Young Writers Society

Hey sorry I havent posted in awhille but here is my next 2 chapters.

Chapter 4

“So will you?” Jason asked before I could move an inch.

“Yes, yes I will.” I barely managed to whisper.

The largest smile I had ever seen stretched across Jason’s face. He grabbed my hand as we walked out of Garcia’s room together. On the outside I seemed nervous but on the inside I was thrilled.

I was now stuck going to third period. Going to third period was pure torture. My class was right across the hall from Garcia’s room. Jason’s class was all the way back in the main building.

When Jason hugged me goodbye I didn’t want to let him go. Somehow I was able to untangle my arms from around him and watched him as he walked back to the main building. I sighed in contentment. It had finally happened. I was going out with Jason Bentley!

Third period passed very slowly. Luckily we had an assignment that was due so I had something to preoccupy my mind. Somehow I still could not stop thinking about Jason. His gorgeous eyes, his perfect body and his amazing smile.

Eventually the bell rang and I all but ran back to the building. As I walked up the front steps I saw Jason standing by the door. As soon as he saw me the biggest goofiest smile stretched across Jason’s face as he opened his arms up. I walked right into his arms and wrapped my arms around his waist. I was in heaven.

After a moment Jason put his arm around my shoulder and steered me towards fourth period.

“Do we have to go to class?” I whined looking up at Jason.

Jason leaned down and whispered, “we could always skip.”

“Sounds tempting but maybe some other day.” I sighed.

We had reached the Chemistry/Physics building. “I guess I’ll see you later.” I told Jason as he hugged me goodbye.

“Do you want to have lunch with me today?” Jason asked as he smoothed a piece of my hair down.

“Definitely.” I answered, a grin spreading over my face.

“Ok I’ll wait for you after this class.” Jason said as he softly kissed my forehead.

Jason turned and walked into Physics while I was stuck going to Chemistry. As soon as I sat down Celest pounced. “Are you and Jason going out?” Celest asked with curiosity burning in her eyes.

“Yeah,” I managed to say.

“That’s awesome. Finally you two are going out. It’s about time! Ya’ll are perfect by each other.” Celest knows how I feel about Jason.

“What’s going on?” Cole asked leaning back in his seat.

“Allie and Jason are going out.” Celest said proudly.

Cole turned and looked at me fully and asked “Really?”

“Yeah. Is there anything wrong with me going out with Jason?” I asked defending myself.

“No” Cole shrugged as he turned around.

I spent most of the class either thinking about Jason or talking to Celest about Jason. It wasn’t the worst class of the day but it was far from the best even though I knew Jason would be waiting for me. The bell for lunch rang faster than I expected.

I gathered all of my stuff and slung my bag over my shoulder. I walked out of Chemistry and instantly felt Jason’s arm around my shoulder.

“Hey beautiful,” Jason said as he kissed my hair, “did you miss me?”

I wrapped my arm around Jason’s waist and said, “yes I missed you sooo much” in my most sarcastic tone.

Jason just grinned as he asked “Ready to go to lunch?”

“Definitely” I answered happier than I’d ever been.

We walked to the cafeteria in comfortable silence. We walked into the caf and got in line for lunch. I was comfortable standing there under Jason’s arm. Finally we got our food and went to sit down. I didn’t know where Jason wanted to sit but he steered me towards an empty table. A table away from his and my friends, who were staring at us. Correction. Everyone was staring at us.

Chapter 5

“Did Will ever tell you that I like you?” I said asking the question I had been dieing to know the answer to.

“Will? No he never said a word. Did he know?” Jason asked confusion crossing over his face.

Will, Jason’s twin brother, had found out that I liked Jason last year and had threatened to tell Jason. “Yeah he did.” I said answering Jason’s question.

Jason looked down at my untouched lunch. “Are you ok? Are you sick or something?” Jason asked looking concerned.

“Yeah I’m fine. I’m just not that hungry.” I said touched by his concern.

“You ready to go then?” Jason asked.

“Sure” I said picking up my tray full of food and dumping it in the trash.

Once Jason threw his tray into the trash he took my hand and we walked out of the caf. We walked down the sidewalk towards the benches and all of our friends. Jason leaned down and whispered, “Did you know that I like you?” with a grin on his face.

“I kinda figured that out.” I said in a flirty tone.

We were jerked out of our own world by Jason’s best friend Luke. “Hey dude get over here.” Luke said waving Jason toward their usual bench.

“Nah dude I’m ok.” Jason yelled back at him then looked down at me and smiled.

“Come on man don’t be such a girl.” Luke said taunting Jason.

We just kept walking as Jason ignored Luke. I was touched by him wanting to be with me but I didn’t want him to dump his friends because of me.

“Jason,” I said turning to face him, “if you want to go hang out with Luke you can. I’m ok. I can go sit with Cammie and Brooke.” I knew they were dieing to know what was going on.

“Allie I’d rather be with the most amazing girl at this school than with Luke.” Jason said without a hint of indecision in his eyes.

“I think your stretching the truth a bit with the ‘the most amazing girl at this school’ crap.” I said.

“No I’m not. Allie you are the most beautiful, smartest, funniest most amazing girl at this school. I am so lucky to be going out with you.” Jason said wrapping his arm around my waist.

All of a sudden the bell rang. That stupid bell was always interrupting everything. “Ohh crap! I gotta get to Algebra.” I said as I started to pull away from Jason.

Jason quickly grabbed my hand as he asked “Do you want me to walk you to class?” in a soothing voice.

“Sure” I said calming down at his touch.

Jason walked me to my locker and waited patiently as I took my book out. I closed my locker and Jason took my hand as we walked down the hall and out to the annex.

This is well written. If you are serious about getting it published though, i think that chapters 2-5 could be just chapter 2! and then have chapter 3 start being full of a blissful weekend/date. Then chapter 4-5 problems start arising, small ones. Then chapter 6 its bliss. Then 7 a fight, then 8 a reconsideration. then 9 either a breakup or a complication of somekind, like a move maybe

Hello there, I'm here to do a review as requested!

I was now stuck going to third period, and it promised to be pure torture. Going to third period was pure torture. My class was right across the hall from Garcia’s room but Jason’s class was all the way back in the main building. We wouldn't be exactly neighbors.

Okay, I'm going to begin with the flow of your story. I changed this paragraph so it would flow a little bit more. The way you write, right now, is really choppy, which is good sometimes when you want to illustrate a certain mood. But in this case, I don't think this is what you meant. So a little trick for that... Blend your sentences together, so there's less periods. But be careful not to make run-on sentences!

As soon as he saw me the biggest comma goofiest smile stretched across Jason’s face as he opened his arms up to me.

It's just a suggestion.

As soon as I sat down comma Celest pounced on me.

“What’s going on?” Cole asked comma leaning back in his seat.

I asked comma defending myself.

“Did Will ever tell you that I like you?” I asked. I had been dying to know the answer since a long time, and it felt good to know that it had finally left my lips.

I changed the sentence once again. I hope you approve?

I said comma, answering Jason’s question.

He asked comma, looking concerned.

You can also use he sometimes. It looks less repetitive.

I said comma, touched by his concern.

“Sure” I said comma, picking up my tray full of food and dumping it in the trash.

Once Jason threw his tray into the trash comma, he took my hand and we walked out of the cafeteria.

Luke said comma, taunting Jason.

“Jason,” I said comma, turning to face him period. “If you want to go hang out with Luke comma, you can. I’m ok. I can go sit with Cammie and Brooke.” I knew they were dying to know what was going on.

“Sure” I said comma, calming down at his touch.

Overall, this is great. You may have to review your work, and read it out loud so you can catch your punctuation mistakes. Whenever there's a natural pause, or when the sentence feels rushed, there should be a comma there.

Also, I think you went a little fast with Jason and Allie's relationship... He just asked her out, and they are already acting like a full on couple? I don't know if it's just me, but I think that they should maybe slow down? Maybe make them hang out, and keep him waiting for her at every class, but maybe take out the whole part where she says they are going out? Because they technically aren't yet... Well, in my opinion. They should act like that after the date. Anyways, it's pretty good.

Keep it up! And I'm looking forward to reading more.

-Other One

the story is good but the chapters are too short, chapters 3-5 could be part of chapter 2! but overall i'd give it a 9.5 out of ten! grat job!

“So will you?” Jason asked before I could move an inch.

“Yes, yes I will.” I barely managed to in a whisper.

The largest smile I had ever seen stretched across Jason’s face. He grabbed my hand as we walked out of Garcia’s room together. On the outside, I seemed nervous, but on the inside I was thrilled.

I was now stuck going to third period. Going to third period was pure torture. My class was right across the hall from Garcia’s room. Jason’s class was all the way back in the main building.

When Jason hugged me goodbye I didn’t want to let him go. Somehow, I was able to untangle my arms from around him and watched him as he walked back to the main building. I sighed in contentment. It had finally happened. I was going out with Jason Bentley!

Third period passed very slowly. Luckily we had an assignment that was due so I had something to preoccupy my mind. Somehow I still could not stop thinking ,about Jason. His gorgeous eyes, his perfect body, and his amazing smile.

Eventually, the bell rang and I all but ran back to the building. As I walked up the front steps I saw Jason standing by the door. As soon as he saw me the biggest goofiest smile stretched across Jason’s face as he opened his arms up. I walked right into his arms and wrapped my arms around his waist. I was in heaven.

After a moment, Jason put his arm around my shoulder and steered me towards fourth period.

“Do we have to go to class?” I whined, looking up at Jason.

Jason leaned down and whispered, “We could always skip.”

“Sounds tempting but maybe some other day.” I sighed.

We had reached the Chemistry/Physics building. “I guess I’ll see you later.” I told Jason as he hugged me goodbye.

“Do you want to have lunch with me today?” Jason asked as he smoothed a piece of my hair down.

“Definitely.” I answered, a grin spreading over my face.

“Ok I’ll wait for you after this class.” Jason said as he softly kissed my forehead.

Jason turned and walked into Physics while I was stuck going to Chemistry.

As soon as I sat down Celest pounced.

“Are you and Jason going out?” Celest asked with curiosity burning in her eyes.

“Yeah,” I managed to say.

“That’s awesome. Finally you two are going out. It’s about time! Ya’ll are perfect by each other.” Celest knows how I feel about Jason.

“What’s going on?” Cole asked leaning back in his seat.

“Allie and Jason are going out.” Celest said proudly.

Cole turned and looked at me fully and asked “Really?”

“Yeah. Is there anything wrong with me going out with Jason?” I asked defending myself.

“No” Cole shrugged as he turned around.

I spent most of the class either thinking about Jason or talking to Celest about Jason. It wasn’t the worst class of the day, but it was far from the best, even though I knew Jason would be waiting for me. The bell for lunch rang faster than I expected.

I gathered all of my stuff and slung my bag over my shoulder. I walked out of Chemistry and instantly felt Jason’s arm around my shoulder.

“Hey beautiful,” Jason said as he kissed my hair, “Did you miss me?”

I wrapped my arm around Jason’s waist and said, “Yes I missed you sooo much” in my most sarcastic tone.

Jason just grinned as he asked “Ready to go to lunch?”

“Definitely” I answered happier than I’d ever been.

We walked to the cafeteria in a comfortable silence. We walked into the caf and got in line for food. I was comfortable standing there under Jason’s arm. Finally, we got our food and went to sit down. I didn’t know where Jason wanted to sit, but he steered me towards an empty table. A table away from his and my friends, who were staring at us. Correction. Everyone was staring at us.

Chapter 5

“Did Will ever tell you that I like you?” I said asking the question I had been dying to know the answer to.

“Will? No, he never said a word. Did he know?” Jason askedm confusion crossing over his face.

Will, Jason’s twin brother, had found out that I liked Jason last year and had threatened to tell Jason.

“Yeah he did.” I said, answering Jason’s question.

Jason looked down at my untouched lunch.

“Are you okay? Are you sick or something?” Jason asked looking concerned.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just not that hungry.” I said touched by his concern.

“You ready to go then?” Jason asked.

“Sure” I said picking up my tray full of food and dumping it in the trash.

Once Jason threw his tray into the trash he took my hand and we walked out of the caf. We walked down the sidewalk towards the benches and all of our friends.

Jason leaned down and whispered, “Did you know that I like you?” with a grin on his face.

“I kinda figured that out.” I said in a flirty tone.

We were jerked out of our own world by Jason’s best friend Luke.

“Hey dude, get over here.” Luke said waving Jason toward their usual bench.

“Nah dude, I’m okay.” Jason yelled back at him then looked down at me and smiled.

“Come on man, don’t be such a girl.” Luke said tauntingly.

We just kept walking as Jason ignored Luke. I was touched by him wanting to be with me, but I didn’t want him to dump his friends because of me.

“Jason,” I said turning to face him, “if you want to go hang out with Luke you can. I’m okay. I can go sit with Cammie and Brooke.” I knew they were dying to know what was going on.

“Allie, I’d rather be with the most amazing girl at this school than with Luke.” Jason said without a hint of indecision in his eyes.

“I think your stretching the truth a bit with the ‘the most amazing girl at this school’ crap.” I said.

“No I’m not. Allie, you are the most beautiful, smartest, funniest, most amazing girl at this school. I am so lucky to be going out with you.” Jason said wrapping his arm around my waist.

All of a sudden the bell rang. That stupid bell was always interrupting everything. “Ohh crap! I gotta get to Algebra.” I said as I started to pull away from Jason.

Jason quickly grabbed my hand as he asked “Do you want me to walk you to class?” in a soothing voice.

“Sure” I said calming down at his touch.

Jason walked me to my locker and waited patiently as I took my book out. I closed my locker and Jason took my hand as we walked down the hall and out to the annex.

This is pretty good, though I honestly think that things are moving a little to fast. It was just kind of like BAM I like you, BAM will you go out with me, BAM they're acting like they've been dating for three years. It just seems a little rushed. Even the classes are over within two sentences.

Overall, I really like this and hope you continue. PM me when you post more

Hey!
So chapters 4 and 5 where very good, but I was wondering if this is a true story?
Again, you have very beautiful writing and I enjoy your story a lot!

There are a lot of punctuation errors throughout these chapters, i would go back and read through your story.
But I did love these chapters, they could be lengthened though. You could add in littl descriptions here and there to give the reader and better understanding of how the school looks or how the characters feel.
How do the other friends feel about Jason and Allie?
So go back nd read through your story.