were cold on my bare arms, when he had it on; he eased his hands down the side of my body caressing my breasts. I grabbed his wrists and pushed them away. When I finally opening my eyes, his face was inches from my mine. I took a step back only to have him take a step forward.
This whole thing right here is actually really good

“P…please…” I begged. The tears swelled up faster. No, please… This can’t happen… I hate crying this much… At the time it seemed really stupid how much I had cried in the last year. I was never happy. Never. He back away, grabbed my hand and led me toward the parking lot. His rusty black pickup truck stood there as strong as it could. We moved towards it, my feet rubbing against the sole of my shoes. His hands roughly clenched my dry wrist; I felt a serge weight pulling me like chackles on a prisoner.

The car ride was short and luckily so. I saw a large brick building form beside the truck. I neon sign blinking uncontrollably and a blue door swung in and out. I looked at the curved neon tubes that formed the familiar words that slowed my heart and made me feel more secure in his presence. Diner.

He got out of the truck slamming the door and gently re-opening mine. He always seemed to have mood swings, one minute he was fierce and demanding like a captor to his captive and other moments he was as gentile as a textile fabric, that is soft against your skin, something you would never be scared of. I easily took his hand, and he led me into the diner.

This was the one place in town that had a bit of history to it, the 60’s seemed stuck in this little building like a song bird stuck in a cage. The loud swing music blared, and soft red cushioned chairs lined the sides of the building. A burger bar sat in the middle, with sugar frosted cups, burgers and fries and order slips being slashed to dash. Servers were in blue 60’s dresses and roller skates, they were talking to the customers and laughing with joy. I smile tipped the side of my mouth and we were led to a table. The diner was as busy as always, teens came here just like they did in the decades before, with they friends ordering milkshakes and onion rings.



We sate down comfortably, him on one side of the table me on the other, I picked up a menu and glanced at the pages, I knew what I wanted but this gave me something to do so Damien would keep quite. I flipped the pages lightly, my fingers gripping the side of the page and jilted it to the other side, for me to only find more options for me to order. The menu never changed.



“So.” Damien started, I knew this was coming, barley a year left till high school was over. He wanted a plan, for us to move in… move away… I didn’t even know anymore, I didn’t want to know. I looked up annoyed, maybe if I did he would wait till later to talk about this.

“I think we should move to Montreal. I want to go to McGill for university, we both can” He said, I looked away. Why? Why was this happening to me? I looked out the window noticing a silvery blue corvette parking outside the Diner. We never saw fancy cars like that in small town Winter Saskatchewan. The car parked easily, the door opened and Brandon stepped out. My heart skipped a beat. His brown hair swirled around in the wind and his leather jacket perfectly molded to his muscular frame. I felt a strong hand grab my jaw, and wiped my head forward. Damien sat there looking at innocent as ever.

“Did you hear me love?” He raged fiercely. I nodded and he let me go. I heard the door open and the small chimes above them ringing delightfully. I could hear Brandon as he walked through the diner and towards us. Damien looked up and smiled.

“Brandon! my man!” They slapped hands, and he sat down beside Damien and across from me. I was so shocked. I didn’t know they knew each other. I guess they must have had classes after Mr. Bull’s class. He looked at me strongly, his dark blue eyes darting into mine. It was if he saw something in me. Something nobody else could see. Maybe it was happiness, or maybe it was courage.

“You’re Elizabeth, right?” Brandon asked me. I looked at him, was he truly interested? He really confused me; I had never met someone like him, someone I couldn’t read. His eyes told me nothing, they looked said but happy at the same time, it was as if his whole life was held in those eyes. Those dark blue eyes.

“Uh… yes. You can call m…me Beth” I staggered. The consoler at school thought I had a speech problem, but I only stuttered when Damien was around, when I could feel his presence. Usually he would wait for me outside the consoler’s office. So I always knew he was there. Damien looked at me and grabbed my hand. I tried to pull it away but he grabbed it and held my hand in his, digging his finger nails in my palm to warn me not to try that again. The waitress came to our table and asked for our order. Damien spoke for us all and ordered two chocolate milkshakes, a glass of water, three cheese burgers, and a large order of fries.

“So Brandon, how do you like Winter, Saskatchewan so far?” Damien asked, he was still holding my hand.

“It’s small… very small” Brandon answered, leaned back in the booth and sighed, resting his head on the back of the seat.

“W…why did you move here?” I asked, he looked up at me and smiled. I shrank back in the red leather cushion.

“This is where my only family is left. My parents died a couple years ago, and my god mother died last week. My grandma lives here in town” He answered.

“I’m sorry” I said. I looked at him directly. I didn’t stutter. My breath quickened, and my heart danced in my chest. This guy was like no one I had ever met. I felt something for him. I noticed the gentleness in his ways. The way he had sat down, the way he looked at me. As if he was trying to figure me out as well. Damien let go of my hand, and look pulled out his phone. He frowned.

Use of description is really good here

“I have to go you guys. Bret needs me” Brandon stood up to let Damien out, Damien walked to my side of the table and laid a quick kiss on my cheek.

“Take her home for me, will ya?” Damien asked Brandon, Brandon nodded and Damien walked away.

I figured the easiest way to do this was to quote the whole thing a notate it. So here's my review:

A little choppy right here

Heaving heavily in, my mind swirled with random thoughts. Walking through the hallways was usually my only escape. It was a time when I was alone. I loved to think that I was just another girl at school, walking through the hallways. In some ways I was, to people who didn’t know me and people who didn’t care or pay attention to Damien. I was just another girl, and I loved that feeling. I was normal. I was just another girl, but in reality life was not that simple.

cliche

Teenagers swarmed the hallways, the noise was loud and demanding some voices carried better then the others.

incorrect grammar in red

Talking about there boyfriends and talking about there stupid parents. I clicked my tongue, and pushed past a couple of girls standing in the middle of the hallway. I didn’t look back at them because I knew a dirty look would follow my being.

clarify

We had two textbooks in English and one in Math, then again with binders, and everything else. I guess my arms should feel like this, as if they were about to fall off. I scrambled over to my locker, fidgeting with the lock till it came undone. As I lifted my arms out to put all my stuff in, a bright flash blinded me and my books tumbled through my hands and to the floor, me falling along with it all. Two more flashing went off.



“Nicely done Beth! This will look great in the year book,” Laughter followed from multiple mouths. I looked up seeing Bret and his crew. They were the jocks; they took all the easy courses like yearbook and foods so they could focus on football and Rugby.

“Another classic!” Another common saying and more laughter followed. I am very clumsy and shy willed, I do a lot of stuff like this. I picked myself up quietly, shoving all my books in the locker and walked off with my coat. I wouldn’t scoop down to their level. Especially when tears were growing at the side of my eyes.

“Beth!” Damien yelled. I froze and closed my eyes. I could feel his body pressing against me. He grabbed my coat and I could feel him easing it on to my arms and up my shoulders. His hands were cold on my bare arms, when he had it on; he eased his hands down the side of my body caressing my breasts. I grabbed his wrists and pushed them away. When I finally opening my eyes, his face was inches from my mine. I took a step back only to have him take a step forward.

This whole thing right here is actually really good

“P…please…” I begged. The tears swelled up faster. No, please… This can’t happen… I hate crying this much… At the time it seemed really stupid how much I had cried in the last year. I was never happy. Never. He back away, grabbed my hand and led me toward the parking lot. His rusty black pickup truck stood there as strong as it could. We moved towards it, my feet rubbing against the sole of my shoes. His hands roughly clenched my dry wrist; I felt a serge weight pulling me like chackles on a prisoner.

The car ride was short and luckily so. I saw a large brick building form beside the truck. I neon sign blinking uncontrollably and a blue door swung in and out. I looked at the curved neon tubes that formed the familiar words that slowed my heart and made me feel more secure in his presence. Diner.

He got out of the truck slamming the door and gently re-opening mine. He always seemed to have mood swings, one minute he was fierce and demanding like a captor to his captive and other moments he was as gentile as a textile fabric, that is soft against your skin, something you would never be scared of. I easily took his hand, and he led me into the diner.

This was the one place in town that had a bit of history to it, the 60’s seemed stuck in this little building like a song bird stuck in a cage. The loud swing music blared, and soft red cushioned chairs lined the sides of the building. A burger bar sat in the middle, with sugar frosted cups, burgers and fries and order slips being slashed to dash. Servers were in blue 60’s dresses and roller skates, they were talking to the customers and laughing with joy. I smile tipped the side of my mouth and we were led to a table. The diner was as busy as always, teens came here just like they did in the decades before, with they friends ordering milkshakes and onion rings.



We sate down comfortably, him on one side of the table me on the other, I picked up a menu and glanced at the pages, I knew what I wanted but this gave me something to do so Damien would keep quite. I flipped the pages lightly, my fingers gripping the side of the page and jilted it to the other side, for me to only find more options for me to order. The menu never changed.



“So.” Damien started, I knew this was coming, barley a year left till high school was over. He wanted a plan, for us to move in… move away… I didn’t even know anymore, I didn’t want to know. I looked up annoyed, maybe if I did he would wait till later to talk about this.

“I think we should move to Montreal. I want to go to McGill for university, we both can” He said, I looked away. Why? Why was this happening to me? I looked out the window noticing a silvery blue corvette parking outside the Diner. We never saw fancy cars like that in small town Winter Saskatchewan. The car parked easily, the door opened and Brandon stepped out. My heart skipped a beat. His brown hair swirled around in the wind and his leather jacket perfectly molded to his muscular frame. I felt a strong hand grab my jaw, and wiped my head forward. Damien sat there looking at innocent as ever.

“Did you hear me love?” He raged fiercely. I nodded and he let me go. I heard the door open and the small chimes above them ringing delightfully. I could hear Brandon as he walked through the diner and towards us. Damien looked up and smiled.

“Brandon! my man!” They slapped hands, and he sat down beside Damien and across from me. I was so shocked. I didn’t know they knew each other. I guess they must have had classes after Mr. Bull’s class. He looked at me strongly, his dark blue eyes darting into mine. It was if he saw something in me. Something nobody else could see. Maybe it was happiness, or maybe it was courage.

“You’re Elizabeth, right?” Brandon asked me. I looked at him, was he truly interested? He really confused me; I had never met someone like him, someone I couldn’t read. His eyes told me nothing, they looked said but happy at the same time, it was as if his whole life was held in those eyes. Those dark blue eyes.

“Uh… yes. You can call m…me Beth” I staggered. The consoler at school thought I had a speech problem, but I only stuttered when Damien was around, when I could feel his presence. Usually he would wait for me outside the consoler’s office. So I always knew he was there. Damien looked at me and grabbed my hand. I tried to pull it away but he grabbed it and held my hand in his, digging his finger nails in my palm to warn me not to try that again. The waitress came to our table and asked for our order. Damien spoke for us all and ordered two chocolate milkshakes, a glass of water, three cheese burgers, and a large order of fries.

“So Brandon, how do you like Winter, Saskatchewan so far?” Damien asked, he was still holding my hand.

“It’s small… very small” Brandon answered, leaned back in the booth and sighed, resting his head on the back of the seat.

“W…why did you move here?” I asked, he looked up at me and smiled. I shrank back in the red leather cushion.

“This is where my only family is left. My parents died a couple years ago, and my god mother died last week. My grandma lives here in town” He answered.

“I’m sorry” I said. I looked at him directly. I didn’t stutter. My breath quickened, and my heart danced in my chest. This guy was like no one I had ever met. I felt something for him. I noticed the gentleness in his ways. The way he had sat down, the way he looked at me. As if he was trying to figure me out as well. Damien let go of my hand, and look pulled out his phone. He frowned.

Use of description is really good here

“I have to go you guys. Bret needs me” Brandon stood up to let Damien out, Damien walked to my side of the table and laid a quick kiss on my cheek.

“Take her home for me, will ya?” Damien asked Brandon, Brandon nodded and Damien walked away.

[/quote]

Heaving heavily in, my mind swirled with random thoughts. Quite a weak first sentence, not to mention it's awkwardly written. "Heaving heavily in" should be reworded, it just isn't working for your story. Walking through the hallways was usually my only escape. It was a time when I was alone. Except, she isn't alone, she's walking through a crowded hallway, correct? So she's actually very much not alone. So, since that makes no sense, I will assume that you mean in her head. The thing is, you don't really give the impression that you mean in in a metaphoric way. I loved to think that I was just another girl at school, walking through the hallways. In some ways I was, to people who didn’t know me and people who didn’t care or pay attention to Damien. I was just another girl, and I loved that feeling. I was normal. I was just another girl, but in reality life was not that simple.
Do you see how many times you repeat "I was just another girl"? It gets to be too much, try rewording it or coming up with something new to say. Don't just repeat the same thing time and time again, expand on it.


Teenagers swarmed the hallways, the noise was loud the word 'loud' is a lazy word, like saying "the girl was nice and pretty" and demanding(put a period or an "and" here. Right now it doesn't fit together) some voices carried better then (*than - you should really know the proper use of these, in case it's confusing you, take a look at this the others. Talking about there boyfriends and talking about there you really should know the difference between "there, their, and they're". Read this, and do your best to never mix them up again. Grammar is an important part of writing. If you can't understand it, especially the basics, how do you expect to write anything well? stupid parents. I clicked my tongue,(remove the comma here) and pushed past a couple of girls standing in the middle of the hallway. She clicked her tongue? What an odd thing to do I didn’t look back at them because I knew a dirty look would follow my being. "My being" doesn't fit in the sentence; it's the wrong piece in the puzzle.

We had two textbooks in English and one in math, The review before me had capitalized 'math'. Don't change it, you have it right the way it is now. Do not capitalize a subject unless it's a language or a number follows it. For example: Math 20, English, Spanish, Biology 30 then again with binders, and everything else. I guess my arms should feel like this, as if they were about to fall off. I scrambled over to my locker, fidgeting with the lock till until it came undone. As I lifted my arms out to put all my stuff in, a bright flash blinded me and my books tumbled through my hands and to the floor, me falling along with it all.The last bit sounds awkward - "me falling alone with it". Also, I can see why she dropped her books, that's understandable considering she's very tense at the moment, but why would she fall. I mean, honestly. Two more flashing flashes went off.



“Nicely done Beth! This will look great in the year book,(period instead)” Laughter followed from multiple mouths. I looked up seeing Bret and his crew. They were the jocks; they took all the easy courses like yearbook and foods so they could focus on football and rugby.

“Another classic!”Another common saying and I would just take that whole bit out, it sounds awkward and has no business being there More laughter followed. I am very clumsy and shy willed, I do a lot of stuff like this. This sentence is almost annoying. Don't tell us she's shy and clumsy, show us. Which you actually have been doing, so I don't see why you have to refresh our memory with a sentence like this I picked myself up quietly, shoving all my books in the locker and walked off with my coat. I wouldn’t scoop down to their level. Scoop down to their level, is that right? It sounds like there's something off about it Especially when tears were growing at the side of my eyes.

“Beth!” Damien yelled. I froze and closed my eyes. I could feel his body pressing against me. He grabbed my coat and I could feel him easing it on to my arms and up my shoulders. His hands were cold on my bare arms,(period instead) When he had it on;(change the semi-colon to a comma) he eased his hands down the side of my body(comma) caressing my breasts. Really? In the middle of school? I grabbed his wrists and pushed them away. When I finally opening my eyes, his face was inches from my mine. I took a step back only to have him take a step forward.

“P…please…” I begged. The tears swelled up faster. No, please… This can’t happen… I hate crying this much… At the time it seemed really stupid how much I had cried in the last year. I was never happy. Never. He back away, grabbed my hand and led me toward the parking lot. His rusty black pickup truck stood there as strong as it could. We moved towards it, my feet rubbing against the sole of my shoes. As his hands roughly clenched my dry wrists;(change to a comma) I felt a serge weight pulling me like chackles on a prisoner.

The car ride was short and luckily so. So she's just going to let this guy take her god-knows-where without even a word from either? That's hard to believe I saw a large brick building form beside the truck. A neon sign blinking blinked uncontrollably and a blue door swung in and out. I looked at the curved neon tubes that formed the familiar words that slowed my heart and made me feel more secure in his presence. Diner. It's named "Diner"?

He got out of the truck(comma) slamming the door and gently re-opening mine. He always seemed to have mood swings, one minute he was fierce and demanding like a captor to his captive and other moments he was as gentile as a textile fabric, that is soft against your skin, something you would never be scared of. I easily took his hand,(no comma) and he led me into the diner.

This was the one place in town that had a bit of history to it, the 60’s seemed stuck in this little building like a song bird stuck in a cage. The loud swing music blared,(no comma) and soft red cushioned chairs lined the sides of the building room? She is inside now, right?. A burger bar sat in the middle, with sugar frosted cups, burgers and fries and order slips being slashed to dash. Servers were in blue 60's dresses and roller skates, they were talking to the customers and laughing with joy. A smile tipped the side of my mouth and we were led to a table. The diner was as busy as always, teens came here just like they did in the decades before, with they friends ordering milkshakes and onion rings.



We sate down comfortably, him on one side of the table me on the other,(period instead) I picked up a menu and glanced at the pages, I knew what I wanted but this gave me something to do so Damien would keep quite quiet. I flipped the pages lightly, my fingers gripping the side of the page and jilted it to the other side, for me to only find more options for me to order. the bolded bit is really just bad. I would take it out, not only does it sound awkward, but it sounds dumb as well The menu never changed.



“So.(comma instead)” Damien started, I knew this was coming, barley a year left till until high school was over. He wanted a plan, for us to move in… move away… I didn’t even know anymore, I didn’t want to know. I looked up annoyed, maybe if I did he would wait till later to talk about this.

“I think we should move to Montreal. I want to go to McGill for university, we both can(comma)” He said,(change the comma to an and) I looked away. Why? Why was this happening to me? I looked out the window and noticednoticing a silvery blue corvette parking outside the diner. We never saw fancy cars like that in small town Winter Saskatchewan. The car parked easily, the door opened and Brandon stepped out. My heart skipped a beat. His brown hair swirled around in the wind and his leather jacket perfectly molded to his muscular frame. I felt a strong hand grab my jaw, and wiped whip my head forward. Damien sat there looking as innocent as ever.

“Did you hear me(comma) love?” he raged fiercely. I nodded and he let me go. I heard the door open and the small chimes above them ringing ringed delightfully. I could hear Brandon as he walked through the diner and towards us. Damien looked up and smiled.

“Brandon! My man!” They slapped hands,(no comma) and he sat down beside Damien and(replace the and with a comma) across from me. I was so shocked. I didn’t know they knew each other. I guess they must have had classes after Mr. Bull’s class. He looked at me strongly, his dark blue eyes darting into mine. It was if he saw something in me. Something nobody else could see. Maybe it was happiness, or maybe it was courage. Why would he see that when she's a shy depressing girl?

“You’re Elizabeth, right?” Brandon asked me. I looked at him, was he truly interested? He really confused me; I had never met someone like him, someone I couldn’t read. His eyes told me nothing, they looked said sad but happy at the same time, it was as if his whole life was held in those eyes. Those dark blue eyes.

“Uh… yes. You can call m…me Beth(comma)” I staggered. The consoler at school thought I had a speech problem, but I only stuttered when Damien was around, when I could feel his presence. Usually he would wait for me outside the consoler’s office. So I always knew he was there. Damien looked at me and grabbed my hand. I tried to pull it away but he grabbed it and held my hand in his, digging his finger (fingernails is one word)nails in my palm to warn me not to try that again. The waitress came to our table and asked for our order. Damien spoke for us all and ordered two chocolate milkshakes, a glass of water, three cheese burgers, and a large order of fries.

“So Brandon, how do you like Winter, Saskatchewan so far?” Damien asked, he was still holding my hand.

“It’s small… very small(comma)” Brandon answered, leaned back in the booth and sighed, resting his head on the back of the seat.

“W…why did you move here?” I asked, he looked up at me and smiled. I shrank back in the red leather cushion.

“This is where my only family is left. My parents died a couple years ago, and my god mother died last week. My grandma lives here in town(comma)” he answered.

“I’m sorry(comma)” I said. I looked at him directly. I didn’t stutter. My breath quickened, and my heart danced in my chest. This guy was like no one I had ever met. I felt something for him. I noticed the gentleness in his ways. The way he had sat down, the way he looked at me. As if he was trying to figure me out as well. Damien let go of my hand, and look pulled out his phone. He frowned.

“I have to go(comma) you guys. Bret needs me(period)” Brandon stood up to let Damien out, Damien walked to my side of the table and laid a quick kiss on my cheek.

“Take her home for me, will ya?” Damien asked Brandon, Brandon nodded and Damien walked away.

I think what you need to focus on for the next chapter you write is grammar. Mostly, you should focus on dialogue because you don't seem to understand how it works.
This is how you write it:
"I'm sorry" I said.
This is the proper way:
"I'm sorry," I said.

Dialogue isn't a special part of literature that doesn't use punctuation. You need something there and most of the time it's a comma. Some examples:
"Sally is going shopping," John said.
"Sally is going shopping!" John yelled.
"Sally is going shopping." John walked away.
If it has a dialogue tag (ie- he said, she screamed, etc) then it needs a comma. Unless you use something else, such as a question mark or an exclamation mark, it needs a comma. If there is no dialogue tag, and an action follows afterwards, use a period. That is the third example. If this didn't make much sense, feel free to look it up, but I think you should take the time to educate yourself.
Also, to keep in mind, try to make your story seem less cliche and fake. The part where she falls because someone takes a picture of her is lame at best. She didn't slip on anything, no one pushed her, so why is she falling? Try to make it more believable. That way, more people can relate to the story. I do hope this was of some help!