Young Writers Society

Just an idea...should I follow through on it or is it lame? Let me know what you think, and whether or not it's worth continuing. Critiques, as always, immensely welcome!

***

"Hey, Danny!"

I turned and watched the tall, suited man gliding towards me on his ride, the latest update in electric scooters.

"Hey, yourself, Mr. Dervis. What's up?" I stuck my Organizer in my pocket and started my own silent engine towards him.

"Danielle, I'm so glad I found you. Central Headquarters just informed me that we have another Celebrity Malfunction in Sector 83."

I shook my head disbelievingly. "Again? That's the third time this week!"

Shrugging, he powered down his scooter and set one foot on the ground. "Sorry, Danielle. I always thought the Chambers Prison was too lenient on celebrities. It encourages escape attempts, that's what I always said."

I pulled my Organizer back out of my pocket. It was a small, silver disk that fit easily in my palm - the latest in pocket calendars. Pressing the small green button at the center of the silver disk, I grinned smugly as a glowing green face popped up and looked at me expectantly.

"How can I help you, Danielle?" the glowing head asked politely.

"When's my next appointment?" I asked it, watching Mr. Dervis's eyes glinting enviously as he watched my Organizer at work.

"You have an appointment at one o'clock with Miss Hilton's lawyer. He thinks she should be afforded more visiting hours and spending money."

I glanced at my watch. "Mr. Dervis, is this a less than two-hour job, or should I deal with it after the meeting?"

"It's just Rapunzel again. I have reports that she's trying to use her LGH-57 to transport some guy up to her cell." Mr. Dervis paused and glanced at me. "Wait - did your Organizer just say you had an apopintment with Hilton's lawyer? Is that Paris Hilton's great-granddaughter? I thought she just got out of here last month."

"She did," I replied with a sigh. "But the whole family has been rotten to the core ever since all those scandals with Paris back in 2007. Now Linda Hilton's in here for first degree murder and child molestation."

Mr. Dervis snorted. "And the lawyer think he can still get her visiting hours?"

"You know how it is with celebrity prisoners," I replied. "So, Rapunzel in Sector 83, LGH-57 misuse, right?" I glanced down at my glowing green Organizer. "Can you mark that down?"

The head nodded briskly. "Of course, Danielle. Should I redirect your calls to your office?"

"No, just take messages. Thanks you." I flipped the Organizer off and stuck it back into my pocket.

"thanks for the tip, Mr. Dervis. Rapunzel has been causing trouble for years. Apparently she doesn't realize that every time she tries to escape, her sentence is prolonged."

"Some chicks are dense that way, I guess," he replied.

"Any idea who the guy is?"

"The one she's trying to sneak in with her LGH-57? No clue. Maybe somebody she met online." He switched his scooter on, then gunned the silver hover-jets. The scooter was instantly aloft, hovering two feet off the ground.

"Nice Organizer," he called over his shoulder as he swerved up, over the hand railing and down towards the Fourth Level.

Chambers Prison was the largest prison in the United States, specializing in the holding of celebrities, politicians and other prominent figures. As a result, our facilities were extremely comfortable and up-to-date technologically. We had to be. Deny a famous movie star her four room suite, free internet access and personal LGH-57, and you'd have a hell of a lawsuit on your hands. Celebrities, now matter how atrocious their crimes, were almost always sympathized with by the public.

I gunned my own scooter and started off on the smooth silver walkway. The halls were relatively deserted at this hour, so I turned the speed dial up a little, even daring to fire on of the miniature rear jets to get a little kick to my acceleration.

Winding steadily downwards, the walkway was a huge spiral that lined the inside of the prison. Most of the cells were large suites of rooms, always under strict surveillance and easily accessible from the walkway. There were forty-nine levels in the Chambers Prison, and each level contained a minimum of one hundred suites. There were some prisoners, however, who felt that even these luxurious cells were unworthy to house them. For this, the Chambers had bought a large piece of land outside of the main prison building. Prisoners who were sentenced for either life, or any time period over ten years were permitted to design their own cells.

Rapunzel was one of these, and a strange tangent for medieval architecture had led her to build a cell that looked like a stone tower that belonged in the Dark Ages.

And that's as far as I've gotten so far...should I finish it?

Yes, I think you should continue it. I was intrigued. I, for once, have almost nothing negative to say. Your description is good, dialogue is smooth, characters are interesting. I like the idea of having a special prison for celebrities. I also liked the reference to the stars of our time. I only found one teency little error:

And the lawyer think he can still get her visiting hours?"

A typo. there should be an s on the back of "think"


And that's it! Uggh. you are frusterating me with your lack of errors.
A lot of science fiction stories can be really information droppy, uninteresting, and full of uneeded information. As far as science fiction goes, this was really good. I liked it.

I found this very entertaining. It was a very unique premise, and has loads of potential for humor. I noticed a few minor grammatical mistakes:

"Wait - did your Organizer just say you had an apopintment with Hilton's lawyer?

Should be appointment.

"thanks for the tip, Mr. Dervis.

The "t" should be in caps, of course.

Tangent seems to be the wrong word in that final paragraph. She went off on a tangent for medieval architecture, perhaps, but you seem to be looking for a different word, like perhaps tendency or preference. If you want to keep "tangent," I'd suggest recasting the sentence. Shouldn't be too hard.

Overall, though, this was really fun to read. I would recommend continuing it, but don't force it. There's so much potential for humor, but if it comes across as forced (which it doesn't here, not at all), then the humor can be lost. Continue!

Awesome story!

Please continue with it.

I'm just hoping Repunzel isn't the REAL Repunzel, otherwise that'd be totally out of whack.

Hoping to read more!

jai

Please go on with it! It was really funny.

I couldn't find any mistakes, but it was really cool. You had better continue.

(Sorry for the extremely unhelpful review).