Young Writers Society

"Oh, Annabelle!"
I swirled around, my white dress belling out around me and falling back into place. My white hair, flowing down in soft waves, quickly mimicked my dress. I clutched my sketchbook to my chest and tried to keep from wrinkling my nose as Lord Huntington's daughter, Larissa, daintily made her way over to me. Her brown dress swished as she walked, her breathing somewhat labored from her corset. Girls in the Victorian Era, I swear, they just can't get those things tight enough.
"Yes, Larissa?"
"It's time for Sunday Mass, what are you doing standing around the iron shop? Young ladies shouldn't be here!"
I must mention, Larissa is part of a group of the most uptight, etiquette obsessing rich girls in this town. The daughters of the lords came together and hounded anyone who didn't meet their standards. They always tried to get me to be in their group, seeing as my father was a powerful lord. Lord Drevensek, the tender, caring man that you would never expect to be a lord. Lords are usually so greedy and conceited. Thank the good Lord my father isn't like that.
"Oh, thank you for coming to get me." I disregarded her comment about the iron shop. It was a safe place for me. I brushed past her, walking the dirt roads of Middleville, Michigan. The simplicity of the Victorian Era was a beautiful thing. I smirked as I heard her huff and continue to find someone else to badger. Old Man McGrough was riding his horse and buggy down the dirt roads as usual, his shoulder length white hair spilling out from his top hat. He saw me and adjusted his monocle, his mustache following the curve of his lips as he smiled at me,
"Annabelle! Off to church, lass?"
"Yes, sir, can't be late!" My chipper attitude returned around him. Old Man McGrough was a favorite of everyone, so sweet and adventurous even as an old man. His job was giving others rides around town.
"Would you like a ride, lass? It's on the house for ya."
"Oh, no thank you. I do enjoy my walks through town."
"Suit yourself! And tell you father I said hello."
"Will do, goodbye!" I skipped off down the road, my dress swishing around my ankles. My corset only slightly affected my breathing, I refused to have it as tight as all the other girls. It was impractical. The great white church was being filled with townspeople climbing up the stone steps. I hopped up the steps and slipped into a pew in the back row, admiring the statues of Jesus and Mary, the stained glass windows, the altar... It was beautiful. I prayed silently for the poverty to decrease here, for plentiful harvest...
And for something exciting to happen.
Otherwise, I can assure you I'd die dramatically of boredom. Larissa and her minions, Annette, Lianna, and Collette sauntered into the church and took a seat in the front pews, smiling at the altar boy. He gave an awkward smile back and stared at the floor.
That was another thing, those girls were always trying to hang on important men. I guess it would make sense in this day and age, but still. To me, finding a husband was unimportant. I had been scolded by Father Patterson for these views several times.
Mass started, and I didn't listen to much of Father Patterson's words. Instead, I just thought about the world. My sketchbook lay in my lap, begging to be opened. The pencil lay in its spiral binding.
I plucked the pencil out and opened it, giving in to the book.
Countless drawings of people with wings filled the pages. One character that was my favorite, a man with long black hair and deep brown, almost red eyes, a long black coat, a piercing in one ear, and giant bat wings as dark as night. He covered many pages in my book. Something about his face led me to draw it over and over again. I usually drew what I saw in dreams, and this man I had seen so many times, I'd think my dreams were possessed. No one ever saw my drawings except my father. Everyone would think I was possessed by demons if I showed them these creatures.
I ran a finger down a close up of the man's face. He was so beautiful. So out of the ordinary. How I wished a man like him would come to this dreary town, where creativity was shunned and everyone was to be "normal".
I drew another sketch of the man, drawing until I noticed it was time to go. I quickly put everything away and got up, and was just about to leave when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"Annabelle. Care to tell me what you were doing back there alone? It didn't look like you were listening to me."
It was more of an accusation than a question.
"I was listening, and I was keeping myself busy."
"Shouldn't praying be enough to keep yourself 'busy'?"
"I felt like drawing."
"Silly girl," he scowled, ripping my sketchbook from my hands. As he flipped through the pages, his eyes widened, "What are these things?"
"Father, they're just drawings."
"Then why do you draw them so much? This man you draw looks like a messenger of Satan himself!" Father Patterson tossed the sketchbook to the ground and tried to drag me away. I managed to scoop it up and break my shoulder out of his grasp.
"How dare you break away from me!"
"I wanted my sketchbook back..." I looked at him straight in the eyes, praying to God he'd let me leave.
"And I say it's possessing you! No, I say you aren't even human! Who else has hair as white as snow, and eyes as green as emeralds? You should be burned! Burned!"
The altar boy rushed out and put a hand on Father Patterson's shoulder, "Father, please calm down. She's just a girl."
"She's evil!"
"No, no, Father, you said that we're all children of God. Come, let's get some tea..."
“Absolutely not! I need to get a burning prepared for this one. Tea can wait for later, boy! Now fetch me my exorcism tools.”
“Father, please. She’s just a girl.”
I started praying, my head bowed slightly. I feigned sadness and thought of something sad, and started to cry.
“See Father? You’ve caused pain in an innocent girl.”
I willed Father Patterson to drop the matter. This usually worked. If I concentrated hard enough, I could make things work the way I wanted them to. Father Patterson stayed silent and grunted, then calmed down. The altar boy sighed in relief. He led Father Patterson away, looking over his shoulder to smile at me. A real smile, unlike the ones he'd given to Larissa and her minions.
I smiled back and rushed out of the church. Everyone had always expected me to be some kind of wretch, I suppose, with my white hair and pale skin. Especially since I looked nothing like my father. He had shoulder length black hair and brown eyes. My mother was dead, she had died of pneumonia some years ago. She too had black hair and brown eyes. Their hair was straight. Mine was wavy. My mother was petite, and I was curvy.
I don't think I'm their biological child. I mean, really.
I rushed back to the iron shop, sitting on its porch and flipping through my sketches. There wasn't a single thing I wanted to do right now. I just wanted to sit in peace.
"Annabelle. You here again?"
I looked up to see the face of that beautiful voice, Kendell Inkcrest. He was the closest thing to beautiful I'd ever seen in this close minded town. All the other boys had their hair short, never far past their ears, but Kendell had it all the way down to his mid back. Of course, it was always in a loose ponytail as well. His hair in the front was shaggy, hanging down a bit past his chin, his bangs in his gorgeous ice blue eyes. His face was elegant and sharply angled, still looking strong. He had a small metal stud in both earlobes and a rosary around his neck. I loved his clothes, a slightly ruffled white shirt with a black vest and black pants with black boots.
Simply beautiful.
I nodded, "Yes."
He sat down next to me, smiling, "Then it's a good thing I'm here this time."
Kendell was an apprentice iron worker, and he almost always skipped his lessons. Quite juvenile, to be honest.
I smiled back, "Oh? Good for who?"
"I haven't a clue. Myself, perhaps...?" That impish grin that I loved so much spread over his lips.
"Charming." I elbowed him and smirked. "Do you have a lesson right now, Mr. Inkcrest?"
"It just ended, Miss Drevensek."
"Then how about you and I take a stroll?" I got up and smiled, offering him my arm. I held my sketchbook in my other arm.
He smiled back and took it, "A wonderful idea."
We walked off the porch and talked of several different topics that crossed our mind. I spoke of drawing and writing, he spoke of sea adventures and what he did when he skipped his lessons- which were really just drinking and playing cards.
"That's what you skip for?"
"Yeah. I like doing it, it helps me forget."
Kendell lost his parents when he was four. They were killed when his home was robbed. He recovered rather quickly, talking again in only a year. The iron worker, Mr. Calsworth, took him in and tried to train him into iron working. Kendell never had an interest in it, however, but it didn't matter. Mr. Calsworth's real son had already been trained and was going to take over the shop.
"'It's a skill you may use one day, Kendell!' I can't see how I'd ever have to make something if there's a shop close by!" He sighed in exasperation.
"You never know, you might be in a tight spot and have to make something yourself. Better safe than sorry, right?"
"I suppose."
We stopped at the small town restaurant titled lamely "Middleville Restaurant" and he smiled at me, "Might as well stop for a bite."
I nodded and we walked inside. We sat down and I set my sketchbook down on the table. The waitress, Mariam, smiled at us.
"Miss Drevensek and Mr. Inkcrest, not a surprise to see you two together," she winked at us, "What can I get you today?"
"Strawberry ice cream and a glass of warm milk would be wonderful," I smiled.
"Great. How about you?"
"Pheasant soup and wine, thanks."
"I'll be back soon."
When Mariam left, Kendell snickered, "Warm milk?"
I raised an eyebrow in response, "Wine?"
"What? You can enjoy a glass of wine anywhere."
"As you can milk," I couldn't help but to chuckle a bit. We got into some of the most random debates sometimes.
"But at least wine makes you look more your age. You're sixteen, and you're asking for milk?"
"It's good for your bones! And wine makes you look a lot older than your age, not just eighteen..."
Ah, yes. He was two years older than me.
"How much older?" He smirked in amusement.
"About three to five years older...?" I blinked. I didn't really have much of an estimate.
Either way, I honestly thought him drinking was a bit attractive.
"Interesting... May I see your sketchbook?"
"Uh, I don't usually let anyone see it..."
"Please?" Kendell looked at me with a slight pout, and I gave in. He sat back and we were in silence for a few moments as he flipped through the pages until Mariam came back with our food and drinks. She placed the cup of warm milk and ice cream in front of me, and a bottle of wine, a glass, and a bowl of soup in front of Kendell. He put the sketchbook next to me and looked up at Mariam.
"Here you are, enjoy."
"Thank you."
She smiled at me, but her gaze mostly lingered on Kendell. He smirked at her and nodded, causing her to flush and scurry away.
"I can see someone likes you, Kendell," I shot him a wink and giggled.
"What can I say, I've got more charm than any other man here." He took a spoonful of hot soup in his mouth, slightly cringing at the heat.
"Cocky bastard," I snickered and ate a spoonful of ice cream.
"Ladies shouldn't curse," his lips pulled into an amused grin.
I waved a hand and wrinkled my nose, "Who said I wanted to be like Larissa?"
Speak of the Devil, and the Devil shall appear. Larissa had spotted us and her shoes clacked against the floor as she walked over to us. She eyed Kendell hungrily before snapping her head towards me,
"Annabelle! What are you doing with a man, alone? It's a good thing I stopped by, or else you two could have done something sinful!"
Says the one who could qualify for being a prostitute.
She took a seat next to Kendall and clasped her hand over his arm, shooting me a glare before smiling up at Kendell, "How are you two this afternoon?"
"Good," we answered at the same time.
"That's nice. So, Annabelle... I heard that Father Patterson thinks you're possessed. I wonder why?”
Kendell, who had taken another spoonful of soup, spit it back up. He started laughing, "What is wrong with that man? I think perhaps he's the one possessed."
Larissa gasped sharply, "How dare you insult Father Patterson! You feel no shame, do you? Then again, you had no real parents to teach you anything about the word of the Lord..."
"Larissa, mind your tongue." I stared at her like my housemaids often did when they scolded me, and she glared.
"Don't command me, you disgusting wench!"
"Get out."
She hesitated before raising her voice again, "You heathen! You disgrace! I bet Lord Drevensek isn't even your real father, you're a mutant! Witch, is what you are! With your white hair and sinful green eyes, the color of envy itself!"
"The envy that you possess? Run along, petty rat. This is no place for you right now."
Larissa screamed and stomped off, and I glanced back at Kendall. He sat there with his head bowed and his lips in a grim line.
"I'm sorry-"
"Don't be, you weren't the one that said it. I think I should go." His hand slipped into his pocket as he found money for the meal. Kendell dropped it on the table and started to walk off, then turned around, "Your drawings are great."
Then he was gone.


----------------------------
Thanks for reading. Review?

I loved it. There is a lot of suspense as far as I can tell and it makes me want to read more. It shows the work of a creative mind. You really have a lot of potential. Just keep on writing like this. Try to expand your imagination further since imagination has no boundaries. I really liked the character Annabelle and her white hair. It makes me more curious to know about her sketches.

thanks, it means a lot. I'll post more soon.

Hello!


[quoteMy white hair, flowing down in soft waves, quickly mimicked my dress.[/quote]
Eh. Throwing out character description like this is clunky and inmyface. Very much inmyface. I don’t need to know what colour her hair is two sentences in. Right now I’m interested in what your M/C’s going to do next, not what she looks like.

Girls in the Victorian Era, I swear, they just can't get those things tight enough.

Annabelle is a native Victorian, yes? She’s not travelled there in a time machine from the present day? Then she wouldn’t think something like this. It would be like someone nowadays saying, “People in 2011, I swear they can’t get their skinny jeans skinny enough.” You accept what’s what in your time period because it’s the fashion and because everyone does it, so it’s nothing strange. This is a very modern way of expressing herself as well.

I must mention, Larissa is part of a group of the most uptight, etiquette obsessing rich girls in this town. The daughters of the lords came together and hounded anyone who didn't meet their standards. They always tried to get me to be in their group, seeing as my father was a powerful lord. Lord Drevensek, the tender, caring man that you would never expect to be a lord. Lords are usually so greedy and conceited. Thank the good Lord my father isn't like that.

Morality and rules and things were more of a middle-class thing. The aristocracy kinda did what they wanted.

The simplicity of the Victorian Era was a beautiful thing.

Her thinking this is unrealistic. Would you look around you and think something like that about your life? It’s not anything special; it just is and you accept that.

"Will do, goodbye!"

Too modern.


[quoteMy corset only slightly affected my breathing, I refused to have it as tight as all the other girls. It was impractical.[/quote]
So she doesn’t care how she looks? Victorian women wore their corsets tight because it was the fashion and because a tiny waist was a mark of beauty.

Larissa and her minions, Annette, Lianna, and Collette sauntered into the church and took a seat in the front pews, smiling at the altar boy.

Have you researched how accurate these names are? And if they’re being moral and proper and everything, they wouldn’t have dared even look at the altar boy in case it smirched their reputation.

Countless drawings of people with wings filled the pages. One character that was my favorite, a man with long black hair and deep brown, almost red eyes, a long black coat, a piercing in one ear, and giant bat wings as dark as night.

Too modern.

So out of the ordinary. How I wished a man like him would come to this dreary town, where creativity was shunned and everyone was to be "normal".

Too clichéd.

"And I say it's possessing you! No, I say you aren't even human! Who else has hair as white as snow, and eyes as green as emeralds? You should be burned! Burned!"

... Please. This is the Victorian Era, not the Stuart Era. Lots of people have pale hair and green eyes. And if you’re going to be horrible about someone, as the priest seems to want to, you’re not going to describe their eyes as being like emeralds. Side note here: where are her parents? Why is she out and about, unchaperoned?

“Absolutely not! I need to get a burning prepared for this one. Tea can wait for later, boy! Now fetch me my exorcism tools.”

Exorcism tools?

I looked up to see the face of that beautiful voice, Kendell Inkcrest.

Not a very Victorian name.

He was the closest thing to beautiful I'd ever seen in this close minded town. All the other boys had their hair short, never far past their ears, but Kendell had it all the way down to his mid back. Of course, it was always in a loose ponytail as well. His hair in the front was shaggy, hanging down a bit past his chin, his bangs in his gorgeous ice blue eyes. His face was elegant and sharply angled, still looking strong. He had a small metal stud in both earlobes and a rosary around his neck. I loved his clothes, a slightly ruffled white shirt with a black vest and black pants with black boots.

He sounds like an anime drawing. This is not historically accurate.

"Yeah. I like doing it, it helps me forget."

Too modern.

---

To be honest, I didn't like this that much. It was too modern. Annabelle behaves just like a modern girl trapped in the wrong era. If you're born in a time and a place, that's what is normal for you and you don't long to act like they do in a hundred years times. I don't mean to sound horrible, but I think you ought to do more research.

PM me if you have questions!

-twit

Twit, thanks for the criticism. I was worrying about if the speech seemed too modern or unrealistic...

However, the sketches of the man and Kendell Inkcrest were supposed to be inaccurate for the era, which was why he was as much of an outcast as Annabelle.

As for Larissa; she wants to seem proper to get away with doing what she likes without being questioned... Which fails.

No, Annabelle doesn't care about her looks.

It is rather cliche... e.e I suppose because she's bored with the people in town?

Anyway, I'll try to fix the story to be more accurate when I review it.

Well I would comment but Twit basically said it all. I agree. When it comes to Annabelle remarking on the dress attire for girls, I wouldn't include the way of saying the Victorian Era. I had to actually search up the Victorian Era so thanks for giving me something to google XD but yah. The dialogue tends to be very modern and her drawing is also modern. Also....is this fanfiction? Well I wish you luck. I really enjoyed this. Job well down Keep writing

I like this very much and would love it if you posted on my profile when you have more. I really like the main character she seems spunky and born in the wrong time, but that's perfectly fine because it explains why everyone thinks she's a witch besides her looks and drawings. Anyway Great job. The only thing I could really judge is the way you describe certain things. In the Victorian era people didn't call it that, and the name for the resturant, they didn't say 'resturant'. I also don't think they'd have spiral notebooks in that time period. So the only thing I would say would be to not refer to the time as the Victorian Era, and change the spiral bound book to something like "Leather bound book" So it doesn't sound like you're expressing the time period. The fact that there were corsets and dresses and the way that boys and girls shouldn't be alone together and the referance to the burning should be enough to tell the readers that its in the Victorian time. So that's it I guess. It was amazing and I can't wait to read more. Please PM me when you have more posted!

Freakette,

I'm going to apologize in advance for this review - hastily written and probably filled with mistakes, so if you have any questions, let me know. I wanted to give you something before the weekend ends - and I'll admit, I've been busy, but it's no excuse to break a promise right?

Alright so I'm excited to get started on this. Originally, I was only going to post one big, comprehensive review - but as I started reading through this, I realized that I owe you better than that, so I decided to look over each and every chapter in-detail, because it's apparent you worked really hard on this.

Your writing, by the way, is top-notch for your age. Really talented. I hardly saw any grammar mistakes and if there were some, well, it didn't interfere with the story-telling. Anyway, grammar will not be a focus for my critique. Let's take a look at this story.

First off, I remember reading chapter 13 and feeling like I was thrown in the middle of the action. Starting here, I'm surprised we're still talking about the same story. Though, I did get the foreshadowing that you did with the drawings and the sketchbook - so interesting. It's apparent that you've got a plot planned out for this, so I'm excited to see how it turns out. One thing about chapter one though - other than the romance going on, there doesn't seem to be much else driving the story forward. Somethings I would have liked to see:

1) What does Annabelle want? What does she desire above all else (besides Kendall)
2) Conflict. Conflict. Conflict.

Don't get me wrong. There are hints of conflict here and there about how Annabelle is an outcast, about how everyone considers her a witch - but it doesn't seem to bother her so much, almost as if you skimmed through that part to get to more important parts (the romantic interactions). I like romance just as much as the next person, and your romantic scenes are good - but romantic interactions can only be as good as the characters themselves. What makes a romance great are the CHARACTERS, so don't skim out on characterizing the characters as individuals.

And what do I mean by skimming through?

Annabelle has modern thoughts in a Victorian-era piece. There's nothing wrong with that concept except doing it believably is a lot more challenging and requires more work to be done (more on that later) I understand though, that this is something you are working on, it's a rough draft, and you're also very young. I am not trying to rip apart your story, merely trying to inform you on how to improve.

So, Annabelle, Annabelle, Annabelle. What do I think about Annabelle? She's certainly a great concept for a protagonist. Annabelle has a different moral compass than all the people she associates with, because of this, because of her individuality, she's considered an outcast. You tell us this. But you also paint her views as "correct" and Larissa's/Father's views as incorrect. This can be problematic. Is it really so black and white?

In the writing it seems like you're looking back to the Victorians now, and thinking: what a bunch of crazies. I mean, these are people who are SO concerned with social class structures, rigid class systems, "politeness", manners - there seems to be no concept of freedom in this time period.

We're a society of democracy. Freedom is in our constitution. Their ideals are outlandish to us. But realize that the Victorians had a reason for believing in the things they did. You have to understand, the concept of 'freedom' and individuality was new to them. They have yet to go through years of civil rights & social protests, they didn't even have democracy yet. I understand that this is from Annabelle's point of view - but Annabelle is a character born from the Victorian ages, and this is why the readers are complaining about her seeming so out of place. Annabelle would do well in our society - but will she do so well in this one? Yes and no.

If more people thought like Annabelle, well their society would be a chaotic mess. They believed so strongly in social classes because it kept order in a world of chaos. They LIKED order. Mind you, people did start thinking more like Annabelle. And look where that led? Napoleon and the French Revolution. Chaos, mess! This is what brought them the idea of freedom that we value so highly today

Not that you're saying she's doing well, she has no friends. She's being harassed by the Father of the church! This should bother her more than you've shown, and I believe that you understand this. You understand this well, because you wrote it down. It's just that in your writing it comes across as glossed over.

There should be more internal conflict. Why is she sticking so adamently to these ideals that everyone around her deems as dangerous and wrong?

Thing about it in this way: Let's say you decide to take off all your clothes and go for a walk in a public park. A public park! Where there are children! Well, maybe in a more futuristic society, they will think nothing of it. If you think about it rationally, the idea of clothes is silly. It's a direct conformation to society; limiting, because you're depicting your class and your "clique" by what you wear - when you can be nude, and show yourself for who you really are. I mean, what's the big deal? Everyone has the same "stuff". Why does our society make it such a big deal to wear clothes? Well, because it does. That's just the way things are. That is what our society deem as "proper" and if you decide to walk around in public in the nude - well you're going to get arrested. You're going to get harassed.

How's that for freedom?

So you see that things are not so simple as just what is right and wrong, what is logical and what isn't. What a society deems as proper is what it is, and there's little a single person can do to change that. So when you read back to all these reviews talking about how "this isn't how Victorian society works" - think about it in terms of our society's stance on nudity. Sure, people can think these thoughts. Sure, people can act upon it. But there will always be consequences, and you have to show this. You do show it kind of at the church- but I want more.

Characters like Larissa and Father Patterson are just that: characters. They don't seem like realistic people, so as antagonists, they are weak. In order to really bring out Annabelle as a protagonist, you're going to have to have equally strong antagonists. So work on that in your revisions. Because when you have a strong protagonist like Annabelle, going against these weak antagonists, it's like there are no consequences to her actions at all. This is what I mean when I say I want more consequences. Don't be afraid to have your characters suffer.

"And I say it's possessing you! No, I say you aren't even human! Who else has hair as white as snow, and eyes as green as emeralds? You should be burned! Burned!"

The altar boy rushed out and put a hand on Father Patterson's shoulder, "Father, please calm down. She's just a girl."

"She's evil!"

"No, no, Father, you said that we're all children of God. Come, let's get some tea..."

“Absolutely not! I need to get a burning prepared for this one. Tea can wait for later, boy! Now fetch me my exorcism tools.”

“Father, please. She’s just a girl.”

This scene right here is part of the reason the writing falls flat.

Father Patterson has a right to reprimand her. He's the father (is that the correct term? Not sure, myself) of a church, in this era this is a high, respected position and Annabelle doesn't respect him at all. When you think about Victorian era churches, think about today's Supreme Court.

The Father would be like the "Judge" - he ultimately is the judge of your faith and your character. The Church itself stood for morality. But it wasn't just about religion. The Church had power! It was how most people and especially women got jobs, and therefore food for their families. The Church also commissioned many famous art pieces and buildings that we know of and still visit today, none of this would happen without the power of the Church.

In Victorian era, there were two political powerhouses. There was the King and all of his lords - the "politicians" themselves - their interests were mainly aimed to benefit the aristocracy however, as many of these lords were aristocrats. But there is the second powerhouse that is the Church. And the thing about the Church was that you didn't have to be an aristocrat to take part and benefit from it. The Church was for the "people", in other words, so you can see why the Church was so important and you can see why Annabelle belittling the Church is blasphemous in this time period.

The Father, whether you picture him as corrupt, or not -- he'd be somebody educated. He doesn't sound educated here. And why is a little boy depicted to have more sense than the Father? He seems like a cartoon character, he seems ridiculous. Annabelle WOULD be the one in the wrong here, so make sure to show these consequences. No matter how you view it - to the Victorians, this would be an act of defiance against the Father of the Church, and so indirectly, a defiance against God. And it's not like you had a choice to be religious or not during this time period.

There's no such thing as freedom of religion in Europe at this time. Only the Americas, and they were thought of as crazy revolutionaries.

Now, I don't expect you to know all of this stuff as you're writing your first draft xD I'm telling you all this because I've studied this time period for just about ten years. But when you go back after you finish with your story to revise your draft then do some research of your own. You will find some very interesting dynamics. You can research the Victorian era online - or better yet, read some books from the Victorian era. Notice how the characters talk, how they act. This is the best way that you will become familiar with it. I recommend Jane Austen, to get started with. She also has characters who are modern-thinkers but hers are believable because they talk and act according to their era - her female characters rebel in a particular way, so pay attention to that

Also of note: Charles Dickens, Thackarey, and the Bronte sisters. Read their works, I'm sure you will enjoy it. But also study their works! Pay attention to diction, and pretty soon, you'll start writing your characters more in scene, you'll see. Remember that creating a believable world is important, so you have to be able to know the Victorian era scene inside and out if you want to create this world in your story. Here are some problem places that were especially jarring for me:

"Girls from the Victorian era"
"I prayed silently for the poverty to decrease here"
"I guess it would make sense in this day and age"
"The pencil lay in its spiral binding."
"where creativity was shunned and everyone was to be "normal". "
"Who else has hair as white as snow, and eyes as green as emeralds? You should be burned! Burned!"
"Now fetch me my exorcism tools"
he'd given to Larissa and her minions.
"He had a small metal stud in both earlobes"
We stopped at the small town restaurant titled lamely "Middleville Restaurant"
Strawberry ice cream

Ice cream in this era? Spiral bound notebooks? Exorcism tools? Lamely in Victorian-era did not mean the same as it means nowadays. A mule is lame. A horse is lame. Lame in that era would mean something like retarded in ours xD Also, "I prayed silently for poverty to decrease" just doesn't sound like something that someone would say out loud.

And wine makes you look a lot older than your age, not just eighteen

Actually, in those days, they drank wine at about twelve, or however old enough they have to be to join the "adult" table, this is true in Europe even today, there's nothing sophisticated about wine, it's actually very casual and not unusual to have a glass of wine everyday with your lunch, whereas in America wine is generally used for special occasions and then with age limits. To be honest, I don't even know whether you're from the US or not xP But just based on this, I assume that you are. That just goes to show how you must always take regional differences into account

She took a seat next to Kendall and clasped her hand over his arm

Women of that era flirted differently, they were certainly never that forward. Think of the Victorian era as the "repressed" era in terms of sexuality. That's why you see the long dresses, the high collars, the long sleeves - and men as well were covered head to toe. Even looking at someone in a certain way was deemed /too/ forward.

This is in part what I mean when I was talking about consequences for inappropriate actions before. Annabelle seems normal in our standards. But in the Victorian standards, this is WAY to much signs of affection. I mean, WAY. I mean, they couldn't even say the word "leg" in public during this period. That's why if you read enough pieces from the era, you're going to find writers use a lot of alternatives, like "limbs" ;D

Miss Drevensek and Mr. Inkcrest

Nice surnames!

Now, I know there's a reason why Annabelle has a modern-day personality and way of thinking. That's not a problem. Speech, however, is an issue, because we get our speech from our respective cultures/eras - so a girl from the Victorian era may have modern thought-patterns, but she better have Victorianesque speech. Again, reading Victorian literature would help you naturally come up with that speech.

I know that these discrepancies have been mentioned to you again and again by other reviewers, but I only want to mention it in my own review to point out its importance in building a believable world. Think of Harry Potter, LOTR, Star Wars, Pirates - each have their own believable world, but even those writers had difficulties with it (JKR mentioned Dudley owning a playstation in 1990s or something) So don't be discouraged. All of this will come with revision.

I have prattled on long enough. I spent a lot of time pointing out mistakes and not enough time to tell you that I am actually quite engrossed in the story and these characters despite these mistakes. I know you've waited forever and a day for this review xD More of this is coming if you're patient with me I tried to take my time with it to be as detailed and honest as possible because this story is worth it. Thank you also, for having good grammar. Reading went by so smoothly, I seriously love you for that.

~ As always Audy

Ooh, Audy, thank you for the long review, there are some really good point, but these characters aren't in Europe, and it's 1886, the year the very first prototype recipe of Coca-Cola was being made. The first ice cream parlor in America was opened in New York in 1776. Spiral bound notebook, I will have to change, though.


Also- because this is America, the church isn't so powerful anymore, as you've kinda mentioned. Times had changed just a little bit.

But still, I enjoyed the feedback about the character development and what could be added to the story.~ There are things I could do differently that would make the story a little more believable. I appreciate it!~

Guess it's time to pick up some books again.