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Undescribable Love (Chapter 1)



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Gender: Male
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Sat Oct 22, 2011 7:53 pm
Danny17 says...



Today i'll be heading to Abigail's house and I gotta say I am pretty nervous about going to her house just before New Years Eve. What if her parents decide to come check up on her, i'll be seriously busted that's what'll happen. What if they find out that i'm younger than her and that I ain't that much of a big deal of a man, my hair is black, my eyes are an onyx brown but i'm pretty tan if I say so myself. Anyways I got everything ready for the weekend, clothes, my wallet and... I really don't need much. My phone started ringing... Its Abigail.
"Hi Abigail" I said with joy.
"Hi Dennis, are you ready?"-
"Yeah i'm ready, did your parents already leave?"-
"Yes they did so when are leaving?"
"I'll leave right away, call you when i'm near kay"
"Okay Dennis ill be waiting, love you Dennis"
"Me too Abigail, bye"
I hung up and left to her house, you might be thinking why I don't say "I love you" much right, well I don't like to say things more than its needed because the more you constantly say a word or phrase it loses its meaning... I let my actions and body say what I feel.

The road seemed to take an eternity but I enjoyed every second of it. That vast blue sky, the river by the side of the road was so clean. Its kinda obvious because Abigail lives more to the country and I live in the city, its a two hour and a half ride if the traffic doesn't slow me down. I'm getting near her house, I should call her.
..." Hi Abigail i'm almost there"
"Really!?"-
"Yes, in fact I just got out of the car in front of your house" I said with a big smile.
She hung up before I could tell her anything else and in just a second she opened the door, stood there for a moment, then she started running towards me. The moment Abigail hugged me my heart started beating rapidly, I hugged her back and said "Abigail... don't let go... I want to be like this a little longer"-
"Dennis..."-
"Yes"-
"I missed you so much Dennis"
She started crying, but I knew it was out of joy.
I looked down at her and gave her a kiss, she did like when I gave her one out of the blue, and I loved seeing her happy. After a few minutes she invited me inside, obvious right, at first it felt weird that we where in the same house all alone, and no it wasn't 'that' kind of feeling. It felt like we just had a glimpse of what married life would feel.

Hours passed we were in the living room cuddling. For once we felt like we had time to spare to be with each other and no one to interfere. It might be weird though, a second year student thinking about marriage... It is true that I feel more mature than she is in a lot of things and she might be a bit childish, even though that's one of the things I love about her, but when i'm with her age just doesn't matter anymore, the only thing that matters is that we love each other and that's it.
She started cooking something for both of us, by the way I can't cook so I help her with the house work, and after we ate we went to her room just to lye there watching each other, studying our faces and how we reacted, Its things like these that count in a relationship its not all about who talks more or less at least that's what I think. Then Abigail said.
"Dennis, this is amazing. Only the two of us in the house, with three whole days for us. I think i'm dreaming but if its a dream I don't want to wake up."-
"This might seem unreal for the both of us... but we are here that's what counts Abigail."-
"Dennis... do you remember when we first met?'-
"Of course how could I forget"-
"Remember the cruise, that black sky that was filled with stars, the sunset... everything." she said nostalgically.
" I remember everything... those were the best days of my life."

Yes those really where the best days of my life. It was my sixteenth birthday, dad decided to take us to a cruise and I was really exited. The first three days of the cruise I met a lot of people who are now very close friends some even started to follow me to have a grate time, but i'll talk about it later on. I met Abigail on the third day in a club. I was with all my new friends hanging out and just talking, but there was a new girl in our side. She looked at me a lot so I decided to test her, I went to dance a little farther from everyone and then she moved and sat near to where I was dancing, so I decided to stop dancing and sit next to her and talk.
"I haven't seen you around here, you like to dance?" I said trying to sound cool... and it did.
"Yes I wanted to see how it was in here, and yes I like to dance." She answered with a very tempting smile.
We danced the rest of the night away till the club closed. The whole group of friend went to get some ice cream, very manly right, everybody stayed with a partner, and I was with her, kinda obvious right, there I noticed something not right, she had a ring and a very "special" one to be exact. She told me she was going to get married to some guy and believe me that hurt. Two more days passed and all of the group, including us, were in the top floor. I asked one of my close friends to take the people the the floor below because I wanted to stay alone with Abigail. He did go... After minutes of torturing by staying longer and laughing, but in the end they left. I told her that it didn't matter if she was going to get married or not, that what I felt was real. Just after I said that I stole a kiss from her. After that the next day we stayed up till five in the morning and we watched the sunrise half asleep but we watched it. It was already the last day and we were about to say our goodbyes... She started crying all of a sudden, she told me that she had a feeling that she would never see me again but I told her that we could still see each other as long as we communicated so I left her at that and she tried to calm down. We went our separate ways but we still talked, thanks to that no we see each other every week. That is how we met and now i'm back from daydreaming.

After she told me if I remember we talked for a while about what happened and how we passed it. We slept for a while so we could stay up for the whole night, duh its New Years Eve. When we woke up it felt great because we never had woken up in the same bed, she one of us usually left before the night ended so our parents wouldn't notice.
"Let's take a shower together." Abigail said a little drowsy from waking up-
"Okay lets take one before its eleven, we need to get prepared for the new year."
We took a shower got comfortable and when outside to watch the fireworks. The TV was on so we were hearing the count down. Fireworks started to fly all over the sky, the sounds could be heard all over the town, and the lights were all turned of over the town...
"Happy new year Abigail" I said with a warm smile.-
"Happy New year... I love you Dennis." she was about to cry when she said that.-
"I love you more Abigail... Never forget it, I'll always love you no matter what" I said just before I hugged her.
"Dennis..."-
"Yes Abigail..."
"You said I love you, you usually don't say it and it makes me very happy to hear you say it"
I kissed her and we had a night of greater passion than ever before.
Last edited by Danny17 on Sun Oct 23, 2011 2:25 am, edited 2 times in total.
Every person has a three lives: A social life, a private life and a secret life ;) ... I love my three lives.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1120
Reviews: 4
Sat Oct 22, 2011 10:31 pm
DoomWolfe says...



To start off, this was an alright story. There are some parts where you forgot to put capitals or where you didn't put correct punctuation, but the thing I found the most irritating was how you forgot the apostrophe that's supposed to go inbetween I and ll when you're saying I'll. It would have been nice to have you describe Abigail and what she looks like, but it's quite alright that you didn't. It gives people freedom to make up how she looks even though a little guideline would have been nice. Even if you had just said that she had long or short hair would have been nice. Overall, it has potential and I would keep trying to improve. I enjoyed the story even though I'm not much of a fan for love stories.
In my darkest of hours, would you lead me out of the insanity?
  





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Sun Oct 23, 2011 4:08 am
gokubrother says...



It seems like the story is moving along... slowly. It's pretty good except your story has a lot of grammar issues in it. Other than that, why is Dennis so focused on Abigail? What is causing this dependance on Abigail?
‎"If you can't build a fire in your house, you can't expect to set the world ablaze."
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Fri Nov 11, 2011 5:18 pm
Calligraphy says...



Red: I fixed your grammar or punctuation.
Blue: You can/should take these parts out.

Today I'll be heading to Abigail's house, and I gotta say I am pretty nervous about going to her house just before New Years Eve. What if her parents decide to come check up on her; I'll be seriously busted that's what'll happen. What if they find out that I'm younger than her and that I ain't that much of a big deal of a man? My hair is black and my eyes are an onyx brown, but I'm pretty tan if I say so myself. Anyways, I got everything ready for the weekend: clothes, my wallet and... I really don't need much. My phone started ringing... Its Abigail. <-- I put this in italics because technically it is thought not narrative. To me the phrasing of this just doesn't make sense. Maybe I'm being slow today, but I think that could be rephrased, because I don't get what you mean.

"Hi Abigail" I said with joy.

"Hi Dennis, are you ready?"-

"Yeah, I'm ready. Did your parents already leave?"-

"Yes, they did. So, when are leaving?"

"I'll leave right away, call you when I'm near kay?"

"Okay Dennis, I'll be waiting, love you Dennis."

"Me too Abigail, bye"

I hung up and left to her house, you might be thinking why I don't say "I love you" much - right? Well, I don't like to say things more than it's needed, because the more you constantly say a word or phrase it loses its meaning... I let my actions and body say what I feel. I think all guys feel that way about the words 'I love you.' But I wasn't actually wondering why because you've only not said it once. Maybe the words 'mmhmm' or something even less giving than 'me too' might work better in this instance so the difference is even more obvious. Sometimes in writing you have to exaggerate things a bit to get your point across.

The road seemed to take an eternity but I enjoyed every second of it. That vast blue sky, the river by the side of the road was so clean. It's kinda obvious because Abigail lives more in to the country and I live in the city, its a two hour and a half ride if the traffic doesn't slow me down. I'm getting near her house, I should call her.

More to the country? That doesn't sound the best. First, because now I'm not sure just how far in the country she lives. Are we talking rolling farmland or a few miles out of town? Second it just isn't phrased the best. Maybe 'she lives farther into the country' or 'she lives in a complete hick town'. Something more specific in any means.

..." Hi Abigail I'm almost there"

"Really!?"-

"Yes, in fact I just got out of the car in front of your house" I said with a big smile.

She hung up before I could tell her anything else and in just a second she opened the door, stood there for a moment, then she started running towards me. The moment Abigail hugged me my heart started beating rapidly; I hugged her back and said "Abigail... don't let go... I want to be like this a little longer"-

"Dennis..."-

"Yes"-

"I missed you so much Dennis."

You get the picture. You have lots of run-on sentences and problems with capitalization. There are also a few places where simply rephrasing something could make your writing flow a lot smoother. Now I'm going to focus on content.

She started crying, but I knew it was out of joy.

I looked down at her and gave her a kiss, she did like when I gave her one out of the blue, and I loved seeing her happy. After a few minutes she invited me inside, obvious right, at first it felt weird that we where in the same house all alone, and no it wasn't 'that' kind of feeling. It felt like we just had a glimpse of what married life would feel. When I read this I thought, 'If they haven't seen each other in forever and they are in love is it really out of the blue. I mean, they are already hugging.' Now this could just be me, but if one person thinks it more people usually do.

Hours passed we were in the living room cuddling. For once we felt like we had time to spare to be with each other and no one to interfere. It might be weird though, a second year student thinking about marriage... It is true that I feel more mature than she is in a lot of things and she might be a bit childish, even though that's one of the things I love about her, but when i'm with her age just doesn't matter anymore, the only thing that matters is that we love each other and that's it.

She started cooking something for both of us, by the way I can't cook so I help her with the house work, and after we ate we went to her room just to lye there watching each other, studying our faces and how we reacted, Its things like these that count in a relationship its not all about who talks more or less at least that's what I think. Then Abigail said.

"Dennis, this is amazing. Only the two of us in the house, with three whole days for us. I think i'm dreaming but if its a dream I don't want to wake up."-

"This might seem unreal for the both of us... but we are here that's what counts Abigail."-

"Dennis... do you remember when we first met?'-

"Of course how could I forget"-

"Remember the cruise, that black sky that was filled with stars, the sunset... everything." she said nostalgically.

" I remember everything... those were the best days of my life."

Yes those really where the best days of my life. It was my sixteenth birthday, dad decided to take us to a cruise and I was really exited. The first three days of the cruise I met a lot of people who are now very close friends some even started to follow me to have a grate time, but i'll talk about it later on. I met Abigail on the third day in a club. I was with all my new friends hanging out and just talking, but there was a new girl in our side. She looked at me a lot so I decided to test her, I went to dance a little farther from everyone and then she moved and sat near to where I was dancing, so I decided to stop dancing and sit next to her and talk. Is he old enough to be in a club?


I don't have time to make this longer, sorry! But I hope I helped,

Calli
  








"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."
— We Bought A Zoo