Young Writers Society

Prologue


A young girl draped in rags looked carefully over the corner of the wall, and saw that the door to the next apartment was ajar. Her muscles tightened as she considered going inside. She hadn't eaten for three days, the longest time yet, and she didn't think she could last any longer. She looked around again. There was no one about, she had to be alone.

Carefully stepping out into the open, the girl checked one more time to make sure no one was there. Still clear. Silently, she walked across the street towards the open door, many scraps of trash dancing in the wind around her. The dark asphalt was foreboding in the twilight, and it sent a shiver through the girl's body. The sun had barely risen above the old decaying buildings, and the girl figured that whoever lived in the apartment hadn't come home the previous night. No one left their doors open here. No one.

She made it across the street and was standing face to face with the door, which was open a good five inches. She crept closer to the crack and cautiously peeked inside. She saw one couch, one small beat-up T.V sitting on the floor in front of it, and...a fridge. Her stomach churned with hunger as she imagined what sort of delicious things could be waiting for her inside it.

Slowly, and with trembling hands, she widened the crack just enough so that her slender body could slip inside.Inside, the hard tile under her feet was ice cold, and she quickly stepped over to the fridge and grabbed the handle. The fridge door made a loud creaking noise as she pulled it open. As she looked inside, she was devastated to find only two beer bottles rolling around the white rack. Nothing to eat.

She looked around the small kitchen, looking for anything that could pass as food. She was desperate, she would eat anything. Kneeling down, she searched through all the drawers and cupboards, scanning inside them for any scraps or morsels. Then she saw it. In the corner of one of the smaller drawers, small piece of hardened bread lay forgotten. The girl didn't know how long it had been there but she didn't care. She reached her hand inside and gingerly removed the small delicacy, greedily devouring it, savoring the feeling of food going down her throat. She knew it wasn't nearly enough. But it was something, though.

Then she heard the door open fully and shut. A familiar rush of adrenaline surged though her body. She wasn't alone anymore.The girl knew what was coming, but that didn't make it any better.

"Stealing my food, you filthy girl?" came a roar from behind her. Wincing, the girl quickly got up to face the large old man who was advancing towards her.

"Please, I'm sorry," she said desperately, backing up against the fridge. The old man struck the girl across the face, and the impact shook her to the core. She collapsed on the floor, holding the side of her face with her hand. The girl didn't scream. She knew better than to scream, it would only make him angrier.

"What the hell are you doing here, eh?" he screamed. The girl just stared at the floor and let the hot tears flow. She wanted to dissapear, just to leave this stupid world. "Answer me, you piece of shit!" he yelled, and pulled her up from the floor by her rags. She only stared at the floor and started to sob, waiting for it to end.

The old man dragged her across the ground to the closed door and threw her up against it. The girl felt the pain shoot through her shoulder, and she continued to sob, not once looking up at him. "Get out!" he yelled. She didn't hesitate. The girl hurriedly grabbed the doorknob and twisted it open, trying to escape the man's grasp as fast as she could. She was almost outside. But then old man pushed her out at the last second, sending her sprawling on the hard asphalt outside.

The girl landed on her face as she heard the door slam shut, sending a deafening boom throughout the street that echoed all around her. She lifted her blackened face and felt blood on her cheek. It burned terribly. She tried to wipe the tears from her eyes as she got up, and felt her knees start to buckle. The adrenaline was starting to wear off, and her hunger induced weakness returned. The girl walked back to the wall she was hiding behind before, and continued deep into the alley, until she found a corner of the wall that was still in shadows.

She sat down against the wall and finished her sobbing, wishing she hadn't listened to her stomach. After all that hell she still wasn't even close to being full, and felt weaker than ever.

As her heavy heaves dwindled down to sniffles, she looked down to the back of her left hand, where she saw the dark circle that haunted her in her nightmares.

"It's all your fault," she said, and began crying bitterly again. She found some mud to the side of her, and scooped up a pile and spread all over her left hand, until the circle was covered up. The girl looked up toward the sky, and let the oncoming sun dry her tear stained face.

She then laid on the ground, exhausted. She put her head on her right hand, and pulled her legs up to her chin, letting her left hand hang behind them, still covered with mud.

As she began to drift off to sleep, the sun shone fully, covering her in a blanket of warmth. And even though her body ached from bruises and cuts, she still felt some glimmer of hope. Drifting off to sleep, she would leave this dark, cold world behind her and enter a land of shimmering flowers and flowing golden rivers. A place where she could still find joy, even when despair threatened to drown her.

Her dreams.

This was very good! Your style is smooth and flowing and gives the reader a very clear image of what was going on. Your characters so far are believable and the feelings of the little girl seem strong and well structured. I only have a few things to say...

could slip inside.Inside, the hard tile under her feet was ice cold, and she quickly stepped over to the fridge and grabbed the handle.

First of all make a space between the period and the inside, underlined here. Second find another word for that second sentence, besides "inside".

As her heavy heaves dwindled down to sniffles, she looked down to the back of her left hand, where she saw the dark circle that haunted her in her nightmares.

ooooohh... Intriguing!!

Okay, lastly, I feel that a prologue should have a little more action. In my opinion a prologue should begin with a murder or something. A prologue is a prolonged hook and should demonstrate to the reader exactly what the author is capable of. Your p. has some intrigue as I've said before, but really doesn't grip me and pull me into your story violently. I still want to read more bcause of that black spot but... You know what I'm talking about?

Anyways. Superb. PM me when the rest comes out. WRITE ON!

-Kylan

Hey Magic, nice to see you around here still.

All right. I recall critting I think it was the first chapter. On to the prologue:

It felt somewhat mechanical. It wasn't so much the word choice, I think, as the sentence structure. I know what I tend to do a lot is avoid passive sentences and that gets me in trouble because then I sound very mechanical and the piece just doesn't flow as well. One of the problems you have here is that since you haven't named your main character, you have to use 'she' or 'the girl' a lot. The phrase 'the girl' starts to get really redundant really quickly. I would try to cut down on those and instead start your sentences with other things than a 'he did/she did' manner. I don't really know what else to say about how to fix your piece from being mechanical, except that you just need to play it by ear and listen for that flow.

I think we need more from the girl in how hungry she actually was. If you can somehow find a refreshingly new way to show her hunger, than we will be more likely to sympathize and it will carry the prologue farther. I enjoyed it for what it was, but I'm feeling that it's a little short and there's not enough for us to keep with the story. Like Kylan said, the circle is definitely intriguing, so perhaps you could allude to it throughout the prologue?

Good luck. Happy editing. And welcome back!

This is pretty good Magic. I think that I do agree with Kylan, though, as the beginning needs a tad more action. PLEASE!! continue to write on this. It is very interesting.

I thought it was excellent. It does flow so it's easy to follow and read. I agree with everyone else. Just work on your word choice and it should be fine.

I liked this! Congratulations on a piece well done. I do agree with what the others say, but I enjoyed reading it nonetheless. Did you say there was more? Lead me to it!

A young girl draped in rags looked carefully over the corner of the wall

This beginning is not *pardon my frankness* very good. It's doesn't really catch your attention or hit you with a bang. I think this is because you start it with a description. Taking the time to describe the young girls' clothing takes away from the instant action you need for this piece. Perhaps if you just said, "She looked carefully over the corner of the wall" and didnt' say anything about her until later. Then you could say something like,

"She drew the rags that served as her clothing more tightly around her emaciated young body and started forward"

That would help your beginning. And so, having taken many words to say something very small, as usual, I take my leave. Au revoir!

Well, great. My crit is gone so I'm just gonna give you advice now.

Descriptions. Your's are great. really Brilliant. I just suggest trimming them a bit. Make your words flow more instead of being so straight and narrow. It seems a tad blocky right now.

I like the Girl. She seems well thought out to me. And the last paragraph made me think she was gonna die before you wrote in her dreams. Would have been a nifty Cliff hanger if you had left out the last line.

This Crit has been brought to you by the CCF.

Hi there magicman, love the story so far. Just a few specific points first -

In the corner of one of the smaller drawers, a small piece of hardened bread lay forgotten.

But it was something, though. [This is practically a double negative and the though takes the emphasis away. Use but or though but not both if you want to have a bigger impact.]

But then the old man pushed her out at the last second, sending her sprawling on the hard asphalt outside.

__________________

Other than that, this was well written, descriptive and I can't wait to read more after hearing your ideas.

Thanks so much for all the feedback.

I'm in the process of rewriting the prologue and working on finishing the first draft, so I'll keep in mind everything that was said.


MM

Alright, here's the rewrite for the prologue. I'll leave the original one up for comparisons. And I actually had to force myself to write this, which meant it came out dead slow. I may rewrite this again, so I mostly want feedback on the changes in plot I made.
***

An inch.

That’s how far the door was open. Only an inch. All it took was a push to get inside. And inside would be a kitchen.

With food.

A gnawing pain churned inside her abdomen. She crouched in the middle of the street, eyeing the door’s glowing crack. Her dirtied rags covered her like a cloak, making her blend into the darkness.

It was late. The moon shined on the trash filled alleyway. The air was stale, and silence smothered the place like a blanket. Nothing stirred except for the gentle rustle of newspapers on the asphalt.

Hope trickled throughout her body. She crawled across the street and over the sidewalk, finally stopping in front of the fading blue door. Its indigo paint was peeling. A grunt came from inside.

She jerked back from the door, ready to run back into the safety of the night. But nothing else stirred. The silence reigned more heavily than ever. She came closer and put her ear against the door. No one was moving inside.

Slowly, she pushed the door open. It creaked loudly, but it was no matter. Inside, seated in front of a beat-up television, was a large man. Asleep.

The girl felt a large knot being pulled tight inside her stomach. Hesitantly, she crept inside, thankful for the thin carpet that lay in the doorway. Besides the cramped living room, there was a crude kitchen, complete with mini-fridge and cupboard.

She went for the cupboard, and opened it as quietly as possible. It was almost bare. A empty bag of chips lay crushed in the corner, next to an oozing can of soup. But on the bottom shelf there was a loaf of bread.

Her stomach churned again. She grabbed for the bread, and immediately took a large bite out of it. It melted in her mouth. She savored every crumb. Being the only thing she had eaten in days, it was beyond delicious.

A gust of wind suddenly blew through the apartment. The girl thought nothing of it at first, but then a sickening weight settled into her stomach.

The door.

It swung slightly on its hinges, before slamming shut with such force as to make the place shake. The man woke with a jerk.

The fear almost paralyzed her. She slid down behind the counter, bringing her knees up to her chin. This was it. She was going to get killed, all because of a stupid piece of bread.

Footsteps. The man's grubby fingers grasped the edge of the counter. As she looked up, she clamped a hand over her mouth to stop herself from yelling. A devastating few moments passed by, and his fingers retreated.

Feeling a numbness spread through her, she let out a sigh. She was safe, at least for the moment. She looked to the back of her left hand, at the small black circle that defined them all. Bad people lived here. Very bad people.

The man sat back in his chair with a creak. The girl hoped he would fall back asleep. Then she would leave, and never come back inside anyone's apartment. She was better off searching through dumpsters.

Another creak. The man was up again. The knot in her stomach was painfully tight now. She turned her gaze towards the small mini-fridge, and for a moment she saw her reflection in the glassy surface. She wasn't hard to recognize. Not many people had a streak of purple flesh across their cheek.

Something stepped down beside her. She looked up into the face of the man, and his tired eyes looked back. First at her, then at the bread still clutched in her hand, until something clicked. A blaze of fire erupted in his face.

She screamed.

He lunged at her, trying to grab her head. She rolled out of the way at the last second. In his grogginess, the man fell forward and hit the mini fridge head first. The girl scrambled to her feet, and ran for the door. But as she reached it, something grabbed her from behind.

She thrashed and screamed as the man took her in a bear hug. Soon he had her adolescent body in a death grip, and she could barely breathe.

"You dare steal food from me?" he seethed, wrapping his arms tighter. "I don't like little girls who steal from me."

He started laughing.

The girl felt one of his rough hands lift up her rag, and make its way up her thrashing thighs. And then he penetrated her.

Her body went rigid.

The man struggled to keep a hold on her body. She had turned like rock, and her skin grew hot like a furnace. The door blew off its hinges, and the man was thrust outside. He fell into the street, dead.

The girl followed him. Her body hovered slightly above the ground, and her eyes were bright white and pupiless. Her skin was nearly on fire, and she glowed with such intensity that it lit up the dark alley. She came to stop at the man's feet, and came down onto the ground. Her skin returned to normal, and she fell to her knees.

The man's fingers lay severed from his hands, a few feet away. They were burnt to a crisp. She doubled over and vomited what bread she had consumed.

Clicks. Many of them. She looked up, and saw that every door in the alleyway was creaking open. Dozens of people peeked out of their homes. Even more came out on the balconies. They were all focused.

On her.

She stood up and ran. She sprinted blindly through the night, away from the burning body, away from those eyes that threatened to condemn her.

A few breadcrumbs still stuck to her hand.

Wow, you made some rather major changes. Is this rated? Only I think it should be now. As for the comparrisson, overall I liked the second version better. I do have a specific point to make though -

Hesitantly, she creeped inside, thankful for the thin carpet that lay in the doorway. [Rather than creeped, I think crept sounds better.]

Other than that though, it was well written and I like that you brought the mark in earlier and in a more subtle way. A more in depth description of the girl would be nice but that can wait until next chapter I suppose.

Hello there! I'm here finally

Prologue

She hadn't eaten for three days, the longest time yet, and she didn't think she could last any longer.

That part just seemed odd. And I think I would like it if you showed her starving body, the visuals could be marvelous.

Slowly, and with trembling hands, she widened the crack just enough so that her slender body could slip inside.Inside, the hard tile under her feet was ice cold, and she quickly stepped over to the fridge and grabbed the handle.

I think you can get rid of the comma after slowly, and you should sad, "Once inside..." because you end the sentence with inside, then start the next one with inside, and it doesn't look right.

The [s]fridge[/s] door made a loud creaking noise as she pulled it open.

"Stealing my food, you filthy girl?"

I had expected, "You female dog" honestly. Although... not 'female dog'. girl seems so light for the conditions.. especially if he might be drunk?

But then the old man pushed her out at the last second

It burned [s]terribly[/s].

She tried to wipe the tears from her eyes as she got up, [s]and felt her knees start to buckle[/s] but her knees buckled.

Oh, that was beautiful!

You said 'she' too often in places. Do a search for 'she' in the document and you'll see what I mean ^_~

It was very good. In places your voice bothered me. I think it was because all the sentences were structured the same. They were usually all the same length. Or because of the lack of dialog, I notice a lot that some writers irritate me until their dialog. I think it is because the characters don't seem real up until the speak. I don't see your character alive, I just see her through your words. Perhaps you should develop her more in this prologue? Or, give me a better visual of her. I'm sure you did, somewhere, but it went through my mind so fast I must had missed it.

Once I got to the dialog, though, all was good. I don't see any other problems with this, I really enjoyed it and I'm excited to read more!