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A Reason for Fire, Chapter 2: Eas Quo



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Thu May 04, 2006 12:31 pm
Prosithion says...



It was late, the sky dark save for the moon and the fiery engines of the warships. They
rocketed away from Earth, their engines roaring at full speed. They headed away from thir
dying planet, travelling into the deep unknown of space. Their search for life would
begin, but it would be a long and bloody road and their vicious past would follow them to
the ends of the galaxy.

<><><><><>

Malik Andrews was sitting in church, joining in the special annual services. It was
the aniversary of the destruction of Earth and every year at this time, the churches held
special services. This service was different thought. This was the thousandth anniversery
of earth’s fiery destruction.
It was said that Earth hadn’t been destroyed, but that the surface had been scoured.
it was also said that some people survived and went underground to live. Malik was very
interested in the history of his people, and so read up on everything he could get his hands
on about Earth and its terrible end.
The priest up at the alter had finished and the other people were leaving, their
chatter filling the room. Malik stood up and moved out of the aisle, heading for the front
doors.
Malik called a taxi and it stopped at the curb. He got in and it lifted off, humming
away through the clouds. He told the driver his home address and the taxi shifted
direction slightly. The ride home was uneventful and Malik unlocked his apartment door,
and enetered the livingroom. He turned on the TV and went to the fridge for a soda. He
came back and sat on his sofa, flicking through the channels. He stopped on channel 1120
and watched the president give a speech to reporters. He sat there for a while, then turned
off the TV in a furious mood.
The president said, “ As of a few minutes ago, three of our outer rim stations were
attacked and burnt to the ground. We have stopped the culprits at Ireyuja, but our losses
were heavy. I am asking as many people as possible to volunteer. Help us beat back those
who would kill our family and friends. Thank you.”
Someone had dared attack them. It was unheard of. All of the races that the
Uluhor had come across had been peaceful and hadn’t tried to attack. But these creatures
were attacking them like they were the most powerful race in the galaxy. Malik went to
bed, his dreams plagued by phantoms, killing his family and friends.
The morning proved to be a sunny one and Malik’s mind was made up. He was
going to tell his parents where he was going, then he would leave.
Jenna and Malikar Kahliel lived in the suburbs of Wyrmer, a small city on the
eastern coast of Malik’s home planet, Eas Quo. It was a twenty minute shuttle ride and
Malik was soon on his parnet’s doorstep, his knuckles rapping on the door. His mother
opened the door.
“ Malik, We weren’t expecting you. Come on in. She gave him a hug an a kiss
and they walked into the livingroom where Malikar was sitting, watching the news.
“ Malik. How are you doing. Hows the city. Things have been quiet since you
moved out. Sit down.”
After some chitchat about the weather and such, Malik decided it was time to
break the news to them.
“ Guys, I have something to tell you.”
Malikar stopped halfway through a sip of coffee and set his cup down. “ What is
it?”
“ I’m volunteering for the aerospace force. I want to do my part to help defend us
against the invaders.”
“ Absolutely out of the question,” his father said, “ Look at what happened to your
uncle, Vissais.”
Malik’s uncle, on his mother’s side, had lost his legs in the aerospace force when
his ship crashed.
“ Why in heaven’s name would you want to do something like that. You could get
killed,” his mother said, her eyes wide with shock.
“ This is something I want to do. I don’t have anything to do for the rest of this
summer. I’ll only stay in until my required service time is up, then I’ll get out, I promise.”
His father regarded him for a moment and finally said with a resigned tone to his
voice, “ Alright. I can see that this is something you really want to do. So, do it. For all I
know, you could become a hero.”
Malik spent the rest of the morning there, and then once he had said his goodbyes,
he headed for the aerospace recruiting office in the city. He found it without much
trouble, a large blockish building right on the main street. He entered into a lobby with
several young men and women in lines. He got in the back of one and waited while the
line slowly moved up. Malik arrived at the front dask and looked down on a man in
aircorps fatigues, his bulldogish jowls jiggling whenever he moved.
“ I want to volunteer for the aerospace force.”
“ Sign here.” The man handed him a digitype pad and stylus.
Malik read throught the text on the pad, then signed his name. The man took it
back and looked up at him.
“ Report to Starbase 7 at 0200 in three days. Next!”
Three days later, Malik arrived on starbase 7, a small cube of metal in the middle
of nowhere, its hull silver in the light of the sun.
Malik got off the shuttle and was herded along with thirty other recruits into a
roughly straight line. There, they were screamed at by a drill seargent, and whoever didn’t
meet the instructer’s complete satisfaction was told to do fifty pushups.
So began Malik’s training as an aerospace pilot.

<><><><><>

The summer had passed with crawling speed and It was finally September. Malik
had just graduated from aerospace training and was officially a pilot.
In the four and a half months since Malik had left civilization, the foreign
invaders had decimated the ships of the Uluhor and were now winging their way to Eas
Quo, the main planet in the empire. Malik scowled as he left the graduatiuon cerimony
and the entirety of the base headed to the mess for dinner. There, they would get their first
briefing, before they were thrown nto the melee of battle.
“ Everyne, quiet down. I have an announcement to make. Listen up,” The base
commander said, his voice booming out over the rest of the chatter.
“ Tomorrow at 0700, this entire recruit regiment will ship out to Eas Quo. There,
we will engage the enemy and we will keep them from destroying Eas Quo.”
“Finally,” Malik’s best friend, Jorna, yelled.
“ Quiet.” The commander said, then continued, “ Tomorrow, I want you all to
fight your best. It is your duty to prtoect the people on Eas Quo. Good luck and God
speed.”
With that, the commander turned and walked away from the podium. After a
moment or two of silence, the chatter started again and Jorna nudged Malik’s shoulder.
“ Hey, dude, we actually get to kill something. I can’t wait.”
He pounded Malik on the back and headed off to the food dispensers to get some
food. Malik followed him and wondered how he could be so happy. Malik was sick to his
stomache.
The night was slow and Malik got no sleep. He had just dosed off when one of the
seargents, came down the lines and started smacking peoples legs. Malik groaned and
rolled over. The lights came up to full brightness and revealed that no one else had gotten
much sleep either. Malik got out of his bunk and dressed in his pilot fatigues. They again
went to the mess hall, bu this time, the tables were cleared away and in their place sat
several hundred chairs lined up in rows. Everyone took a chair and waited for what
seemed a long time. Finally, the commander came out and started calling off names. He
assigned everyone to specific transports and they were dismissed. It was 0630 and all of
the pilots headed for their designated transports. the ships themselves were very ugly,
largish insectoid looking ships with long pods slung under the fuselages. Malik followed
the other pilots up the ramp of his designated transport and sat down in a roller coaster
style seat, with the brace coming down over the shoulders.
There were two levels in four rows each in the pods and Malik moved up to the
second level in the third row. The inside of the pods were lit with red lights. Malik sat
down and the brace moved down over his shoulders and locked in. He couldn’t move and
he sensed that he’d be glad to have this brace when they were entering Eas Qou’s
atmosphere. It was some time before everyone was on board and when they all were,
Malik heard the large doors at the back of the pod close with a loud hum and then a clang.
The ship began to rumble and shake as the engines kicked in. He felt it lift and start
rocketing away on its huge boosters. Malik was slammed against his left side as the ship
gained speed. It thundered away from the station accompanied by the other three ships
and an escort of fighters.
It was a twelve hour ride and Malik used that time to sleep. He would need to be
alert during the upcoming battle. For the first tme since he joined the aerospace force, he
was afraid. He couldn’t explain it, but it nagged at him and he became quiet and morose
for a long time.
The landing at Eas Quo was rough and Malik was bruised and battered by the time
they finally landed at the landing port in Wyrmer. There, they were shown to a field of
smallish fighters. They were lined up in exact formation and the names of the pilots were
already written in black on the silver fuselages, right under the bubble cocpits. The ships
looked similar to the large transports, but were much sleeker and antennae pointing
backwards from different points on the ships. They looked like large wasps and Malik
rushed along with the ohers to find his ship. It wasn’t hard to find. Whoever had lined
them up had put them according to the pilot’s last name. Malik got int the cockpit of his
and it slid down over him, protecting him from the extremes of space. There was an
oxygen mask sitting on the arm rest beside him and he picked it up. It fit over his nose
and mouth, and he found that there was a radio in it. He put it on and it connected it to his
helmet. He flipped the visor of his helmet down and his face was completely covered. the
radio crackled and the Leutenant of the squadron said, “ Alright every one. Get familiar
with your ship. You’ve got five minutes. The designations for your ships are right above
the computer. Memorize them.”
Malik looked at the computer, and sure enough, the words RED 3 were printed in
bold letters. He took a deep breath and took hold of the joysticks on either handrest.
There was a fire button on the front of each joystick and a button on the top. Malik booted
up the computer and felt the engines engage, their hum steady and powerful. He pushed
the left joystick foreward and he felt the engine become louder. He puilled it back and the
sound died to a low hum. His thoughts were broken by the radio.
“ Alright. Here we go. I want you to stay in the formation that your ships are lined
up in. Follow me up.”
Way up at the front, a fighter rose smoothly and rocketed away into the sky. Malik
engaged his engines and pulled up on the right joystick. The ship smoothly rose and the
comuter kept an eye on the lead ship as Malik maneuvered his ship up into the sky. All
around him, there were other fighters rising and they seemed to move as one mass. Way
off to Malik’s right, two ships collided, their fuselages cracking together. Seconds later, a
fireball was all that remained of the two ships.
“ Did you see that?” Jorna yelled through Malik’s raio.
“ Cut the chatter.” The leutenant said, and Jorna fell silent.
The ride throught the atmoshere was rough and bumpy, but no other ships crashed
and soon they were out, the vast blackness of space filling Malik’s vision. There, they
stopped, their ships clicking over to autpilot. Malik took his hands off the joysticks and
looked around at the inside of his ship. The red light from the back gave Malik a clear
view of the computer and other navigational equipment.
It was only an hour or two before the enemy showed up, their ships black and
boxy. They stopped three millon kilometers out and formed a similar formation to that of
the squadron Malik was in.
Suddenly, their engines engaged and they came roaring towards the wall of
insectoid ships.
“ Go!” The lieutenant’s voice echoed throught their headsets.
Malik shoved the left stick foreward and his ship leapt as it rocketed towards the
advancing enemies. Instanly, the laser bolts started flying. They crackled past Malik and
detonated in or behind the other ships. All around, wasp like ships were dodging laser
bolts and firing back. Malik held down both of the front buttons on his joysticks and
crimson laser bolts streaked out from under his wings. He slammed the left stick to the
side and his ship skittered left, passing other ships from his squadron. It was then that the
enemy ships hit them. It was impossible to tell friend from foe and Malik started firing,
his lasers cutting through metal and sending ships careening away.
Malik soon found out that the top buttons on his joysticks released fragmentation
bmbs which cut huge pockets of space in the fields of enemy ships. Suddenly, an
explosion close on his left side sent Malik’s ship careening through the battle. He scraped
along the top of a really big ship and finally, he got his ship under control, but there was
no power. All the computer and radio equipment was out and the engines weren’t
responding. Malik’s ship rolled slowly, then bounced out of the fray just as another bomb
exploded beside him. Malik’s ship was losing pressure rapidly and he slammed a red
switch near the bottom of his seat.
The whole cabin area and nose section of Malik’s fight sprung off from the
damaged fuselage. Small thrusters kicked in behind him and his ship did a sumersalt and
re-entered the atmosphere, what was left of the computer system taking Malik back to the
point of liftoff. He remained still as his ship ground to a halt on the landing field. Medics
and technicians ran up to his ship, and Malik released the seals on the cabin and the top
slowly slid open. He looked up into the evening sky and saw the flashes of the battle still
going on up above him. Then, Malik’s world went black, and he remembered nothing for
a long time afterwards.
"wub wub wub wub. Now Zoidberg is the popular one."

"Computer... Captain's musk"
  





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Thu May 04, 2006 8:30 pm
Dream Deep says...



Proofread the spaces. Now. Get to it.

Nice. But these are my feelings over the ending: :smt021 ](*,) :smt062

So abrupt, was there really a point?
Also, just a teeny tiny bit cliched, don't you think?

Then, Malik's world went black, and he remembered nothign for a long time afterwards.


But then, I told you that before you posted it.
Please do not get offended - this was not one your better ones. Way too abrupt.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 5890
Reviews: 504
Thu Sep 07, 2006 5:14 am
Dream Deep says...



(spacing, mon frere...?) ^_^
  





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Reviews: 12
Sat Nov 11, 2006 10:34 pm
L says...



ok here goes again:

- I think this sounds a lot like a 'flashback' or a 'example?' i dont know how to explain what its like in my head, but it was kind of fast going again.

- You said malik many times, and the beginning isn't all too grabbing. But that's easily changed

-I like the description at the end. I think its one of the best parts in the chapter. Well i actually think the whole storyline for the chapter is very good buts its like you've killed off 2 different storylines in 2 chapters.
Unless thats the point lol

-I think his feleings could be described better. The whole feeling sick thing and the rest of the squad feeling blissfull about the whole idea of killing people could be elabortated (is that the right word?)
see why am i reviewing this when i have no grammar whatsoever?



im angry, im going to bed lol
Siggys' suck, I don't know what to say about myself. Doopeydoo...
  





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Reviews: 820
Wed Jan 31, 2007 1:41 pm
Myth says...



Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

They headed away from thir dying planet, travelling into the deep unknown of space. Their search for life would begin, but it would be a long and bloody road and their vicious past would follow them to the ends of the galaxy.


‘thir’ = their

Since it takes place in space I think ‘road’ could be replaced by ‘
journey’.

Malik Andrews was sitting in church, joining in the special annual services. It was the aniversary of the destruction of Earth and every year at this time, the churches held special services. This service was different thought. This was the thousandth anniversery of earth’s fiery destruction.


‘aniversary’ and ‘anniversery’ = anniversary

Earth should have a capital ‘E’. You can change the bold ‘service’ to ‘
ceremony’.

It was said that Earth hadn’t been destroyed, but that the surface had been scoured. it was also said that some people survived and went underground to live.


Capitalise ‘I’ in ‘it’.

The priest up at the alter had finished and the [s]other people were leaving[/s] congregation began to leave, their chatter [s]filling[/s] filled the [s]room[/s] church?.


^^^ See quote

The ride home was uneventful and Malik unlocked his apartment door, and enetered the livingroom.


‘enetered’ = entered, ‘livingroom’ = living room

He stopped [s]on channel[/s] at 1120 and watched the president give a speech to reporters.


^^^ See quote

The president said, “ As of a few minutes ago, three of our outer rim stations were attacked and burnt to the ground. We have stopped the culprits at Ireyuja, but our losses were heavy. I am asking as many people as possible to volunteer. Help us beat back those who would kill our family and friends. Thank you.”


Since Malik switched the TV off it should be: The president had said ...

Someone had dared attack them. It was unheard of. All of the races that the Uluhor had come across had been peaceful and hadn’t tried to attack. But these creatures were attacking them like they were the most powerful race in the galaxy.


Maybe: But these creatures were assaulting/striking ...

His mother opened the door.


To avoid repetition of ‘door’ try something like: His mother welcomed him.

“ Malik, We weren’t expecting you. Come on in. She gave him a hug an a kiss and they walked into the livingroom. [s]where[/s] His father, Malikar, was sitting, watching the news.


‘We’ doesn’t need to have a capital ‘W’.
‘an’ = and
You’ve forgotten to use the end speech mark too and see the other suggestions.


“ Malik. How are you doing. Hows the city. Things have been quiet since you
moved out. Sit down.”


Try making this a little more realistic. His father simply jumps on him with so much in one piece of dialogue. You could have Malik answering to give the reader an idea of who he is and what he does and, perhaps, how old he is. I’m imagining him to be a teenager but I might be wrong.

“ This is something I want to do. I don’t have anything to do for the rest of this summer. I’ll only stay in until my required service time is up, then I’ll get out, I promise.”


You could have ‘I promise’ as a separate sentence.

His father regarded him for a moment and finally said with a resigned tone to his voice, “ Alright. I can see that this is something you really want to do. So, do it. For all I know, you could become a hero.”


I think his father gives in too easily. This is like the army, right? His parents should be concerned, especially if an uncle had lost his leg—maybe this is something his parents can use to stop him going. Have a little conflict, decisions always cause arguments, I should know.

He [s]got in the back of one[/s] stood in queue and waited while the line slowly moved up.


^^^ See quote

Malik arrived at the front dask and looked down on a man in aircorps fatigues, his bulldogish jowls jiggling whenever he moved.


‘dask’ = desk

Malik read throught the text on the pad, then signed his name. The man took it back and looked up at him.


‘throught’ = through

“ Report to Starbase 7 at 0200 in three days. Next!”

Three days later, Malik arrived on starbase 7, a small cube of metal in the middle of nowhere, its hull silver in the light of the sun.


Since you have capitalize ‘S’ in Starbase you should continue here.

Malik got off the shuttle and was herded along with thirty other recruits into a roughly straight line. There, they were screamed at by a drill seargent, and whoever didn’t meet the instructer’s complete satisfaction was told to do fifty pushups.


‘seargent’ = sergeant, ‘instructer’s’ = instructor’s

I think you can replace ‘whoever’ with ‘
those who’.

The summer had passed with crawling speed and It was finally September.


‘It’ shouldn’t be capitalised.

Malik scowled as he left the graduatiuon cerimony and the entirety of the base headed to the mess hall [s]for dinner[/s]. There, they would get their first briefing, before they were thrown nto the melee of battle.


‘graduatiuon cerimony’ = graduation ceremony, ‘nto’ = into?

Everyne, quiet down. I have an announcement to make. Listen up,” The base commander said, his voice booming out over the rest of the chatter.


‘Everyne’ = Everyone

“ Tomorrow at 0700, this entire recruit regiment will ship out to Eas Quo. There, we will engage the enemy and we will keep them from destroying Eas Quo.”


You can replace Eas Quo with ‘our home’?

“It is your duty to prtoect the people on Eas Quo. Good luck and God speed.”


‘prtoect’ = protect

He pounded Malik on the back and headed off to the food dispensers to get some food. Malik followed him and wondered how he could be so happy. Malik was sick to his stomache.


‘stomache’ = stomach

The night was slow and Malik got no sleep. He had just dosed off when one of the seargents, came down the lines and started smacking peoples legs. Malik groaned and rolled over. The lights came up to full brightness and revealed that no one else had gotten much sleep either. Malik got out of his bunk and dressed in his pilot fatigues. They again went to the mess hall, bu this time, the tables were cleared away and in their place sat several hundred chairs lined up in rows.


‘seargents’ = sergeants, ‘bu’ = by

I think ‘peoples’ should be ‘
recruits’.

For the first time since [s]he joined [/s]joining the aerospace force, he was afraid.


^^^ See quote

They were lined up in exact formation and the names of the pilots were already written in black on the silver fuselages, right under the bubble cocpits.


‘cocpits’ = cockpits

They looked like large wasps and Malik rushed along with the ohers to find his ship.


‘ohers’ = others

He pushed the left joystick foreward and he felt the engine become louder. He puilled it back and the sound died to a low hum.


‘foreward’ = forward, ‘puilled’ = pulled

*

Things you could work on are when Malik is in queue at the recruiting office. Does he meet anyone else? Does he talk to the other people in line? Overhear any interesting conversations?

Sometimes you tend to leave things out, like I said about the conflict you could have included when Malik tells his parents about his decision to join the aerospace force.

And other characters like his friend, you don’t give him (or her?) anything to go with, the character has no background and the reader doesn’t really get to see their friendship, you’ve simply said they are friends and that is that. So that is something you need to work on.

You have quite a few spelling mistakes. Towards the end you can find them easily, and, as L said, you should try not to repeat ‘Malik’ so often.

I don’t see how this connects with the first part where there were the fire creatures (can’t remember the name) and the scientist.

-- Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'
  








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