Young Writers Society

This is the beginning of the second draft. Other than the general comments and nit-picky things, is this an effective opening? Do you feel anything for the MC? I want my readers to go through an emotional roller-coaster with my MC in this book. In this chapter (which will be much longer than this) I want my readers to feel Cora's feeling of extreme loneliness. I know it's early, but are you picking up on any of that? Any suggestions in those regards?

Please be harsh! Thanks much
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1. Grey


November.

Perhaps today will be the day. We’ll make eye contact and exchange a smile. We’ll talk, have a conversation, or laugh at each other’s jokes. Perhaps today will be the day that everything starts to turn around.
I trudged my way into the band room. The usual five or six people are already in their seats, getting their instrument out, or talking to one another. I went to my locker and grabbed my trombone.
Four minutes until everyone else will get out of their first class.
Nic Washington, a fellow trombone player, looked up at me from the video game he plays on his computer almost every morning before band starts. “Good morning, Cora,” He smiled.
“Good morning, Nic,” I smiled and set my trombone case on the platform behind me that the trumpets stand on for jazz band. Nic is sitting a little farther down on the platform.
“How are you on this fine, November morning?” He asked.
I set my bag on the floor beside me. “Not too bad, yourself?”
“I’m great actually. I finally found a way to beat this level,” He turned back to his laptop screen.
I smiled, not knowing what else to do, and slowly got my trombone out.
Nic and I went to Homecoming together this year. I really had not planned on going, but my friends guilted me into accepting his request after he asked me. Nic is a really nice guy. We talked a lot during marching band season because we stood next to each other throughout a large portion of the show. It was pretty obvious to me that he liked me during this time and in a way I was expecting that he would ask me to Homecoming. I don’t know if he still likes me, but I feel bad because I’m just not interested and can’t see him as anything more than a friend.
The bell rang and Nic stuffed his laptop into his bag before taking his seat.
I squirted some water on my slide and put oil on the springs of the F-attachment valve to stall as long as possible as people began to come in from their last class.
Two of my friends, Libbie and Miyah walked in together and went to their respective locker rooms to grab their instruments. Voices began to pick up in the hallway and a large group of sophomores walked in.
The group is being led by Colin and Archer who are singing a song that seems to be about Colin. Colin has short dark hair, hazel eyes, and an amazing sense of humor. I like him. I don’t fully understand why because we’ve probably only exchanged a handful of words. But after I gave up hope on Nic ever making a move, I realized that Colin is really funny, really nice, and could make a really great boyfriend. One of these days things will work out.
Archer is one of Colin’s best friends. He’s more muscular than Colin who is tall and lanky, has light brown hair and blue eyes. His girlfriend, Grace, tagged along behind them. She plays flute, has very light blond hair, very pale skin, and extremely big pale blue eyes. Next to her is red-headed Claiborne who plays alto sax.
Colin and Archer both play trumpet and have lockers right next to each other, about three away from mine. I walked back to my locker to grab my folder, hoping that he might notice me and say something. He didn’t. Neither of them looked at me. They’re singing a song and I am air.
I grabbed my things and slowly walked to my seat.
There are six of us in the trombone section. Joseph is the section leader. He’s very nice and has a quirky sense of humor. He’s also a lineman on the football team and is huge. Cathryn is probably half the size of Joseph. She enjoys drama, complaining, and attention. I like her in moderation. Sometimes she can be really nice and fun, but she gets on my nerves after a while.
Libbie sits on my right. She’s similar to Cathryn in that they’re both small, blond, and enjoy drama. Libbie is a lot more reserved and doesn’t like attention. She’s very sensitive and gets angry very easily. Nic sits on the other side of her and Allen, the bass trombone player, sits on the other side of him. Allen has an afro of loose curly brown hair. He’s dating my friend Harper who plays trumpet.
As soon as I sat down Libbie turned to me, her eyebrows furrowed and her mouth formed a tight line. “Okay, I’m starting to get really pissed at Miyah.”
I never know what to say in situations like this. The chance of it being something significant is slim. The chance of her getting over it by the end of the day is great.
“Why, what’d she do?” I glanced to the other side of the band where Miyah was taking her seat in the clarinet section.
“I don’t know, she’s just being really annoying lately,” Her expression softened softly. “She never wants to do anything and she’s always complaining.”
I watched Colin and Archer walk towards their seats, the row right in front of the trombones. Afraid we may accidently make awkward eye contact, I turned back to Libbie, “What does she complain about?” My eyes quickly shifted to Colin as he sat down towards the end of the trumpet row.
“Her mom, how she doesn’t have a boyfriend, and how no one takes her seriously,” Libbie rolled her eyes. “Like, I know that she doesn’t have the best relationship with her mom all the time and I know that people are kind of mean to her sometimes, but I’m just getting really sick of hearing about it, you know? I just want us to have fun!”
“Yeah,” I have no idea where to go from here. If I take Miyah’s side, Libbie will get mad at me. I don’t want to automatically take Libbie’s side because that will simply cement her belief that getting mad every day over petty things like this is okay. “Have you talked to her about it?”
“No, cause then she’ll just get pissed off at me.”
I was saved from having to come up with another response by the band director, Mr. Baker, taking the podium.
Cathryn leaned forward to talk to Libbie, “Oh my God Libbie I have a story for you.”
“What?” Libbie’s eyes widened.
Cathryn glanced at Baker, who has begun making announcements, and then back at Libbie. “Guess who talked to me in early bird today?”
“I don’t know, who?”Libbie’s eyes widened.
“Guess,” Cathryn whined.
“I don’t know who’s in that class!”
Cathryn sighed, “Tim,” her eyes widened, expecting a huge response from Libbie. “And he was actually nice for a change.”
Libbie gasped, “What did he say?”
“We were working together in a group and, I don’t remember exactly what he said, but he was nice. Like usually he just passes off all of my ideas and opinions as a joke but today he was nice.”
“Do you think it could be a sign?”
She shrugged, “I don’t know. It could be, but I don’t want to get my hopes up, you know?”
Libbie nodded.
Cathryn and Tim dated for a good two years starting half way through freshman year. Their breakup last summer was kind of messy. It was rumored that he cheated on her, but I don’t know if that’s true or not. They were not on good terms for a long time. He dated another girl, she hated him for a while, and now he’s being nice to her again. Maybe he actually has grown up some and is going to be civil to her again, but I feel like this is going to turn into another large, drawn-out drama.
“Will you two shut it,” Joseph said in a loud whisper.
Cathryn glared at him and sat up in her seat, grabbing her phone to continue her discussion of all things Tim with Libbie in a less obtrusive way.
Baker warmed us up and we began playing a march. Cathryn and Libbie continued to text each other, Nic and Allen, talked about video games, and I did my best not to stare at Colin. He is somewhat obstructed from view by stands and the heads of other trumpet players, but every once and while I can catch a glimpse of him when he stands to switch parts.
How nice would it be to have someone to converse with or simply to have someone around that you know cares about you with every fiber of their being?
I wouldn’t know.
I feel like air. Invisible. Forgotten about. Plain, boring, lonely Cora with no one and nothing.

Hello Carlito! I'm SodapopLunchbox I'm going to go straight into reviewing, but I just want to let you know that I think you have a good idea here but you need some more refining towards the plot.

I smiled, not knowing what else to do, and slowly got my trombone out.

This sounds awkward. I would try rephrasing the sentence, for example "I smiled and slowly took out my trombone, not knowing what else to do,"

It was pretty obvious to me that he liked me during this time and in a way I was expecting that he would ask me to Homecoming.

Again, this sounds awkward and I had to reread it to really understand what you were trying to say here. I still am not entirely sure what you mean.

The group is being led by Colin and Archer who are singing a song that seems to be about Colin. Colin has short dark hair, hazel eyes, and an amazing sense of humor. I like him. I don’t fully understand why because we’ve probably only exchanged a handful of words. But after I gave up hope on Nic ever making a move, I realized that Colin is really funny, really nice, and could make a really great boyfriend. One of these days things will work out.

I understand what you are saying here, but it could be better expressed. Does she get butterflies whenever she sees him? Tongue tied? etc. Bring more emotion into it. Sure the MC says "I like him." But that's much too broad. Plus, we never found out that the MC was interested in Nic, only that he took her to Homecoming. Lastly, saying "one of these days things will work out," it's much too obvious that the MC and Colin will eventually have something between them. Give us suspense! Don't give it all away in the first chapter.

You jump into describing the characters really fast and some do not have an introduction. This is just a mere suggestion, but instead of describing their personalities, you should show the audience their personality. But this is up to you, both are fine ways of introducing characters but normally showing the audience is better. It keeps us interested!

I feel as though you introduce too many characters within the first chapter. It's difficult to feel loneliness for Cora when so many people are introduced with different personalities and such. I really don't feel much for Cora honestly. She doesn't seem very lonely to me until she says it in the end. Try displaying more distance with her friends and incorporating emotions. It's all about emotions! Does Nic's inability to make a move strike a nerve or is she indifferent towards it? and etc.

Carlito, I hope this helped! If you need anything or you have any questions please let me know, I'm here to help!
-SodapopLunchbox!

The first thing I noticed was that you're changing tenses quite a bit.

Perhaps today will be the day.

vs.

I trudged my way into the band room.

The first is present tense, the second is past tense. Pick a tense and stick to it.

The usual five or six people are already in their seats, getting their instrument out, or talking to one another. I went to my locker and grabbed my trombone.

The unbolded is present, the bolded is past. I would suggest going over the story and making sure that everything is in past tense. Past tense seems to be what you're aiming for.

On another note:

The usual five or six people are already in their seats, getting their instrument out, or talking to one another.

I would pick one number. If it's a usual amount, it will be the usual 5. (or 6, but the number will be usual, therefore the same). I hope that makes sense. Feel free to disagree and disregard this comment.

I smiled and set my trombone case on the platform behind me that the trumpets stand on for jazz band.

This is an awkward mouthful of a sentence.

“How are you on this fine, November morning?” he asked.

“I’m great actually. I finally found a way to beat this level,period instead)” He turned back to his laptop screen.

“I don’t know, she’s just being really annoying lately,(period instead)” Her expression softened softly.

“Her mom, how she doesn’t have a boyfriend, and how no one takes her seriously,(period instead)” Libbie rolled her eyes.

I hope you're catching onto the pattern.

“What?” Libbie’s eyes widened.

“I don’t know, who?”Libbie’s eyes widened.

Repetitive.

So. The writing is very bland and the descriptions are meek. That's the main issue with this, and I think that's what you should focus on when writing the next chapters (unless they're already written). I found that I was pretty bored while reading this, there wasn't much to capture my attention. It was almost an entire story about gossip. Some people may enjoy it, but I find that it sounds very 2D, very bland and unimpressive.

As for my feelings towards the MC... I'm indifferent. You spend most of the story listening to other characters speak, and your MC doesn't really have any comments. We don't get to see into her thoughts enough to feel sympathy for her. The only part in which you add any emotion is within the very last paragraph. Then it's over, we don't have time to feel anything.

I hope this was helpful! And good luck with the rest of the story. Ciao