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In a different frame of mind (4)



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Sun Nov 13, 2011 4:53 am
AlextotheAndra says...



Chapter 4
Even on the best of days, Ms Carol had a way of dragging everyone she came within ten meters of down. The as she walked into the classroom, five minutes later than Oscar and the rest of the pupils, she preached about a meeting she had to attended about a recent rise in graffiti on the that had apparently kept her. The kraken, as she was affectionately called possessed the voice of a parrot insistent on constantly shouting snide remarks at any of her unfortunate pupils.

“Apparently you, Miss Tate “ The bulbous teacher looked glared at one of the rather timid girls who sat in the second row, her skirt dangerously close to bursting as she walked toward her desk.

“...have decided not to bring anything to class. Do you have any reason as to why you are so ill prepared?” The young girl gulped and looked down at the scratched wooden tabletop below her.

“No Ms. Carol”

“Detention” was decreed and so the class continued to follow its daily routine. The teacher then turned from the girl, walking to her desk to sit on a chair that was quite too small for her rather hefty figure.

“Turn to page nine of you novel, you are to read for the rest of the lesson” with that the students opened their copies of Emma and began to read.

Five minutes into the almost silence that was constantly interrupted by the scuffle of tuning pages and throat clearing coughs, Oscar felt a nudge just under his ribcage. As his head turned to see what she had wanted, he spied a slender arm reaching back to her book. Smiling, she nodded towards Oscar’s desk and then turned back to her book of which she was far ahead of the reading requirement, at least half way through. Lil had been known to be quite the avid reader, when it suited her. Lying on Oscars graffitied desk, adorned with messages for a certain girl who would apparently do well to remember what a boyfriend-stealing dog she was, was a folded sheet of paper ripped from Lil’s workbook. Written was a message relating to the Krakens attire, Lil had felt it necessary to point out that the teacher had worn the same shirt the last two days, and apparently a middle button had gone astray displaying a sight no student would have wished to see. He cursed Lil for bringing it to his attention, making it nearly impossible for Oscar not to look up and stare at the rather undesirable physique of his professor. He nudged his neighbour lightly, she looking down at her with a faux expression of disgust her with a wink and an over enthusiastic smile.

The pair spent the rest of the lesson avoiding sniggering. The bell rang and the class quickly scurried out revelling in the chance to restart conversation. Oscar said a quick goodbye to Lil, they hugged and she wished him luck. She darted of to find her boyfriend with a look back as her tall friend awkwardly bent down to retrieve his bag from his locker. A knowing smile crossed her face.

A touch of sweat sat below Oscar’s hairline, a product of both the light afternoon sun, slightly elevated heart rate caused by jogging and nerves. There was no denying that he was anxious, so much so that he begun to chew his nails, a habit he thought he had successfully thrown off at twelve, apparently it had resurfaced.

The streets were mainly empty; occasionally another student would walk by, stare a little at the brown haired boy’s unusual habits and pace to then continue on their way. Oblivious to any of his onlookers Oscar continued to run over the little speech he had collated in his head, chewing his nails and half jogging down the familiar roads that were lined with familiar homes. Taking the final turn, spotting the four chimneys proudly standing above the rest of the rusted, moss-covered roofs, the x that marked the spot of his destination. Taking the last hundred metres at a sprint, in a attempt to somehow delay the encounter Oscar stoped, three steps from the gate, push back his fringe with shaking fingers, heaving in much need breath and secretly smiling. A mixture of butterflies and dinosaurs flittered and stomped in his stomach as he undid the latch, listened to the unwelcome squeak of rusted hinges and stepped over the threshold into the overgrowth.



* I am sorry if the chapter is a little sub par, I am just getting back into the swing of it*
“Everything you look at can become a fairy tale and you can get a story from everything you touch.” Hans Christian Andresen
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Sun Nov 13, 2011 7:02 pm
Skydreamer says...



Wow. Very jumbled. Interesting though! It was interesting, and I think you had a great point there but there were some mistakes
Even on the best of days, Ms Carol had a way of dragging everyone she came within ten meters of down. The as she walked into the classroom, five minutes later than Oscar and the rest of the pupils, she preached about a meeting she had to attended about a recent rise in graffiti on the that had apparently kept her. The kraken, as she was affectionately called possessed the voice of a parrot insistent on constantly shouting snide remarks at any of her unfortunate pupils.
First of all, for the first sentence, you should put a comma before down. Then the rest of the sentence is a little confusing. Not the words, but the arrangement of the words.
“Turn to page nine of you novel, you are to read for the rest of the lesson” with that the students opened their copies of Emma and began to read.

For this one it should be "Turn to page nine of your novel..."

Other than those things that I caught it is an interesting story line. And I think a big part of my not understanding (i just understood) is that this is not the first chapter of the story! So great job, just watch the fast typing! :)
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Thu Nov 24, 2011 12:59 pm
Noelle says...



Hi there!

Alright, it's been a while since I did this, so I'm going to try to get back into the swing of reviewing here.

First off I want to say that, even though this chapter is shorter than the others and doesn't seem to ass much to the plot, it's important none the less. This chapter gave me a little more information about Lil and Oscar's relationship. If I didn't know that they were best friends before, I do now. I like how you put them in an awkward situation that most teenagers can relate to, and described how they reacted to it.

Overall this chapter was good. Even though there wasn't much to it, you still did a good job keeping the plot moving forward. I really like your description if the teacher, how you dragged it out over a couple paragraphs instead of shoving it in our face all at once. The description of the class is good too. There are a few typos that I spotted while reading through, but like writersdream said above me, they're most likely there because you were typing too fast.

Keep writing! And let me know when the next chapter comes out! :)

P.S. Hope my review was good...it's the first one I've written since September :O
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Wed Nov 30, 2011 12:43 am
tgirly says...



I love it. There's a lot of grammatic/spelling errors you could fix, but no flaws within the plot. I love the suspense your creating, hinting in the second chapter about this GTO plan, and now how nervous he is in this chapter, mentioning Torah so much, but not telling us about her... yet. I like that. Another thing I really loved was how he hand butterflys and dinosaurs in his stomach. I've never heard of that before. Great line. One thing I'd like to say, though, is you spelled meter two different ways. I know both are correct, but for consistency's sake, maybe you should think of spelling it the same way both times. Just a thought. As I've said before, I love all your characters and think they're all really realistic. I can't wait to find out what happens. Thanks for telling me you'd got this chapter up; I would've reviewed it sooner, but I've been without internet for awhile and busy with NaNoWriMo. Please tell me when you get the next chapter up too. Like Noelle, I haven't written a review in awhile, so I hope mine was helpful, sorry if it wasn't really.
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