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Veiled Soul -2-



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Tue Feb 12, 2008 2:25 am
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the morrow says...



Veiled Soul Contents
Scene 1-- http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic23975.html
Scene 2-- you are here

Author's note: Forgive the disgusting lateness of this piece. Enjoy! :D

********************

Fortunately for me, Onari Seven was a popular place among businessmen and laborers alike. There was always somebody headed there and willing to carry a little extra freight for a price. It was just a matter of finding that somebody. So I went to the only place I knew to go.

"One tonic," I said to the bartender.

The fizzing drink materialized before me. "Enjoy," the computer responded flatly.

For some reason, I nodded. Then, I tuned my ears to the conversations conversations swirling around me, listening for any mention of Onari Seven.

"Kid, always look on the bright side," said a man to what I supposed was his son or apprentice. "This war between the Stratians and the Arnoli means more money for the rest of us."

"How's that?" said the child, who looked little more than a toddler.

"Each side needs weaponry," said the man, "and each side will be diving to pay the most mullah for the best weaponry." The boy's eyes lit up as if just had a great epiphany. "The demand will cascade through nearly every industry: robotics, ships, mining, and so forth. When the Stratians leave the Arnolis confused and defeated, they'll have to rebuild their society. Which means money, money, money," he sung.

The boy cringed at this last thought.

Sensing the child's sentiments, the man continued, losing none of his initial ebullience. "Don't fret about them, kid. After the Stratians conquer them, somebody, someday, will conquer the Stratians, and so will it be--so has it been--throughout history. Besides, there's not much we can do for them anyway. The Stratians have too many corporations under their wing. Or the other way around."

The child nodded. I turned away, unable to ingest more of the man's "tutoring." But most of the conversations were of the same caliber: chat, laughter, debate, all revolving around business. Everywhere, there seemed to be a group of finely suited men feverishly debating about politics or economics. I found some transitory relief watching a young couple exchanges smiles nearby--a fresh pair of lovebirds, still oblivious, as I was, to the cage we were all caught in.

"I'll see you in three months," the man whispered to his girlfriend.

"Do you really have to go? They'll be more profit," she said, licking her scarlet lips, "if you stay."

"I wish I could," he whispered back sincerely. The gullible fool. Her physique sported more than he alone could handle. With a body like that, she must have had two other rich, enamored buffoons supplying her with the same kind of useless crap that adorned it. "I'll catch up with you when I'm done at Onari," he breathed.

That was my cue. I waited patiently in the shadows as they finished their goodbyes. I rose to intercept the man, but they turned once more to each other. Grumbling, I sat down again, ordered another tonic, and watched them out of the corner my eye as their mouths joined in what would become a ludicrously long kiss.

Seeing the way the man handled her--the naive passion with which he held her against him--I could not help but reminisce. Like ghosts, women crept into my consciousness, their presence there as much a part of me as my alcoholism and nicotine craving. Yes, I had loved the earliest with my heart, but they had loved with their minds; like parasites, they had drained me for what I was worth, and then, leaving me dry, latched to men with greater assets, with more than a history of vague mining operations.

When the couple finally disconnected, my entire drink churned furiously in my stomach. I rose and stepped briskly after the man, checking my preemptive distaste for him.

"Hey," I said behind him, following him as he walked out of the bar and into the corridors.

"What do you want?" he said, without turning to me.

"I hear you're going to Onari Seven."

"Says who?"

"I'll give you sixty credits to take me along with you."

"I'm not a shuttle service."

"Ninety credits."

"One-hundred," he said.

My bargaining skills were well-trained. He would be too rational to turn down ninety credits. "Ninety credits," I repeated.

He turned to me finally. His black hair was slicked back, leaving his face, where two black, beady eyes silently registered me, exposed in its paleness. "Name's Acklar," he said, shaking my hand. "We leave tomorrow. Bay 21."

I nodded, and we parted.

I met him the next day, boarded his small ship, and watched the station shrink in the distance as he set to igniting the warp drive. The place looked exactly the same as it did the last time I saw it from the outside, which, by my hazy calculations, must have been months ago: a metallic leviathan, revolving statically in the emptiness of space. When I had packed my bags, I had packed them all; I was leaving a place that was never for the living, only for the brooding, where I had spent months rolling in the muck of my own existence, cursing the memories that no drink could abridge. I foolishly vowed to take this new opportunity and never again return to it or any place like it. Surely, I thought, there was somewhere else, somewhere beyond cigarettes and tonics and economics and politics; some place where men did not rationalize the destruction of cultures, where people loved from the heart and not the mind.

I was convinced that there was such a place. Indeed, I could feel it even then, extending its long reach across the galaxy and pulling, albeit faintly, on my soul.

Before I had even accepted the mission, my course had been set.
Last edited by the morrow on Sat Feb 16, 2008 7:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
t h e m o r r o w
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Sat Feb 16, 2008 12:08 am
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Kylan says...



Well, I think the last chapter was better for some reason. Probably because I'm not as fond of the starwars-esque nature of this second installment and since my Sci-Fi interests lie mainly in earth-bound stories. That's just me. I don't like teh intergalactic barroom settings or robotic bartenders or credits or aliens. Too much cliche attatched.

Anyway, there's nothing lacking in your style. For the most part, it's pristine. The only complaint I have is the ending, which seemed extremely rushed and thrwon together, as if you became bored with the story and decided to jump ahead to the action. Don't do that. I want to hear the MCs conversation with Acklar, I want some sort of side plot to develop, I want you to describe to me what light speed is like on Acklar's ship. The little things. Take lag time like this to develop your character. Remember, a good story hinges on the characters, not the plot. So step back, take a good long look at the end of this scene and stretch it out, add some color, and give me more character. It will be so much better.

I had loved the earliest with my heart, but they had loved with their egos


I have nho idea what you're talking about here. Please clarify.

I rose, punched in a tip for the bartender


He's a robot. Why does he need a tip?

Anyway, I look forward to the third installment.

-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado
  





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Wed Mar 19, 2008 9:07 pm
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alleycat13 says...



Hmm... I can't decide if I like this one more than the other.

I found some transitory relief watching a young couple exchanges smiles nearby--a fresh pair of lovebirds, still oblivious, as I was, to the cage we were all caught in
Should be "exchange" me thinks. Also, the "as I was" implies a retrospective point of view. It clashes with the rest of the POV.

"We leave tomorrow. Bay 21."
Again, when the heck are they leaving? Is he just going to camp out at Bay 21 and hope to catch Acklar?

The closing paragraphs are good. I like them alot. This review is shorter than the other but that's what I got. I'll look for part 3.
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Tue Apr 01, 2008 9:46 pm
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Archstormangel says...



Very serious. Very well-written. It's wonderful. Yuo have extreme talent, however, I will be nitpicky for a minute...

"How's that?" said the child, who looked little more than a toddler.

"Each side needs weaponry," said the man, "and each side will be diving to pay the most mullah for the best weaponry." The boy's eyes lit up as if just had a great epiphany. "The demand will cascade through nearly every industry: robotics, ships, mining, and so forth. When the Stratians leave the Arnolis confused and defeated, they'll have to rebuild their society. Which means money, money, money," he sung.


While the rest of the story seems real, someting that would really happen, this bit stood out to me as something a child wouldn't be able to understand. He speaks to his son as though his son were a business partner who was mature and intelligable. A toddler wouldn't really be able to grasp this concept. It may be that the child is very intelligent, but you'd have to give us more information on that family for us to know that, and that would break the entire story, the flow - you'd be gong into detail over sometihng mundane. The best thing to do would be to just make it so the father speaks to the child in a way the toddler would understand, or instead, make the child look lost, confused, or in any way, suggest the child is not getting WTF his dad just said.

Other than that, the story is very smooth. I enjoy all the details. It seems like something out of a movie, or sometihng that would really be in the future - it's technilogically advanced, but the behaviour of the people isn't as though they know something we don't, isn't as though they're all technological geniuses, or extremely savvy, or neat, as so many authors write out their stories.

One more complaint: the character is still not in touch with us, and I usually feel that one shouldn't progress too much in thestory without making us, the readers, at least slightly interested in the main character. You need to give him something that we can hang on to, to keep us reading. Or at least, something more.
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an Atheist, a young teen girl, someone who loves Harry Potter and hates Twilight, someone who doesn't see deepness in everything, a person who has never suffered from any diseases of any sort.
I'm average, but...

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I was weeping as much for him as her; we do sometimes pity creatures that have none of the feeling either for themselves or others.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights