Young Writers Society

The Torment of the Mind
Chapter 1
You never let go of what’s important

He looked out his side window, then back to her. He loved her with all of his heart and more. He was just sixteen that night. As he turned his head to look out the front windshield he had a feeling something was about to happen. He looked back to her to see if she had the feeling too.
She asked, "What’s wrong?"
He calmly replied, “Just a feeling, that’s all."
The driver of the vehicle had been drinking, but it was his only way home. He could have gotten a ride the hour before, but he wanted to be with her.
His hand moved to the seatbelt buckle and his eyes couldn’t focus on anything in the dark summer night. The bad feeling he pushed to the back of his mind. He let his muscles relax. Then from seemingly nowhere tires squealed. He looked behind him. There they were two headlights racing to him. His muscles tensed. his seatbelt buckle clicked. his pulling away made it whip him in the face, the impact bursting his lower lip. He ignored it. He braced himself against her and the front seat in a final act of panic, desperation, compassion, and selflessness. His lips were at the side of her face. He took the opportunity to begin,” I love..." his voice trailed off and was drowned out by the bending twisting metal, the shattering of glass, and the explosion or airbags.


Chapter 2
It was worth it
Lewis Tried to move, but it only made the pain worse. He had been cut before but never this deep. He had hurt before but never this badly. He had injured bones before, but now the damage was irreversible. Broken and battered he pushed aside the pain. It was hard and it tried to come back, yet he managed to keep it down. It had been seven minutes since the bonding of the two cars. He realized he was losing his vision. It wasn't a piece of metal in his eye but a lack of blood pressure. He opened the mental barrier he had place to hold the pain. It worked the way he wanted but quickly losing his ability to control it. He couldn't imagine he would live through it, but he had to know did he succeed. He was aware that no matter how many of the pain restraints he let go, he couldn’t hold on. About twelve minutes after the metallic battle she emerged. There were sirens in the distance he could make out blue and red but that’s about all.
He closed his eyes and his memory flashed. He wad been thrown through the rear windshield and he ricocheted off the opposing cars hood. He slowly turned his head and opened his eyes and there she was. Slowly limping her way to him he smiled and closed his eyes. He quietly slipped into a coma and began to think...and be held back.

Chapter 3
Inside his mind
Lewis heard voices but saw only blackness. A doctor was in the room but he couldn't speak only listen. Something was holding him back.
Lewis did not give up on anything easily and he wasn’t about to start now. His memory flashed once again the lights, the feeling, and the pain. He tried to grimace at the thought of the pain, but he couldn't move his body. All he could do was exist and think so he didn’t waste his time. He really wished he had though.

She stood near his bed. The heart monitor perked but only for a moment. She was to tired to notice. She had been by his side for about three quarters of his five days so far. There were bandages and slings on his body. There was a bag of type O blood coming down a tube and into his right arm. He looked barely alive or dead, except for the slight rise and fall of his chest.

He couldn't escape his own mind. He had heard a hundred conversations about how is he, will he make it, or will he ever wake up. Most from a voice he barley remembered. He just didn't remember who's it was. Thinking hard he couldn't remember his own name. He was trapped and useless and hopeless. He tried to yell at the top of his lungs but saw a crowded room with him in the center. The people were watching him and laughing. Inside his mind he ran through the hordes of people to the corner of the room, curled into a ball and screamed

The monitor spiked again but she was asleep in the chair next to his bed .She replayed the accident over and over in her dreams. She knew he saved her. She only thought of what he tried to say. She could have finished it but wouldn’t because she wanted him to finish it when he woke.
When the cars collided they flipped. He held her until he was slammed out of the car by a steel bar. He was well built for his size but he was fragile in comparison to the mass of metal.
A tear rolled down he check and she banished the dream for the millionth time.

Lewis was screaming at the top of his lungs. The crowd just kept on laughing and pointing and the noise grew louder. He thrashed out and hit the closest one to him. The hit broke the persons nose sending blood arcing though the air. He turned to the next and swept low with his right foot and sent him to the ground. He stood and heard a loud ear splitting crack and knew instantly it was his rib. He fell down to his knees barely able to keep off the ground. It hurt, the full pain of a broken rib but he had to fight his way out no matter the cost. He lunged again and was met with the steel bar again to the ribs below the broken one. He was gasping for air. He stared up at the man with the steel bar. It was a face he knew but couldn’t place
He laid his body down a gently as he could and realized he didn’t go out with a bang, but yet a whimper. He was coming apart at the seams of his mind and ceased to think.

When she awoke a doctor was examining Lewis. She began to ask if he was getting better but stopped. She didn’t want to be disappointed by a no of some kind
She slowly moved closer to him and took his hand. She hoped he would get better or just be able to open his eyes and speak.
A tear rolled down he cheek. She was in turmoil. If he would have just taken them home the hour before…would thing have been different? He had said,” It was the best time of his life.”

He couldn’t escape he could only listen and think. His thoughts were useless the way they were. It felt like they were being read…or SHARED. He was in his own mind so that meant he controlled his own thoughts. He had to, it was his only winning option the power was in his own thoughts. He remembered his own name and shouted it. The power came slowly but as it did the people began to disappear one by one until there were only two left, he and the figure with the steel bar. He stood slowly. His mind breaking all the chains holding him down and restraints keeping him from his full potential. The bones in his ribs mended. He screamed at the top of his lungs a deafening war cry, and he lashed out at the figure.
He was thrown back and slammed against the now much closer wall. Lewis looked up to the figure’s face it was masked in shadow still.
“How,” Lewis asked,” I destroyed all of the others, how are you left?”
The figure came out of the shadow. It was why Lewis knew the face. It was his own face, a mirror image staring back at him.
“I control the same amount of thoughts you do, that’s how”, stated the mind form of Lewis.
Lewis swept low and took mind Lewis off his feet he dropped the steel bar. The one item of power of weakness
Lewis grabbed it off the floor and hit the dazed mind form of Lewis in the face. He brought it back up and down repeatedly until there was no more cracking of bone.
He opened his eyes in the white room of a hospital. The bed was neat the room was clean and in the chair next to his was her.

She was holding his hand when his finger moved. His vitals came up and he grimaced, there was still the pain of the accident, but not as bad. He opened his eyes and looked around. Soon his gaze met hers.
He hoped it wasn’t a dream or another game his mind was playing on him. Whatever it was he was glad for the luxury of seeing her face again.
A doctor rushed into the room,” he’s awake!”
Lewis looked up it was over he thought it really was,” Hell yes.” he replied
Lewis laughed and remembered the last thing he had said before the crash.
He turned to her and said,” you.”
She leaned over and kissed him he grunted at the pain. He actually had broken ribs.

The only people he ever told about the torment his mind put him through was her and now you.

Hey, Church. You asked for a crit in the chat so I guess this is it. Don't mind if it's a bit harsh. Just trying to help. xD

In the beginning, your sentance structure doesn't vary much. He, he, he, he. It's a bit jarring for the reader, and it would help the piece if you would alternate the beginnings, maybe adding in some description to get some easier beginnings.

The first and second chapters are both too short. If you can, it would be better if you could extend them both to the size of chapter 3, or even join them and add in a few more details. As it is, everything seems a bit too abrupt.

Also, you might want to get rid of calmly in this sentance: He calmly replied, “Just a feeling, that’s all."

I know that when I get one of those feelings, I can never act calm. It just eats away at your nerves. Maybe you could say something about how he tries to act calm for his girlfriend.

In the second Chapter, the issue with sentance structure pops up again. You seem to change between 'it' and 'he,' with a couple of others, but that is all. Remember to vary them to keep the readers interested.

He opened the mental barrier he had place to hold the pain.

Placed might work better there.

There were sirens in the distance he could make out blue and red but that’s about all.

in the distance, and he could...

He wad been thrown through the rear windshield

*had

In the third Chapter, you have a couple of issues where you need periods or commas, but you don't need me to point those out. This chapter's length is good. You could possibly put the dream sequence in italics.

Overall, it was a good idea for a story, but rather rushed. I'm sorry if this crit seemed a bit long. xD Just trying to help you make the story better.

I don't mind insomnia its perfectly fine
your right about all of it and if i knew how i would
fix it but i did it on word and tried to revise before
i put it up so (stupid word)
Thanks

This is a decent start, with a bit of work it could be brilliant.

My suggestions: (sorry, there's a few things here)
An extra line spacing in between paragraphs stops readers getting scared off by huge bulks of text.
You could vary the beginnings of your sentenses a little.
Maybe this is just me, but putting the speach tag after the speach instead of before helps the whole thing run a lot smoother.
Lastly, chapter three seems a decent length, but one and two are a little short. I'd really like to see a little more description in chapter one, or maybe it could be combined with chapter two.

Keep up the good work, let me know when chapter four is up.

Ty Kokobeans any input is great
all veiwers I would like it very much if
you would post a reply to help me on
the next story "The Mind Program"
it will be posted in the SciFi section
within the month...or two

I don't know why, but I posted twice, lol. My critique is next down.

Hey, Church! You didn't ask me specifically...but I'm gonna look anyway.

He looked out his side window, then back to her. He loved her with all of his heart and more. He was just sixteen that night. As he turned his head to look out the front windshield, he had a feeling something was about to happen. He looked back to her to see if she had the feeling too.

This paragraph is a bit awkwardly structured, as Insomnia said earlier than I. The underlined portion is way too random, lol, so I'd delete that and smooth it in somewhere else. (Like he just got his license or something)

His hand moved to the seatbelt buckle and his eyes couldn’t focus on anything in the dark summer night. [s]The[/s] A bad feeling he pushed to the back of his mind.

Is the second sentence reflecting the dark summer night? If so, I'd put a double dash instead of that period because right now the second sentence is really awkward. His hand moved to the seatbelt buckle and his eyes couldn't focus on anything in the dark summer night--a bad feeling he pushed to the back of his mind.

Then, from seemingly nowhere, tires squealed.

I hate starting sentences with 'then'. I feel like I'm writing an amateur paper, lol. Try 'suddenly' or something. Suddenly, from seemingly nowhere, tires screeched in the distance. (Tires screech, I do believe.)

There they were: two headlights racing to him.

Rewrite this. There it was. A pair of headlights raced toward them, seeming to get closer and closer by the second.

His muscles tensed. his seatbelt buckle clicked. his pulling away made it whip him in the face, the impact bursting his lower lip. He ignored it. He braced himself against her and the front seat in a final act of panic, desperation, compassion, and selflessness. His lips were at the side of her face. He took the opportunity to begin,” I love..." his voice [s]trailed off and[/s] was drowned out by the bending twisting metal, the shattering of glass, and the explosion [s]or[/s] of airbags.

Like Insomnia said earlier, you keep starting with 'he' and it's a bit irritating. His muscles tensed as his seatbelt clicked [or unclicked?]. When he pulled away from the seat in his panic, the seatbelt smacked into his face, bursting his lower lip. He ignored it. Bracing himself against her and the front seat in a final act of desperation, he looked to her. He was inches from his face and took the opportunity to say, "I love--" At that moment, he was drowned out by the sounds of twisting metal, the shattering of glass, and the explosion of airbags.

I'm sooo sorry, but I don't have time to read the next couple chapters. I swear on my YWS account that I will return this evening and finish my critique. I really do apologize. It's amazing so far and I can't wait to read the rest, but my ride will be here in five minutes.

I'll be back!

Jabber, the One and Only!

**Edit**

Yay! I'm back! It's not even evening, so you can give me some credit.

Broken and battered, he pushed aside the pain.

It was hard, and it tried to come back, yet he managed to keep it down.

It had been seven minutes since the bonding of the two cars.

It may just be part of your story, but do you mean crashing? Crashing and bonding are different words.

It wasn't a piece of metal in his eye, but a lack of blood pressure.

He opened the mental barrier he had placed to hold the pain.

It worked the way he wanted but he was quickly losing his ability to control it.

He couldn't imagine he would live through it, but he had to know, did he succeed.

About twelve minutes after the metallic battle, she emerged.

There were sirens in the distance; he could make out blue and red, but that’s about all.

Were there other colors he could make out? He could make out red and blue flashing lights in the distance, the piercing sirens ringing loudly down the road.

He [s]wad[/s] had been thrown through the rear windshield and [s]he[/s] ricocheted off the opposing cars hood.

He slowly turned his head, [s]and[/s] opened his eyes, and there she was. Slowly limping her way to him, he smiled and closed his eyes again. He quietly slipped into a coma and began to think...and be held back.

Underlined part's awkward. Consider revising.

CHAPTER 3!

A doctor was in the room, but he couldn't speak--only listen.

Lewis did not give up on anything easily, and he wasn’t about to start now.

His memory flashed once again the lights, the feeling, and the pain.

Again, the lights, the feeling, and the pain flashed through his mind. Or The lights and the pain flashed through his mind once again. I think the latter sounds better.

All he could do was exist and think so he didn’t waste his time. He really wished he had though.

I don't like the 'waste your time' part of this. He's lying in bed waiting to get better. He has all the time in the world. Lol

The heart monitor perked, but only for a moment. She was too tired to notice.

She had been by his side for about three quarters of his five days so far.

How'd he know its been five days?

He looked barely alive [s]or dead[/s], except for the slight rise and fall of his chest.

I'd delete the comma as well. ^^

He couldn't escape his [s]own[/s] mind.

He had heard a hundred conversations about how is he, will he make it, or will he ever wake up.

He had heard a hundred conversations: How is he? Will he make it? Will he ever wake up?

Most from a voice he barley remembered.

Most of such questions came from a voice he could hardly remember.

He just didn't remember [s]who's[/s] whose it was.

Thinking hard he couldn't remember his own name.

He thought hard, but couldn't even remember his name.

He tried to yell at the top of his lungs but saw a crowded room with him in the center.

This is just...awkward. Lol, I don't know how to fix it, but I recommend you do.

Inside his mind he ran through the hordes of people to the corner of the room, curled into a ball, and screamed

The monitor spiked again, but she was asleep in the chair next to his bed

She only thought of what he tried to say. She could have finished it, but [s]she[/b] wouldn’t. [s] because she[/s] She wanted him to finish it when he woke.

When the cars collided they flipped. He held her until he was slammed out of the car by a steel bar.

We can smooth this into one sentence, I think. He held her tightly as the cars flipped over in the collision until he was thrown out of the car by a...steel bar? Steel bar? I don't know what that means, lol.

[s]He was well built for his size but he was fragile in comparison to the mass of metal.[/s] A tear rolled down he check, and she banished the dream for the millionth time.

That sentence was too random. We know that fact.

The crowd just kept on laughing and pointing, [s]and[/s] the noise [s]grew[/s] growing louder.

He stood and heard a loud ear splitting crack and knew instantly it was his rib.

I'm not entirely sure, but are cracking ribs earsplitting? (It's one word, btw! )

He fell down to his knees, barely able to keep off the ground. It hurt, the full pain of a broken rib but he had to fight his way out no matter the cost.

He fell down to his knees, barely able to keep off the ground. It hurt--the full pain of a broken rib--but he had to fight his way out no matter the cost. Just the dashes.

It was a face he knew but couldn’t place.

He laid his body down as gently as he could and realized he didn’t go out with a bang, but [s]yet[/s] with a whimper.

When she awoke, a doctor was examining Lewis. She began to ask if [s]he[/s] Lewis was getting better, but stopped. She didn’t want to be disappointed. [s]by a no of some kind[/s]

If he would have just taken them home the hour before…wouldn't things have been different?

He had said,” It was the best time of his life.”

Quotations.

He couldn’t escape--he could only listen and think.

It felt like they were being read…or SHARED.

I think italics would be a better idea than caps. Caps make it seem you're shouting at the reader when really you're emphasizing the word.

He was in his own mind so [s]that meant[/s] he controlled his own thoughts.

He had to, it was his only winning option; the power was in his own thoughts.

The power came slowly, but as it did, the people began to disappear one by one until there were only two left, [Use a colon instead ^^] he and the figure with the steel bar.

He stood slowly. [A comma, rather] His mind breaking all the chains holding him down and restraints keeping him from his full potential.

Lewis looked up to the figure’s face. it was masked in shadow still.

“How,” Lewis asked,” I destroyed all of the others, how are you left?”

"How...?" Lewis stuttered with shock. "I destroyed everyone else. How are you left?"

The figure came out of the shadow. It was why Lewis knew the face. It was his own face, a mirror image staring back at him.

Definitely, definitely more suspense. This is a major part of the story. The figure stepped out of the shadows, and Lewis gasped at what he saw. He now knew why it was so familiar. It was his own face, a mirror image staring straight back at him. This is better, though not as suspenseful as it could be. I'm not good at writing suspense. ^^;

“I control the same amount of thoughts you do, that’s how”, stated the mind form of Lewis.

"I control the same amount of thoughts you do, that's how," smirked the mind form of Lewis. It's just the comma/quotations.

Lewis swept low and took mind Lewis off his feet. he dropped the steel bar. The one item of power of weakness

Maybe "mind-Lewis" or "Mind Lewis" or something so we know that 'mind Lewis' is a proper noun now. Also, the second sentence needs a-fixing.

The bed was neat, the room was clean, and in the chair next to [s]his[/s] him was... her [Italicize maybe?].

His vitals came up and he grimaced, there was still the pain of the accident, but not as bad.

His vitals came up and he grimaced. He was still in pain, but it wasn't as bad now.

He opened his eyes and looked around. Soon his gaze met hers.

He opened his eyes and looked around, his gaze falling on her [insert color/description] eyes.

Whatever it was, he was glad for the luxury of seeing her face again.

A doctor rushed into the room,” he’s awake!”

Why would a doctor rush into a room when he knows his patient is sleeping or knocked out? The doctor didn't know Lewis was awake until he arrived in the room. Also, a doctor wouldn't shout 'he's awake' when there's other patients in the hospital. Doctors pay more respect for that reason.

Lewis looked up it was over he thought it really was,” Hell yes.” he replied

Lewis looked up at the ceiling. It was over, he thought. It really was. "Hell, yeah," he muttered.

Lewis laughed and remembered the last thing he had said before the crash.
He turned to her and said,” you.”
She leaned over and kissed him he grunted at the pain. He actually had broken ribs.

I do believe it would hurt to laugh if he had broken ribs. Also, was "she" really that quick to understanding what Lewis meant? Was she that careless to kiss him when she knew he was in bad shape?

The only people he ever told about the torment his mind put him through was her...and now you.

Overall, it was a good story. It was a bit confusing with the mind thingy and jumping from dreams to real life and back. I got a little lost, but that may be because I was critiquing as I was reading. ^^;

Grammar needs work. I'm assuming you don't use Microsoft Word or any such program? Notepad, probably. I suggest rereading your work before posting. I found a few missing periods and some sentences were obviously a word or two short of making sense, lol.

I could have used names much earlier in the story, and knowing 'hers' would be nice as well. It would make the story much better. There wouldn't be so much repetition of 'he' and 'her'. Sentence structure needs work. Don't be afraid of long sentences, though don't make them too long.

This is obviously more suspense than sci-fi. In fact, this should probably be under 'Other Fiction.' I didn't find anything scientific. The mind thing seems more fantasy-ish 'cause there's not scientific reason, like sci-fi stories have. Practice using description. I would like to know what the characters look like. I didn't attach much with the characters either. I don't think readers would feel too sorry for Lewis. I did, only because I hate hearing things like 'broken ribs' and stuff. That's me, though, lol. I can handle them, but I don't like talking about them and stuff. I always feel for them.

Anyway, enough about me! It really is a good story. I think you were just too excited to write it that you forgot to watch grammar and stuff. I know the feeling.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

(It's still not evening. )

first the names because it was the last thing I read
-I couldnt think of a name so I left it blank
-The whole story is...well it started as something that really happened and at sentance 2 I started changing a few things...or everything after...hehe
-but yeah i started this to have a bad ending but i had to reconsider when me and my girlfriend got back together...and she will probibly read this.