Young Writers Society

Ever think you're about to have one of the best days ever? You wake up early from a good sleep, the sun is shining, you go downstairs and find that it's a Thursday (the weekend is only one more day away!) AND you get your favorite oatmeal(shut up, its really good you jerks). Well that was how my morning started. Everything seemed perfect. I swear it was like a dream, and I even pinched myself to make sure it wasn't one. Since I didn't wake up even after I bonked my head on the counter, just to make sure I wasn't dreaming, it was all real. **** YES! I almost even managed to smile, which both freaked out my sister and made her absolutely delighted to see me smiling. Yes, I can smile! I just don't do it often like some people I know…humph. My good mood lasted all of the morning, each class I went to just made my day better. We had an idiotic substitute in Literature class, so everyone got to do pretty much whatever the heck they wanted to do; in History class we watched a movie, so I got an early nap; Art was easy like always, heck I might not be as good as SOMEONE I KNOW but I was a lot better than half those idiots there; in P.E. class we got to go running, and since I happen to be on the track team I had absolutely no problem with that. So by the time lunch came around I was ecstatic. Could it actually be possible I was going to have a good day? Of course not.

As soon as I entered the lunch room my spirits plummeted. I couldn't believe my eyes. Of course, of ****ing course! I couldn't win could I? Because sitting there, right at the table me and my sister always sat at was the one person I did not want to see. The one person I thought I would never have to see again. Shoshanna Lapucelle. The absolute bane of my existence, the one freaking person who I could not bear to see; I hated her! Why? Because two years ago she… That is we… Gah… WE KISSED OKAY? "Ali!" a loud voice sang out behind me and I cringed, knowing what was coming. Good thing I prepared myself or that girl would have knocked me over with the force of her hug. I swear that idiot didn't know her own strength. "What do you want?" I shouted, not shrieked, at the annoying girl. The jerk had the nerve to just blink at me for a couple of seconds before that annoying grin only brightened as she said, "Ah Ali, I just wanted to touch you!" My face went completely red. How the heck does she make my face do that? "Idiot!" I roared and pushed her off me, "People can take that the wrong way! You just wanted to touch me! Idiot!" Oh great, my face was probably an even deeper shade of red now. And she just stood there smiling at me like a complete moron! "Ah Ali," she cooed, "You look so cute. Your face is red like a tomato!" Her grinned got wider, if that was even possible, as she stared at me with her emerald green eyes. DARN! I did not just notice how beautiful her eyes were! I began to stutter and finally I just looked away, becoming very interested in the floor pattern.

"Hey Ali," Shoshanna's normally cheerful voice suddenly sounded nervous. I looked up, not because I was worried about her darn it, but I looked up anyways to see what the heck she wanted. "What do you want bast-mmmpph!" She kissed me. Oh my freaking- She was actually kissing me. And it felt really good. I wanted to push her away! B-but that…I didn't want to see her upset! So I-I kissed her back. And I might have let out a little sigh but it wasn't because I was happy! Humph. And then she left! Well, she stayed with me for a few minutes. No we were not making out dammit! We were just, um… That doesn't matter! The fact is when I came to school the next day I found out Shoshanna had moved. To France. And she didn't tell me! I mean you don't just not tell somebody you're leaving for another country and then kiss them the last day you're there! I-I was really hurt darn it! I had been expecting to see Shoshanna's face smiling at me when I came to school the next morning, but when I didn't see her I was worried and then I found out from my sister of all people that Shoshanna had moved to France and had asked everybody not to tell me! The moron had let everyone else know she was leaving and she didn't tell me!

So obviously I got sick the next day from food poisoning in the cafeteria. I was not staying home because of a broken heart like my sister thought. No way, Alicia Vargas does not get her heart broken by people like Shoshanna Lapucelle. I did not have a broken heart… And I certainly did not cry in my room for almost the whole day. And I did not refuse to eat tomatoes for a week because they reminded me too much of Shoshanna! And the fact that she didn't even bother trying to contact me for two years didn't matter at all. No way did it matter. Not one little bit. And now she was back, and her freaking emerald green eyes had just found my own. Even though there were hundreds of other teens in the cafeteria shrieking and shouting her eyes just seemed to zone in on me and I found I couldn't look away. It was like her eyes were rooting me to the spot, telling me not to move or to leave. Shoshanna's eyes were telling me to just stand there and let her look at me and only me even though there were hundreds of others constantly moving between us. Well ****.

I think this is very well written. The first beginning line hooked me. I however could not point out if this was a girl kissing a girl scene or a boy kissing a girl. Either way fine by me. But the story setting was bizarre and crazy good for me. Great job! I would like to say that the title is very capturing for a visual reader. I can already tell from the top of my head something hilarious and comedic will transpire. And it did. How hilarious was that! But i do have to remind you of indenting correctly in dialogue and to watch for grammar misuage or spelling errors and typos. Those irk me.

One point i'd like to make out is your story went fluently. I also liked the detail. One thing however was the unneeded exclamation marks. Those can make your one sentence look cheap or cheesy in writing so watch out for those. Also by the end of this chapter and i still have not seen any descriptives but i know enough about the character--possibly shy, irritatable, snoozer, i.e---but an advice is to note the style of the character. Maybe some background history from parents orhow siblings treat them---something along those lines, which you included scarcely. But i still enjoyed your piece. Keep writing!

#1 Fan

I didn't see any grammar mistakes really, but then again I'm hopeless when it comes to grammar. Anyways, I absolutely loved this. The pace was almost perfect, and everything just seemed to flow into one another flawlessly, nothing sounding strained or forced. I loved a lot of the wording, that seems to be people's biggest problem anymore: getting things worded write so it doesn't sound weird. But everything in this sounded okay, like something you'd hear someone saying in real life. The details were wonderful, but I can't help but notice that I have no idea what any of your characters look like, except that Shoshanna has emerald, green eyes. And I'm guessing by the name Alicia, the main character's a girl but correct me if I'm wrong because from the writing, it could be either or. Wonderful job on this, and please let me know when you have the second chapter up. Good luck on all future writes

I really liked this! I agree with the other reviews, I couldn't tell if it was girl kissing girl or guy kissing girl, again, no problem either way, but I couldn't tell. Ali is a guy and girl name, so it can tend to get confusing. If it is girl kissing girl say somewhere about it. Mention if she is a lesbian or not. I just got a little confuzled, but that may just be me, haha. Yeah I liked the title and it was well written. One thing though, if you are gonna swear don't use **, I don't know what they are called so yeah, but just say it. I didn't know at the end if you meant shit or fuck, sorry for the language, I don't usually swear haha but I kinda had to. Since they both are **** I couldn't tell. But other than that it was SUPER good, I really liked it. Just re-read it to point out mistakes, but yeah. Message me when new chapter is up, please!(:

Hey there.

Interesting story. It has the potential to become a really good one, if you go on an editing spree. But honestly, the rambly sentences seemed a bit too much for me.

I'm all pro-rambly sentence, but I don't think you used them effectively. The style should come from within the character and not as though you're telling the story. The style should floe naturally, is what I'm saying.

And I totally thought Ali was aguy until you say Alicia! That's good work in creating a little twist.

Also, try to put in some description. Right now, it's a lot of 'telling' going on. 'Show' us some of the stories. It'll sound better. Build up a better tension in the atmosphere and make the reader feel the emotions.

Another thing is, try not to use caps in the sentence. It seems too much like yelling at the other person, and... on a more ridiculous note, it doesn't look so nice compared to the rest of the nice text.

Let's see what the next chapters entail

~L