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In a different frame of mind(3)



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Fri Sep 23, 2011 11:35 am
AlextotheAndra says...



Chapter three
First to reach the lab behind Mr Telling, Oscar opened the door and walked in calmly. Looking around the room and pretending that he hadn’t seen everything before, he analysed the space. The far wall held the row of benches they used for experiments, the taps dripping unevenly every few seconds. He walked to wards one of the sets of desks, placed appropriately in the middle of the room. Selecting his regular seat, second row-far right, he sat placing his books on the scratched laminated tabletop. From this place, he was close enough to the front to appear interested, yet not overly close so as to have the jerk types in the class on his back about his ability to answer questions correctly.

It had taken him two weeks to select this spot, moving around each day from the beginning of term, weighing up the pros and cons of every seat selection. Oscar knew that by this point in his school life he should have gotten over caring about what his peers thought of him, but he just could not do it. Every time he would put his hand up, he always checked around the room for anyone who would make a snide remark about his answer, before handing up his assignments, he would always check the wording to see if it would be appropriate for both the teacher, and any students that Mr telling would show it too. Simply put, one could say that Oscar Anders over thought everything.

While he was in the process of over thinking, the room began to fill up, and after taking the roll Mr Telling began to lecture them on the reproduction and transmission cycle of Filarial Worms. Zoning out a little, excitement beginning to well in his stomach, Oscar had to remind himself that he had hours to go and that he might as well spend it learning. If this all went to plan, which as he continually relayed all of the possible outcomes in his head, he believed it would than learning may not be his main priority soon. Considering this, he looked back up at the tubby, moustached man writing with a squeaky marker on the white board. Taking down the notes in his messy, barely legible scrawl he listened to the whispers of his classmates. Two of the girls sitting behind him were talking about a party they were heading off to that Friday,
“Suze, what if I wear the fishnets?”
“Under the black or red?”
“Black”
“Go for it!”
Finding this conversation of little importance to him, or to anyone else really, he continued listening in around him, like a truck driver with an 8 hour haul ahead of him flipping from station to station. Five minutes of uninteresting chatter and one muttered argument later, he concluded that of the entire class, he was the only intelligent being and that included ol’tubbster at the front.

By the time all the notes had been copied down and the homework of completing the diagram of transmission assigned, class was dismissed. Picking up his books, and clumsily standing from his chair, knocking it backwards in the process, Oscar left the room with a hushed thank you to the teacher and a backwards glance around the lab.
Returning to his locker, finding himself annoyed at its untied state although he was completely to blame. If he was honest with himself, he would accept the untidiness and spend the fifteen minutes of break time reordering his books and sifting through the pile of sheets and notes for relevant pieces of paper disposing of the rest but why on earth would he waste his time with that? Instead he closed the door, having enough patience to put back on the lock and headed out into the courtyard to his regular table. With little more than an apple and some crackers to eat, he sat down across from the lovebirds. Oscar chattered pointlessly about bands Lil while Reg winded strands of her black hair around his index finger.


To most outsiders, Oscar appeared to be a constant third wheel to Lil’s relationships, the general consensus being that he liked her but couldn’t pluck up the courage to ask her out. Although he did occasionally find these kinds of romantic gestures annoying, it was little to do with Lil boyfriends and more the fact that she could have one with her all the time. The only time Oscar had ever had any kind of romantic thought when it came to Lil was when she curled her then long hair for the year 8 social. In the dull lights of the hall, under the shimmer of a half decapitated disco ball, he could almost imagine that instead of being black, her hair was a glistening auburn.

As soon as they began to slow dance, Lil then being between boyfriends and their relationship close enough that it was acceptable without any awkwardness, the novelty wore off. Lilly was far to shore, her eyes to aware and her smile, though amazing, not quite as mysterious and precious as Torahs. Later that week Oscar had told this to Lil, receiving a consoling hug and understanding nods as he poured out his hopes and dreams of love onto her tiny shoulders. Ever since that day, she had been a continual player in the plot they like to call GTO or Get Torah Out and although the two girls had never met, their importance in Oscars lives made them friends by default.

As the hours slowly trickled by, the tick of each and every second burning his mind into a continual fire of boredom, the time finally came for final period. Oscars one class with Lil had arrived, and so together they walked, gangly teen with wind ravaged hair side by side with the small capsule of utter calm, sleek bob untouched, into room 201. It was time for English with the infamous Ms. Carol.
“Everything you look at can become a fairy tale and you can get a story from everything you touch.” Hans Christian Andresen
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Fri Sep 23, 2011 7:06 pm
Noelle says...



Hi there!

I like this chapter because it gives me some more information about Oscar. Now I feel like I know so much about him and I can understand the rest of the story that way. There isn't much action going on in this chapter, but you kept it exciting by adding in the conversations that Oscar was eaves dropping on. If you had simply said he tuned into the other conversations, it wouldn't be all that exciting.

Your description of Lil and Oscar's relationship is great. It's only a few paragraphs, but you got the point across. It's cool how you told a story in order to describe their relationship. You really gave us some good background information that help's us understand how Oscar feels about Lil.

Looking around the room and pretending that he hadn’t seen everything before, he analysed the space.

I really like this part. It's nice to change it up a bit instead of simply describing the room.

Every time he would put his hand up, he always checked around the room for anyone who would make a snide remark about his answer insert semi-colon here before handing up his assignments, he would always check the wording to see if it would be appropriate for both the teacher, and any students that Mr telling would show it too.

This is a run-on sentence. I mentioned in bold the places where there should be a semi-colon.

Picking up his books, and clumsily standing from his chair, knocking it backwards in the process, Oscar left the room with a hushed thank you to the teacher and a backwards glance around the lab

I feel like there's too much information in this sentence. Maybe you should cut it down and simply describe him getting up, knocking over his chair, and leaving the room. Just a suggestion.

Overall this is a good chapter. I can't wait to read some more! Keep writing!
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

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Sun Sep 25, 2011 12:18 am
tgirly says...



Towards is one word, you have it as to wards. There were a few other grammar/spelling errors, but they all could be easily fixed by a quick once-over. Oscar kind of reminds me of my sister, who also over thinks things. This is good, because every one probably has an Oscar in their lives. Congratulations, you've made your character relatable. Another relatable thing about Oscar is we've all had friends who we've never/rarely have thought about in a romantic light, yet others expect that we have a crush on said friend when we don't, which is annoying. Both things are not things authors normally write about their characters, making Oscar stand out from the crowd of MCs. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is you've given Oscar a great personality. Good job, keep it up. After giving him such a unique and obvious personality, the hard part will be sticking with it and not getting out of character. I think you can do it, but you'll have to think about it. I shall now go and read your first chapter and find out who this Torah is.
Hope this helps,
-tgirly
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Sun Sep 25, 2011 12:44 am
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Audy says...



Alex,

I have to say muuch better in this chapter. I also did a quick reading on the second chapter - Lil seems interesting as well. Since I'm reviewing this chapter, there were places that were a bit shaky, certainly, but at least it wasn't as jarring as it was in the first chapter. I'm still having trouble trying to read through all of these descriptions, but at least we get more insight for Oscar's character. He thinks he's intelligent - I actually liked that part in the piece, it shows a bit of his arrogance there. To me he seems to be very observant, I haven't seen evidence to his intelligence yet, but I suppose that's to come, right? x)

Anyway, here's some more advice on the writing itself.

First to reach the lab behind Mr Telling, Oscar opened the door and walked in calmly.


Oscar opened the door and walked in calmly; he was first to reach the lab right behind Mr. Telling.

Looking around the room and pretending that he hadn’t seen everything before, he analysed the space.


He analysed the space, looking around the room and pretending he hadn't seen everything before. (Here, everything can be changed to "it all" ...sound better?)

In the two sentences above, I simply rearranged your sentences. Tell me, which one sounds better? Which one sounds clearer? By starting the sentence with the subject+verb (Oscar opened....He analysed) the most important aspect of the sentence is brought to the front. Not only is it the most important aspect - it is also the "action" part of the sentence. Everything else that follows that is just information. Plain ol' boring information should not be placed at the front of a sentence.

Now, this sentence:

Selecting his regular seat, second row-far right, he sat placing his books on the scratched laminated tabletop.


Is perfectly fine this way. Why? Well, if you try to re-arrange it "He sat placing his books on the scratched laminated tabletop, it was his regular seat." Well- the fact of him sitting down, while it is the action- it's not very interesting. What is interesting is the first part. He selected his regular seat. I mean...when you think about it - this is all very cut and dry - but at least it's the most interesting part of that particular sentence. ;)

Another thing to think about for you, Alex!

Keep writing!

~ As always Audy
  








The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names.
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