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A Love Unheard Of: Chapter 1: Unusual Friends



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Fri Dec 02, 2011 8:07 pm
Jalmoc says...



Okay, so this is my first attempt ever at trying to write a novel so bear with me!! :D




A Love Unheard Of

Chapter 1: Unusual Friends
Micah woke up to the sound of his alarm clock blaring loudly, telling him it was time for school. He reached for the clock, found the table, and pressed the off button atop his alarm. He slumped back into his bed and stretched the tiredness out of his body.

Standing up, he went to his closet and grabbed clothes off the rack. The sun was already shining through his small window, casting shadows around the room. Micah scratched his head, making his dark brown hair mess up even more as he went into the bathroom.

As Micah got out of the shower, he looked into the old, stained mirror upon the bathroom wall. Two dark brown eyes that seemed empty stared back at him with the face of a 16 year old kid. His dark brown hair was short, but just above his eyebrows. His body was average on every standard, he wasn’t too athletic but not too weak. Micah almost never smiled, because he was never given a reason to smile.

He splashed water on his face, then threw on a dark green t-shirt and blue jeans. Seeming somewhat satisfied with how he looked, he went downstairs and grabbed his backpack off the back of one of the kitchen chairs.

He locked the door as he left the empty house, since his mom was working like always. He walked quickly in the brisk cold air of the November morning, relishing to be in the warmth of the school. He walked around another corner and Riverton High School came into view.

People clamored around the school yard talking to friends, showing off, or just hanging around. Micah kept his head down as he went inside of the school and to his locker. He finally found it, with its dents and bad red paint job. He quickly put in his combination, grabbed his books, and went to his first class of the day.

The light smell of cinnamon and baking dough enticed his senses as he walked into cooking class. He was the first one to class, besides a girl sitting in the back of the room. He realized that he had never seen her before.

She was looking over her school schedule, her reddish blond hair falling over her shoulder. Her radiant green eyes stared intently at her schedule. She had a small nose that complimented her perfect smile. She looked up, glanced at Micah for a second, and went back to studying her schedule like he wasn’t even there.

Micah moved to one of the many tables around the room, and took a seat waiting for the bell to ring. He couldn’t help but to glance back at the girl sitting alone. She was busy moving her pencil across a blank sheet of paper, making an image that he couldn’t see from here.

A shrill sound emitted from the loudspeakers in the ceiling, and he put his hands to his ears trying to block out the noise. He looked around the room and noticed that the girl didn’t do anything to block the noise, as if she couldn't hear it. After a moment, the noise stopped and Micah felt his ears ringing.

That was the first bell, so teens started meandering into the classroom, reluctant to be there. After several minutes, everyone was in the classroom and were finally sitting down. A bell sounded throughout the class and an elderly lady came out from behind one of the cabinets.

“I am Miss Weatherly,” she said in a grandma kind of voice. “Now, to make sure that you’re all here, I’m going to give you a seating chart.” Immediately, a groan spread across the class.

After another ten minutes everyone was seated in their new assigned seats, and Micah had been placed in the back next to the strange, yet beautiful silent girl. She only looked at him once, barely noticing that he was there.

Another shrill sound came over the loudspeakers, and Micah put his hands to his ears to block it out. Again, the girl didn’t seem to notice it as she measured out equivalents on her paper. He tapped her shoulder, and she looked at him questioningly.

“The bell rang,” I said to her. She studied my face intently as I spoke to her, and nodded her head. She quickly picked her things up and was out the door before anyone else. He wondered silently to himself why she had left so quickly.

He gathered up his things, and went out the door into the mass of chaos. As Micah was walking down the hallway, he saw a group of kids surrounding the girl from cooking. They converged around her, and started pushing her and calling her awful names.

Without thinking, Micah rushed into the crowd and started pushing people away from her. As soon as there was an opening the girl ran away with tears streaming down her face. He made to go after her, but the kids that were picking on her blocked his way. He closed his eyes as a fist came towards his face.

The bell finally rang, and Micah walked to this locker holding an ice pack to his left eye. The kid who had punched him had completely swollen his eye shut, and turned it black. When he opened his locker, a note fell out of it.

He bent down and picked it up, looking at the fancy writing on the outside. It read:

To: Micah
From: The Girl You Helped

Carefully, he opened the note taking in the words written upon the inside.

Dear Micah,

Thank you so much for helping me earlier today with those bullies. You’re the only person that has ever come to my defense. I was hoping that we would become friends if you wished. See you tomorrow?

From,
Valerie

Micah read over the note another time, taking in what Valerie had wrote. He had never really had a girl that wanted to be friends with him since he wasn’t one of the “popular” guys.

She was in his cooking class but she had never spoke to anyone. Micah pressed the ice pack to his eye a little harder, relishing the numbness it gave his eye. He decided that he would accept her friend request.

End of Chapter 1.

All Rights Reserved. ® Copyright © Jalmoc Writing 2009-2014.
If you don't take a chance, you'll always live your life in regret, so let your heart show it's true colors and admit your feelings!

Tis not the blade that took your life, but the Assassin behind it.

When Reality has all but fallen away, recreate your own world
  





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Mon Dec 05, 2011 6:16 am
GryphonFledgling says...



Hey-oh!

All righty then, we'll start at the beginning, shall we? You start with Micah waking up. Why? I mean, a lot of stories begin with their characters waking up. It's been done a million times before. It's honestly kind of boring. It doesn't tell us anything about your character beyond his morning routine. Do we need to know that? Why not skip ahead to when he is sitting in class? We'd be that much closer to the main conflict of the story and that much closer to things getting interesting. As it stands, we just sort of get a generic opening, one that we've seen a million times before. Why not make your beginning stand out? Give us something unique to your story, unique to your character.

Micah almost never smiled, because he was never given a reason to smile.

Why not? This is interesting to me. I want to know why he doesn't have a reason to smile. Does he have a crappy home life? Is he just apathetic? Pessimistic? Why doesn't he smile? What are his reasons for saying he doesn't have a reason to smile? I want to hear more about this. From what I have seen of his morning routine, he has a fairly normal life. I can't find really anything in this chapter to indicate that he wouldn't have a reason to smile. So yeah, I just want to hear more about this. Is it just his personality, or is it due to things in his life?

She had a small nose that complimented her perfect smile.

Is she smiling looking at her schedule? Seems a little odd.

“The bell rang,” I said to her. She studied my face intently as I spoke to her, and nodded her head.

Here, you've switched to a first-person point of view, while the rest of the story has been in third person. It's a bit jarring. Holdover from a previous draft?

Also, I'm guessing that the new girl is deaf? Interesting...

They converged around her, and started pushing her and calling her awful names.

More description please? This is an intense moment and it just blows by in a sentence. What kind of names were they calling her? How many were there? What set them off? Is anyone else trying to stop them? Seriously, this could use so much more description to make a scene of real conflict and instead it kind of almost gets lost. Why not stretch it out a bit more, make it more of a central moment in this chapter? As of right now, Micah waking up and going about his morning gets way more description than this does, despite this being much more important in Michah's relationship with this girl.

The bell finally rang, and Micah walked to this locker holding an ice pack to his left eye.

Again, more description please. We went from someone throwing a punch at him to him in the aftermath. What happened? Did he hold his own? Were there teachers involved? What happens? It just sort of goes from him wading into the fray and then him with a black eye. Did he get in trouble? Did any of the other kids get in trouble? Does the new girl get called in to tell her side of the story? What happens? I just want to know more of this, because I think it would help to establish Micah's character that much more and help us get to know him and the reasons for his actions. Why did he go to help the girl, for instance? Is it because it was that girl? Or would he have done that anyway, even if he hadn't known who it was? I just want to know more about this.

Valerie's note seems a little formal. I mean, I can see her thanking him after helping him out, but why would she ask to become friends like that? It just seems like she would want to get to know him a little better, or why didn't she just decide to ask him the next time she saw him? I dunno, it just felt a little stilted and unrealistic the way it came out, and the way Micah decides that he is going to become friends with her. Some of it might be the wording, but it kind of sounds silly and old-fashioned, as opposed to the way people actually become friends.

All in all, I kind of wanted more from this. I wanted to know more about Micah and about the girl. It just all goes by so quickly and I don't have any time to get to know any of them. Slow down, let us go through the moments a bit more intensely, describe things and let the reader experience them as the character experiences them. I want to know more about these guys and their lives. Show me!

Drop me a line via PM or on my wall if you have any questions or comments! I'd love to hear from you!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  





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Tue Jan 03, 2012 10:01 am
Demeter says...



Hello Jalmoc!

You posted on my WRFF ages ago and I'm so sorry for not dropping by sooner. I've really been such a rusty reviewer these past months.

Micah woke up to the sound of his alarm clock blaring loudly, telling him it was time for school. He reached for the clock, found the table, and pressed the off button atop his alarm. He slumped back into his bed and stretched the tiredness out of his body.


This isn't such a hooking opening paragraph, which is a shame as getting your readers hooked from the very start is what you want. This is also rather basic, something you could find in any novel, and that's why I suggest you start off with something more surprising, perhaps something that represents your writing style more precisely than this. Also, I was a bit bothered by the "then he did this and then he did that" structure of this first paragraph.

Long story short: Try starting with a surprise.


As Micah got out of the shower, he looked into the old, stained mirror upon the bathroom wall. Two dark brown eyes that seemed empty stared back at him with the face of a 16 year old kid. His dark brown hair was short, but just above his eyebrows. His body was average on every standard, he wasn’t too athletic but not too weak. Micah almost never smiled, because he was never given a reason to smile.


Here you did something that I've been told to avoid: describe a character while they're looking at themselves in the mirror. I'm not sure exactly why it's a bad thing to do (so this is probably useless advice), but probably just because a lot of people do that and it's somewhat of a cliché. And as you know, you should avoid clichés like the plague. ;)


She had a small nose that complimented her perfect smile.


Interesting description - I sort of like it, except I don't know what it means that her nose compliments her smile?


She looked up, glanced at Micah for a second, and went back to studying her schedule like he wasn’t even there.


I don't think you need to say "for a second", as glance alone suggests a very short time of looking.


A shrill sound emitted from the loudspeakers in the ceiling, and he put his hands to his ears trying to block out the noise. He looked around the room and noticed that the girl didn’t do anything to block the noise, as if she couldn't hear it. After a moment, the noise stopped and Micah felt his ears ringing.

That was the first bell...


You mention the bell in the paragraph before this and also that Micah is waiting for the bell to ring. However, "a shrill sound" and Micah putting his hands over his ears suggests that
a) the bell took Micah by surprise (which doesn't make sense as he was waiting for it)
b) there must be something wrong with the bell, because why would a school use a bell that hurts people's ears, especially when they have to listen to it several times a day? I'm perfectly fine with the "shrillness" of the bell sound, but the hands-over-ears thing seems animated and almost comical.


“I am Miss Weatherly,” she said in a grandma kind of voice. “Now, to make sure that you’re all here, I’m going to give you a seating chart.” Immediately, a groan spread across the class.


So is this the first class of a whole new semester or do they just have a new teacher?


After another ten minutes everyone was seated in their new assigned seats, and Micah had been placed in the back next to the strange, yet beautiful silent girl.


Where did the first ten minutes go?


Another shrill sound came over the loudspeakers, and Micah put his hands to his ears to block it out.


As I think I made my opinion about the first occurrence rather clear, it probably goes without saying that I don't recommend doing this again.


“The bell rang,” I said to her. She studied my face intently as I spoke to her, and nodded her head. She quickly picked her things up and was out the door before anyone else. He wondered silently to himself why she had left so quickly.


You suddenly change to... first person? And then to third again?


The bell finally rang, and Micah walked to this locker holding an ice pack to his left eye.


Where did he get the ice?


To: Micah
From: The Girl You Helped


How does she know his name if he doesn't know hers?


Micah read over the note another time, taking in what Valerie had wrote.


Should be "had written". A very human mistake, I do it all the time - just be sure to proofread before you post :)


She was in his cooking class but she had never spoke to anyone.


--> "spoken"


He decided that he would accept her friend request.


Haha! I like this! Very clever. I don't know if you intended it to be funny, but it made me laugh -- and that's in a good way, definitely.


So, as you can see, quite a lot of my comments are just questions. That doesn't mean I specifically want an answer personally, just that you should think about the answer and clarify the part of the text so that your other readers won't be asking the same questions I did.

Overall, I wasn't too enticed with this first chapter - I felt that you did a lot of telling of what physically happened in every scene, rather than making me interested in Micah and the other characters (mainly the girl). However, I do find myself wondering what might be happening next, and I really don't know how you did that, so well done.

You noticed that I started this review by suggesting you surprise the readers. You obviously know how to do that already, since the last line about the "friend request" came totally out of the blue and was a very clever, sort of self-ironic way of phrasing it. So please do more of that, since you can!

I say this in my reviews rather often, but you can get away with quite a lot of things in the middle as long as you have a great beginning and a great ending. The beginnings/endings I like are often (do I have to say it?) surprising, funny, sudden, concise, and in case of an ending, bring the story ends neatly together and cut off the fringes. This doesn't mean they have to be all of this, but they're just some things I've found myself liking.

With that said, I apologise again for such a late start and wish you the best of luck in your writing!


Demeter
x
"Your jokes are scarier than your earrings." -Twit

"14. Pretend like you would want him even if he wasn't a prince. (Yeah, right.)" -How to Make a Guy Like You - Disney Princess Style

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