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Broken Road



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Sat Jun 04, 2011 1:43 am
AllieMeadows says...



Hey here is a new story that I'm working on. Critiques welcome and let me know if I should continue with it.
Broken Road Chapter 1

Beep, beep! My phone sounded, alerting me of a new text. I glanced up from my book and grabbed the phone, '1 New Message' the home screen read. I slid the bar across the screen and entered my password. The new message popped up after a moment and I noticed it was a picture. I pressed the picture to enlarge it and was confused by what I saw.

Rachel had sent me a picture of two people kissing. The girl was a brunette and the guy was blond. At second glance there was something very familiar about the guy, after a moment I realized what. Below the picture was a message, 'someone has some explaining to do!'

Tears filled my eyes as I looked at the picture of Aidyn kissing another girl. Grief filled my body, so much that I thought I was going to drown in it. I started to choke on the tears that were streaming down my face, the pain of betrayal broke my heart into a million pieces.

I fell back onto my bed and layed there, numb. I heard my phone ring but I didn't care enough to answer it. I didn't understand what was happening, my mind was still trying to process everything that the picture had meant.

Aidyn and I had been going out for five months. He was my first real boyfriend, my first love. He was even the first guy that my parents had approved of, which was a shock in itself. He was tall, handsome and athletic, the typical "Prince Charming" that is in every fairy tale, except there would be no "happily ever after" this time.

Just thinking about him brought on a wave of hysteria. As I faught back this demon that had been released, time had no meaning. In my personal hell seconds felt like hours, minutes were like lifetimes. The tears fell like a never ending watrlerfall, draining my energy as they fell. My body couldn't comprehend this pain, it literally felt like my heart was breaking. All I could think of was 'Why did he do this? Was it my fault?'

When I was able to claw myself back to awareness, it was 3 in the morning. My body was exhausted and I knew I needed sleep, but that seemed impossible. I rolled onto my side and curled up into the fetal postion as a few more silent tears fell, and, surprisingly, slipped into a light, fitful sleep.

The next thing I remember is rolling over and seeing the clock that read 8:05. I blinked but didn't make any move to get up. After a moment of complete silence, my phone rang. I grabbed it from the night stand next to my bed. I noticed it was Rachel, but I didn't want to talk to her so I just pressed 'Ignore' and layed it back on my pillow. As I layed there a few tears managed to slip past my control and I began to drown again. The phone lit up again, playing a cheerful tune that did not match my mood. I was about to press the ignore button again when I realized it was Jared.

"Hello," I managed to croak, wincing at how bad my voice sounded.

"Aub? What's wrong?" Jared asked, his concern for me leaking into his voice.

I knew I couldn't lie to Jared. We have been best friends practically since the day that we were born. Sometimes I'm pretty sure that Jared knows me better than I know myself.

I choked on my tears, making a gagging noice. "Aub? I'll be right over." Jared said before he hung up.

The minutes passed slowly seeming like hours. The tears continued to fall and all I wanted was for the pain to end. Eventually, I felt the bed shift as someone layed down next to me. "Hey Aub" I heard Jared whisper in my ear.

I rolled over to face him and looked up into his blue-green eyes. I could tell that they were searching my face, looking for a answer. "Can we go to your house?" I asked, wanting to escape the prison of my house.

"Sure," he answered, as he rolled out of my bed, pulling me with him.

I untangled myself from his arms and walked out of my room. As I walked down the stairs and out of the house a small part of my mind realized that my sister, Ashley, and my mom were gone. 'Good,' I thought 'at least they won't know I'm gone.' I climbed into Jared's truck and leaned against him as we drove in silence. Jared wrapped his arm around my shoulder and I finally felt safe.

I must have fallen asleep during the short drive because the next thing I remember is waking up in Jared's bed with his arms wrapped around me. I turned over to find him loking back at me, waiting patiently for me to wake up.

"What's wrong Aub?" Jared asked, his concern obvious in his voice and his eyes.

I grabbed my phone from the pocket of my shorts and scrolled through the messages to find the one from last night. Careful not to look at it, I handed it to Jared so he could see. I could feel his arms tighten around me, and his whole body went rigid when he realized what he was seeing. When I heard his breath get caught in is throat, I knew he was mad.

The tears started to fall again as my mind started to think about Aidyn. "Shhh, shhh. It's ok, he's a jerk and a huge idiot. He doesn't know how great a girl he had, a girl other guys would kill to have." He whispered in my ear, trying to soothe me.

When he spoke that last part I felt him wince but didn't think about it too much, I was too wrapped up in my pain. As he spoke more about how stupid Aidyn was, I started crying harder. I didn't want to know that Aidyn was a jerk, I just wanted to forget about him. The tears fell faster and faster down my face and I cried my heart out again. When there was no more tears left in my body I fell asleep, exhausted.

**********************************************************

My heart broke as I watched her sleep. Even the escape of unconsciousness wasn't able to erase all of the pain from her beautiful features. I brushed a piece of her purple highlites from her face laughing, remembering when she had gotten them. Everything about her made me smile.

Every fiber of my being was dieing to tell her the truth, I couldn't deny my true feelings for her anymore. Even though I wanted to tell her, I knew I couldn't. Not now after that bastard had broken her heart into a million pieces. I mentally kicked myself to make my body calm down before I screamed, which would wake her up. I didn't want to desturb her, she looked exhausted.

It was about a year ago when I started to fall in love with Aubrey. We were the best of friends, we would tell each other everything but I started to feel more than just friendship. She was the only girl I ever wanted to be around. I tried dating at first, just to try and get her off my mind, but it never lasted long because every girl would get jealous of me and Aubrey. Finally I stopped dating and decided to try waiting for Aubrey to see how I felt.

It had broken my heart when she told me that she liked Aidyn Daniels, but I tried not to let it show, for her sake. But it had almost destroyed me when she told me that he had asked her out. She was my best friend and I knew I couldn't lose her over something this stupid, so I hid the pain from her. I tried to be happy for her as long as she was happy with him, no matter how much it hurt me. But now he had broken her and it killed me to watch the consequences of his stupid decision. How could he have cheated on someone as beautiful, sweet, and funny as Aubrey?

I tightened my arms around her pulling her tighter against my chest and gently pressed my lips to her forehead. If I closed my eyes I could pretend, if only for a moment, that she was mine and that I had a right to do this. But when I opened my eyes there would be the same reality as before, with the same heartache that has been there the past year. I sighed, my breath washing over her face, and leaned my head against the girl I loved and wished for the thousandth time that she was mine.
Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead :o <3
  





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Sat Jun 04, 2011 4:26 am
bigdreamsforagirl says...



I really liked it. Specially from the guy's point of view...i could feel all his love for Aubrey :)
  





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Sun Jun 05, 2011 6:50 am
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germsieGal says...



Aweeh, I really liked :D I am going to keep reading, if you keep writing!
I really like the guys point of view, it felt as if you can feel his love towards her, congrats on capturing that :D
There is only one error I found, and now I can't find it anymore... I think it was that you spelled follow like folow, you just forgot a l.
Very cute story, I personally would have started it a little better, added some details. Your starting wasn't bad, just to fast into the story, you should ease into the problem not make it in the second paragraph.
I personally would have made the first chapter about Aubrey and Aidyn on a date or something, showing there passion for eachother. Showing how much Aubrey likes him(But that's me...).
Other than that I thought the story was worth the read :D

P.S. My names Allie :D :D :D just saying, heheh.
The hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay.
  





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Sun Jun 05, 2011 3:46 pm
theotherone says...



Hello there. :)

I'll begin with the nitpicks and then go on with my overall impression on the story.
I brushed a piece of her purple highlights from her facecomma, laughing, as I remembered remembering when she had gotten them.

Every fiber of my being was dying to tell her the truth,

I tightened my arms around her comma, pulling her tighter against my chest and gently pressed my lips to her forehead.


Aw, that was cute. :) It's a nice chapter to begin the novel with because it instantly sets us in the story and Aubrey's life. Jared's POV was also a nice touch. I liked how we know how he feels from the first chapter. The only thing that I worry about is that you're not going to continue with the two different POV throughout the novel. Because since you wrote a part of the first chapter in his POV, it would be weird that it would be the only part with his POV, right? Hope you understand what I'm trying to say. ;) Basically, I just want to see more of him in the story, like either one at every chapter, or even one out of two would be his POV. If this is too much for the story and the feel you are going for, you can always do the first and last chapter?

Keep writing, and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466
  





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Sat Jun 18, 2011 8:29 pm
LadySpark says...



ohmigosh! this is so much like my real life true story
Break that fall Check it out!

Loved!

I won't review, cause its already been done. :)
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame
  





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Thu Jun 23, 2011 5:52 am
thecamillecalalas says...



This is the kind of piece I'm sure teenagers will choose to read. I like the way you made Jared a sweet, loving, and lonely friend. I know all your readers are now on Jared's side. But like I said, this is the piece teenagers usually read, so the flow of the story is sort of predictable. But I feel that you have plans how to make this story more exciting and romantic and come up with something your readers would not expect but would love. You can do it. Just keep up the good work.
"There's a touch of madness in every great mind."
  





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Tue Oct 11, 2011 12:45 am
DontStopBelieving says...



I love all the emotions in this story. You can really connect with how the characters feel, almost as if you were them. This is all around off to a good start. Keep it up
If the world is supposed to be so bad, then why am I not complaining?
  





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Sat Oct 22, 2011 1:30 am
DontStopBelieving says...



Saying she
surprisingly fell into a light and fitful sleep
doesn't make much sense. For the most part, when you're upset, you don't sleep well, so it shouldn't have been a surprise. It would make more sense if you take the word "surprisingly" out.

There are metaphors that sound literal instead of metaphorical. They need to be worded differently. ex.>
I began to drown again.
It sounds as if she's literally drowning instead of just choking on/being overwhelmed by tears. You could add "in my tears" after the word "drown" to help it make more sense. Or you could change it to a simile instead. ex.>" I felt as if I was drowning in my tears once again."

Where you said
Claw myself
I instantly pictured someone clawing themself haha. It would make alot more sense if you changed it to "claw my way" instead.

There are several run-on sentences that need to be separated. Lots of complex sentences that need commas.

The latter part about about the purple highlights needs to be re-worded. Personally, I'd change it to "...her face and laughed. The memory of when she had gotten them filled my mind." It also would have been nice to have a flashback at that point. I was hoping to read the story of when she got them.

Last of all, there are quite a bit of spelling errors.

It's a little too teen angsty for me, but I did like where the boy was talking from his perspective. He seems like he has a "bad boy" exterior, but is super sweet and caring on the inside. It very much reminded me of Jacob from Twilight. In my opinion, you're on the right track with Jared. ;P

-K's big sis B :)
If the world is supposed to be so bad, then why am I not complaining?
  








You must never give into despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road, and you surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength.
— Uncle Iroh