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Don't Speak: Chapter One



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Thu Oct 13, 2011 12:07 am
WelcomingException says...



Spoiler! :
Prologue

You know that moment. The moment everything in life changes for you. Maybe you start a new sport, maybe you join a new club, or maybe you hang out with some new friends; but most of the time, it is when you meet that person. The person that you will always remember time as before you meet them and after. This is my story of the man that changed my life, the man that defines me. The man I will always and forever love.


Chapter One


My feet couldn’t carry me fast enough through the Brady High hallway and down the left stairs. My feet burned from the pressure of tramping down them and it shook and quivered from the weight of us; both of us. I could hear his footsteps racing down after me, and I screamed with terror as I felt my backpack be torn off my shoulders and as my arms flung back. I could feel his fingers trying to grip mine. I whipped my arms forward and jumped off the last few stairs. I heard a curse from his mouth and a loud crunch against a hard object, as if it were his first to the wall.

I sprinted into the band room and hid under the teacher’s podium. Tears built up in my eyes as I heard the door open and shut behind Damien. Please, I prayed. Don’t let him find me.

It’s not that I was praying to any specific god maybe that was part of the problem. I was never a religious person, my father hated religion and said it just created wars; he was always a very smart person, when he was in school he was a straight A student; but sometimes, things happen. Know he was a drunk, but he was always very smart. Well… in most things.

I sat under the podium, listening to his deep breath staggering in and out as he trotted around the band room. Music stands crashed to the floor and I heard him flipping chairs and punching metal instruments. An overwhelming odor filled my nose. Ugh, his cologne.

I was scared. I was scared of everything in this world. My father, my peers. Him. What scared me most was that he had me alone right now. I was alone with him. I shifted in closer to the back of the podium and curled up in as small as a ball as possible. A sharp pain entered my neck, and I felt the splinter cracking gently against my skin. I heard him walk by the podium and all became silent, he laughed deeply. A deep chill ran down my spine.

“You think you can hide from me?” he whispered. Damien rammed into the podium and tipped it over, exposing me to him. I cried out as he pulled me up and over his shoulder. His hands held my waist possessively and his fingers dug into my hips. He took me into the teacher’s empty office as I screamed for help and tried to escape his grasp. I knew help wouldn’t come, but it gave me hope every time I tried. I quickly surrendered and stopped struggling as I let my tears flow out, I knew this moment would come and I knew it was no use struggling. In the end, the outcome would be worse.

Damien lay me down on the desk and tried to kiss me on the forehead, but I quickly turned my head leaving him kissing the thin air. My cheek lay against the hard metal desk; it was like ice on my warm skin. Damien’s hands wrapped around and in my light brown waves forcing my face towards him, he moved his face inches from mine. His breath was hot and wet, soiling my light skin. He moved quickly and kissed my lips softly. I bellowed out a small cry. Damien smiled and kissed me again, this time it was more possessive, deeper, and scarier.

No matter how hard all this was for me to deal with. The only thing I notice as he un-did my sweater was the ceiling. The tiles were a creamy colour with little black dots all over them. They looked like they were made of think hardened foam and easily removable. Why did I stare at the ceiling? Maybe it was easier than having to stare at him, easier than having to watch his hands move rapidly at the black threaded buttons.

Tears swelled up in the back of my eyes. I couldn’t bare this anymore. The class bell rang and Damien looked at me softly and gave a relishing frown, slowly letting me go. I scrambled of the desk and into a corner of the room; paper flew through the air after being launched off the desk. He walked over to me gaily and smiled.

“Fine dear, I’ll let you go this once,” he said softly. “But it won’t happen again.” He left me there as I let my tears fall, then quickly and quietly went to class before being caught down there alone.


Mr. Bull took my late slip as I slipped in the class room. He glared at me as though I had committed a murder. I looked over at Damien, who was staring at me with complete satisfaction. I looked for a seat and noticed the last one was a few seats behind Damien’s. I swallowed slowly and hurried past him, but not fast enough I guess. I felt a fast hand smacking my ass; I stopped and closed my eyes. The class laughed and I started to the desk again, there was no way to escape this torture.

I took my seat, and just then noticed a boy at the front of the class, staring at Damien as if he would kill him. I wish he would, it would make my life a hell lot easier! The new kid was tall, probably about 6.3, with dark brunette locks that were straight and long enough to touch the tip of his nose. He had skin like the inside of an almond, very pale, as if he lived in a cave. He was obviously very fit from the tightness of his grey shirt. One thing that really separated him from the rest of us in town was his was his snake bite piercings. Two thin silver rods that curled gently over his lips on each side of his mouth.

“Ok, this is Daniel; he is new here, make him feel welcome.” Mr. Bull hated new kids, he knew there was no hope for them here. “Take a seat behind Elizabeth.” The new kid, Daniel, looked at me. I cowered under his gaze. He walked over to his desk, his whole body thundered as he walked by. It was if I could feel his weight being urged forward, like a slave by his master, his body being the slave and his mind, the master. His muscular body was warm as he brushed my shoulder. I shrunk back from the connection. He stopped to stare at me and I looked down to avoid eye contacted. He walked by and took his seat.

I wanted to look back, I wanted to smile, to show him he could at least have one friend here, but I was scared. I didn’t know this guy; I didn’t know anything about him, what if he was like Damien, or worse…
Last edited by WelcomingException on Thu Dec 08, 2011 4:26 am, edited 2 times in total.
What a Welcoming Exception *
  





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Gender: Female
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Thu Oct 13, 2011 12:41 am
briggsy1996 says...



Hi there,
For starters, I really liked this and because romance stories are my favourite genre, I will be keeping tabs on this story. I think that you could really go somewhere with this, in that gripping-the-edge-of-your-seat kind of way. I knew that I personally couldn't read this fast enough.
The only part that made me go, 'wait, what?' was in this section:

I couldn’t bare this anymore. Maybe death was the answer.

-I understand that she's really terrified and all, but this seems a little... I don't know, forward, for a first chapter. If you're going to mention her contemplating death, you'll want to make sure she elaborates. If that makes sense...
That's just my opinion; no need to listen.

Anyway, I thought that it was well written overall. Spelling and grammar appears to be in check.
Once again I really like where this is going and I look forward to reading more!
Happy Writing :)
-Briggsy
but the sky is love and i am for you
just so long and long enough
-E.E. Cummings
  





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Thu Oct 13, 2011 12:43 am
Disenchanted says...



Wow. This is really good. I feel really bad for the girl/narrator- whomever's point of view this is in. It seems she's in one of those tight spots when no where is a safe haven away from the life she already has. I mean, she has a drunkard for a father and a sex-craving 'boyfriend'? How could life get any worse? The beginning was excellent, I pictured myself in her shoes. The feeling of being chased, hiding... It's just... wow. Great job! I can't wait to see what happens next! ;D
"Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light."
"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay... It's not the end."
  





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Thu Oct 13, 2011 4:19 am
confetti says...



My feet couldn’t carry me fastest fast enough through the Brady High hallway and down the left stairs

The left stairs? Unimportant detail. No one cares if it was the left or the right in this scenario, also, how can stairs be left and right?
I could hear his (you refer to the guy as Damien below, so I would start that here. Usually calling a character "he" would mean that you don't know his name or it's being used for effect. You don't use it for either of those reasons here) footsteps tramping down after me, and I screamed with terror as I felt my backpack be torn off my shoulders. Once I got to the bottom of the stairs, I ran into the band room and hid under the teacher’s podium. Tears ran down my face as I heard the door open and shut behind Damien. Please, I prayed. Don’t let him find me.

It’s not that I was praying to any specific god(comma) maybe that was part of the problem. What an odd thing to thinkI was never a religious person, my father hated religion and said it just created wars; he was always a very smart person. not amazing description, it sounds almost childish. Maybe he was strongly opinionated, but his views on religion don't make him seem incredibly smart to me He was a drunk, but he was always very smart. Well… in some things. My dear, you say that he's ALWAYS VERY smart, but then you go and say "in some things". You've definitely just gone and contradicted yourself.

I sat under the podium, hearing listening to his deep breath staggering in and out as he trotted around the band room. Music stands crashed to the floor and I heard him as he flipping flipped chairs and punched metal interments instruments. My mind built up with what he may do to me. Awkward phrasing I knew what he wanted. What scared me more most was the fact that he had me alone right now. I was alone with him. I shifted in closer to the back of the podium and curled up in as small as a ball as possible. I heard him walk by the podium and all became silent, he laughed deeply. A chill ran down my spine.

“You think you can hide from me?” he whispered,(period) Damien rammed into the podium and it tipped over(comma) exposing me to him. I cried out as he pulled me up and over his shoulder. His hands held my waist possessively,(replace the comma with "and") his fingers dug into my hips. He took me into the teacher’s empty office as I screamed for help and tried to escape his grasp. I knew help wouldn’t come, but it gave me hope every time I tried. More contradicting. You know help won't come, but it gives you hope to scream? No, no. Pick on or the other, either you don't think help will come, or you have faith I quickly surrendered and stopped struggling as I let my tears flow out, I knew this moment would come and I knew it was no use struggling(period) in the end(comma) the outcome would be worse.

Damien lay me down on the desk and tried to kiss me on the forehead, but I quickly turned my head leaving him kissing the thin air. My cheek lay against the hard wooden desk. Damien’s hands wrapped around and in my hair forcing my face towards him, he moved his face inches from mine. His breath was hot and wet, soiling my eye lashes. He moved quickly and kissed my lips softly. A soft kiss doesn't seem to go with his character, I would think that he would be rough about it, but I could be wrong! He isn't my character I bellowed out a small cry. Damien smiled and kissed me again, this time it was more possessive, deeper, scarier.

Tears swelled up in the back of my eyes. I couldn’t bare this anymore. Maybe death was the answer. The class bell rang and Damien looked at me softly and gave a relishing frown(comma) slowly letting me go. I scrabbled Hahaha, did you mean "scrambled"? I don't remember them having a game of Scrabble of the desk and into a corner of the room; paper flew through the air after being launched of the desk by me. Awkward sentence He walked over to me gaily and smiled.

“Fine dear, I’ll let you go this once(comma)he said softly. “But it won’t happen again(period)Just like any other writing, dialogue needs punctuation! He left me there as I finally let my tears fall, What do you mean "finally"? She's practically been crying the entire time then quickly and quietly went to class before being caught down there alone.
This entire scene struck me as odd. If this is happening during school, how did teachers not hear her screams, and why is the band room empty? And who in the hell is Damien? You made him seem like a rapist/murderer, but now he seems to be more of an ex boyfriend. I feel like you made the moment a little more intense than it should have been.


Mr. Bull took my late slip as I slipped in the class room. He glared at me as though I had committed a murder. I looked over at Damien(comma) who was staring at me with complete satisfaction;(period instead) I looked for a seat and noticed the last one was a few seats behind Damien’s. I swallowed slowly and hurried past him(comma) but not fast enough I guess. I felt a fast hand hitting my ass; I stopped and closed my eyes. The class laughed and I started to the desk again, there was no way to escape this torture.

I took my seat, and just then noticed a boy at the front of the class, staring at Damien as if he would kill him. I wish he would, it would make my life a hell lot easier! It seemed, I either had to leave this town(comma) or one of us would have to die before I escaped Damien. The only possible way was me dying, well… at least that was most likely. No more running home,(no comma) and hiding there all night, abandoning any friends that ever tried to get close to me.(comma) Only to find my drunken father pushing me back out. This is another moment when the comment about her dad being 'very smart' seems 'very dumb'. He does nothing to show that he's an intelligent man.

My father was a very smart man, Oh look, there it is again but didn’t ever listen to me, and never noticed anything that happened to me. As long as he had a full mug of beer and I was out of the house(comma) he was happy. My father would push me out of the house. Damien always waiting there to take me where ever the hell he wanted, and do whatever the hell he wanted with me. Don’t get me wrong, I am still a virgin; he tells me he is saving me for our wedding night, once we are eighteen. One more year. Grimy... But in all honesty, this story is a tad confusing right now. She expects to marry the brute?

“Ok, this is Brandon; he is new here, make him feel welcome(period)” Mr. Bull hated new kids, he knew there was no hope for them here,(period) “Take a seat behind Elizabeth(period)Also, you should give some sort of notion somewhere to let your readers know who's speaking The new kid, Brandon(comma) looked at me,(either period, or change the comma to "and") I cowered under his gaze. He walked over to his desk, his whole body thundered as he walked by. It was if I could feel his weight,(no comma) as he walked by. His large stalky body was warm as he brushed my shoulder. Wasn't he at the front of the class earlier? Or was that a different boy? I'm a bit lost I shrunk back from the connection. He stopped at to stare at me,("and" instead of the comma) I looked down to avoid eye contacted. He walked by and took his seat. The sequence of events doesn't really make sense. Not only does he walk by her before he stops to stare (so how would she know?), but shouldn't he be at the front of the class?

I wanted to look back, I wanted to smile.(comma instead) to show him he could at least have one friend here, but I was scared. I didn’t know this guy; I didn’t know anything about him, what if he was like Damien, or worse…
This could be personal preference, but I really hate when stories end with "..." It really adds no anticipation whatsoever.

Anyways. The story line seemed a bit wonky, not all of it really added up. The grammar and writing could definitely be improved. I hope I was of some help! Caio
"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads."
— Dr. Seuss
  





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Mon Oct 17, 2011 1:04 am
wtbh says...



Wow, this is a very well written story. Can't wait to read more. You were very detailed and I would say something about a quote, but I don't know how to like everyone else. :) I love romantic novels, and I feel like this would be a very good one to read. I can definatly see myself reading this one day. This has some major potential. :)
  





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Sun Oct 23, 2011 3:06 am
Danny17 says...



I must say that this romantic novel is one I could be reading and read it all over again. A really big thumbs up, loved how it started and i'm looking forward to reading the rest of it.

And again awesome work.

May you write with joy.
Every person has a three lives: A social life, a private life and a secret life ;) ... I love my three lives.
  








One is not born, but rather becomes a woman.
— Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex