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Fakebook- Chapter 3



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17 Reviews



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Points: 1000
Reviews: 17
Sun Dec 04, 2011 6:57 am
GawravMehta says...



Welcome to the world of Fakebook Oops! I mean Facebook where you testify the equation ‘Stranger + click = Friend’ every single day. But did you ever gave a thought, what if a single click could turn your world upside down and lead to miraculous co-incidences? Find you answer in this humorous tale of six intriguing characters- Eiggy Piggy(the fun floss), Nihasa(wayward weirdo), Aarav(happy-go-lucky lad), Khushi(girl next door), Ina(the bizarre beauty), and Fonty(all brawn-no brain guy) resonating with the beat of teenage and social networking. Though, estranged, they have overlapping existence with each other. Discover the shell-shocking revelation of shuffling fake identities cocooned in the warmth of friendship and love. The unpredictable turn of events and myriad of uncertainties are sure to whet your appetite to unfold a different shade of each character. Experience the other side of facebook and fun on the way to decipher the off-the-beaten track climax.

If you read this then I love you. If you comment then I love you eve more. :D

Chapter 3


A teenage girl with swirling skirt, artificially straightened hair and luscious lips swaggered through the corridors as if walking in trance. Tia a.k.a. Shorty, the school heartthrob and die-hard aspiring model moved with élan as if thinking her father, mayor of the city. You just couldn’t look away, all the girls were jeleous of her looks and the guys just wanted her so badly. Her loosened tie was dangling over her partially unbuttoned prefect fitting shirt while the imperfect size of her short skirt justified the nickname ‘Shorty’ given to her by the occupants of eleventh commerce section. She had managed little reputation in school owing to her escapades from classes and eligibility to break the Guinness record for having maximum number of flings.

Tia stood beside the pillar in the corridor critically discussing about the fashionistas and fashion disasters at the party last night with the member of her clique of elite girls who were too sophisticated to be described in words. She was one of girls, who used to be a big bitch, and still she was, but that is what made her popular. She was engrossed in passing comments when someone struck in her line of vision.

“Aarav!” she spoke in utter surprise as she found the losing contestant for the Head Boy post kneeling down in the corridor outside his classroom, his head sunk in shame.

Acting in stimulus towards the spectacle, she immediately ran towards her classroom to find Khushi-Aarav’s best friend and her very much disliked classmate and bench mate.

******


Numerous strands of silky straight hair fluttered over Khushi’s chubby cheeks while she hastily copied homework from notebook left flat open on the table. Her fair skin and bright eyes were a sight to look at adorned by beautiful smile and charming personality.

Tia hurried towards Khushi who was racing like Formula 1 driver to complete her pending homework before the free period ended.

“You seem in a hurry! Why didn’t you complete your homework?” Tia asked retaining in her self-composure zone.

“I had a religious ceremony last night at my house. I was so busy that’s why I could not complete the homework.” Khushi replied pleasantly in conjunction with copying down accounts sums. She hardly glanced at Tia even under her ominous presence. Free period would be over soon and she was running out of time.

“Oh! That’s poor… By the way, I saw your best friend kneeling down in the dusty corridor. I wonder how tacky it must be, and so unhygienic. Ewww!” Tia retorted in a snobbish tone which was her trademark style.

“What! Aarav has been punished? You should have informed me before!” Khushi stood up from her seat immediately, left her homework undone and in the process her skirt got caught in a nail tearing a bit of cloth at the edges of her skirt while Khushi being oblivious of it ran out of class to find Aarav.

“What about your homework?” Tia asked.

“Laterrr! He needs me.” Khushi shouted without turning back.

*******

Khushi and Aarav were the best friends that ever graced Planet Earth. They were peas and carrot since kinder garden when Aarav smiled at her and an inseparable bond formed between them. Khushi was a loyal friend, and Aarav loved her for that. Khushi in her entire school life was never seen talking to any other boy except Aarav. Many rumors had developed about their relation in school. Whenever asked, they both denied being anything more than friends with a laugh. In short, they both were inseparable.

“Khushi! You…” exclaimed Aarav with a hint of embarrassment.

“Tia told me about this…” her eyes became warm with instant sympathy.

“What happened? Why are you punished? What did you do? Are you knees hurting?” she showered a volley of questions upon him revealing her embedded care for him.

“Please go away, I can’t talk now. If teacher finds me talking, I would be doomed.” Aarav said pleading innocence.

“Who gave you punishment?” Khushi asked unrelenting.

“Goo!! I will meet you afterwards.”

“Ok! But don’t forget to meet me afterwards, I will be waiting. Take care!”

Khushi turned around and stomped out of the corridor filling the corridor with echoes of her footsteps while a fall of gloom shadowed her adorable child like face.

The tortuous time of ten minutes which seemed even longer with the digital wall ticking in the classroom finally culminated with Mrs. Bhattacharya stepping out of her classroom with her books and Aarav’s mobile. The rest of the students present in the corridor scattered in different directions like rats out of drowning TITANIC as she stepped towards Aarav.

“There’s test tomorrow and I would take special care about your marks,” she said as if warning him about the impeding danger.

Aarav stood up simultaneously cleaning the dust on the knee portion of his pants.

“I’m extremely sorry ma’am!” he said faking a sullen look while his mind pushed to utter, “Ghanta, I’m sorry!”

“You better be prepared,” she said coldly and handed him his mobile phone.

A glow emanated from Aarav’s face as he got his phone. He didn’t expect Lady Hitler to be returning his mobile phone so easily.
“Thank you ma’am! I won’t repeat it again,” he apologized trying to pacify her anger.

“Don’t thank me. I spare you since this was your first time. No mobiles again and if you dare then...” she threatened him with her cliché dialogue pushing her glasses further down towards her eyes.

Mrs. Bhattacharya disappeared towards the staffroom like steam in the air. Aarav immediately checked whether his phone was okay or not. To his surprise he found a small crack on the upper half of screen which displayed a distorted image of Megan Foxx in sexy black lingerie as wallpaper. He ignored the physical damage since it was the content of the phone that bothered him more. Aarav reassured himself to find no internal damage had been done.

Jay Devkar- his bench mate had just come out of the classroom finishing lectures. “JD come here!” Aarav shouted watching him coming out of class after lectures.

Anxious Aarav started questioning him. “When I was outside kneeling down, did the teacher do anything with my phone?”

“What?” Jay asked unable to understand the thought.

“Idiot! Did you see her browse the contents of my mobile phone?” Aarav asked anxiously.

“Yes!”

“Yes?” Aarav felt lost for a few seconds.

“Yeah,” Jay continued. “She showed wallpaper to the whole class and said, look what kind of wallpaper this boy keeps and the whole class was thrown into laughter.”

“Huh! That’s it?” Aarav asked eagerly.

“No, after that, she kept your mobile on the table,” he paused for a moment then continued “there were some messages or calls I guess, because it vibrated for some time before the teacher switched it off,”

“Message or call?”

“IDK,” Jay replied unsure. “Anyway, I'm going to lunch.”

Aarav was relieved to find out the teacher hadn't checked to see what he had actually been doing on his phone.

*****


Tia was carrying a pile of books from the library which blocked her view to a great extent. She was in hurry like a raging bull in a singular direction. Aarav was still busy staring at his mobile screen and browsing through it when he turned around and collided with Tia coming in his way. Aarav maneuvered his steps in style like a typical action movie hero, right on the time to reach for his phone while Tia’s books got scattered on the ground.

“I am so sorry!” Both said in synchronization. Their identity became known when both bent down to pick up the books and their glances met each other.

“Shorty! It’s you; I thought it was some hot chick.”

“Aarav, stop calling me Shorty like others- It’s so down-market.”

The guys in the proximity were lurking to have a closer look at Tia’s skirt and murmured something when she bent down. She had the envious reputation of being rated 9.5 in the LRP (Looks Rating Point) a common parameter used by the school boys to rate the hotness quotient of girls.

Tia kept staring at Aarav and sighed adoring his looks. She has a big crush on Aarav since the first time she noticed her curly hair-a big turn on for her.

“Chuck it! I am sorry,” he said grinning sheepishly. His eyes swept entire length of her body and he let out a low whistle. “You look lovely as usual in your extra short skirt. I guess your tailor was out of clothes.” Aarav said sarcastically.

“OMG! I broke my shimmer nail. No! It was in trendos, my entire ethnos look is ruined now because of you.” Tia groaned neglecting Aarav’s comment. The broken nail displaying an ethnic nail design imprint was her cause of concern which got sacrificed in the bombardment.

“Haha! Tia, you should write a dictionary translating English to girlish, I am sure you would make millions.” Aarav grinned at Tia’s ridiculous behavior.

Tia gave a fierce look expressing her disappointment. “You are responsible for this. Now you owe me a treat at canteen.” Tia said flirtatiously flashing her million dollar smile. She never missed chance to spend time with Aarav.
He sighed; running his hands nervously through his longs curls. “Sure, whatever princess wishes.” Aarav replied probably piercing the crush Tia had on him.

Tia laughed and he handed over the books to her while they headed towards the canteen.


To be continued... :D
Hope you enjoyed reading so far.
Spoiler! :
Donate couple of points to fellow depressed writer 'cause those who donate me. Motivate me!
  





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Points: 244
Reviews: 152
Sun Dec 04, 2011 6:46 pm
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Niebla says...



Hey GawravMehta,

I really enjoyed reading this!

But before I give a general review, I'll just point out a few minor errors I noticed in this.

A teenage girl with swirling skirt, artificially straightened hair and luscious lips swaggered through the corridors as if walking in trance. Tia a.k.a. Shorty, the school heartthrob and die-hard aspiring model moved with élan as if thinking her father, mayor of the city. You just couldn’t look away, all the girls were jeleous (spelling: this should be "jealous")of her looks and the guys just wanted her so badly. Her loosened tie was dangling over her partially unbuttoned prefect fitting shirt while the imperfect size of her short skirt justified the nickname ‘Shorty’ given to her by the occupants of eleventh commerce section. She had managed little reputation in school owing to her escapades from classes and eligibility to break the Guinness record for having maximum number of flings.

Tia stood beside the pillar in the corridor critically discussing about the fashionistas and fashion disasters at the party last night with the member of her clique of elite girls who were too sophisticated to be described in words. She was one of girls, who used to be a big bitch, and still she was, but that is what made her popular. She was engrossed in passing comments when someone struck in her line of vision.

“Aarav!” she spoke in utter surprise as she found the losing contestant for the Head Boy post kneeling down in the corridor outside his classroom, his head sunk in shame.

Acting in stimulus towards the spectacle, she immediately ran towards her classroom to find Khushi-Aarav’s best friend and her very much disliked classmate and bench mate.


******


Numerous strands of silky straight hair fluttered over Khushi’s chubby cheeks while she hastily copied homework from notebook left flat open on the table. Her fair skin and bright eyes were a sight to look at adorned by beautiful smile and charming personality.

Tia hurried towards Khushi who was racing like Formula 1 driver to complete her pending homework before the free period ended.

“You seem in a hurry! Why didn’t you complete your homework?” Tia asked retaining in her self-composure zone.

“I had a religious ceremony last night at my house. I was so busy that’s why I could not complete the homework.” Khushi replied pleasantly in conjunction with copying down accounts sums. She hardly glanced at Tia even under her ominous presence. Free period would be over soon and she was running out of time.

“Oh! That’s poor… By the way, I saw your best friend kneeling down in the dusty corridor. I wonder how tacky it must be, and so unhygienic. Ewww!” Tia retorted in a snobbish tone which was her trademark style.

“What! Aarav has been punished? You should have informed me before!” Khushi stood up from her seat immediately, left her homework undone and in the process her skirt got caught in a nail tearing a bit of cloth at the edges of her skirt while Khushi being oblivious of it ran out of class to find Aarav.

“What about your homework?” Tia asked.

“Laterrr! He needs me.” Khushi shouted without turning back.


*******

Khushi and Aarav were the best friends that ever graced Planet Earth. They were peas and carrot since kinder garden when Aarav smiled at her and an inseparable bond formed between them. Khushi was a loyal friend, and Aarav loved her for that. Khushi in her entire school life was never seen talking to any other boy except Aarav. Many rumors had developed about their relation in school. Whenever asked, they both denied being anything more than friends with a laugh. In short, they both were inseparable.

“Khushi! You…” exclaimed Aarav with a hint of embarrassment.

“Tia told me about this…” her eyes became warm with instant sympathy.

“What happened? Why are you punished? What did you do? Are you knees hurting?” she showered a volley of questions upon him revealing her embedded care for him.

“Please go away, I can’t talk now. If teacher finds me talking, I would be doomed.” Aarav said pleading innocence.

“Who gave you punishment?” Khushi asked unrelenting.

“Goo!! I will meet you afterwards.”

“Ok! But don’t forget to meet me afterwards, I will be waiting. Take care!”

Khushi turned around and stomped out of the corridor filling the corridor with echoes of her footsteps while a fall of gloom shadowed her adorable child like (I'd make this one word - childlike) face.

The tortuous time of ten minutes which seemed even longer with the digital wall ticking in the classroom finally culminated with Mrs. Bhattacharya stepping out of her classroom with her books and Aarav’s mobile. The rest of the students present in the corridor scattered in different directions like rats out of drowning TITANIC as she stepped towards Aarav.

“There’s test tomorrow and I would take special care about your marks,” she said as if warning him about the impeding danger.

Aarav stood up simultaneously cleaning the dust on the knee portion of his pants.

“I’m extremely sorry ma’am!” he said faking a sullen look while his mind pushed to utter, “Ghanta, I’m sorry!”

“You better be prepared,” she said coldly and handed him his mobile phone.

A glow emanated from Aarav’s face as he got his phone. He didn’t expect Lady Hitler to be returning his mobile phone so easily.
“Thank you ma’am! I won’t repeat it again,” he apologized trying to pacify her anger.

“Don’t thank me. I spare you since this was your first time. No mobiles again and if you dare then...” she threatened him with her cliché dialogue pushing her glasses further down towards her eyes.

Mrs. Bhattacharya disappeared towards the staffroom like steam in the air. Aarav immediately checked whether his phone was okay or not. To his surprise he found a small crack on the upper half of screen which displayed a distorted image of Megan Foxx in sexy black lingerie as wallpaper. He ignored the physical damage since it was the content of the phone that bothered him more. Aarav reassured himself to find no internal damage had been done.

Jay Devkar- his bench mate had just come out of the classroom finishing lectures. “JD come here!” Aarav shouted watching him coming out of class after lectures.

Anxious Aarav started questioning him. “When I was outside kneeling down, did the teacher do anything with my phone?”

“What?” Jay asked unable to understand the thought.

“Idiot! Did you see her browse the contents of my mobile phone?” Aarav asked anxiously.

“Yes!”

“Yes?” Aarav felt lost for a few seconds.

“Yeah,” Jay continued. “She showed wallpaper to the whole class and said, look what kind of wallpaper this boy keeps and the whole class was thrown into laughter.”

“Huh! That’s it?” Aarav asked eagerly.

“No, after that, she kept your mobile on the table,” he paused for a moment then continued “there were some messages or calls I guess, because it vibrated for some time before the teacher switched it off,”

“Message or call?”

“IDK,” Jay replied unsure. “Anyway, I'm going to lunch.”

Aarav was relieved to find out the teacher hadn't checked to see what he had actually been doing on his phone.


*****


Tia was carrying a pile of books from the library which blocked her view to a great extent. She was in hurry like a raging bull in a singular direction. Aarav was still busy staring at his mobile screen and browsing through it when he turned around and collided with Tia coming in his way. Aarav maneuvered his steps in style like a typical action movie hero, right on the time to reach for his phone while Tia’s books got scattered on the ground.

“I am so sorry!” Both said in synchronization. Their identity became known when both bent down to pick up the books and their glances met each other.

“Shorty! It’s you; I thought it was some hot chick.”

“Aarav, stop calling me Shorty like others- It’s so down-market.”

The guys in the proximity were lurking to have a closer look at Tia’s skirt and murmured something when she bent down. She had the envious reputation of being rated 9.5 in the LRP (Looks Rating Point) a common parameter used by the school boys to rate the hotness quotient of girls.

Tia kept staring at Aarav and sighed adoring his looks. She has a big crush on Aarav since the first time she noticed her curly hair-a big turn on for her.

“Chuck it! I am sorry,” he said grinning sheepishly. His eyes swept entire length of her body and he let out a low whistle. “You look lovely as usual in your extra short skirt. I guess your tailor was out of clothes.” Aarav said sarcastically.

“OMG! I broke my shimmer nail. No! It was in trendos, my entire ethnos look is ruined now because of you.” Tia groaned neglecting Aarav’s comment. The broken nail displaying an ethnic nail design imprint was her cause of concern which got sacrificed in the bombardment.

“Haha! Tia, you should write a dictionary translating English to girlish, I am sure you would make millions.” Aarav grinned at Tia’s ridiculous behavior.

Tia gave a fierce look expressing her disappointment. “You are responsible for this. Now you owe me a treat at the canteen.” Tia said flirtatiously, flashing her million dollar smile. She never missed chance to spend time with Aarav.
He sighed, running his hands nervously through his longs curls. “Sure, whatever princess wishes.” Aarav replied probably piercing the crush Tia had on him.

Tia laughed and he handed over the books to her while they headed towards the canteen.


There aren't really many, but I thought that I'd point out those things before I gave the general review. Overall, I did like this. It's not really the type of thing I would read, and I haven't read the previous chapters so I'm not sure exactly what's going on, but it did draw me in fairly well so I'd say it's quite well written. I'd revise it just a little bit and change a few sentences to make it read/flow better but overall, I didn't really notice many errors.

It also intrigued me enough to want to read the next/previous chapters.

“IDK,” Jay replied unsure. “Anyway, I'm going to lunch.”


I'm not too sure about this line. Does he literally say "IDK"? I don't think many people do actually talk in text speech like that, but I'm not sure whether or not this line is supposed to show how internet/mobile oriented the characters are. Still, I'd change it to "I don't know." I'd also get rid of the "unsure" because the dialogue you wrote before it already makes that part quite clear.

But as I already said, all those things are just minor details/nitpicks. I love the way this is written, and I can't see much wrong with it, though I think it could use just a tiny bit of revising. It creates a clear picture of what's happening, the dialogue is fairly realistic and it draws the reader in. What else could you ask for? :smt001

~MorningMist~
  





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17 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1000
Reviews: 17
Mon Dec 05, 2011 8:05 pm
GawravMehta says...



MorningMist,

Thank you! for you detailed feedback. It helped a lot and I really appreciate it. I'll try to improve myself as per you instruction :) Hope find other chapter equally interesting.
Spoiler! :
Donate couple of points to fellow depressed writer 'cause those who donate me. Motivate me!
  





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14 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 979
Reviews: 14
Tue Dec 06, 2011 1:57 am
greg925 says...



New characters, now I'm very intrigued. Sounds like there are about to be a lot of twists in this. Well, I'll say I don't really have much to critique, other than the usual literary mistakes and missing little words. Other than that, a nice introduction to the characters of Tia and Khushi. I sense a love triangle about to happen. But, I'll keep reading.
  





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Gender: None specified
Points: 1636
Reviews: 30
Tue Dec 06, 2011 7:34 am
Flyingchaos says...



Great new twist! I love new things!
You once again caught my interest with this chapter! I liked it. Not craaaazy about it... But it was GOOD!
Maybe a bit more variations and twistes would do some good.
Or maybe it's just me ;)
In short a great chapter with some great action :D
  








The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names.
— Chinese proverb