It's very fresh and I haven't thought everything out yet but I wanted some opinions before I got super far into it. Thanks much for reading!-------------------------------------------
Everyone has a crush right? Maybe not a big crush or anything extreme, but if you’re not in a relationship aren’t you always subconsciously looking for your next (or first) boyfriend or girlfriend?
Even if you don’t think you have a crush, deep down you do. They may not be someone you try to talk to all of the time and go out of your way to impress, but someone that you wish would notice you. Someone you wish would see in you what you see in them, find you interesting, want to talk to you, get to know you, and want to ask you out. If any of those things happened you wouldn’t fight it, you’d embrace it and be absolutely elated. But in the back of your mind you know it will probably never happen so you don’t get your hopes up.
I have one of those.
His name is Micah Smalling and unfortunately for me, he is not only out of my league, but completely off limits. He dated my best friend Camilla Granado for almost six months. They broke up three months ago.
Camilla is the one that did it. According to her she didn’t want to be “tied down” with any one guy and it’s healthier to play the field a little more. Down the road if she decides he was something special then they can rekindle their relationship.
She says she’s moved on. She hasn’t begun dating anyone else yet but she has a new crush every week. Micah has been forgotten about.
A part of me feels bad for him. He got dumped and I think he really liked her. I can’t say any of that to Camilla though. If I bring it up, she reminds me that she’s my best friend and I need to be supportive of her, not the ex. Maybe he did something wrong. Maybe he wasn’t a very good boyfriend. Maybe Camilla was right in breaking up with him.
I still feel bad though.
I know it’s wrong and I shouldn’t but I like him. I really, really like him.
It all started last year. We had art history together and he sat two seats to the left of me and one row in front. I did my best not to stare and to act natural when we were put in groups together and we had simple conversations in class about art history. There’s just something about him. I don’t know what it is.
It’s not like he’s the hottest boy in school or the most popular. I mean, he’s attractive, dark hair that covers his ears, a little on the scrawny side but defined biceps, a flat chest, a really nice smile, and beautiful dark blue eyes. He has a lot of friends, he’s outgoing, but girls like Camilla are more his type.
Camilla is tall and confident. She has long, dirty blond hair and big boobs. Everyone loves her. People like me. I’m not a social outcast or anything, but I’m often overshadowed by Camilla. Why go for quiet Ashton that throws her hair back in a ponytail and wears graphic t-shirts and skinny jeans to school when you could have her friend Camilla?
A couple of months after I realized I like Micah, Camilla decided she did too. To be fair, I never told her. I didn’t see the point. He’d never go for a girl like me anyway. I feel like he could like me if he got to know me, but the problem is why would he want to take the initiative to get to know me?
The three of us began to hang out. I loved it just as much as Camilla. I stupidly thought that maybe now that he’s getting to know me a little better, he’ll see that I’m the better fit for him and he’d be better off with me over Camilla.
This obviously didn’t happen.
I pretended to be so happy for her after Micah finally asked her out. I squealed and giggled with her at all of the right moments, when they had a great date or had their first kiss together. I let her bash him when he made her upset and let her cry on my shoulder when she decided it was time to end it.
All of this time she didn’t know. She didn’t know that every time I saw them together, I wished it was me. That I like him. I like him a lot. She didn’t know that when she told me about their first kiss and everything that came after, I went home and sobbed in the shower because I want to be the one kissing him. I want him to say he loves me. She didn’t know that when she bashed him, I felt sick because I didn’t believe any of it and can’t imagine saying those things about him. She didn’t know that when she broke up with him, I was almost happy. This could be my chance.
But deep down I know nothing will happen between Micah and me. I don’t have the guts to tell him how I feel. I can’t even talk to him in class or in the hallway. We’ll probably never talk again. Why would he want to talk to me or get to know me again and have the constant reminder of Camilla in the background? Plus, I think if I talked to him, Camilla would consider it base-line treachery. You can’t date your best friend’s ex. You just can’t.
Once a month, either I go to Camilla’s house or she comes to mine for a sleepover. No matter how crazy the month has been, how little or much we’ve talked or hung out, we always have our sleepovers. It’s a chance to catch up if it’s been a crazy month, relax, eat junk food, gossip, and talk about other important issues in our lives.
The two of us set up camp in Camilla’s room. She decorated it back in middle school during an obsession with the seventies, tie dye, and hippies. Each wall is a different color, green, pink, yellow, and blue, the ceiling is orange, her bedspread a bright rainbow tie dye.
“Okay Ashton,” Camilla opened a fresh bag of Doritos and grabbed a handful before sliding the bag towards me. “We haven’t talked about this in forever. Who do you like?” She grinned.
Camilla doesn’t tell my secrets and I’ve never had a problem talking to her about this kind of stuff before. This time, I can’t tell her. I don’t like keeping it from her. It makes my stomach turn lying to her but she can’t know. I don’t even want to begin to think about what would happen if she found I like Micah.
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “Who do you like?” This usually works. Camilla likes someone new every week and loves to go on and on about how awesome they are and how she’s sure this time it will stick and be different.
“Like you don’t know! I told you the other day.” She grabbed a cookie from the plate her mom brought up for us. “Bennett!”
I barely know Bennett and I’m not entirely sure how Camilla knows him or if they’ve even talked. “He’s the one that solos in jazz choir a lot right?”
“He’s the hot one that solos in jazz choir.” Camilla corrected. “But we’re not talking about him we’re talking about you. Who do you like? ‘I don’t know’ is not an acceptable response. You do know.”
I thought quickly. “Well, I mean, there are people I think are attractive but I don’t know if I actually like any of them.”
Camilla sighed. “Ashton, you need to like someone.”
“Why is that?”
“If you like someone then you can make a freaking move and go out with someone. You haven’t had a boyfriend since freshman year and no offense, he was hardly a boyfriend.”
I sighed. “I know. But I don’t want to date anyone; I want my relationship to be something special, real.” I want Micah.
“You have your whole life to find something special. You’re a senior in high school. This is a time to be spontaneous. This is a time to have fun! You don’t have to find your soul-mate you just have to find someone you like and that likes you back. It’s not that hard.”
I grabbed a cookie and let her words sink in. She’s right. I do need to have some fun. But I also don’t want to settle for someone that I don’t really like when there’s still Micah.
I don’t know what I’m saying. Micah is never going to like me. He’s not going to want to talk to me enough to get to know me. I’m quiet and awkward and the best friend of his ex-girlfriend. There is no chance.
“Hypothetical situation,” I began. “Let say I do like someone.”
Camilla’s eyes widened. “Who?” She exclaimed.
“This is hypothetical,” I reminded her. “If I happen like someone in the future I want to be prepared.”
She nodded for me to go on.
“So let’s say I like someone, but they’re out of my league.”
“There’s no such thing as someone being out of your league. You just have to be more confident! You’re pretty and smart and nice and amazing. You could get any guy you want if you just put yourself out there a little more.”
“But how am I supposed to get a guy to want to talk to me? I don’t want to be annoying or something and come off as a freak show.”
“Just be confident and make the first move. I know you know how to read people and if he doesn’t seem into it then leave it alone for a while.” Camilla paused to grab another handful of chips. “You know this would be a lot easier if you just told me who you like. Then we can talk about a real person instead of some weird hypothetical situation with too many variables.”
This is killing me. I want to tell her, I do. But I can’t. “Yeah Camilla I do like someone. Micah. I have for a really long time.” She would kill me.
“Let’s just drop it. It doesn’t matter. If I like someone, I’ll tell you and we can go from there.” I avoided her eyes. I hate lying to her.
“It does matter, but fine. Are you ready to start the movie?”
“Yeah, sure.”
I'm getting rambly, aren't I? 
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