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Young Writers Society


Then Came the Fall. Chapter 3.



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Mon Aug 29, 2011 10:20 pm
IsItLove says...



As I breathed tightly in, I reopened my eyes, bracing myself for the day I was about to experience. I picked up my school bag and walked out the door; the harsh wind hit me with tremendous force, unsettling my carefully composed expression.
I hurriedly threw my hair back, striding out the door. I tried desperately to clear my head of all thoughts, but they still haunted me: visions of their final moments, screams, cries and death.
I arrived at school half an hour early; I was so desperate to get out of the house. I couldn't bear to be with them: the constant criticism, the strict rules and the list goes on and on. How is any girl meant to cope, especially one who has lost her whole...family?
As the cars started to slowly dribble into the car park, so did the looks; each one slightly different from the previous, but each so pittying. It felt like I was sinking into the earth. I heard a familiar voice; unable to identify it I slowly turned my head. My eyes unnoticeably, to me, had filled with tears. I saw who it was: my head of achievement, Mrs. Perchard.
She carefully weaved her way through the crowd, me tailing just behind. As we finally reached her office, she led me to the sofa, and offered me a seat. I cautiously sat down, embracing the surroundings.
"Maria?" The soft words snapped me from my trance. I turned all of a sudden and saw the caring look: It was a look my mother used to wear.
A tear ran down my cheek and I quickly brushed it away; a reoccuring experiance.
"Oh darling, are you ok? I am so sorry. Is there anything I can do?" The words evoked memories, each one bringing a smile. But the happiness was short lived.
"No, Miss. Nothing you can do." The words drifted out. I wished she could save me from them though.
The tears continued to flow. I realised this was the very first time I had let my emotions freely flow without hindrance.
I felt the warm arms wrap around me, I opened my eyes to check, just to check it wasn't my mum. The disappointment stung, but the embrace, thankfully, diluted it.
I sat there for what felt like hours, while I breathed deeply in. I felt the oxygen fill my lungs. The breath of life.
"Honey, do you want to talk about it? It may not feel like it but it does help." Mrs. Perchard offered.
"It's so un-unfair." I stuttered as tears began to dribble down my cheek, once again. "Why them? They were good people. And Faith, she was only a baby and now, dead; she had barely lived." I burst back into tears. I felt Mrs. Perchard's arm cradling me.
"It is terribly unfair. The saying, 'All good things must come to an end' just doesn't seem to be a fair rule."

Sarah Perchard thought to herself. 'The injustice of Maria's situation was intolerable and yet she knew that Maria had no choice but to tolerate it. No words offered the comfort that this young girl deserved. Sarah was consumed with guilt. Maria had lost everything and helpless. She made a silent promise to herself; she would protect this vulnerable child.'
Suddenly, I heard the bell's ring blast through the room.
"Maria, you are welcome to stay here with me, but how do you feel about going to maths?"
I pondered the decision.
"Yes, I... I think I should." I finally said. Honestly I knew I should go, I had to at some point and maths really did need my attention, after all I had no one to help me now.
"Okay then, let's go." The kind attitude shocked me a little; I had only experienced her in a learning environment.
We set off towards the village, a small stack of temporary buildings, built to accommodate the ever growing school where my maths lesson was situated.
As we walked into the room there was a deathly silence. All heads turned to me, their curious eyes ripping at my soul. I regained composure, took a deep breath and walked over to my seat. I looked over to see Mrs. Perchard walk out and take a glance over at me; a quick smile and then she was gone.
The day washed away with a blur and all of a sudden it was time for me to brave my way to my new home.
Last edited by IsItLove on Mon Sep 12, 2011 4:29 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Passion for writing make all the difference; it turns a good novel into a great one.
  





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Tue Aug 30, 2011 1:43 am
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NeoFacist14 says...



WOW! This is really good. The imagery is amazing...and I could easily picture the characters. And the way you wrote the emotions! YOU SIR, ARE A GENIUS. I WILL BE STALKING THIS
  





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Sat Sep 10, 2011 8:42 am
Aquareed says...



Wow. I really liked the way you can identify with the main character in this, she seems very....human. The only nitpicks I found were these:
As the cars started to slowly dribble into the car park, so did the looks

I'm not really sure what this means. Are people looking at her strangely? Do they all have a different look as in clothes?I think I get what you're trying to say, it's just not very clear in this sentence.

My eyes unnoticeably, to me, had filled with tears.

This sentence is a bit clumsy. Maybe: I hadn't noticed that my eyes had filled with tears. Or something along those lines.

Yes, I... I think I should." I gushed out.

The verb gushed sounds odd here because its usually used to describe someone happy and enthusiastic.

Aside from those, I think this was fantastic :)
  





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Mon Sep 12, 2011 4:21 pm
IsItLove says...



Thank-you so much I really appreciate it. I found all your comments really helpful. :D
Passion for writing make all the difference; it turns a good novel into a great one.
  








You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension: a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You’re moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You’ve just crossed over into… the Twilight Zone.
— Rod Serling