Young Writers Society

Brittani

I really love my him that is what I know. I have loved him since we were in 8th grade, ever since we had history together. I knew I could never have him because he was too popular and I was the quite smart girl with glasses and braces. But I knew from the first day he talked to me that I loved him...


I watched him put on his shirt and pull up his pants; he gave me a cold glare before announcing that he was leaving. "Drive safe," its all I ever said to him before he left all his response was him rolling his eyes and saying "I know." I watched him leave like I always do. I waited till I heard the door shut before I rolled over in my bed pulling my lavender covers over me, thinking about how we meet. I slowly started to smile at my self just thinking about the old me, the person I was before I meet him...

"Hey um Brittani is that right? I was wondering if you have a pencil." He said to me as his cerulean eyes staring at me filled with joy. "Yeah, um hear you go." I said in a hushed tone as I scrambled to get him a pencil form the clutter of my bag. "Thank you, I really like the color on you braces, what color is it?" He asked me while he pulled some white hair off of his jet black jacket. "Lavender, it’s my favorite color." I said as I had a goofy grin on my face. "It looks really good on you; you need to wear it more." He said while he smiled at me, ever since that day I had a crush on him.

brittistenten wrote:Brittani

I reallylove my him; that is what much I know. I have loved him since we were in 8th eighthgrade, ever since we had history together. I knew I could never have him, because he was too popular and I was just the quite smart girl with glasses and braces. But I knew from the first day he talked to me that I loved him.


I watched him put on his shirt and pull up his pants; he gave me a cold glare before announcing that he was leaving. "Drive safe," its all I ever said to him before he left all his response was him rolling his eyes and saying "I know." I watched him leave like I always do. I waited till I heard the door shut before I rolled over in my bed pulling my lavender covers over me, thinking about how we meet. I slowly started to smile at my self just thinking about the old me, the person I was before I meet him... You don't need any of this; you'll lead up to it anyway, so why get ahead of yourself? Also, adding yet another layer of recollection in this short a space garbles your story considerably.

"Hey - um Brittani, is that right? I was wondering if you have a pencil," he said to me, as his cerulean eyes staring at into me filled with joy.
(space here)
"Yeah, um, here you go," I saidin a hushed tone (Why on earth would it be hushed? Is she trying not to be overheard? Did I miss something?) as I scrambled to get him extract a pencil form from the clutter of my bag.
(space here)
"Thank you. I really like the color on you yourbraces; what color is it?" he asked me (You really should stop attaching speech tags to every piece of dialogue. They're unnecessary and clog up your writing.) while he pulled some white hair off of his jet black jacket (What? Why is there white hair on his jacket?) .
(space here)
"Lavender. It’s my favorite color," I said as I had a goofy grin on my face. "It looks really good on you; you need to wear it more," he said. whileHe smiled at me. ever since that day I had a crush on him. (You already said this; no need to be redundant.)

I have a couple further stylistic comments, both regarding your approach to dialogue.

1. Why do you feel the need to attach speech tags to everything anyone says? When there're only two people talking, you can leave it to the reader to deduce who is speaking.

2. Nearly every piece of dialogue is followed by a speech tag (always a boring "said" or "asked," to make matters worse) and then "while" or "as." Try being more creative with how you handle dialogue and blocking.

Okay, so why would a popular guy like a an unpopular nerd girl? Not only is this inconsistent with everyday social tendencies, but a popular guy would have much more desirable alternatives. While cliché may dictate the contrary, this is the unalterable truth of the matter.

Hope this helped.

-Kafka

No I don't think your review helped at all in fact it just pissed me off. I know what im doing with my story and I do not need someone writing things that I do not need and taking away things they do not like. You may call it cliche but in later chapters you will figure out why I put it that way. By the way the reason why I added tags to what people say is because people can be morons and get it confused.