Young Writers Society

Gone without Goodbyes

My sister's boyfriend goes down on one knee, hunches his back, and holds his hands out behind him. With his fingers he motions for me to climb on. I rub my sore eyes, having stared at my DS screen for three hours straight while my sister watched Connor, her boyfriend, practice football. Accepting his offer doesn't seem appropriate, so I look to Peyton for approval. She shrugs, "It's on him, but only if he's okay with carrying you and my things."

"Of course, babe," Connor gives her his goofy, lopsided smile as I slip my legs between his ribcage and inner forearms. Though I don't say it, I'm thankful towards him. Peyton would never take my hand and guide me home if I told her my vision was blurry from video games. She'd sneer and give me one of those I-told-you-so looks. She does not approve of virtual outlet.

I let my arms lay slack against my sides and rest my cheek on Connor's shoulder. I must have dozed off because the next thing I know Peyton's cool hand is patting my cheek. "Get off so I can tell my boyfriend goodbye." Connor lets me go gently. As soon as I'm on steady feet he takes Peyton around the waist, cups her cheek, and hushes her next words with a kiss. I turn away, wrapping my arms around a stop signs metal pole and close my eyes once again. I swear, Peyton and her boyfriends affection makes me feel like I'm at sea — it makes me nauseous.

*Ten minute time skip*

We're walking, Peyton and me, down the road. She's on the phone trying to get a hold on our mother— who's been suspiciously absent since earlier today.

This morning when Peyton sat with me on the bus she was huffing and puffing, her face red with anger. She snapped her phone shut and began rubbing her temples. I had asked her what her problem was and she scowled at me for the second time that morning. I continued to eat my oatmeal from the Ziploc bag until Peyton gave in and talked, "Mom's giving me anxiety, saying something about there being big news when we get home from school" —sigh— "I'm going to be on the edge—"

"Of glory..." I had blurted lowly, more as a silly joke to myself. However, Peyton heard, she always does, and smiled for the last time of the day.

Now the eyes that are almost always arrogantly mocking you widen. She's popping her knuckles, a nervous habit, and looking around. To see my sister like this makes me feel uneasy. It's until my hand brushes hers that she jumps and realizes that she's walking in reality and not some dream world. "What?" She hisses, an angry fire blazing behind her glassy eyes.

Peyton snatches her hand away to hold it near her heart. We travel home in silence the rest of the way.

A limo slick with a new black polish waits in the driveway. The driver is backing out, noticing the rear sticks out, as we stand by the mailbox, watching. Upon seeing us he finishes his business quickly before smoothly exiting the car and coming to approach us. Immediately, I shrink back. On the other hand, Peyton nerves become steel; her silent sob ceasing. Daringly, she takes a stand in front of me, hand on one hip.

"Evening ladies," the man bows before us, tipping his hat in the process. "The name is Jasper and I will be your driver for tonight. Your things are already packed and ready for your transfer."

Peyton cocks her head to the side, cherry pink lips shiny in the sun's set and eyes narrowed to thin slits. "Get off my property before I call the cops on your ass. Who the hell do you think you are? "

Oh, Peyton...

Yes, I know, still a little slow. Hang in there because the drama starts next chapter(: R&R, thank you.

This is a really good story you have going so far. I have so many questions left in my head, waiting to be answered. You really have an act for something, which is what I wish I had more of. I really don't have and have I seen anything that I need to be a nitpick about. You're really good at this. A true talent. Can't wait to read more.

~wtbh

This is very good! I'm just going to use this one to review both chapter 1&2. First of all, the grammar, punctuation and spelling is very good, and the plot is excellent, even though nothing much has happened yet. There are some questions that are not answered like, is the main character's relationship with her sister Peyton like a sibling rivalry, or is it worse than that? And how come the sister's boyfriend is nicer to the main character than the sister herself? Anyway as I said the plot is good, and I hope you will write more?

The content in this chapter is awesome!
But the transition from the last chapter to this really quirks me.

Also her sister seems almost bi-polar. You describe her as happy and smiling but then you also state her as bursting with anger in the following sentence. I'm also still confused by the age of the main character, at times she seems almost 9 or 10, then in her thoughts she seems about 15 or 16.

It was hard for me to understand that they were coming home since in the last chapter they were going to school and no transition had been established.

Also, again, it helps to give a description of the characters to help become more connected with them quicker and give the story more flow.

I understand your still developing your characters so decriptions really help.

The mystery of the limo out front makes sure I'm definatly going to read Chapter 3!