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CinderAllen. Chapter 3.



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Tue Nov 29, 2011 3:27 am
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Dragongirl says...



Hey there folks! Thanks to everyone who has read the chapters that I've aready posted. Hope you like this one.

Chapter 3.


At 6:00 PM the limo pulled up in front of the mansion. Sitting in the driver’s seat, I tapped my thumb on the side of the steering wheel and checking my refection in the rear view mirror, pulling Ben’s cap lower over my eyes for the fiftieth time. Shrugging the collar of my borrowed leather jacket higher on my neck, I kept my head low while Brent and Trevor exited the house and the butler opened the car door for them. Ben had wanted me to wear a fake mustache to complete the disguise but I had refused.



“Heck no.” I said when he held up the fuzzy strip.

He lowered it with an exasperated sigh. “I thought the whole point was for you to look like me.”

“No,” I tucked my ponytail into Ben’s hat while tugging it on. “The point is to pass as you. Not turn into you. Thank goodness” I said, earning a slap on the side of my head.

“Hey, you better be nice or I’ll take my hat back.” Ben threatened.

“ You can’t take it back, I doing this to help you.” I said striking a pose and raising an eyebrow at him in the mirror.

“Yeah right, we both know you just want to wear my cap.” He teased before turning serious. “Are you sure you want to do this Allen? If you get catch you could get in a lot of trouble, not to mention I get fired.”

I ignored him and held out my hand. “Jacket.” Ben stripped his coat off and gave it to me.

“Really Allen, you don’t have to do this.”

I slid the jacket on and rolled my shoulders. The leather stretching tightly across them. Ben was around the same height as me so the sleeve length was about right, however he was a little narrower, so it fit snuggly. I turned to him. “Don’t worry I’m not going to get caught.”



As I pulled out the driveway though, I wasn’t so confident.

A tap sounded on the divider. After slipping on a pair of shades, I slid the darkened glass open a few inches. Trevor’s voice came floating up to the cab.

“Be around front of the Cleavers and ready to pick us up at 12 PM.” His voice grew more muffled and I assumed he had turned to address Brent. “I heard the birthday girl is hot and even better, single. She’s probably just waiting of a free guy, such as myself, to come along.”

“I thought you were with Stacy.” A new voice said. Glancing in the rear view mirror, I caught a glimpse of my older step-brother looking relaxed and bored, as always. Sitting across from Trevor, he absently straightened the silk handkerchief in his suit pocket and ran his fingers delicately through his calculatedly mused auburn hair.

“Nah, I broke up with her. She was just holding me back.” I smiled to my self at Trevor’s reply. Apparently Stacy hadn’t bought the rose apology.

“Ah, and because you’re girl-less and wearing my cologne, there’s no way any women could resist you.”

There was a creak of leather and I guessed Trevor had leaned back in his seat. “Exactly. That is why we’re leaving the party at 12:00. I don’t want here to think I’m overly eager or anything. Girls like a man they have to work for.” He finished smugly, having completely missed Brent’s sarcasm.

He directed his voice to me again. “So driver, make sure to be ready at 12:00.”

Yes sir.” I said in my best imitation of Ben’s voice. The was a long pause and I held my breath.

And then Brent spoke. “That will be all, Benjamin.”

Once the glass was closed again I let out the air in my lungs with a whoosh of relieve and a grin crept onto my face.

Maybe we were actually going to get away with this.


Spoiler! :
I realize this is a super short chapter and I feel really bad because I'm aways getting on to people about how short they make their chapters and now I'm doing it. Sorry!. The next one will be longer, I promise.


Chapter 4. viewtopic.php?f=363&t=91039

Chapter 2. viewtopic.php?f=363&t=90882
Last edited by Dragongirl on Sat Jan 28, 2012 3:55 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"Every writer I know has trouble writing." - Joseph Heller

~ A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.~
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Tue Nov 29, 2011 3:41 am
CsJ93 says...



It's starting to get really really interesting! There were a few grammer and spelling errors but I'm guessing you were just writing really fast, because that's what happens to me. Keep up the awesome writing! :)
  





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Tue Nov 29, 2011 3:54 am
Leahweird says...



“Don’t worry I’m not going to get catch.”
You have a catch instead of a caught

"She’s probably just wait of a free guy, such as my self, to come along.”
*waiting *myself

"of my older step-brother looking, as always, relaxed and bored."
Maybe try "looking relaxed and bored, as always". It's just a little off as it is.

I'm intrigued by the older step-sibling. I want to see more of what he is like. (Trevor is kind of obvious). I also really like the relationship between Ben and Allen. It's sweet.

I personally did not have a problem with the length. I know how it is when some of them need to be left as is. ;)
  





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Tue Nov 29, 2011 8:02 am
hudz96 says...



Really i love this story its so interesting, you have a box in your brain and its spilling with ideas :D go finish it girl i Love IT!!! yes and after you rush check the spelling twice love :D
Don’t let your victories go to your head, or your failures go to your heart.
  








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