Young Writers Society

On a cloudy Sunday evening, Audrey felt lonely and homesick; being back in the countryside was not as much fun as she had expected. She missed playing with Pitts, her puppy. She missed having Sunday lunch with her best friend 'tola', She wanted to be home right now. She could walk naked in her cozy apartment and not have to worry about roommates and about getting up early for lectures. She would stay in bed, have breakfast and read a couple of choice magazines and then go back to bed..."you wish", she said to herself, truly she could really use a wish right now.
She picked up her phone, and decided to call her best friend, after hours of talking and catching up. She scrolled again on her phone contact list and stopped on a contact, a name, she had not spoken of or dialed in a long while. It was Sammy, her high school crush and also an ex-boyfriend. She dialed and listened as it rang at the other end.
"Hello, Good evening, this is Audrey, please am I speaking with Sammy". Audrey's heart raced. She had not heard his voice in a long while.
The voice on the other end answered," yes, this is Sammy".
Audrey, glad to hear his voice after so many years exhaled deeply and was she so excited to hear his voice.
"Hi Sammy, how's Rik, I hear he's now in Italy, I saw him at home when I last visited, he didn't have your contact number so I asked Jude and-', she sounded excited, the person on the other end seemed lost.
"He-hello?", she wanted to be sure she was still connected to him.
"Excuse me, the voice said, I don't know these dudes, Rik or Jude, your talking about, I'm sorry, maybe you dialed the wrong number"
"oh, she said, feeling a bit embarrassed, I'm sorry too, I thought you were Sammy"
"Yes, I am Samuel Adams and I used to know a girl named Audrey Macaulay, actually I thought you were she"
"No, I'm not, my name is Audrey Simmons."
He seemed to like her accent, the rhythmic way she sounded on phone, she sounded more like his ex-girlfriend, the Audrey he knew.
Audrey was wondering how she got his number, when she suddenly remembered; months ago when she was in the city with her dad on vacation, she had gotten bored with sightseeing and watching TV, so she took to reading the papers, an old hobby which she got from her father, a particular column in the papers caught her eye that day, 'the strictly fe-mail column", There was always an ad for single men and ladies looking for partners, and lonely friends looking for their long lost friends. A particular name interested her, "Samuel Adams", she read his info, and quickly stored his number on her mobile phone, she remembered sending him a message and promising to call later, but that was a long time ago, somehow she had lost contact with him.
Coming back to reality, she said," Did you at any time put up an ad in the papers for a pen pal or something, I think I know how I got this number"
"Yees, I think I did sometime ago, I got a reply message from someone promising to call back, I never did get that call"..."are you...?", he let the words hang.
"You got that right, I sent you the message"
"Wow, such a long long time it took for you to call back"
"I'm so sorry, and I'm pleased to meet you again"
"No, the pleasure is all mine, so let's see, I like your voice, it's beautiful, but I bet your face is even more beautiful...when do I get to meet you?"
She smiled and said, " I would so much like for that to happen but unfortunately, my home is in Naths, I'm out of town right now, I'm attending a foundation school in Okhle, I'll be through in December"
She could hear his disappointment when he sighed and said, " Alright then, I live in Naths too, I think I can wait till then"
"Nice to meet you, Audrey said
"yeah, me too, goodnight, sweet voice", he said and finally hung up.
'OK, that didn't turn out bad at all', she stretched on her bed and soon drifted to sleep, It was the only escape from her loneliness now.

At eighteen years, Samuel Adams, was young, single and by inheritance, very rich. His single status, he claimed was by happenstance and, so far, sheer bad luck.
He had wanted to get married in five years time, but hadn't found the right woman yet. Sammy was a gentleman and a man of elegance and distinction to his very soul. He was attentive, kind , generous, charming and strikingly handsome; with brown eyes, a tall slim body and a gorgeous smile, he looked more like a movie star. His manners were impeccable and women loved him.
He had been involved in a relationship thrice in his younger days, although not recently and each time, something had happened to cause the relationship to be called off and much to his chagrin and deep regret.
His first girlfriend had slept with his best friend, he had found out and of course he called off the relationship. a year later, he was sure to have found the one, she was a fantastic girl and they had everything in common. They dated for six months and nothing else could be more certain. Until Sammy realized his girlfriend was inseparable from her twin sister, and expected to take her everywhere with them. He and the twin sister had taken an instant dislike to each other which had turned into heated debates and endless arguments each time they met.
He had no choice again but to break up with her.
Then there was Audrey Macaulay, they had gotten along well together until the news came that her parents were divorcing and she had to relocate out of the country with her mom. They managed to keep the relationship for the first few months but the distance was killing. They loved each other but they decided it would be best if they separated. He had loved her deeply. And even till now, he had never really gotten over her.
Five years had passed since then and he was still searching. His friend, Barry Weiss, kept telling him to give up his search for the ideal woman and get real, "I mean we're in the 20th century, Ideal women are extinct, choose any one of these free booties, I assure you with the kind of money you have, she'll be everything more than ideal", he would say. But Sammy knew exactly what he wanted. A well-born, well bred, well educated, intelligent woman who would share the same ideals and values as him. He knew the right woman was out there somewhere, he just hasn't found her yet.

After reading the chapter I noticed a few errors that I'll point out.

being back in the countryside was not so much fun as she had expected.

The sentence may sound smoother if you change "so much fun" to as much fun.

She wanted to be home, in the city where she could walk naked in her cozy apartment and not have to worry about getting up early for lectures, she would indulge, stay in bed, have breakfast and read a couple of choice magazines and then go back to bed..."you wish", she said to herself, truly she could really use a wish right now.

This seems a little long to me, Perhaps split it up a little? For example, a full stop after "getting up early for lectures". Then begin your your next line with, "Where she would indulge, stay in bed...". It might help the flow a little.

"Yees, I think I did sometime ago, I got a reply message from someone promising to call back, I never did get that call...are you...he let the words hang.

There should be closing speach marks around "are you..." as well as a question mark after the ellipsis (...).

"Nice to meet you, Audrey said

Same here, closing speach marks after "you" and a full stop instead of comma as it's the end of a sentence.

He had been involved in a relationship twice in his younger days

You said he had two previous relationships, but then went on to mention three different girls. Simple number error? Or am I reading it wrong D:


All in all, there are a few minor things that could be tweaked for improvement but the story seems promising. You've already introduced your main characters, put a setting and added some background to everything. Hope I've been somewhat helpful to you, keep up the work on it, I'm looking forward to reading on.

I absolutely love the title, Crossroads, a perfect name for a romantic novel. I really enjoyed you're writing too but you need to really look through and re-read things before you publish them online because the grammatical errors are so simple that you notice them straight away. It's bad when you are enjoying the story but you can't read it properly because there are a couple of really bad mistakes! but apart from that it was good, I enjoyed it.
Love,
Evenslily x

Hello dolwright,

First chapter was...intriguing. Intriguing because of how it was set up? Or because of its inconsistencies? Not sure.

On a side note, it just so happens my name is Audrey, so I'ma have to say: wonderful choice of name for a female protag That being said, I would've loved to know more about each character. I know it's the first chapter and there's only so much you can do, but I felt no connection to the characters in this piece. Most of the descriptions about them was point-blank told.

It was a cloudy Sunday evening, Audrey felt lonely, being back in the countryside was not so much fun as she had expected.

"A cloudy Sunday evening" on its own is incomplete - especially if you want to start the first sentence to your novel with it - you'd want to say "On a cloudy Sunday evening....(this happens) or "It was a cloudy Sunday evening when..." your choice.

I also agree with the reviewer above me, it should read "...was not as much fun..."

Another thing I'd like to point out, I'm sure you've heard of the phrase "Show, don't tell." It follows the principle that showing us things will make it a lot more interesting to read, and it would allow for the characters/story to speak for itself, instead of having the author tell us directly.

"Audrey felt lonely" could've easily been a description of the vastness & emptiness of the room (maybe it was dark? eerily quiet?). Maybe Audrey is checking her phone and finds no new messages. Maybe she's lying in bed with nothing to do - so many things could describe loneliness.

I can sort of see where you're going by having the next lines compare the city and the countryside - but it doesn't make much sense to me. Isn't she alone in a room by herself right now? What's stopping her from getting naked here, then? It seems that you start the story with "Audrey was lonely" and then describe how she wanted to be home, indulging, reading, and in bed ALONE? All of these are activities she does alone and she describes these activities as things that make the city fun - but she can do all of those things in the countryside. She does all of those things alone too, so how would any of those activities contrast with loneliness? Is it loneliness that you're describing here, or is it homesickness?

Ok, so the next part is just confusing for me. Here you have Audrey Simmons - she had a past boyfriend by the name of Samuel. Then, you have Samuel Adams - he had a past girlfriend by the name of Audrey Macaulay. Is this some huge coincidence? (An unlikely one at that - because it also seems that they have the same hometown? AND she /sounds/ like his ex?) Or are they each others' exes?

From what you have in the story, it seems as though you're trying to write it as a huge, unlikely coincidence. But from what I've read of the spoiler and the novel summaries, it seems they are each others' exes. Then, we need to fix the spots where you say otherwise in the story. For example,

"Excuse me, the voice said, I don't know these dudes, Rik or Jude, your talking about, I'm sorry, maybe you dialed the wrong number"

If this Sammy is really the same person, then he would know all these people she's mentioning right? Why else would she mention people he doesn't know.

"Yes, I am Samuel Adams and I used to know a girl named Audrey Macaulay, actually I thought you were she"
"No, I'm not, my name is Audrey Simmons."

Okay, if these guys dated each other in the past, they would know each others' last names. He states his last name - and unless he got his changed without her knowing, she should've recognized and confirmed that this is the guy she was once dating. For her to say that she is "not Macaulay" not "Simmons" - I understand later on, that her parents got divorced. This would explain the name-change. But if she's the same person he's talking about, then she wouldn't have denied her existence. She would explain the name change. She's still the same person with a different name, after all. But in this exchange it seems like she's never heard of Macaulay.

The part about her finding his contact number from a newspaper seems unlikely as well. If they dated once, and if it was for the length of time that Sammy said, then they would have each others' numbers and they wouldn't need a newspaper. And why would some rich guy with this huge inheritance and apparently "well brought up" family background put his "single guy" ad on the newspaper?

By doing that, he'd only be attracting the wrong kind of people - people would be recognizing his name, and they'd only want to date him for his money/inheritance.

Really rich, prominent families like the one you are describing will have large connections. If he really needed a girlfriend - I'm sure the family would know plenty of business associates with daughters his age that will be a much better match and they'd be the exact kind of girl that he's trying to look for - as later described.

Also agree with the reviewer above about the three girls being mentioned - yet he only dated two?

There seems to be a lot of inconsistencies with this. Patch it up, and also be sure to proofread for grammar! There were a lot of grammar errors I didn't point out because I felt the content's inconsistencies were far more jarring. Please work on this!

~ As always Audy