Young Writers Society

"Alicia, whats wrong?" asked Adriana, her teacher, she walked closer to her, knowing she might not want to blurt it out to the whole class.
Alicia just burst out crying in the middle of class, she didn't want to but, she just couldn't take it anymore!
"Ms, can I go to the bathroom please?" Alicia asked her, Adriana nodded, and she got up and walked out of the classroom. Adriana sent a friend of Alicia's to go with her.
After a while, Alicia was still in the bathroom, Adriana gave some work to the rest of the class and went to check on her.
"Jane, get back to class, I'll take it from here, thanks." Adriana said, Jane nodded and headed back to class. Adriana kneeled down next to Alicia, who had sat down in a corner next to the sinks.
"Alicia, what's wrong?" she asked her again, this time hoping for an answer.
"My dad attacked me two days ago, I called the police and they took me to a social worker, but he says if he can't find me a foster home within a month he'll have to give me back to my parents! And no one wants to foster 15 year olds cause they think they are nothing but trouble!" Alicia finally said, eyes filled with tears.
Adriana was shocked, she didn't say anything to Alicia, she just pulled her in for a hug, possibly breaking a bunch of school rules, but she didn't care, Alicia needed a friend right now. Not a teacher.
"My social worker keeps bringing me and picking me up. from school ever since, just to make sure I'm okay, I keep hoping he found someone, but he hasn't gotten any replies yet, I doubt he ever will!" Alicia continued, sobbing in between sentences.
"Do you think I can talk to him after school?" Adriana said.
Alicia looked at her teacher in complete shock.
"Why, Ms.?" She asked, a little tone of hope in her voice, but Adriana didn't notice it.
"You'll see," Adriana told her with a smile. "Good things come to those who wait."

So for the rest of the day, Alicia got through her lessons and when the final bell rang, she rushed downstairs to the front door
"Alicia! Wait up!" Jane yelled, running down the stairs, attempting to catch up with her
"Sorry, can't talk! I'll call you later!" Alicia shouted as she continued her rush
"Alicia!" Adriana called, running up to her now that she stopped as she spotted her,
"Ready?" she asked her.
"As ready as i'll ever be for whatever you're about to do!" Alicia said, a hint of excitment in her voice.

They walked out together and met up with Alicia's social worker, Daryl. After introductions Adriana started talking to Daryl about fostering Alicia herself.
"What?!" Alicia said, shocked, happy, excited and a little scared at the same time.
"Yeah, is it possible?" Adriana asked Daryl.
"Well, we do usually prefer foster parents to be married couples. So I'm not sure if the board will allow it." Daryl said.
"I have an idea!" Alicia suddenly said
"What is it?" Daryl and Adriana asked in unision
"Why don't you tell the board that Ms. Adriana fostering me is just a temporary settlement until I get a married couple to foster me, then when she gets married next year we tell them that they'd like to keep me there permanently, if that's okay with you of course." Alicia said to Adriana.
"That sounds...A lot like the mind of a lawyer at work, I like it!" Adriana said, smiling at Alicia. Then looking at Daryl for an answer.
"I think that could work." he said
"Oh, one thing though," Adriana said, looking at Alicia again. "You have got to stop calling me 'Ms.', otherwise it's just gonna get akward at home!"
Alicia nodded, smiling "Deal,"
"Ok then, now we just have to talk to the board and if they approve of it, get the paperwork signed and you guys will be all set." said Daryl

And it was all approved of and done in a matter of 2 days. Alicia moved in with Adriana, and she couldn't be happier.

Hi, Destiny! I don't think we've met before... I'm Rach, the frog's Ribbit. Together we're one mad reviewing team. Like Banjo and Kazookie. Or... nevermind.

Anyway, I'm really glad I read this. This story's got potential. You've got a teacher fostering a student, slightly against protocol probably but still awesome. I am slightly bemystified as to how this is a romantic novel, but I guess I'll just have to wait and see for that!

A couple things here made me scratch my head a little bit. One thing is you referring to Adrianna by her first name. I have 13 years of compulsory education and my two years in college. I don't think I'll ever be able to think of a teacher as anyone other than "Miss" or Ms./Mrs./Mr. Blank. It weirded me out--in a very strange sort of way, really--that you called Adrianna Adrianna! A very interesting reaction on my part, really, no fault of your own.

I had the same reaction to you calling him Daryl. Social workers are in the same sort of realm of Adult that gets the title for me. The comment toward the end where Adrianna tells Alicia that things could get awkward tell me you're already quite aware of the issue.

Now, of course, if you're writing from Adrianna's perspective, then of course it's fine to use her first name and not the title. It'd be weird if she were narrating as "Ms. ____," right?

But if this is from Alicia's perspective, then I think Adrianna needs to be "Ms. Whomever" in her mind. How she sees Daryl depends on Daryl. Maybe he wants to be Mr. Whomever, maybe he told her to call him Daryl. So that depends.

This brings me to my next topic... which is that I couldn't figure out what narrative style you're going for here. It looks like omniscient, where the narrator knows all, mayhaps? But it also looks like a limited point of view. And what narrative style you go for determines the names you might want to use. My advice is to decide on a narrative and stick with it, make it nice and consistent, and address the characters as makes sense for the one you choose. (Does that make sense? It might not. It's getting late here where I am and my brain is on Fridaymode.)

My last comment is on pacing. You have good dialogue and the buddings of good characters and lots of potential, but it all happens really, really fast. One minute Alicia's crying, the next they're talking, then they're working things out with Daryl, and then bam, Alicia's moving in! So fast! And we the readers miss out on all the details in between.

I know you're probably eager to get on to "the good part," but the bottom line is this can be the good part too. If you write this through Adrianna's perspective, why not start with her writing a lesson on the board, only to hear sobs break out suddenly? You could show us her turning around and picking out Alicia, maybe thinking, "Uh oh" and thinking fast to figure out if this is boy trouble or something serious, etc.

Just slow it down, take your time. Rather than jump from bit to bit, let us readers savor all the little stuff in between.

And... I think that's a wrap. If you have any questions/comments/concerns/need to consult with someone, come get me on my Wall (or PM, or carrier pigeon, whichever you prefer.)

Rach

Yo, Des XD (I've always thought that's a cool nickname)

Well, after reading this, (and Rach's review) I have to say, I agree with a lot of her points (I have trouble putting my thoughts into such intelligent words) especially what she said about you calling Adrianna "Adrianna". I mean... it was immediately like, "Huh?" from the first sentence:

"Alicia, whats wrong?" asked Adriana, her teacher, she walked closer to her, knowing she might not want to blurt it out to the whole class

Adrianna?! Teacher?! Whaaaat?!!?! I had to reread this a couple of times... Personally, I think that for this first chapter you should refer her to "Ms. _______" until the end when she's all like,

"You have got to stop calling me 'Ms.',

THEN I would make the transaction to "Adrianna"

However, if it is from Adrianna's point of view, you probably shouldn't change it... it's just that from what I've read it seems to me your going to focus more on Alicia in the story... maybe not (like Rach said, your point of view isn't very clear XP).

N E who.......

Besides the whole Adrianna thing, what irked me the most here was probably the fact that, the contents of this chapter could have been stretched over two chapters... three perhaps! So much happened... you need to take your time when writing, don't rush! This felt quite rushed... add more descriptions and imagery and awesome crap like that!

Also: just a sort of question/statement: You didn't tell us what Adrianna taught... i.e: math, science, art? Obviously if Alicia's fifteen she doesn't have just a teacher like you do in elementary school...

But, yeah, it's certainly an interesting basis XD

--
Tabby

Alicia had just burst out crying in the middle of class, she didn't want to but, she just couldn't take it anymore!

"Ms., can I go to the bathroom please?"

"Jane, get back to class, I'll take it from here, thanks."

Good way of telling what the 'friend's' name was.

"My dad attacked me two days ago, I called the police and they took me to a social worker, but he says if he can't find me a foster home within a month he'll have to give me back to my parents! And no one wants to foster fifteen-year-olds cause they think they are nothing but trouble!" Alicia finally said, eyes filled with tears.

WOW.

Adriana was shocked, she didn't say anything to Alicia, she just pulled her in for a hug, possibly breaking a bunch of school rules, but she didn't care, Alicia needed a friend right now.

Why would that break school rules?? She's just being nice, right?

"My social worker keeps bringing me and picking me up (I took out a period that was here...) from school ever since, just to make sure I'm okay. I keep hoping he has found someone, but he hasn't gotten any replies yet, and I doubt he ever will!"

Adriana called, running up to her now that she stopped as she spotted her.

"As ready as I'll ever be for whatever you're about to do!"

"Yes, is it possible?" Adriana asked Daryl.

So, I'm not sure if the board will allow it.

Then looked at Daryl for an answer.

"Ok then, now we just have to talk to the board, and if they approve of it, get the paperwork signed and you guys will be all set."

Interesting start.

There were a couple other grammatical errors that I forgot to stick up here but otherwise it's all good.
The start of this story is intriguing but it seems like it ends right at the end of this chapter - as if this chapter was the whole thing.
Overall it was pretty good.

Keep writing,
Alzora

Hey again Destiny! I saw this also and I thought I'd come drop off another review on this day known as the August review day! So let's get on with it, shall we?

So, the first thing I'll go into for this review is your grammar, etc. You don't make many spelling mistakes or anything like that, but what I really noticed was how many commas you use, even when you don't need them. Let's take a quick look at this sentence as an example:

asked Adriana, her teacher, she walked closer to her, knowing she might not want to blurt it out to the whole class.

This should not be one sentence. Here's what it really should look something like:

asked her teacher Adriana. She walked closer to her knowing she might not want to blurt it out to the whole class.

See? Doesn't that read a whole lot better?

What I would suggest to really know how and when to use commas as well as all the answers to any grammar questions you may have is to pick up a copy of Diana Hacker's book, "A Writer's Reference". It has pretty much everything you need to know about grammar and everything like that, and I've found that it has become indispensable to me whenever I need to know if something is right or not with my writing. Check it out, and maybe you'll find it to be useful too!

Here's a quick article on commas as well that you might find useful: http://www.writingforward.com/grammar/p ... -the-comma

Okay, so I know that this has been mentioned before, but it is really confusing as to why she calls her teacher Adriana! Even in third person omniscient, (which is what I think you're trying to use) the narrator usually uses the name that the characters interacting most with them would use. So, if Alicia calls her Ms. ______, the narrator in the descriptions would also call her that.

If you want more information about how to write in this perspective, here's a good article for that: http://www.wikihow.com/Write-in-Third-Person-Omniscient. If you still need more or want a different article, just try doing a google search and you should find something that will help you really get into the perspective and make your story less confusing as to which perspective/POV it is in.

Next, I just want to talk about this paragraph a bit:

"My dad attacked me two days ago, I called the police and they took me to a social worker, but he says if he can't find me a foster home within a month he'll have to give me back to my parents! And no one wants to foster 15 year olds cause they think they are nothing but trouble!" Alicia finally said, eyes filled with tears.

First thing's first, reading this it makes me a bit skeptical that she is so eager to volunteer this information. This is a huge thing, especially for a fifteen year old. Would she really just blurt it out to her teacher?

Also, I want you to take a look once more at that whole bit about giving her back to her parents. Absolutely NOBODY in their right mind would give a child back to abusive parents, no matter what! I don't know about anyone else, but I have never heard about that happening. If the police get a call about a child being attacked by her father, they wouldn't just take her to a social worker. For one thing, her father would have been arrested. They would not just leave him be. Child abuse is a crime.

Now, what you need to do about that is research what happens in cases like that. Google it, yahoo it, whatever, just make sure you know what you're talking about when you insert a serious subject like this into your story.

Also, with something like that you need to delve deeper into how Alicia feels about this, how she reacts physically as well as psychologically. Put yourself into her shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if you were in that situation. Then use that to develop her character because right now she is extremely flat. Make her real, and make us care!

On a similar note, and I know this has been said already, you really need to work on your pacing. Develop her character and the plot a bit more instead of jumping around from event to event to event. Show don't tell and all that jazz.

But what I'd also like to say is that despite all of what I said above, I really think that this has potential to be a really good story. You have a good idea and an awesome start. However, what you need to remember is that no really good story comes without a little hard work. Do your research and keep writing, and it'll turn out to be great in time.

Remember, practice makes perfect and nobody is automatically born an amazing author. Even famous writers had to start at some point and work to get where they are now, and I think that you have the potential to do the same. Just keep on writing and always trying to improve and you'll do great!

But I really should wrap this up because I have to get ready to go to work! I hope to read more of your writing in the future, and I sincerely hope that my suggestions help! And once again, feel free to PM me if you have any questions/comments/etc. and I'll get back to you ASAP. See you around!

"Alicia, whats wrong?" asked Adriana, her teacher, she walked closer to her, knowing she might not want to blurt it out to the whole class.

> instead of repeating the comma, you can replace the underlined part by saying, 'as she walked closer to her/ walking closer to her.'

"Ms, can I go to the bathroom (comma) please?

"Ms, can I go to the bathroom please?" Alicia asked her, Adriana nodded, and she got up and walked out of the classroom. Adriana sent a friend of Alicia's to go with her.

Instead of listing it that way, you might say, 'Alicia asked. Her teacher nodded and after she walked out of the class, Adriana sent a friend of Alicia's to go with her.'

but she didn't care. Alicia needed a friend right now but not a teacher.

"My social worker keeps bringing me and picking me up, from school ever since, just to make sure I'm okay. I keep hoping he has found someone, but he hasn't gotten any replies yet, I doubt he ever will!" Alicia continued, sobbing in between sentences.

> I noticed that you have placed the commas in the wrong place, just corrected them for you.

Well, I loved your story. I feel excited about what will go on next. I'll try to catch up with your work. Great job! : )

Forgive me for grave digging, but its review day and you posted your novel in our Discussion, so might as well review all of them right?

Punctuation
First thing I wanted to comment on was your punctuation. You had places were commas were necessary and places where you had random periods and no capitalization and it was just, well, bizarre. I'm sure if you read through it focusing on grammar, you would pick up on the little mistakes I'm talking about. Though there is one bigger problem.

And that is that you don't use proper punctuation for dialogue. A lot of people get this wrong, and I know I'm guilty of it too sometimes. For instance, if you have dialogue, the phrase should end in a comma then quotations if the sentence goes on like 'said whoever' or 'he whispered' or something like that. You only use periods for ending of dialogue if the sentence afterwards isn't related or ends in a special punctuation like exclamation points and question marks.

You didn't do this a couple times, so mainly, I would say look through your story. If you don't understand what I mean, just PM me and I will explain in more detail and pull out examples.

Descriptions
The thing about this is that you have none. There is none what so ever. Yah, you have characters and actions, but there is no idea of settings or what the characters look like. You have to work that in there for it is positively necessary. Just expand on your thoughts, paint the picture for the reader to make them understand what you see. I was at a loss. And that is also the reason why I think your story was so fast paced and went by almost too quickly. You didn't expand. Which also brings me to something you probably have heard before.

Show and not tell.

Its something every writer has heard before in their time. Instead of just stating how they felt and their actions, like walking or crying, spice it up a bit. Like show the emotions through how they act, through the way they speak. Instead of blatantly saying that they are crying, talk about the soft tears gently escaping. Or something. I'm not feeling creative right now. This method will also allow you to showcase appearances better because you are elaborating and you aren't info dumping their appearances or the setting.

Plot
Now this is an amazing idea. That is for sure. I find it really endearing and refreshing.

I don't think the application was done that great though. It moves by way to fast. It seems almost fake to me and it is doesn't really get me hooked. The dialogue is very static. You have to work on making the dialogue more realistic. Think about what a teacher would say, or what a fifteen year old girl would say. You didn't have any defined characterization in this whole piece and it kind of alarmed me.

For example, I do not think a girl would be willing to just blurt out to a teacher that she is a victim to domestic abuse. Yah, she is upset about it, but she would be reluctant and there wasn't even any poking and prodding from the teacher to find out this information. It just didn't seem realistic to me. Nor did it seem realistic that the social worker would give her back to her parents. Mainly because in real life situations, doing that and returning a child to an abusive parent could mean that the child could be killed or given more harm. She would most likely get placed in a large foster home, until she can get singular parents.

Which brings me to another thing. It didn't seem realistic that the teacher would just suddenly be all; 'I will foster you, child'. She would have to mull it over. Because picking up a kid has implications. Money, housing. Things have to be considered. It didn't really make sense to me. And it is also not right that the social worker would accept it so easily. They would have to background checks and go through police files to make sure this kid isn't being handed over to a serial killer or a potential bad influence, even if she was her teacher.

To me, I believe you have to work out a few things in your plot. You might have done that already and I look forward to reading more of your work.

Overall
I would suggest you take it slower and think things through more. Make sure you make the characters realistic and each have their own characterization. Get some more descriptions in there. Don't be afraid to get wordy. And lastly, review dialogue punctuation.

I really did like it and am off to the next chapter.

Go Team Red! For Gryffindor!

~Incognito