Young Writers Society

I quickly dodged his attack. I landed on the ground, stumbling back.
"What did you do?" I yelled.
"Kill your friend or kill your father." Jane walked behind Noah, and said in a low voice,"Say surgissent."
"Surgissent," Noah repeated.
A flash of pain ran through my body. Noah walked closer I backed up. Waves of pain continuously ran throught me. I stumbled back falling to the ground, and grasping my body. I couldn't move or the pain would become more worse.
"Come on use your cage," Elli mocked. Elli and Jane were surrounded by a blue aura,thier cage. I stood up.
"The cage protects you from the demonic pressure. All this agonizing pain can be gone." Jane walked to Noah.
"Pleine puissance," she whispered.
"Pleine puissance."
The pain increased. I dropped to my kness grasping my body.
"Alex!" Emma yelled.
Noah walked up to me.
"Noah........sn....snap out .......of...it," I manged to mumble before he kicked me to the ground.
"Use your ca-"
"Shut up!" I yelled. Noah raised Peris above his head.
"No!" Emma cried. Before the blade could slash me, I grabbed it. My hands felt like two hot plates were being pressed against them. Blood dripped from my hands.
"Ahhh!" The pain was getting worse.




"Alex!" I yelled. I tried to pull away from the vines that held me, but they only got tighter.
"Emma, what's happening?" May asked.
"I need to do something."
The blood leaked from Alex's hand.
"I need to do something,but what?"
"EMMA!"May shouted. I looked at her's and Jen's worried expression.
"Calm down, and let me think," I said.
Alex groaned.
"Isn't there some way to,like, change that thing back to normal?" May said.
"Yes, but only the person who activates it can deactivate it."
Noah's body flew back, and hit a tree.
"Maybe we can get him to say reste."
"Okay, when I say three I want you guys to scream Noah reste."
"What?"
"Just do it." I demanded. Jen and May nodded.
"Three."
"NOAH,RESTE!" we screamed. I looked at Alex as he stood up. Noah looked our way. His eyes were the same color as Jane's,topaz..Elli looked towards us. Noah grasped Peris, and ran towards Alex.
"NOAH, NO!" Jen shrieked. Noah stopped and grasped his head.
"Looks like it is thier turn." Jane pointed behind us. A giant hand clasped around my body tightly.
"Emma!" Jen and May gasped.




Emma shrieked in pain. My hands were stinging, and Peris was sending waves of pain through my body each worse than the last. Noah grasped his head.
"Shit!"
"Use your powers and all these problems can be gone." Elli walked towards me. His hand changed into a long claw.
"Brother," Jane mumbled.
Elli jabbed his claw into my stomache. Emma cried louder as the demon crushed her body,May and Jen were held to a tree being choked by another demon, and Noah was groaning and cringed on the ground as another demon approached him.
"Shit!Shit!Shit!Shit!" I yelled.



"Shit!ShitShit!Shit!" Alex yelled. Green flames surrounded the area.
"SHIT!" he roared. Jane and Elli both stepped away, and they both put up thier cages. A green aura surrounded Alex's body. His green flames burned the other demons. May and Jen fell to the floor grasping thier throats and coughing, Emma grasped her left arm, that was crushed by the demon, and Noah was unconcious on the ground.
"He has immense power," Elli said to Jane. Jane and Elli hid behind a tree.
"He'd be perfect," Jane said. Elli nodded.
"Alex!" Emma yelled. Alex's green flames dissapeared. Emma told May and Jen not to move which they obeyed with fear. Alex was breathing heavily from the lost of energy. Jane walked from behind the tree, and up to Alex.
"Stay away from him!" Emma ordered.
"You're weak, your cage is about to dissapear, and Peris's demonic pressure will return." Jane said in pitty.
She walked closer to Alex. Then three people appeared infront of him.






"Kaitlyn,Robbin,Sam," I mumbled.
"Robin get Alex and take him to the house."
"Is the barriers around the kids?" Sam asked. Kaitlyn nodded. Robin drapped one of Alex's arm around his neck, and Sam pulled out two swords.
"He will come soon," Elli said with a grin. Jane's vines pulled May through the barrier.
"May!" Jen and I cried. I grasped my left arm. Sam ran towards Jane. She held her hand out; Sam was forced to the ground. Sam struggled, but managed to throw one of his swords at Jane. Her disembodied arm fell to the floor.
"You basta-"
"Sister!" Elli yelled.
He jumped infront of his sister, and blocked Sam's incoming sword.
"Idiot!" Elli held his hand out. Sam groaned in pain.
"Sam!" Kaitlyn cried. Jane, Elli, and May dissapeared.
"Sam you okay?" He stood up grasping his body and nodded.


I ran to Jen. Her body was shaking, and her eyes were wide and tearful.
"Emma, what.....Noah." She looked at the unconcious boy.
"It's okay," I lied. I didn't know for sure.
"Your arm."
"It's okay," I fibbed. The pain was horrible, but I could bear for a little longer.
"Emma, you okay?" Sam asked.
"Yeah, my arm, but what about Noah?"
"He is unconcious nothing serious maybe a headache," he confirmed.
"Okay, let's go, Damien said he is sending people to come and clean up the mess," Kaitlyn said. She held her hand out to Jen. Jen looked at me.
"It's okay," I said. Sam helped me up, and put my good arm around his neck. Robin returned and picked up Noah. Kaitlyn nodded.
The forest changed to a room. The trees dissapeared and was replaced by plain white walls.
"Where are we?" Jen asked nervously.
"My house." Kaitlyn guided Jen to the couch. Robin took Noah upstairs.
I looked around and asked, "Where's Alex?"
"Upstairs,"Kaitlyn said. "Sam take her up stairs and get the arm in the cast. He nodded.

You've separated this piece in an odd fashion and it made it hard to work out what was happening. Try not to double space unless it's completely necessary, it makes it harder to read.
Overall though your chapter was written well with a good balance of action and speech. Perhaps add a little more description in but that isn't really a must at this point. I'm interested to see where you'll take this. Keep using that keyboard of yours!

Hello, Arisu.
I disagree with IcyFlame. I like how you separated it. There are two people telling this story, right? If so, you do need to keep them separate. I like that we saw both points of view. I also liked that it was really an action packed scene. We started right in on the action in the first sentence.
The only thing I want you to do is use a spell-check. I found a couple of typos like "thier" instead of "their". If you don't have spell-check on your computer, you can copy and paste your scenes onto a website to spell-check.

MM

Hey, again.
First o fall I was really impressed with this chapter, It might be the best you've done so far(though my reading of them has been so spread out I don't really remember how good I thought the others one were).

Let's do the bad stuff before the good stuff. For the most part you fixed all of the grammarical(not a word, I guess), issues that were mentioned under earlier chapters.
There's one other issue I found though, which may or may not have been addressed already.

"He is unconcious nothing serious maybe a headache," he confirmed.

There's a couple of other times were you have run-on sentences in the dialogue. It makes what he saying really rushed, which I don't really like. While this is okay in the rest of the chapter because it helps convey the urgency and stressfulness of the situation, I don't really feel like it fits in here. It seems to me like things have calmed down a little bit, so they characters are able to speak normally again. Plus, this same character came in at the end, so he hasn't had this whole chapter to get riled up. Anyway, I think that it might be good to add some separation here, however this coming from the person who saturates her sentences with commas, so you might want to take that advice with caution.

Now for the good stuff. They others already said you had a pretty good balance of action and description, to which I totally concur. You did a really good job of making your readers feel what your characters feel. It was chaotic, hectic, crazy, stressful, and that translated over to me to make me want to keep reading.
can't wait for the next chapter!