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It's Too Late Now - Episode Four



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Tue Feb 27, 2007 6:32 pm
sokool15 says...



"Come on, Sarah. We don't have much time,"

Marie prodded my side. I was sitting on the white exam table, trying to collect my thoughts and make some sense, some order to this madness. First Valerian was my love, next he was my enemy. Which was it? I sighed.

"This isn't as easy as it looks, you know, Marie. Have some consideration for my poor brains...or what's left of them."

She twisted a piece of her long hair around her finger and looked at me anxiously.

"I know it isn't easy. I went through this exact thing not so long ago. But the boss knows that Valerian brought you in, and will be expecting you within half an hour. What can I do to help hasten your decision?"

I laughed a mocking, humorless laugh.

"How about a little more proof,"

I said, not expecting her to answer. She studied me for a moment, then nodded.

"Very well. I will make you a bet. I bet you that Valerian is at this moment flirting with one of his ten 'girlfriends' that he has scattered around this place. I bet you that he won't even remember you until either you fling himself into his arms or the boss chews him out because you've refused to go through with the Process."

I nodded, pinching my lips together to press down my automatic surge of protests at this insult to Valerian's honor. No need to waste precious time or breath with insults.

"Show me," I said simply.

Marie leaned over to the wall and flipped the small white switch back on. She spoke to the wall in a commanding voice;

"Please give me a visual on Valerian Hardgrove and his surroundings. Permission of the boss."

I waited an instant, then looked up, startled, as a small screen appeared on the wall. Marie beckoned me closer and we both leaned in, studying the small pictures of Valerian...kissing a tall, blond girl who looked ecstatic to see him again. I groaned and knelt on the floor, pressing my hands to my eyes.

"No, no, no, no. Valerian loves me."

My voice sounded childish, petulant, even to my own ears. I sighed and sat back up. I gazed at Marie and she looked steadily back at me. Finally I threw up my hands and stood.

"Very well," I said, blinking back angry tears. "You win. Valerian doesn't love me and he's an evil flirt who lured me here for his own personal gain. I won't go through with the Process. Now what?"

Marie's shoulders and back sank down loosely in a release of tension that I hadn't even known existed there before. She smiled at me, and I realized that her other smiles had been merely imitations of the expression, and that Valerian's empty laughter and blue eyes were nothing compared to the comforting, understanding and friendly warmth that I saw in Marie. She clasped my hand in a firm shake, then turned off the switch on the wall. The screen disappeared off the wall. She turned to me.

"I am so glad you have made this decision. You won't regret it. But still, we have little time in which to do much. I will lead you to the back way and give you means of getting to the forest where my friend Jacob lives. He may be able to get you back to Earth, but if he cannot do that he can at least protect you until I can find a way to come out and visit you two again."

She grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the door. I shook her off and looked at her reproachfully.

"I can walk, you know. I'll follow you."

We ran down the hallway, and I was glad that we were both in bare feet. We rocked from heel to toe, the quietest way to travel, and made no noise on the wood and tile floors of the Administration's Office. We made three turns, and each hallway led steeply down. The light got dimmer and dimmer, until finally I reached forward and grabbed Marie's elbow.

"I admit," I gasped, panting. "I need to hold on to you. I'll lose you in this murkiness!"

She grinned back at me, teeth flashing in the dark hallway.

"It's all right...we're almost there."

I didn't have a chance to ask where it was that we were almost to, because before I could ask, we had already arrived. The place was a huge underground parking lot of sorts, and was built of cement, like the ones back at Earth. It was cold, and my bare feet curled away from the dusty cement. Marie was looking around hurriedly, trotting from one vehicle to the next, inspecting them. They all looked like big, strange motorcycles.

"Ah, Sarah! Come get this one, hurry!"

Marie had apparently found one to her liking, because she came running to get me. The vehicle she showed me had a black, dusty body and a sharp nose that came out over the front wheel. There were guns mounted on each side of the wide seat, and it looked comfortable but dangerous. She handed me a long, thin piece of metal that was most likely the key.

"Would it make any difference if I said I don't have my license yet?" I asked, sizing up the formidable bike.

Marie frowned.

"Can you drive?"

I nodded.

"I know how, but...oh, fine. Help me up," I said as I realized the bike's seat was higher off the ground than it looked.

She gave me a light boost and patted my knee. I stuck the key into the keyhole and turned it. There was no sound. I frowned and turned it again. Marie grinned.

"Sarah, it's a silent motor. That's why I picked it. You can call this bike the Eagle. Kind of a typical name, but it's the fastest of this whole lot. Come on, follow me out. Just press that pedal on the right down carefully, once. A little nudge will be enough."

I took a deep breath and tapped down the gas. Even though the motor made no sound whatsoever, the bike boosted forward smoothly on my command. I followed Marie up the cement driveway, through the ranks of motorcycles, and as we went it got lighter and lighter again. Finally we reached the top and I started as I saw that the driveway opened just in front of the metal gates we had entered by. I hadn't seen it when I had come in. Marie looked around carefully. Then she smiled at me.

"Now, all you have to do is drive through the gate; the Eagle will go through easily. Then drive straight on the main road until you get past the town. People may try to stop you, but you'll be going too fast for them to do any good. Once you get past the last house in the town, go straight for about fifty miles. After thirty miles you will reach a forest of large, dark trees. Don't stop in this forest until you reach a clearing that holds a small, triangular house made of green brick. When you get to this house, drive straight up to the door, then yell, 'Jacob, I'm sent by Marie.' He'll open the door and you can explain to him the story. If he's not home, put the bike someplace hidden and wait behind the house. I'll come and check on you as soon as I can."

I nodded, took a deep breath, and pressed my foot down hard on the bright silver pedal. I almost fell off the back as the Eagle shot forward, a sudden acceleration of fifty miles an hour. I scarcely noticed as we burst the lock on the door, as the Eagle's nose cut through the wire like a knife cutting through soft butter. We shot down the road, and I turned briefly to wave at Marie, but she was gone. I turned forward and felt a hand grip my leg. I panicked and pressed down on the gas as hard as I could. I ducked my head as the wind pushed at my face. The houses and people were a blur. I risked a quick glance at the speedometer, and gaped at the flashing number - 120 MPH. I shook my head and turned forward again, to see that I had passed the last house. Now I was going through scenery so fast I felt like I was in double fast forward. I leaned forward, and my eyes, even behind the protective goggles, were smarting.

It seemed like no time at all until the large forest was looming up in front of me. I remembered what Marie had said, so I didn't stop. I was forced to slow down to a more dignified speed of 85 when the road became more twisty and narrow. I slowed down even more as I saw, after a short time, the steady approach of a large clearing. Peering through the trees, I glimpsed a small, three-cornered house made entirely of green material. The roof was flat and made of green glass. I turned off the road and careened down the embankment, crashed through the bushes at the edge of the clearing and drove right up through the door.

"Oh, hurray, a weird fairy tale where someone actually follows directions,"

I muttered, thinking of all the ones I'd read where the prince is told to take the plain things but he can't resist the fancy ones. I came up to the door and tried to remember whether Marie had said anything about knocking. I didn't think so, so I shouted from the doorway,

"Jacob, I was sent by Marie!"

There was a long silence when I checked the house to make sure it was triangular and green, and that I hadn't made a mistake. Then I heard the creak of the door and turned around with a sigh of relief.

"You're Jacob?"

A very tall boy with brown hair and a very cute face was peering at me suspiciously.

"You say Marie sent you?"

I nodded and glanced behind me, eager to get myself and my bike out of sight.

"Yes. If you could let me in, I'll give you the whole story. Marie told me you could hide me here until she comes to visit."

He stared at me for a moment, then nodded slowly and stepped out of the doorway, holding the green wooden door open for me.

"Come on in, then, and explain what's going on."

I took a deep breath, and before I could think of any excuses to stop myself, I stepped ins
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein
  





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Wed Feb 28, 2007 11:42 am
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Myth says...



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*

She twisted a piece of her long hair around her finger and looked at me anxiously.


‘piece’ is wrong, I know what you’re trying to say, but can’t seem to remember how to go about writing it.

"How about a little more proof,"

I said, not expecting her to answer.


These should be together as it was Sarah who had spoken.

She studied me for a moment, then nodded.

"Very well. I will make you a bet. I bet you that Valerian is at this moment flirting with one of his ten 'girlfriends' that he has scattered around this place. I bet you that he won't even remember you until either you fling himself into his arms or the boss chews him out because you've refused to go through with the Process."


These should also be together where Marie is the speaker. Also there is the repetition of ‘bet’ and the second sentence is a little long-winded.

Marie beckoned me closer and we both leaned in, studying the small pictures of Valerian...kissing a tall, blond girl who looked ecstatic to see him again.


‘pictures’ should be ‘picture’ since there is only one image.

"No, no, no, no. Valerian loves me."


I think you can take out one ‘no’.

My voice sounded childish, petulant, even to my own ears.


Maybe: I sounded ... rather than her voice?

She grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the door. I shook her off and looked at her reproachfully.

"I can walk, you know. I'll follow you."


Lol, I liked that, something one of my characters would have said.

We rocked from heel to toe, the quietest way to travel, and made no noise on the wood and tile floors of the Administration's Office.


‘tile’ = tiled

The place was a huge underground parking lot of sorts, and was built of cement, like the ones back at Earth.


I don’t know if I told you or not but this is one of my pet-peeves. Do not ever, ever use ‘sort of’ in writing! It is only supposed to be for dialogue, sort of gives the impression you, as the writer, are not too sure how to go about describing something. Other words to avoid are: somehow, some kind of.

"Now, all you have to do is drive through the gate; the Eagle will go through easily. Then drive straight on the main road until you get past the town. People may try to stop you, but you'll be going too fast for them to do any good. Once you get past the last house in the town, go straight for about fifty miles. After thirty miles you will reach a forest of large, dark trees. Don't stop in this forest until you reach a clearing that holds a small, triangular house made of green brick. When you get to this house, drive straight up to the door, then yell, 'Jacob, I'm sent by Marie.' He'll open the door and you can explain to him the story. If he's not home, put the bike someplace hidden and wait behind the house. I'll come and check on you as soon as I can."


I don’t know about Sarah but I’m confused. This is too much, in my opinion, to take in especially in a place Sarah has no knowledge about. Find an easier way for Marie to explain or have a computer installed into the bike to get her there.

I scarcely noticed as we burst the lock on the door, as the Eagle's nose cut through the wire like a knife cutting through soft butter. We shot down the road, and I turned briefly to wave at Marie, but she was gone.


Since only Sarah is going, there is no need for the ‘we’.

I was forced to slow down to a more dignified speed of 85 when the road became [s]more[/s] twisty and narrow.


It would be better to use: twisted

"You're Jacob?"

A very tall boy with brown hair and a very cute face was peering at me suspiciously.


Oh, I don’t know. Val was cute, and here is another guy and she’s already starting to fancy him?

I took a deep breath, and before I could think of any excuses to stop myself, I stepped ins


‘ins’ = inside
*

Hello again!

About Sarah’s feelings. Would she really fall so fast for a guy just because of his looks, and even when she is taken to another place she still likes him. She wouldn’t really be upset to see him with another girl, after all, if he’s ‘hot’ then surely she must be aware that there would be a handful of girls after him—and he is likely to go for all of them too.

I just think she falls for him so easily.

You are improving as you write each chapter, just remember what I said about taking your time.

-- Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'
  








This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.
— T.S. Eliot