Chapter 1
Internet always appeared to me as vagina, the more you browse it, the larger it gets. Similarly, social networking sites were like quicksand attracting you to fall into them while you strangle yourself attempting to get ride of the addiction. Once you start playing, you continue with it entire day and a failure in taking protective measures could expose you to a deadly virus. Well! That goes both for sex and internet.
I was immune to such virus and what interested me were fake profiles. Facebook is flooded with fake profiles which have spread like an epidemic among its 800 million users. I too had a fake profile (thanks to user friendly technology) as there was no other alternative for me to increase Farmville neighbors and illegally transfer money in poker.
I love masquerading new identities and enjoyed being fake online. It was something that I did since I was introduced to internet decade ago by Yahoo Messenger craze. My problem, however, was a crashing internet connection which was worse than Sania Mirza crashing out of her tournaments.
“Fug this provider,” I said aloud, announcing my thoughts. A snail could beat my connection in a race without breaking sweat. I pay my provider too much for this shitty slow connection.
When would our country advance from cables to wi-fi? So, that we can have internet connection for free.
I took a deep breath to calm myself down. I could not believe, a delay in operating my Facebook account could make me so desperate. Why was I bothered by a slow connection, or the Internet for the matter? Global warming is hurting my home planet and there are other personal issues to resolve and I’m worried about a slow connection.
After a brief wait, Facebook site orbited to display my profile stats and I sighed in relief. There were 300+ updates, 16 New messages, 5 Friend request and 19 recent notification. I blindly accepted all the friendship request irrespective of their gender since I wanted to expand my online friendship.
My computer mouse landed on my Facebook ‘HOME’ and 16 messages were waiting in my INBOX prison to be liberated. I started reading them in order.
Most of the entries in my inbox were replies from unknown friend requests that I had send or accepted. Shalaka, Nandini, Prachi… None of the names were familiar to me. While reading the first unread message, I noticed a message from SHARKHEAD which displayed.
Eiggy Piggy! I’ve added u dt does not mean, I’ve permitted u 2 snd frnd rquest 2 my frnds (girls). Stay in ur goddamn limits n stop acting lyk a wuss who has seen woman aftr decades.
I remember, he was the person whom I added under the sole reason that he had a long list of selected sexy chicks in his friends list. But, how did he know about my clever act of sending friend request to all his girls(friends)? Satan only knows! I decided to give him a boorish reply since he was nothing more then trash to me now.
..Who the hell are you Sharkhead?
I’ll give friend request to who so ever I wish. Who the fug are you to stop me? Look dude, don’t mess around me or msg me again. Are you going to delete me or should I block you?
This was the biggest blunder that I should have not done. But what’s done cannot be undone!
“Oh my God!” I swore as I continued reading further messages. “Who's this? Do I know you? Who the hell are you to give me friend request? Have we met?” There were different replies with the same central theme. WHO-WAS-I?
Why were the people receiving my requests so concerned about my anonymity? Didn’t they have another question to ask? Of course, they were strangers to me, but they don’t know if I’m stranger to them.
I began to type a formulaic response to each of them. They were nothing special to me. I wasn't about to give each of them a personalized reply.
..Hi there, this is Waman. Actually, I found your profile damn interesting so is the person who wrote it. So, can be Facebook friends? ..
I COPIED and PASTED same response to each and every 'who's this?' response in my inbox. My approach was cliché similar to the rest of boy’s community while interacting with strange girls in the virtual world of social networking, but none of their bland responses to my friend request deserved a unique pick up line.
I continued my tedious task of pasting and sending my response to message received when an interesting reply in the stylish font, rescued me from boredom giving me the instant clue that she was different and creative than rest of the world.
◊ Nihasa ◊ : wHy I’yAm dA oNe wHo gOt fRiEnD ReQuEsT fRoM yEw? wHatz SOo sPeCial ‘bOut mEh?
It took me few seconds to understand her uncommon font style which gave me an impression of her ‘trying to be different’ approach. It appeared to me that an appropriate reply would guarantee a chain reaction of relation chemistry. Therefore, I decided to analyze her info minutely in order to gather more details about her personality.
Lady luck favored me and her info wasn’t under security.
This common trend of checking profiles sends out varying signal. I was expert in analyzing profile-friend count of less then 50 means ‘Hi! I’m new to facebook’ and massive friend count of more then 300 friends means ‘Don’t expect me to give you too much attention.’ Friend count of more then 800 friends means ‘I’m celebrity or fake. Therefore, I love to make friends. You can add me and I’m sure to accept your friend request.’
On the other hand, a nicely photoshoped wall indicate-‘I’m so weird, wacky and wonderful’. Photo shots update daily basis means ‘Check me out. I’m cool’ and if a girl has tones of comment on her photograph and statuses that means ‘She’s member of online clan, who have singed a secret pact to comment each other regularly.’ Nihasa had 709 friends. I kept aside my self-proclaimed theories in mind and had a look at Nihasa’s profile.
About Nihasa:
Hey Guyz! Welcum 2 da stupidest profile u wud hv evr read..
Go on..
Go on read..
DUALITY IS MY PERSONAL TRAIT AND BIPOLAR I AM...Ummm.. No I guess I’m a split personality..OMG! Wch 1 of me wrote dis?..Dis or dat ?
I’m a born gothic cannibal. I ate d nurse's ear whn I was born n’ den she dropped me. Dats y I hv concussions I guess (bitch da nurse was)...Den, I was sent to juvei for it and der I ate 4-5 kids in a week. So, dey sent me 2 concentration camp whr I hit it off well wid d Nazi's n’ secure da most comfortable position I cud find in d gas chamber. But accidentally I farted in the gas tube n’ sadly all Nazi's died (hey not cuz of mah farting cuz all d poisonous gas went to their side) and Woah I was hailed as the Jew-queen!...den 2 cheer mahself up I gulp down 2 kids n’ was extradiated bck 2 INDIA… dere dey removed mah teeth n replcd dem wid rubber so I cudn't eat nother kid(filthy swines)..sooooo bad for me !!..but den mah savior JOKER(who was on his suicidal tour) rescues me n gifted me a set of brand new stainless steel teeth coated wid orbit everlast 2 carry on my adventures...and now I am out and m gonna get you too....HUHAAHAHAHHA…
STATUTORY WARNING: I do not add strangers 2 my friendlist but if u r another long lost soul of shit hu is gagging n’ crackling lyk an old fart den I’ll surely add u. But 4 dt u'll hv 2 say..I _______(ur name) AM AN ASSHOLE...Heheh!..Rmbr, I do not add bimbo’s n ‘trying to be sexy’ chicks 2 my friend list (just to prove m not a lesbian)…
Now...U must be thinkin’ y wud u read such a lame profile..of a girl..hu as a matter of fact is brainless git..n’ doesn't really hv a cracking sense of humor..but just cuz I am gonna start all my jokes wid ur name does not suggest dt i don't hv a gud sense of humor..!! anyways do wid it
Now go on read other things in my profile too.!!! or if you r such a looser go dunk your head in the sewage line of my toilet!!!
NOTE:- Psychopaths, retarded losers, jerks wid freaky fake profiles, sick attitude bitches, fucked up personalities.....stop messaging me...coz m nouh in a zillion yrs gonna add u crackpots...! {N ALL D 1 WID-"I M SVIT CUTE N LUV TO MAKE FRNZ TYPES... plz lay off!}
LIKES: I luv 2 goof around in any situation I can..I luv 2 eat ice creams n’ chokltz (Like 99.99% of girls).. I luv irritating ppl (do try once).. I luv photography, poetry( well of course mine)…Lately I’ve strtd film making, I mean small documentaries.. I luv 2 read (n’ u thought I’m bird brained).. I luv 2 make ppl believe in demslvz n discover hidden talents.. I luv gossiping cuz I believe it’s da art of discussing da imperfections in human nature.. I luv spending time wid kids, animals(from there I get my animal instincts), wid all the grandpas n’ grandmas of dis world… I LUV MY LIFE!
I was amazed that she did not seem to be just another mindless teenage girl. We actually seemed to have a lot in common- craziness, insanity and non-sense in sensible way. Damn interesting girl! I studied her info carefully until the right comment popped into my mind, but then was surprised to see Sharkhead’s post on her wall.
Sharkhead: Darling Nihasa, whr r u thes days? Dead or alive..?
U kno? Sumbdy is missin’ u lyk hell. So, plz reply ASAP
Sharkhead was obviously in her friends list. The post came as a bolt out of blue and numerous thoughts regarding their relationship bubbled in me. What was the relation between them? I thought for a moment.
Fug it! I ignored the bothering interruptions of my fragile mind as replying to Nihasa was my first priority.
My keyboard was expecting me to churn up some extremely witty and cheesy lines, when an advertisement of ‘Pizza Hut Celebrations’ flashed in the side of my facebook screen, promoting their extra cheese pizza which served as epiphany for me to come up with the following lines:
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ: …Crazy Nihasa ! I am the same mad guy from the juvie during your stay in India. You remember we tied marriage knots using the jailor’s hunter and took vows to be eternal soul mates. Unfortunately, the evil JOKER lured you away from me through those damned teeth. I found you through this sucking site hence sent you a request…
Exhaling in a big gust I clicked ’send’. My pick up arrow had been shot. I felt excitement and apprehension bubble in my stomach when I saw the tiny notification proclaiming ‘1 New message’
It was message from Nihasa that read.
◊ Nihasa ◊ : Don’t be oversmart! Mystery is Nihasa’s second name, don’t act mysterious with me. Why you gave me friend request?
Asking me the reason, why I gave her friend request? I sniggered. Generally, there were two types of girls. Type 1 was the dumb girls that liked to pretend they were intelligent, and Type 2 was the smart ones that everyone ignored. So, obviously, Type 2 girls could fool anybody, but they were almost an extinct species just like DINOSAURS. Nihasa seemed to be Type 1. I knew girls better than anyone. They insist you tell them you love them – even if you've already told them a thousand times before. Who will teach them- love is something to be felt by heart rather then ear? You might have heard them saying, “Darling, you didn't say I love you.” This was Type 1 girl-who always tries to bring love to sensory level. So, I replied Nihasa what she wanted – no deserved.
«Ξιggע Piggע™»:… Baby, nothing special about you. As usual, male habit, one friend request to a girl makes no difference to me...
If I had answered her directly it would have been Game Over. Girls didn't usually like directness or begging. However, and interesting or absurd comment was like putting an ear bud in a lionesses ear–cent percent response guaranteed. It didn't even matter if she was single or committed. She wouldn't resist.
◊ Nihasa ◊ : Nuffin spcl abt me? Nihasa is sad at dis. Der r thousand othrz in Fb. Why didn’t yew satisfy ur male urges there?
I was taken aback at her audacity and replied stubbornly.
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ: …Let me tell you frankly, one click is not a big deal for filthy pig like me. Who knows, might Tammy and Raul are going to call you MUMMY…
This absurd scrap would surely bring a halt in her mind and create CHAOS. Chaos Theory always worked for me. Tammy and Raul would blink her to think for a moment. I kept my emotions in check as I read her next message.
◊ Nihasa ◊ : Who da hell r Tammy n’ Raul? R dey illusionary character of your insane mind?
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ: …Dear Nihasa! Plz be a little affectionate towards your beloved children!!...
◊ Nihasa ◊ : Beloved children? Helll-Oooo.. Wat da heck are you talking? Im still single, ready to mingle.
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ:…Me too Still single. Cheerzzz!!
No heck, they aren’t your children, instead they are mine..Child marriage you know? But I've never met her. Tammy and Raul are names of my future children, who knows you may be their future ‘MOM’ and inevitably my future WIFE… That’s why I sent you a request to test your luck. Who knows, maybe it’s you. 
◊ Nihasa ◊ : Ohhh! Thatz pretty devil thought.. What yew do Mr. Piggy?
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ: …I'm afraid you won't like it because most people don’t like what I do…
◊ Nihasa ◊ : Like it? Everybody is unique. Even heir brain, DNA, their thoughts and their work.. I mean everything… OMG! Are you sweeper? :p
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ:..No!... Even worse than that. As I told you before- you won’t like it.
◊ Nihasa ◊ : Itz not like that Piggy! Tell me! I would endorse your thoughtz..
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ:…You people spend time studying, playing, watching etc... You don't have any value of time. I spend watching time as it floats away from hours to minutes and then seconds. Then, I restart again…
◊ Nihasa ◊ : Hmmm.. Confused person! Even I was like yew yearz back. We UPSC aspirants are quite disciplined. We don’t have time o waste time.
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ: …Whatever !! I don’t care. I’m totally happy with myself until someone makes me realize…
◊ Nihasa ◊ : Oh Gawd! Piggy, don’t yew study or do something like that as a part time?
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ:...Of course I study. But, a day before an exam
.. One night fight..Heheh! ..Do you like one night fight?... ◊ Nihasa ◊ : Hmmm.. Double meaning talkz.. Great! Heard ‘bout one night stand but one night fight? Why do yew study da night before exam?
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ: …Excitement of one night fight is a nerve racking experience..You wouldn’t understand. It's useless to study days before…
◊ Nihasa ◊ : Useless why?
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ:..Me thinks..
The more you study, the more you learn..
The more you learn, the more you remember..
The more you remember, the more you get confused..
The more you get confused, the more you forget..
The more you forget, the less you have in mind..
So, what's the need?
Even after studying so much you have even less in your head…
◊ Nihasa ◊ : Intrestedting analogy!
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ:… Expect the totally unexpected..That's Piggy!…
◊ Nihasa ◊ : Whats you real name Piggy?
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ: …Don’t insult the pig in me by asking my name… J
◊ Nihasa ◊ : Okayz! Da day will surely come when yew’ll reveal your original name to Nihasa. Itz promisooo! Till then Piggy is fine for me.
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ: …Day? I’m, sure you are immortal cuz you have to wait till eternity. Urghh!!..You don't know me…
◊ Nihasa ◊ : Yew never gave me a chance to know ya.
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ: …This time you have one. Don't forget to approve my friend request. Cuz 99.999999% universe isn’t bothered to interact with you. So, appreciate whosoever does…
◊ Nihasa ◊ : Yew gotta a good point!.. But do you think I’ll confirm you?
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ:… Sure !! Cuz, Love and golden opportunity knocks only once...
◊ Nihasa ◊ : Hey Piggy! Hate to say but g2g.. Momz yelling. are you going to stay more here?
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ:…I don't know. Why you asked?...
◊ Nihasa ◊ : Then letz log out together.. when I count 1, 2, 3.. we both will log out together..
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ:…What's the logic?...
◊ Nihasa ◊ : One…
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ:…I don't understand.
◊ Nihasa ◊ : Two….
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ:…Wait…
◊ Nihasa ◊ : Three..Now youre freeeeee..
Damn it!. Why did she have to leave? Now I'll be bored, my thoughts grumbled.
I resorted to updating my profile to stave off an onslaught of boredom. I had just begun to add pictures in my album to make my profile more attractive when I noticed a new message. I flashed my Happydent smile hoping to see if it was Nihasa again.
Kanika Sharma: I'm sorry! I don’t talk strangers at all therefore, we can never be friends.
Who the heck was Kanika? Why was she sorry? My thoughts erupted. Of course, she was one of the fishes from my randomly sent friend requests.
Ohh ! Kanika doesn’t talk to strangers. That means she's a sweet and simple girl, I thought excitedly. One more fish! This one would be a challenge.
Simple girls are unaware of all the bitchy tricks used by other girls. They were typically happy with limiting friends to their own inner circle. She was going to be a tough fish and I was up for the challenge. It felt good to understand others. What if you can't understand yourself? Maybe Nihasa was right. I'm a confused person, my thoughts wandered. I pushed the thought aside and focused on Kanika.
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ:...I know ma'am. But, until you talk with me how you can know me? Take one look around, all your friends. They were all stranger to you like me. Give me a chance, I’ll prove to be a good friend…
Simple girls needed simple replies. Flirting wouldn't work and this simple scrap could end up in a friend list; I was assured.
Kanika Sharma: Sorry! I don't want Friendship with you. Don’t msg me again.
Don't scrap me again? She appeared to me as a second class citizen of LOOSERVILLE(even if she was the only resident there).
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ:…Ma’am, I'm glad you didn’t add me.
In fact, I'm happy to avoid wimps like you in my friendlist.
I resorted back to the CHAOS theory. She was expecting me to be upset. That wasn't the case. Eiggy Piggy means expect the totally unexpected.
Kanika Sharma: Then stay happy forever. Bye!
Kanika was as sour as grapes, but I'm not the fox. She's in Eiggy Piggy zone. However she ain’t Nihasa and did not deserve any preferential treatment. I thought about the turn of events for a while, a series of altercation for a mere friend request, but that’s what beckons my interest in FACEBOOKING.
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ:…Thank you ma'am! For making me happy. Actually, I like girls like you who are too careful. Always stay same.
Kanika: Done? Bye now!
ｫΞιggע Piggע™ｻ: ..Facebook is like a road. You can bump into anyone but would you speak to all sundry? Its just about getting drift. You can never really trust anyone unless you know them for sure. Do you know my real identity? Hacker-Faker, tourist- terrorist..Booooom!!! …I can be anyone. About whom even you can't think… Hahahaha !!.. Have a Great life ahead Kanika!
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