Young Writers Society

Monday was the worst day of the week. It had been a week since school started and all my classmates were still giving me awkward glances whenever I walked through the hallway.

I was a new student. Often considered as "outsider" and not totally accepted. Within my first week of staying here, nobody even bothered talking to me, more or less ask who I was. I was left out from this world of white people, not knowing what to do of myself.

Well, let me introduce myself first. My name is Shay Jin. Yeah. It sounds weird and that's because I am Asian. But I didn't come from an Asian country. I grew up in Auckland, New Zealand and I always considered that place my home. But unfortunately, my other relatives lived in this place, Australia. And so my parents decided to get settled in here.

Now, I'm stuck in the place I called "purgatory" since I felt like slowly being burned to death. I felt like every person in my classroom giving me frowns and evil eyes. Not to mention that my seatmate kept muttering nonsense about being stuck with a freak.

I stared in the black board instead to pretend to not hear him. His words had a certain blade in them that if I keep listening, wave of fury will erupt through my veins.

"Class dismissed." the teacher finally said after a lot of torturing words of Biology.

Great. Just great. Lunch time was my next challenge.

I went to the cafeteria alone because all the guys kept on ignoring me and girl kept their distance. They treat me like I have some kind of contagious disease or something for them to stay away from me like that. Well, what should I expect? I'm an outsider and I heard enough of their comments that I don't belong in here. That I'm not accepted here.

After getting my lunch, I decided to leave the cafeteria because my school mates mention something about losing their appetite when I'm around. But mostly because all seats were taken.

I found an empty seat behind the small tree located beside the field. There were a lot of students crowded in the field but they won't notice me here because the tree was big enough to hide me. I ate my lunch peacefully.

As I bite into my sandwich, I thought about my friends back in New Zealand. They're probably having a good time, unaware that their old friend is having a miserable life. I went to a multicultural school when I was living there so I didn't have trouble with being left out. Most of my friends were Asians so I get along with them pretty well.

Unlike in here. Asians were very rare in this country.

That was when I saw her. I used to see her walking alone in the hallway, heads down and hands in fist. She was lightly tanned and she has long dark hair, waving along her back. Now, she 's sitting in the field, not a few feet away from me. As usual, her head was bent down, only for me to realize that she is reading a book, her eyebrows were mashed together like she was trying to not lose her temper.

I looked at her with a new kind of interest. She was the only person in the school that I can cope with since I usually see her alone and miserable. And she looked like somebody who doesn't belong in here, either. Like she's from a different kind of world.

Suddenly, her eyes flashed to me and I felt my face heat up. She frowned when she saw me looking at her and she stood up and walked away.

I looked down, unsure of whatever emotion running through me. I don't know but of all the things I've heard about me being rejected, this was the worst.

Hey! Welcome to YWS! You know, this is a million miles better than my first post on YWS. Oh, first off, let me introduce myself. I am 567ajt, specialist in ambiguous poetry and an expert in novels-that-make-no-sense mythology.

Anyway, onto your actual piece. You have a lot of substance to your narrator, and all the characters seem really horrible and mean because of the narrator's race. I also liked how you described a typical day of school without it sounding cliche at all. I especially liked the way you described your biology class, and it did feel like it was indeed endless. Is this by any chance based on true events? If so, this seems like a personal piece.

Now, for just one improvement. You are telling us what is going on- which is good, but sometimes it does get a bit repetitive. So I shall give you my motto: Show Not Tell. Now, this character may be depressed, and it is fairly obvious. Instead of the character telling us she is depressed, show us. Show it through her actions, her speech and her gesture. Even better would be using a subtext. This makes your piece and character more unpredictable if she is saying something that may not be necessarely what she is thinking.

Overall, an impressive first piece. Can't wait to read more. If you need anything, just send me a PM or post on my wall. Thank you

Hi, I'm Stela and I'm here to review for you today

It had been a week since school started and all my classmates were still giving me awkward glances

Don't know if you noticed, but before that you said week as well. It just meddles with the flow for me.

I was a new student. Often considered as "outsider" and not totally accepted.

I would reword this to say 'I was a new student. Everyone considered me an 'outsider', not totally accepted.' I don't think the 'and' is necessary simply because 'outsider' and 'not totally accepted' basically mean the same thing.

Within my first week of staying here, nobody even bothered talking to me, more or less ask who I was.

Change the bold to 'let alone'.

I was left out from this world of white people, not knowing what to do of myself.

Rejected, perhaps?

Well, let me introduce myself first.

But you didn't introduce yourself first. You talked about being an outsider and then went on to introduce yourself.

My name is Shay Jin. Yeah. It sounds weird and that's because I am Asian.

I feel like the 'and that's' is completely unnecessary.

And so my parents decided to get settled in here.

Change to 'move'

Now, I'm stuck in the place I called "purgatory" since I felt like slowly being burned to death. I felt like every person in my classroom giving me frowns and evil eyes. Not to mention that my seatmate kept muttering nonsense about being stuck with a freak.

So you switch tenses here, which makes it confusing. Don't.

I stared in the black board instead to pretend to not hear him.

at the blackboard...

His words had a certain blade in them that if I keep listening, wave of fury will erupt through my veins.

His cutting words made me feel like a wave of fury was about to erupt from within me.

a lot of torturing words of Biology.

I see what you're trying to say here, but it doesn't make sense.

They treat me like I have some kind of contagious disease or something for them to stay away from me like that. Well, what should I expect? I'm an outsider and I heard enough of their comments that I don't belong in here. That I'm not accepted here.

You switch tenses a lot. And you said 'I don't belong in here.' Get rid of the 'in'.

After getting my lunch, I decided to leave the cafeteria because my school mates mentioned something about losing their appetite when I'm around. But mostly/ And also, because all seats were taken.

I found an empty seat behind the small tree located beside the field. There were a lot of students crowded in the field but they wouldn'tnotice me here because the tree was big enough to hide me. I ate my lunch peacefully.

As I bite into my sandwich, I thought about my friends back in New Zealand. They're probably having a good time, unaware that their old friend is having a miserable life. I went to a multicultural school when I was living there so I didn't have trouble with being left out. Most of my friends were Asians so I get along with them pretty well.

Unlike in here. Asians were very rare in this country.

You switch tenses again. You need to keep them consistent.

That was when I saw her. I used to see her walking alone in the hallway, heads down and hands in fist. She was lightly tanned and she has long dark hair, waving along her back. Now, she 's sitting in the field, not a few feet away from me. As usual, her head was bent down, only for me to realize that she is reading a book, her eyebrows were mashed together like she was trying to not lose her temper.

Again, you change tenses a lot here. And not lose her temper? Perhaps you meant to say 'concentration'. It would sound better if you said 'she was trying to concentrate'

And she looked like somebody who doesn't belong in here, either.

Scratch the 'in'.


So, you've got an interesting story going on here. I can totally see the themes of racism and rejection painting an interesting read. You can do a lot with it, but you do have a lot to work to get there. So far, your character seems like the conventional reject. We got that he is a reject, but maybe a little more? Maybe tell us something else other than the fact that he's Asian and a reject.

Also, when you say multicultural school, don't you mean International? I go to one of those, so I was just wondering.

Good Luck, either way