Young Writers Society

"DEPLOY, DEPLOY, DEPLOY!" A man said as he pulled on a green lever. The huge ships flew out of the cargo hangar. The world was going awry and they needed a better life. The 5 former Cargo Ships were now packed full of hopeful people wanting to start a new life.

The year 3067 was a bad year for most of the religous groups. The Ruler of the United States said that Religion was getting in the way of of us conquering the world. The Ruler's name was Ronald Doley he was a crazy old fellow but won the election by a landslide. In his firs year in office he was totally focused on getting the U.S perfect so he could take over the world.

Everyone was leaving Earth. It was going through a "Rough stage in the development of Humanity" or at least thats what the world leaders said.


"Where are we going?" a grumpy old man said, his legs sit limply in his wheelchair. No one really knew where they were going but they needed to leave now. The huge ships were blasting out to space. There was enough food to last for a few years but after that they would starve. Although they were flying at about 10,000 miles an hour, it would be years until they found another planet outside this solar system. there was little noise coming from all of the ships. They knew it would be a very long time until they were rescued or found another planet.

There were 16 births within the first 2 years. The children were schooled on the ship even though they lacked materials. This was all the children knew and will probably ever know; they didn't have enough food.

The ships were some of the older models maybe 3054 or so but were in good condition for what they were used for. There were maybe 100 different rooms and each held a family. The school was held in the cargo hold and the children who were too young for school stayed with their family. The food mainly consisted of non-perishable foods and bread. The bread was held in the in the freezer that was normally used for meats and other perishable food for shipping across the world. The ship was a greyish color and was powered by two sets of dual thrusters located in the backand bottom of the ship. The control car was operated by an elected captain who had prior experience. Their laws were voted in or vetoed depending on the majority.

Democracy lead to the downfall of most of Earth how can they expect to base their new civilization on that?

I think you have something going on, but it is a bit confusing.
I mean, here you say they need to escape and then the food supply and then the ship...

First of all, it was too short.You didn't give enough information. Make it a bit longer and be more precise.

You can of course leave the first paragraph. This will make the reader mad He doesn't know where the people are leaving and why. You immediately hook your readers.

If this is a proluoge, then you should tell everything that is important on the ship. Try telling them about the world in the future. Make it something like this:

19...(Anytime you like)

Space, an empty and vacant place with so many secrets.
For centuaries, man has dreamed of going into space. This was possible in the 20th centuary (Always have the precise date!) Mans one dream to go out of space came true. So did the technology...

2045...

This was just random but do you see what I am trying to tell you?

Or you can ignore me and keep it just like you have it, but give more information and make it longer.

I see a great story in the making. Just make sure you don't hit a wall in the middle of your book.

I think you've got something here... but there's too little to say. Try showing the story, and not telling.

The ships were some of the older models maybe 3054 or so but were in good condition for what they were used for. There were maybe 100 different rooms and each held a family. The school was held in the cargo hold and the children who were too young for school stayed with their family. The food mainly consisted of non-perishable foods and bread. The bread was held in the in the freezer that was normally used for meats and other perishable food for shipping across the world. The ship was a greyish color and was powered by two sets of dual thrusters located in the backand bottom of the ship. The control car was operated by an elected captain who had prior experience. Their laws were voted in or vetoed depending on the majority.

See how you started almost every sentence with "the"? "The ships" "The school" "The food" "The control car". It's lacking sentence fluency, and makes it sound choppy. try to vary your sentence structure. It makes the story so much easier to read.

Hey! I think this is a much better story than Break Neck. Just a few spelling mistakes and such you might have to be careful of. Always check your work before posting!

"DEPLOY, DEPLOY, DEPLOY!" A man said as he pulled on a green lever. The huge ships flew out of the cargo hangar. The world was going awry and they needed a better life. The 5 former Cargo Ships were now packed full of hopeful people wanting to start a new life.

The year 3067 was a bad year for most of the religous groups. The Ruler of the United States said that religion was getting in the way of [s]of [/s]us conquering the world. The Ruler's name was Ronald Doley. He was a crazy old fellow but won the election by a landslide. In his first year in office he was totally focused on getting the U.S perfect so he could take over the world.

The starting was good, as someguy mentioned. You hooked the readers by throwing them in the middle of conflict. Use words for numbers (5=five) especially since you're writing. I think just one year isn't too realistic to be a time of hardship. Make it a whole period, probably several years. "getting the U.S. perfect" also doesn't make the narrator sound good. In writing, try your best to use full words. Either "country" or "United States". The narrator also sounds immature when you used "totally focused". Trying using "completely focused" or something like that. In a serious writing like this, you wanna avoid your narrator from sounding immature or using lingo.

Everyone was leaving Earth. It was going through a "rough stage in the development of humanity" or at least, thats what the world leaders said.

"Where are we going?" a grumpy old man said, his legs sat limply in his wheelchair. No one really knew where they were going but they needed to leave now. The huge ships were blasting out to space. There was enough food to last for a few years but after that they would starve. Although they were flying at about 10,000 miles an hour, it would be years until they found another planet outside this solar system. There was little noise coming from all of the ships. They knew it would be a very long time until they were rescued or found another planet.

I almost got confused as to why they would leave Earth on such a ghastly mission to find a new habitat(lol, I'm making us sound like animals) without making plans. As I read on, I realized that they were really desperate. Probably you could clarify their desperation further so that the reader immediately gets what you're saying. "Leave now" seems rather confusing as if you're moving on to present tense, which sounds wrong. I suggest "leave there and then". "There was little noise coming from all of the ships." seems unnecessary. How does it connect?

This was all the children knew and will probably ever know: they didn't have enough food.

The ships were some of the older models; maybe 3054 or so but were in good condition for what they were used for. There were maybe 100 different rooms and each held a family. The school was held in the cargo hold and the children who were too young for school stayed with their family. The food mainly consisted of non-perishable foods and bread. The bread was held in the in the freezer that was normally used for meats and other perishable food for shipping across the world. The ship was a greyish color and was powered by two sets of dual thrusters located in the backand bottom of the ship. The control car was operated by an elected captain who had prior experience. Their laws were voted in or vetoed depending on the majority.

The first paragraph in this quote is better with a colon( : ) than a semi-colon( ; ) for me. As for the older model for the ships, I thought 3054 was the model name or something. You should put "maybe from the year 3054 or so". And I agree strongly with Blithley. It sounds like a lot of info dumping here. You're in the middle of the plot and suddenly you explain things. It ruins the suspense and curiosity. It's like your History teacher comes to class and starts talking about how he tripped over his dog and fell down on his son's skateboard that rolled to the middle of the street and he almost got roadkilled; and then after that asks you to open your History books. Ruins all the fun, you see.

Democracy lead to the downfall of most of Earth. How can they expect to base their new civilization on that?

I think the italics is unnecessary here. The paragraph of info-dumping stands out. It's in the middle of nowhere and spoils the flow towards the ending eventhough the ending was good.

Now, this is a much satisfying piece. You just really really have to avoid making mistakes of spelling and grammar before you post. Check and read your work out loud. This is a potential plot. I'm looking forward to the next one!

Too be honest, it is a bit confusing. There's too much information in the last paragraph. Try adding more dialogue. Why does the ruler of the US want to take over the world if everybody's leaving?