Young Writers Society

"I just love food prepared by machine," Clark mutters. "You'd think the government would provide us with live chefs."

"That's our president's policy. He'd rather feed 'ordinary' citizens the good stuff."

"Ten years and he's still on the throne. It's disgusting." He moodily spears up a piece of Jell-O.

Conversation adjurned. I look around at the dozens of others bravely spooning down oatmeal that's too thick.

A girl smiles at me, and I nod back. She launches a paper airplane.

It sails across two rows to rest next to my bowl of oat stew. There's a note scrawled on it.

Dear Clones,
meet me after classes today. I'll be waiting in North Wing
outside the x-ray room.
Marian

I quickly crumple the plane and tuck it under the bowl. "Hey, Clark."

"Wha-"

"Shh, listen! I just got a note-"

"Oh, that's nice."

"Will you be quiet! There's a girl two rows down, says she wants to meet us."

Clark grins. "Are you sure it didn't say 'Clone number one'?"

I give him a hurt look.

"Ok, don't take it to heart. So, what's the occasion?"

"I dunno. Guess we better be there."

He shrugs and unsuccessfully tries to wrestle the Jell-O to his mouth.

"Try a spoon."

"Yeah, yeah..."

I like the dialogue, it was nice and flowing. The narration could use some work though. I like the first person present tense, but you have to be careful of dumping info on us.

The way you word things must be thought out as to avoid a rough narration. An example being:

"Ten years and he's still on the throne. It's disgusting." To emphasize his point he speared the Jell-O on his plate.

Rather than that perhaps something more along the lines of: emphasizing the point, he smeared the jell-o across the plate.

It condenses the sentence into a more free flowing read and the adjectives help to reiterate what your dialogue pointed out.

I like it, keep up the good work.

little short but i enjoyed it.
couldnt find any problems

vince

The narration could be more present, instead of having the characters talk back and forth freely.

And why is it that in fiction paper airplanes always fly right where they're intended to, but never in real life?

Yeah, I'll be following this one. I really enjoyed your last one even though it was short. You might want to explain why he said "Clone number one." That was just a little bit out there. Other than that I really liked. Keep writing!

this is nice and interesting, nice dialogue. But would "throne" really be a good word to describe the president?