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Don't Forget - Chapter 2



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Mon Aug 15, 2011 1:37 am
shelbycate says...



( P.S. I still need to fix the format of the dialogue, so please ignore that! All comments are appreciated :smt001 )



Chapter 2

I was genuinely sad to feel the plane find the runway. I had felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders when I let my guard down and talked with my new friend. It was easy for me to open up to Mrs. Carson. She didn’t judge every word that came out of my mouth like most people. She was interested in what I had to say, and she showed it. I hated to be cliché, but the words that came to my mind when I considered her were “kindred spirit”.
As we walked out of the tunnel and into the Chicago airport together, I felt tears come to my eyes for the first time in months. I looked at her and smiled, knowing that our paths would not cross again. She took my hand in her own, wrinkled one.
“I can’t tell you how much you’ve blessed me, Lily.” She blinked back tears. Mine spilled over my cheeks. I shook my head. “I’ve never talked to anyone the way we talked today. You’re the one who blessed me.” She looked away. “I’m glad. Goodbye Lily. God bless you.” She nodded, let go of my hand, turned and walked away.



As easily as my guard went down, it went right back up as I sat in the waiting area.
“Uh…hey.” I turned to see a guy around my age looking at me. Great.
“Hi.” I said flatly. He moved to the chair next to me, and my body stiffened. This wasn’t good and I knew it.
“I’m Jake. I noticed you…looked a little bit lonely?” He grinned.
I looked him over. He wore dark skinny jeans that didn’t fit right, a tight white tee shirt, and a black leather jacket.
He wasn’t unattractive…ok scratch that he was really good looking. His hair was a shade of brown that was too dark, but seemed to know exactly where it wanted to go as he shook it boyishly. His sharp jaw fit perfectly with his high cheekbones, and he looked like a character out of some dark movie about an evil prom king or something. He pursed his lips and gazed at me with big dark eyes.
“Um nope. I’m fine, thanks.” I shifted in my seat and tried not to make eye contact. I pretended to be interested in the map of the airport in my lap.
“Aw, come on. What’s your seat number? Maybe we’re sitting together.” He leaned closer, and I knew he was testing me. I didn’t like it. He smiled again.
“In your dreams,” I shot back. “I don’t need any company, so could you leave me alone please?” I tried to sound as unfriendly as possible. Apparently I failed, because as soon as I looked away I felt his hand plant itself on my arm. My heart raced. I pulled away angrily and stood up.
“Don’t touch me.” I picked up my bag and moved to the other side of the waiting area. I made mistake number one when I glanced over to see him shaking his head at me. I quickly looked down, my strawberry-blonde hair brushing my cheek. Ever since last summer… I couldn’t even bring myself to be civil, much less friendly to guys who showed interest. Maybe it was wrong, but I wasn’t willing to let anyone get close to me. Not yet.
I decided to shove my headphones in my ears and tune out, as I had so many times before. I closed my eyes and tried to slow my racing heart. Just calm down. You’re fine…he didn’t do anything. He was just trying to be nice. Stop freaking out.
I continually tried to convince myself that everything was ok…that nothing had ever happened…that last summer was completely normal. But I knew better. What happened to me wasn’t my fault, yet I had to suffer the consequences. But I was on my way to Wilmington, and I wasn’t about to let one horrible memory ruin it.
About a half an hour later, I saw people pick up their carry-ons and head toward the tunnel. I took the hint and stiffly stood up, making sure not to look at Jake. Picking up my backpack, I as well made my way through the tunnel and onto the aircraft. This plane, much larger than the first, had four seats on either side of the aisle.
After waiting five long minutes for the people in front of me to load their carry-ons in the overhead compartments, I finally made it to my seat. At that point, all I could do was pray that Jake wouldn’t be sitting even remotely close to me. The chances of that were slim, considering the size of the plane, but I wasn’t certain.
As the lines in the aisles got slimmer, I began to relax. He was right behind me. He has to have gotten his seat by now, and it’s not here… I put in my headphones and leaned back, closing my eyes. I felt someone bump my knee. I opened my eyes and looked up. There he was in all his glory. Mr. Big Dark Eyes himself.
I yanked my headphones out of me ears and pressed my lips together.
“We meet again,” he coaxed, evilly. I shook my head. “What the heck are you doing?” I said, with more confidence than the first meeting. He put his hands up in surrender. “Hey, I’m just trying to get to my seat,” he couldn’t help but smile at my fury.
“There is no way you’re actually sitting here, so move along before…” I was stopped mid-sentence when he shoved his boarding pass in my face. “See for yourself, sweetie. I guess you could call it fate.” He flashed a toothy smile and I yanked the ticket out of his hand. Sure enough, it read 17b. Just to double check I compared it to my pass…it said 17a.
I tossed his ticket back to him. I had no idea how I was going to live through this flight. I managed a “fine” and got out of my seat to let him get it, making sure he didn’t touch me at all. When he sat down, I eased my way back onto my seat, trying not to make eye contact.
The flight attendants started to explain airplane safety, so I half-tuned out. Until I heard something about asking to be reseated. The light bulb in my head went off. You know that button on the arm of the seat or right next to the air conditioning that has a person holding a cup? Well that’s what I call the “Excuse me, but get me in a seat away from this freak!” button. Clever, I know. Quickly I pushed it, hoping to get away as soon as possible.
“What are you doing?” Jake asked. I could see the worry in his face and it was my turn to smile. “Getting the heck out of here,” I snapped. In about thirty seconds, a flight attendant was at my side with a huge smile plastered on her face. “How can I help you?” she asked in an almost too friendly way. I shot Jake a look and then smiled sweetly at the woman. “I’d like to be reseated please.”
She kept the smile on her face as she answered, “I’m sorry, but you’re not in an exit row. We only reseat passengers in exit rows who are unable to assist other passengers with an emergency evacuation.” My smile disappeared quickly. I looked at the floor, unsure what to say next. I heard Jake snickering. “Are you sure you can’t make an exception?” I tried. Once again she kept her never-ending smile. “Absolutely not. Have a great flight!” And with that she walked away, smile and all.
I looked straight ahead, not saying a word. “Nice try,” Jake whispered. I tried to control the chills running down my spine. After a minute or two, I gained enough confidence to look at him. “I swear if you lay a hand on me I’ll”
“You’ll what?” He brought his face within an inch of mine and breathed, “Call your best friend the flight attendant?” I was speechless. He was right. What could I possibly do? Call the flight attendant and complain about the passenger next to me? Ha!
I took a deep breath and looked down. Then I put my headphones back in my ears and looked the other way. I would deal with him if he did anything I needed to deal with, but for now, I wasn’t going to worry about it. There was no need to be paranoid. Plus during all this, the two other passengers had joined us. I was fine. I closed my eyes and leaned back. I let the plane rock me to sleep. And oh, man did I sleep.
Mistake number two.


I woke up about two hours later with a sore neck and a monstrous headache. Not a good combo. I also woke up to Jake silently rummaging through my carry-on. “What the heck are you doing?!?!” I shrieked, getting his attention, as well as the attention of about seven other passengers. He jumped and dropped my carry-on, spilling its contents.
“I…uh…well, I was just…um…” he tried. I couldn’t believe this guy. I grabbed my carry-on and began picking up everything that had fallen out. He finally decided to take his foot out of his mouth and attempt to explain himself.
“There’s an old saying, ‘You can tell everything about a girl by what’s in her purse.’ Well this is the closest thing to your purse, and since you wouldn’t talk to me I figured I’d try to find out about you…”
I shook my head. “That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard! I can’t believe you went through my stuff, you sleazy little” for, like the third time that day I was interrupted, but this time it was by the captain, announcing our descent. I recomposed myself and looked at Jake. “Thank goodness we’re almost to Wilmington and I can get the heck away from you,” I snarled. He frowned and locked his eyes on mine. Something very dark filled those eyes. He shook his head and didn’t say another word.
The best
gift you can
receive is
constant
amazing
indescribable
unconditional
love.
  





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Mon Aug 15, 2011 3:49 pm
Maisie says...



I'm here to do a review well - of a sort anyway.
I don't quite understand the character of Jake - I don't know whether it's just me or...? He just seems a bit of a random character and the way he talks is a tad weird.
Other than this and the dialogue problems you said you were aware of...I don't really have much else to say.

Really looking forward to the next chapter!
Keep writing!
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 3:14 pm
Cotton says...



hello :D grammar and punctuation nut, at your service!

I haven't read the first chapter, but your writing made me feel like I hadn't missed anything... not in a the-first-part-must-have-been-really-dull kind of way, rather that you managed to describe everything with enough accuracy and enough hints about what had happened before for me not to feel lost. It's a compliment - seriously :D

Your grammar and punctuation are exquisite. Nice variety in sentence structure, good descriptions, good balance of speech and narration.
You're only human, of course, so there are a few slips and I will point them out - I won't explain why generally, because you do most of them right in other places so that would be pointless :P

I had felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders when I let my guard down and talked with my new friend. It was easy for me to open up to Mrs. Carson. She didn’t judge every word that came out of my mouth like most people.

You start off doing that thing where the story is in the past tense, but then the character 'looks back' to a time before then, so they use the "I had been... she had said" tense. So you start doing that with "I had felt", but then slip back into "I let my guard down" and "She didn't judge". I think you want to stay in the "had" tense, so you'd need:

"I had felt a weight lifted off my shoulders when I'd let my guard down and had talked with my new friend. It had been easy for me to open up to Mrs Carson. She hadn't judged every word that had come out of my mouth like most people would have."


“I can’t tell you how much you’ve blessed me, Lily.” She blinked back tears. Mine spilled over my cheeks. I shook my head. “I’ve never talked to anyone the way we talked today. You’re the one who blessed me.” She looked away. “I’m glad. Goodbye Lily. God bless you.” She nodded, let go of my hand, turned and walked away.

Make sure you start a new paragraph when the character speaking changes - although that might be the speech formatting issue you mentioned, in which case ... don't mind me xD


Hi.” I said flatly.

Punctuation: a comma after "Hi" is required


He wasn’t unattractive…ok scratch that he was really good looking.

I think this would read better:

"He wasn't unattractive... OK, scratch that. He was really good looking."



Sure enough, it read 17b. Just to double check I compared it to my pass…it said 17a.

I'm not sure about the ellipsis here. Maybe this would look 'cleaner'?

"Sure enough, it read '17b'. Just to double check, I compared it with my pass - which said '17a'."


He put his hands up in surrender. “Hey, I’m just trying to get to my seat,” he couldn’t help but smile at my fury.

The "he couldn't help but smile at my fury" is a clause in its own right, and doesn't really fit with the speech closely enough to warrant a comma, in my opinion, so maybe something like this would fit better:

"He put up his hands in surrender. "Hey, I'm just trying to get to me seat," he said in an innocent voice; he couldn't help but smile at my furious response."

But yeah, trivial stuff. Overall, this was well written and engaging. I'm happy - so should you be!

~*cottonrulz*~
Here's a story of a brother by the name of Othello,
He liked white women and he liked - green jello... - Reduced Shakespeare Company
  





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Tue Sep 06, 2011 1:22 am
theotherone says...



Hello there. :)

I'll begin with a few nitpicks and then go on with my overall impression on this chapter.
Just calm down. You’re fine…he didn’t do anything. He was just trying to be nice. Stop freaking out.

The whole thing should be in italics since it's a direct thought.
I managed a “fine” and got out of my seat to let him get to his, making sure he didn’t touch me at all.

“Call your best friend comma, the flight attendant?”


Overall it's a great beginning. Although it's a story I've seen a thousand times (Girl gets away from home for a short amount of time, meets guys, fall in love, and somehow changes her perspective on something) I hope you can make it yours. Something that we haven't seen before and that will make your story unforgettable. Because otherwise, it's pretty bland, if you ask me. I'm all for timeless stories that have a twist. ;)

Also, I like the way you narrate. It's not too personal, without being to formal either.

Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466
  





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Points: 903
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Tue Sep 06, 2011 1:11 pm
NightStormxd says...



This is really good.
It gives a really good mind movie and i really like that. Its like i dont have to work so hard to get what you mean!
Keep writing!!!

Fly On~ Raven
  








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