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Young Writers Society


Pinch Me Chpt. One



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18 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1472
Reviews: 18
Sun Oct 09, 2011 9:55 pm
SlyNightOwl says...



Typical Morning -

Morning rays of sunshine slither down my quilt, reaching my fingers, slowly continuing to climb its way up my neck, touching my nose, spreading over my cheeks, until finally brushing against the eyes I’m reluctant to fully open. Resting warmly in my lap is a computer, its screen gone black. “Nooo,” I coo, reaching over to press the power button; the red battery light flashes, like I knew it would but needed to do so anyway.

In the end, all my determined efforts trying to solve the bloody mystery have been wasted.

“Stayed up all night playing Escape games, huh?” Peyton, my older sister, says without lifting her eyes. She sits across our room in front of the TV with both mine and her papers scattered across the floor.

"Did your boyfriend instead of your homework, huh?”

She scowls at my retort. “What an *** you are in the morning; I’m teasing you.”

"Save that for your boyfriend."

My sister tilts her head back to rest it on the couch cushion. While battling the options of whether to strangle or let me go, closing her eyes and breathing deeply, I kick off the blankets and scamper across the room for my laptop charger. Maybe I can squeeze in a couple easy flash games before I have to go. The clock reads six-thirty-five and the bus comes at seven. I can enjoy myself bit, I think as I contently plop back on my ruffled bed spread.

I combine showering and brushing teeth: five minutes. Then it’s out to lotion up and stick on some clothes, having laid them out the night before while waiting for a game to finish loading: five minutes. Next was to gather my homework from the floor, forget Peyton’s she can get hers herself, and hopefully stuff it in the right folder: five minutes. Lastly, I run into the kitchen and pour my bowl of oatmeal into a Ziploc baggy, throwing in a plastic spoon; and I was placing a bottle of apple juice in my bag just as the bus honked.

This is how my days usually start off. I stay after when school ends to finish homework and then go home to play video games. If necessary I’ll study in my time away from them, like to use the bathroom or get a snack. Afterward, I spend the rest of the evening, night, and parts of the early morning online doing whatever.

Peyton always questions my sanity, wondering how I’m able to function enough to embarrass her at school. Yeah, Miss Popular is related to the Loner. However, I don’t mind. I think I’d choose throwing a tantrum over a dead controller battery than worry about he said she said gossip. I don’t ever want to come home crying like she has because one of her best friends stabbed her in the back. Or threaten to commit suicide over the one person who doesn’t like me. Attachments and feelings like that are too strong. Playing it out on a game or experiencing it through a book is much better because in the end none of its real anyway.


Slow beginning, right? I'm sorry. I just recently began writing this story, more specifically: Friday evening. I've posted this bit on three different sites and there's one review on each of them D: I'm having no luck. I plan on posting more in the future, once I have the plot fully figured out. And it gets better(:, the plot anyway. It's just to you guys whether the writing gets better or not. xD Just kidding, but I'd really like some constructive reviews please. Thank you<3
Last edited by SlyNightOwl on Sun Oct 16, 2011 4:52 pm, edited 4 times in total.
  





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84 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1764
Reviews: 84
Sun Oct 09, 2011 10:16 pm
amygabb says...



Hey! Welcome to YWS!

Overall I'm loving the characters. The dialog is natural. That's how my sister and I talk to each other.

Here are some suggestions, things to think about, and some questions:

1. I think it is easier to understand if you switch some lines in the beginning around :
“Stayed up all night playing Escape games, huh?”
Peyton, my older sister, scowls without lifting her eyes from my paper. She sits across our room in front of the TV with both mine and her homework scattered on the floor.
“Did your boyfriend instead of your homework, huh?”
“What an *** you are in the morning; I’m obviously teasing you.

2. I don't understand this line, try making it clearer: “Teasing? Well, if that’s the line you’re trying to use to get me in your bed, try again.”

3. Where are their parents in all this? Mention something. Maybe they leave super early for work, etc.

4. Maybe it's just me, but I would never put oatmeal in a ziplock bag. (Maybe she could grab a bagel or something)

That's it! I really love your voice. Keep writing this! I hope this will help!
Life is not about how you sing in the sun, it is about how you dance in the rain.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 866
Reviews: 3
Sun Oct 09, 2011 10:57 pm
w0nd3rstruck says...



Hi there.

First off let me start by saying this style of writing is by far my favourite. I just find it incredibly enjoyable and easy to read! You're story (so far anyway..) flows very well and has good character development. I love the contrast in characters between the main protagonist and Peyton (something my English teach is constantly banging on about!). Your use of personification in the opening paragraph is very effective and I am intrigued to read more on this story and how it develops!

-w0nd3rstruck
  





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159 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2117
Reviews: 159
Mon Nov 07, 2011 6:26 pm
Skydreamer says...



I enjoyed reading this start to a book immensely. It is an excellent read! Great job! With those little details you add it carries the reader through the characters life. I like the contrast of the brother being a loner and the sister popular. I like the arguments and I have only one question... Where are the parents in all of this?

I think it would be a great idea to add a care-free dad or a worried mom. I also think it would be good to start with the parents some, so that we know their there. But maybe I just haven't read everything.

Sincerely it is good, and I appreciate it much. I can't wait to read more!
I believe in that, which is not seen.
I call it truth, faith, hope, life.


~~~~Sometimes life beckons us to be different~~~~

I used to be known as thewritersdream, but now my dreams have taken flight
  





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13 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1167
Reviews: 13
Tue Nov 15, 2011 2:58 pm
TEcho says...



The start is really good! Your characters are really easy to get into quickly, which is sometimes hard to do, so KUDOS for that! I think it begins in a odd place. It was awkward reading the beginning for me because of the long sentence about how the chill of the morning is getting to her, maybe shorten that out. [I'm assuming the main characters a girl]

Also I think the oatmeal in a baggy is a funny touch, and from how you describe the main character as a loner it seems like she is kinda quirky and that just added to the comic appeal of the story for me.

I also like how you gave a description of their morning routine, it gave me a feelign of being closer to the main character.

It would help though if you gave their name or age and other things like that.

Great So Far!
-Taylor-
  








today we are possible.
— Lucille Clifton