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Safe Haven - Prologue



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Sat Oct 20, 2007 3:40 pm
kshsj777 says...



Thirteen-year-old Jennifer Sweet stepped off the shuttle, dressed in a simple traveling outfit with a large leather bag slung over her shoulder. She stood still for a moment, her hazel eyes taking in the multitude of people bustling in all different directions. Having lived in a small outpost on Vega Colony, she never imagined there could be this many people all in one place.

"Hey girl, move it, won't you?" a cross man demanded, shoving her out of the way. "People need to board, you know."

"Sorry," Jenny mumbled. She struggled to make her way through the mill of travelers in the space station, looking for the information desk. She spotted it not too far away and changed direction. Jennifer joined the line of impatient tourists, reviewing what she was going to say in her mind.

"My name is Jenny Sweet. I'm from Vega Colony, and I'd like to apply for citizenship in Safe Haven. My name is Jennifer Sweet. I used to live in Vega Four, but now I'd like to live in Safe Haven."

She was so focused on what she would say that she hardly noticed when it was her turn.

"Excuse me, do you need something?" the lady asked, jolting Jen out of her thoughts.

"Sorry! I'm Jenny. I'd like to go to Safe Haven." Blast! She'd messed it up! She sounded like a fool!

"Where are your parents, Jennifer?"

"They're dead." Only half-true. "I'd like to apply for citizenship in Safe Haven."

"I'm sorry, but Safe Haven has very strict rules. They don't even allow visitors unless they have clearance."

"Then how do I get clearance?"

"How old are you?" the lady asked.

"Thirteen."

"Listen, Jennifer, you can't go to Safe Haven. Now if you'd like to go somewhere else, I can provide you with the information."

"No. I want to go to Safe Haven. How do I get clearance?" she persisted.

"I'm sorry. I can't help you. Next!" The person behind her quickly pushed Jenny aside and stepped up to the desk. She had no choice but to wander over to a waiting bench. She sighed. She needed to get to Safe Haven. It was the only way she could be safe.

"You Jen?" a voice asked. She looked up as an elderly man in his fifties sat next to her.

"Yeah."

"I couldn't help but overhear your conversation. You want to go to Safe Haven, no?" Jennifer nodded, still gripping her travel bag. "And why does a young lady like you want to go there? There's plenty of wonderful planets out there you could go instead."

"Yeah, but I want to go to Safe Haven. It's... well... safe."

"I heard you say your parents are dead," the gentleman said. "Don't you have any relatives to take care of you?" Well, there was her grandfather on Earth, but that's probably the first place her father would look.

"Not really."

"Well, there's only three ways to be allowed into Safe Haven. Either you're a Queller or training to be one, or you're an ambassador that's been granted temporary access."

"A Queller?" Jennifer echoed. "What's a Queller?"

"They're people that have a particular Jenar gene, the ability to erect a mental barrier. With training, that barrier is impenatrable by even the strongest Jenar."

Jenny bristled, remembering the tales her father had told her about the evil, arrogant, prideful Jenar. "Jenar?"

"Don't worry. Quellers aren't Jenar. They can't read people's minds, or move things with their minds or anything like that. Just the barrier. They're Normals. Says so in the law."

"Oh." She felt better. "So could I go to Safe Haven if I train as a Queller?" she asked eagerly.

"It isn't that simple, Miss Sweet. You have to have the gene, first, naturally, of course."

Another "Oh."

"'Course, it wouldn't hurt to test you for it."

"Really?"

"Sure. Just come with me."

The elderly man expertly led Jennifer through the crowd to a small, unoticeable door marked "Authorized Personnel Only." Jen was surprised when the man whipped out a ID card and swiped it in the card holder. The door swung open and they entered inside.

A group of technicians sat at their stations, monitoring security cameras spread through out the space station. "This way," the man guided, taking Jenny to a chair-like device. "Sit down and make yourself comfortable," he invited.

Jennifer obediently sat down, and a cylinder attached to a mechanical arm which in turn was attached to the chair scanned her. The man sat down on a stool next to her, watching the results of the scan on a monitor .

"What is it?" Jenny asked.

"You're in perfect health. And I've isolated the section of the DNA where the appropriate gene should be located. And the good news is... you have the Queller gene."

"I do?"

"Yes."

"Then I can go to Safe Haven, now, right?"

"Not just yet, Jennifer. First, you have to sign a document that states that you are willing to be trained as a Queller, and secondly, you must be accepted by the board of teachers."

"Oh. Well, what do I do now? I want to go to Safe Haven, and if being trained as a Queller is the only way to get there, than that's what I want."

"Your parents aren't dead, are they?" he stated, changing the subject. Jennifer didn't reply for a moment.

"Momma is." How she missed her mother!

"But your father is not."

"No," Jennifer admitted. "But I have a good reason for running away."

"Do you?"

"I do!" Jen declared, feeling insulted. Then immediately, she bit her lip, regretting her outburst. "I'm not going back."

"Why not?" Jennifer didn't want to answer, so she squirmed in her seat.

"Can I get up, now?" He nodded his assent, so Jen did. "I want to be a Queller. Show me the document so I can sign it."

"Not until you explain to me why you are running away from your father," the man insisted. Jennifer sighed.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Then you won't be trained."

"Never mind, then," Jen said, turning away, and heading for the door.

"Miss Sweet, if you walk out that door, you won't get a second chance. And I'll call the authorities and have them return you to Vega Four."

"Vega Four!" Jennifer shrieked, turning around. "Vega Four! How'd you know I came from Vega Four?!"

"I saw you disembark from the shuttle train, and inspected your traveler's script."

Of course! How foolish of her. Everybody who used the shuttle system had a cybernet traveler's script easily accessible by security. For a moment, she thought he had been reading her mind.

"Well?" the man inquired. Jennifer sighed, giving up.

"My father would kill me," she answered in all seriousness. "I had to get away from him. Safe Haven is the only place where I can be safe." She had repeated that statement many times over the past few years. "Is that enough?"

He studied her face, and knew she was telling the truth. It would unfair of him to require more, so he nodded.

"Congratulations, Miss Jennifer Sweet. You are now granted access to Safe Haven, and admittance to the Queller Training School."

"But I don't understand," Jen protested. "I thought I needed to sign something and a board would have to approve me."

"Yes and yes. You do need to sign, and the board does need to approve you." He got up from his stool. "However, I am Elder Jabeth, and I have great standing with the board. If I recommend you, you are as good as accepted. Now come. Is that all of your belongings?"

"All that I have."

"Then let us go down to Safe Haven."

"You're Elder Jabeth as in the Elder Jabeth who negotiatied the Treaty of Dabani?"

"Yes, Jennifer," Jabeth affirmed, inclining his head. "Yes."

"Wow! That's amazing!"

"It isn't amazing if you know what you're doing." They walked out of the room and to the heavily guarded transport bay. Elder Jabeth presented his authorization, and together they boarded a transport heading for the planet below.

"What's it like?" Jennifer asked as they watched Safe Haven loom larger and larger in the viewscreen.

"It's a pretty planet, Jen. You'll like it."

"What town are we going to?"

"Adala. Don't worry. I'll take care of everything."

And true to his word, he did.
Last edited by kshsj777 on Sat Oct 20, 2007 11:35 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Sat Oct 20, 2007 9:40 pm
BigBadBear says...



Wow! I really liked this! I thought it was clever and exciting. But, (you don't have to add this if you don't wanna) I think you should put where it says:

"Sorry! I'm Jenny. I'd like to go to Safe Haven." you should put, "Sorry! I'm Safe Haven, and I'd like to go to Jenny!" It would be a funny mixup, and that was what I pictured would happen.

Anyway, this was fantastic. It is fast paced, but it is reallly cool. You picked a cool setting and charactors, and believe me, they are very believable. Well, Elder Jabeth..I thought that he would be really smart and use proper language, but then he said, "Aint, and purdy." Hm..I'm not sure I like that.

Besides those, it was great! Keep writing!

BBB
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Would love help on this.
  





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Sat Oct 20, 2007 11:27 pm
kshsj777 says...



Yeah. I think you're right. Elder Jabeth IS supposed to be smart guy. I'll change it.
  





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Wed Oct 31, 2007 10:50 pm
Ryter says...



Awesome. Really awesome. Almost every story I've ever read with more than one planet ends up a fluke, mistake, and not worth flushing. This... this works. This really works.

On to critiqueing!
I'm surprised Jenny didn't try to fake an older age. Unless other places don't mind the average 13 year old applying for citizenship. I wouldn't know, being the reader and all that.

"Don't worry. Quellers aren't Jenar. They can't read people's minds, or move things with their minds or anything like that. Just the barrier. They're Normals. Says so in the law."

Awkward reiteration. I found reusing the word "mind" twice like that didn't sound quite natural.

Nothing I could see beyond that. Just a quick question though. Is Elder his first name or a title?
Great job. Can't wait for more!

Ryter
  





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Thu Nov 01, 2007 12:16 am
kshsj777 says...



Elder is his title. Jabeth is his first name.
  





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Thu Nov 01, 2007 6:42 pm
hummingbird says...



This story I can see will continue to draw readers, you have a talent and I enjoyed reading it. I do need to say that you had 3 different names for this man. You called him gentleman, man and elderly man before you gave him a name. The story would flow easier for the reader if you pick one name and use it when referring to him. It becomes confusing when different words are used for one thing. You are a great writer and look forward to more.

hummingbird
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Thu Nov 01, 2007 11:19 pm
kshsj777 says...



I understand your point, but I can't reveal his name right away. This is all being told from Jenny's point of view (even in third person), and she can't know his name 'till towards the end.
  





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Wed Nov 07, 2007 12:34 am
Lethero says...



It was great prologue. It's really intersesting, the woman sounded mean, and I like it where people don't make things too simple for their characters. Because sometimes people will make things happen the way their character expects it, you always need to use Irony. Well, I hope to see more of this, Au Revior :D
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