It's a nice day to go hiking. Overcast, cool. Warm enough to not need a hat, but perhaps later I'll need an umbrella. I am taking a break on the power-line road. The air is still. It's quiet except for the trilling of insects and the occasional chatter of squirrels. Summer is at it's height, and the earth is cracked in places, puddles in others, and green everywhere. Out of the bushes comes a young man. He is tall, muscular, with a multi-racial look about him. He was also naked. Startled, I cry out.
"Please don't be frightened," he says. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to scare you!"
Shocked, I blurt, "You have no pants!"
"What?" he looks down, "OHMYGOD!" and covers himself.
I turn hastily. "Whu... why are you naked?"
"I don't know!" he exclaims. "Why would they take my clothes?" he mutters.
"Who took your clothes?!" I say.
"They did... them... they... the people..."
"Who?"
"Look, I don't know what to call them, but they're not my friends." he was looking through the bushes.
"Is it like, and organization?"
"Yes!" he said. "They're evil, and they took my clothes and left me out here for dead." He looked up. "Where is here?"
"Idaho," I say, "Outside Spirit Lake."
"What planet?"
"What?!" I was starting to think this guy had schizophrenia.
"Are you dumb, or something, cause it's OK if you are." He said.
What!? How dare he insult me "You're the one who's naked in the middle of the woods with no idea what planet he's on, blathering about people he doesn't know taking his clothes." you Friggen psychopath. He wandered about in the brush some more. "Can you not find your pants?"
"No, I can't. And I would thank you to not mock me about this fact." He said.
"well here, take my shorts. I've got spandex underneath them.
"Thank you" he says, as I throw the shorts to him.
I wait for him to get them on. "Are you decent?"
"Yeah," he looks at me. "Sorry I called you stupid. I do it to everyone."
"Well, it's not a good habit to get into, and if you do it again, I'm going to leave you here." He did not look phased by this statement. "And I'll take my pants with me!"
"Are you going to take them? Cuz I'd love for you to try." He grinned wickedly at me and I blushed.
"So, what planet is this?"
"Legally, It's Tellus, but we locals call it Earth."
"Which planet is it from the sun?"
"Third."
"How many moons?"
"One natural one."
"How fast is the lunar cycle?"
"Once every twenty-seven days, a day is twenty-four hours, an hour is 60 seconds, and a second is about this long," I said, tapping.
"Oh! now I know what planet this is!" he said, "I recognize this plant! It's called frailia!"
"No, that's called grass." Crazy freak. "And you're not an alien. Let's get going." I didn't want to spend unneeded time with this loon.
"Hey!" he shouted, unbending from where he crouched over the grass. "I in no way resemble a large water bird."
"I didn't say that..." I said, eyes wide.
"But you thought it. In distress, my species forms a psychic link with whatever sentient being happens to walk by."
"You can read my thoughts!" I gasped, this was actually one of my biggest fears! "Get the FUCK out of my head!"
"Hey, hey, It's ok..." He said, trying to calm me down. "Don't panic. You're OK."
"Just don't read my thoughts!" I said.
"I can't exactly help it," he said carefully, "it's what enables me to learn this language. Don't worry, it will fade in time."
"OK, fine," I said briskly. "Just follow me."
I took him out of the woods to the corner gas station, reluctant to show the possible psychopath where I lived.
"Hey! I 'm not a psychopath!" he said way too loud.
"Shut up!" I muttered, quickly buying some gum and sitting him down in a booth.
"Hey, no shoes, no shirt, no service." Says the cashier, forcing me to spring for a t-shirt and flip-flopps.
"You are so paying me back for this." I told him angrily.
"If you met me when I was naked, what makes you think I have any money?" he grumbled, pulling the shirt on. Momentarily distracted, I enjoyed the way his muscles moved as he did so. He grinned at me, a knowing look in his eye.
"Hey, if you're an alien, how come you look human?
"Maybe you look alien. Ever think of that?"
"Hey, You're on my planet. Makes you the copy cat." I said irately.
"Fair enough."
"And keep your voice down. People are staring!" Usually, this didn't bother me, in fact, I liked it, but this 'alien' was wearing on my last nerve. "So why did those people leave you out in the middle of the woods naked?"
"Oh, they're big practical jokers, and I pranked them a few years ago, and their honor wouldn't take it. So this is them getting me back."
"What? You said they were evil." Uh. He was so confusing.
"I was disoriented in the middle of the forest naked, in front of a pretty girl. I had to say something."
I leaned my head on my hand in defeat. How could I get rid of this guy without seeming rude?
"Wait! Don't leave me!" he said, suddenly looking desperate. "haven't you wanted all your life for an adventure?"
"I-"
"And now one falls from the sky, right into your lap and you're trying to refuse me?"
"Well..." I couldn't think of what to say...
"Say yes." 'Kiss me', his eyes seemed to say, 'stay with me.'
"Yes." I felt like his gaze was hypnotizing me. Maybe it was.
"Good. Now that's settled. We shall have adventures together."
I held my head in my hand and offered him a piece of gum. "Chew it. Don't swallow."
"What's the point of that?" he asked, studying it.
"Keeps your mouth busy." I said
"So I can't talk?"
"Exactly." There was a pause as we chewed. "So, how do you plan on getting off this planet, unless you're body-packing a spaceship."
"a ha ha. ha. so funny." he grumbled. "make fun of the stranded guy. that's in good taste.
"Sorry."
"It's OK. I don't really mind." he looked out the window. "they should be back to pick me up in a couple days. Unless they forget, which would suck.
"What then?"
"Well, it wouldn't be too hard to hitch a ride back. Tourists love this arm of the galaxy."
"Why, what's out here?"
"It's fun for them to see primitive societies, and ones on the verge of inter-planetary communication, like this one. It takes them back to a simpler time."
"Makes sense."
"In fact, I think there's one right now!"
"What?!?" How oddly convenient. He was gesturing to a perfectly normal-looking guy in a red sweater.
"Yep. He's definitely Vasuvian." he nodded knowingly at me. "Look at the elongated neck."
"What?!" I said, the guy did kinda have a long neck, but it was within normal limits. He was already getting up.
"Excuse me," he was saying. "My ... 'car' ... broke down, and I'm stranded in this ... 'town.' ... Could you give me a lift to the next ... 'city' ... you're going to?" What was that, some kind of code? I didn't get it.
"I would have to take it up with my ... 'wife.'" The guy said, looking startled.
"Of course." Said the alien I found. making a respectful-looking hand-gesture.
lol okay here goes...
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