Young Writers Society

Gideon sat awake in his room, staring blankly into the digital fireplace. He was exploding with energy, thinking of how splendid a full world would be like. Even when he was younger the streets were close to empty, so Gideon had no idea what to expect. A knock sounded at Gideon's door. "Come in," he said. The door slid open and an agitated Cameron stomped inside.

"Ada's awake and won't talk to any of us but you." she said. She rubbed her tired eyes, she had been trying to get Ada to talk for quite some time. She was extremely frustrated with Ada, and that was an understatement.

"Go ahead and tell her I'll be there in a second," Gideon said, inspecting his room for the first time all day. "This place's a pig sty." he said, quickly scooping up some of his dirty laundry in his hands.

"I can't believe we're giving this little brat her way." Cameron said, under her breath, watching Gideon clean the room. "She's 15 years old and acts like she's five." She looked at Gideon, her anger subsiding. He wasn't what she expected a looter to look like. Most of them were fat, old hairy men, who couldn't afford a shower, and didn't seem to mind. They were disgusting creatures with huge egos, practically as big as the pizza stains on their shirts. Gideon was not what nothing like that. He was slender and fit, his brown shaggy hair well kept, his kelly green eyes, always full of a youthful sparkle. He took good care of himself, He always smelled fresh, and once, as Cameron noticed when it was her time on laundry duty, his clothes smelled like lavender.

"It's nice", she thought, "Not always being surrounded by older men." Doctor Faord could well enough by her father, the other men, not too far behind him. Carlos was the second youngest man at thirty. She was attracted to Gideon, but her instincts told her otherwise. "Don't let him get in the way", she thought to herself, shaking her mushy feelings out of her head. She considered herself a down-to-business type of gal, not a romantic. She wanted the job done, and seeing how she couldn't get it done herself, she went to Gideon. That was the only reason she went to see him, to get the job done; or at least thats all she'd allow herself to admit to. "We need answers from Ada, and Gideon's the only way to get that job done."


"Get Ada to talk. I'll be in my room if you need me." She said, in a commanding voice. her mood totally converted from fury to a dull anger, but she didn't want Gideon know that. She walked through his room, stepping over books scattered across the floor, knocking on his bathroom door, letting it slide open silently, before entering into her own room.

Gideon put his last book in its place and walked down the hall towards Faord's infirmary. The door slid open before him, and a fifteen year old girl waited patiently on her bed, twirling a flower in her hands.

"Gideon!" She said, happy he was here. "How are you? Obviously your ankles feeling better-- your walking again!"

"Yeah, Faord's instant ankle repair stuff really works. I was up and walking last night," He said, pulling up a chair next to Ada's bed. "You do know you can talk to Cameron and the others if they ask you something." Gideon said as politely as possible.

"I know," She said, blushing, "but I only like to talk to you." she said batting her eyelashes swooning over him Gideon rolled his eyes; she wasn't his type. He wasn't big on younger women who acted like they were five either. "So...." she said, sensing Gideon's feelings. "What did you come her to talk about?"

"Well, we want to know all the details of the Alternate Reality. How exactly did you get out? Tell us everything Ada." Gideon said, his voice down to earth. He meant business.

"Well first off, its not as cracked up as they make it sound out here. It's not perfect; it's full of flaws. You see, when you're there, you don't talk to other people, interact with other people, do anyhting with other people! It's just you and your thoughts. If you want to be talking to Elvis Presley, you can talk to Elvis Presley. You want to be in a busy city with lots of people, your in a busy city with lots of people. Also, everyone there does whatever will make you happy. Even if in real life someone hates you, when you're in there, you can punch them in the face and their cheery disposition won't fail, that is, unless you want it to. It get's really annoying, actually, to have everything your way. I spent ten years in there, and haven't made a single real memory. When I got back out here," She said motioning to the world around her, "I had ten years of catching up to do. Nothing was as I remembered, and obviously, no one adjusts to make me happy. It's better in the real world, but unfortunetly, they make sure to make it sound like its a terrible place." Ada said.

"Well, how do they tell you that its terrible out here if it's only you and what you want to be there?" Gideon asked. "Did you want it to be terrible out here?"

"No way!" Ada exclaimed. "Clairabelle told me all of this, but the government has a big mainframe, that makes sure everyones dream worlds are functioning the way they want them to."

"Woah, woah, woah. Slow down, who's Clariabelle, I thought it was just you and your thoughts, is she some sort of imaginary friend?" Gideon asked, cutting Ada off before she could go off on one of her tangents.

Clairabelle's my friend. Anways like I was saying, --from there, they can take a memory of someone the person found close to them, and control them in that world, fill our heads with lies. They used my memories of my daddy to make me think the war was real. For a while I believed them."

"Clairabelle?" Gideon asked again, agitated. "Who is Clairabelle?"

"Clairabelle Revelation, was my friend. She's a program in there that they never used. I guess she used to be their plan to shut down the system if anything ever went wrong. Oh, and did i mention she was smart, really smart? She knew all of the government's secrets, and told me the truth about the real world. But she's gone now..." Ada said, her face showing her sadness. "She was my only real friend in there and I watched her get deleted in front of my very eyes. It was horrible."

"Why'd they delete her? Computer programs don't have minds of their owns, it's not like she just decided to plug herself into your reality without the government knowing."

"You're wrong!" Ada screamed. "Clairabelle did too have a mind of her own! After watching people's lives go by and having to wait for someone to tell her she couldn't take it, she inserted her own code into my system. No one knew she was there, well besides me and Clairey." She said, tears starting to develop in her eyes.

"But one day they saw her signal coming from my reality and they had to delete her because she was flawed! My Daddy told me that everyone has their flaws and I shouldn't pick on them for that. Why does the governmnet have the power to kill someone just because they are flawed?" She started sobbing uncontrollably. "I missed Clairabelle-" She sniffed, her sobbing making it hard for Gideon to understand.

"Once she was gone, I-" Sniff. "just wanted to go home and hug my real daddy. Not the one who called me his little angel because I thought it would be nice for him to say it! I wanted to go back to my daddy who told me he loved because he really did." She had gained control of herself, her crying silent, the tears pace slowing.

"Then everything just stopped. I was alone with everyone else frozen around me; no one listening or reacting to my thoughts. They were like statues, standing so perfectly still.

But I saw it then-- the door. It was a plain white, framed by nothing, just floating in my mind. It was another program the government had made as an escape route, just in case something went wrong. I wanted to get out of the door so bad, but couldn''t move. Luckily, just by wanting it, I had it. I felt like myself again, having to breath, my senses coming back to me. The cold, the stenches, all the beauties of our world flooded back to me all at once.

But all I saw was black. An empty dark black that terrified me. It was like dying, only darker.

Then I felt it-- the cold metal upon my temples. For the first time in ten years that day, I moved my arms and took off the helmet. I then saw my daddy's smiling face and knew that everything was so much better here." Ada said lying back down in bed. "I just wish Clairabelle was here to see all of this."

Gideon let everything float around in his mind. This was not what he had expected. The girl's journeys in the other reality, was not that amazing. It was sad and suprising but nothing like what Gideon had expected it to be.

"So, if the people believe they can get out, and want to get out, as long as the power's off," Gideon said, realising what was happening in front of him. "They can get out!"

"Yep." Ada said, her voice sad, as she lay quietly, staring at the ceiling.

"Thank you so much Ada!" Gideon said. "I'll be back later, I have to tell the others." He said, as he ran out the corridor, almost knocking over one of the machines near the door He rushed down the hall, banging loudly on Cameron's door, barging inside.

It was different than he had expected it to be. The walls were a plain eggshell white, the wallpaper, peeling off in someplaces. Her bed lay in the corner of the room, an assortment of large comforters covering in. Gideon could see shades of pinks, blues, and yellows, all sticking out of the mess.
Cameron noticed him expecting her room.

"Hey, home is where the heart is right? She said." She had been sitting in the corner of her room in her burgundy love seat, flipping through an old women's magazine." So, what the rush?"

"There's a way out!" Gideon exclaimed "Ada explained it to me-- there's a way out!"

Cameron dropped the magazine, her face in pure awe.

O'Connell stepped out of his room from across the hall, his brown eyes gleaming. "Wh-What did you say?" He stuttered. Even though he had heard Gideon perfectly, the excitement exploded through his facial expressions.

"There's a way out!" Gideon yelled, jumping around celebrating with O'Connell. Terrence, Carlos, Vinny, and even Faord rushed out of their rooms to join the celebration. There was plenty of commotion and hooting and joyful hollering half in, half out of Cameron's room, but she sat alone on her love seat, smiling, tears of joy running down her cheeks.

Hello again! Sick of me yet?

He was quite bubbly, thinking of how splendid a full world would be like. Even when he was younger the streets were close to empty, so Gideon had no idea what to expect. A knock sounded at Gideon's door. "Come in," he said, the door sliding open quietly. Cameron walked in, agitated.

Underlined: Try a different word. Bubbly doesn't really fit Gideon, if you know what I mean. It's one of those chuckle/giggle things: girls tend to giggle, guys tend to chuckle. Girls can be bubbly, but guys can be.. I don't even know! Just use excited or something. Thesaurus is always there to use! ^^

Italics: These two sentences are the same structure, so it's a little annoying. Action, dependent clause. Action, dependent clause. Try: "Come in," he said. The door slid open and an agitated Cameron stomped inside.

"Ada's awake, [no comma] and won't talk to any of us but you. [comma instead]" [s]She[/s] she said,[s] frustrated by this[/s]. She rubbed her tired eyes,[dash or semi] she had been trying to get Ada to talk for quite some time.

"Go ahead and tell her I'll be there in a second," Gideon said, inspecting his room for the first time all day. "[s]this[/s] This place's a pig sty." He [s]said, quickly scooping[/s] scooped up some of his dirty laundry in his hands.

"The little brat [s]probably[/s] won't listen to me. [comma instead]" Cameron said, [no comma] under her breath, watching Gideon clean the room. "She's 15 years old and acts like she's five."

[New paragraph]

She looked at Gideon, her anger subsiding. He wasn't what she expected a looter to look like. Most of them were fat, old, and hairy men, who couldn't afford a shower, [no comma] and didn't seem to mind. They were disgusting creatures with huge egos, practically as big as the pizza stains on their shirts.

[New paragraph]

Gideon was [s]not what[/s] nothing like that. He was slender and fit, his brown shaggy hair well kept, his kelly-green eyes, [no comma] always full of a youthful sparkle. He took good care of himself, [semi instead] [s]He[/s] he always smelled fresh, and once, as Cameron noticed when it was her time on laundry duty, his clothes smelled like lavender.

[New paragraph]

"It's nice", she thought, "[s]Not[/s] not always being surrounded by older men." Doctor Faord could well enough [s]by[/s] be her father, the other men, [no comma] not too far behind him. Carlos was the second youngest man at 30. She liked Gideon. Something about him attracted her, but she couldn't put her finger through it.

[New paragraph]

"I'll be [insert space] in my room if you need me. [comma instead]" [s]She[/s] she said, her mood totally converted in just a few seconds. She walked through his room, stepping over books scattered across the floor, [no comma] and [s]knocking[/s] knocked on his bathroom door, letting it slide open silently, [no comma] before entering into her own room.

That was a tad monstrous.

Underlined: Before this, you said that Ada wouldn't talk to any of them, so it's not very probably that she won't listen if it's already known to be true.

Italics: If she's thinking this, put it in italics so we don't get it mixed up with dialogue. Also, you never closed the quotes, so I guessed as to where it should be placed.

Both: Numbers. Either type them out as words or use the numbers themselves. Don't use both. Keep it consistent [though there are exceptions]. Thirty or 30.

Gideon put his last book in its place and walked down the hall towards Faord's infirmary. The door slid open before him, [no comma] and a fifteen-year-old girl [s]waiting[/s] waited patiently on her bed, playing with a flower.

How about she was twirling a flower in her hands instead just to elaborate?

"Gideon!" [s]She[/s] she said, happy he was here. "How are you? Obviously your ankle's feeling better, [dash instead] [s]your[/s] you're walking again!"

This is currently irking me: The part's not about interrogating Ada. It's mixed with mushy-feely-poo between characters. You suddenly throw in Cameron's feelings toward Gideon in the middle of her frustration with Ada. She was ranting and suddenly she thinks about Gideon? That doesn't make much sense to me. She seems like the down-to-business type of gal. She wants the job done, so she's going to get it done. They need answers from Ada, and Gideon's the only way to get that job done, so she's gonna ask him.

No touchy-feely stuff. It's just not the place for it. That's my opinion, of course, but it can definitely be worked in later. Besides, I already knew since Gideon first met Cameron that they would like each other. It might have been on accident, but that's a bit predictable: a thief meets a leader/kick-butt chick who's amazing at pretty much everything. Cliche chick, predictable relationship.

Maybe rework that. It's just makes the story a bit clunky.

"Yeah, Faord's instant ankle repair stuff really works. I was up and walking last night. [comma instead]" He [s]said, pulling[/s] pulled up a chair next to Ada's bed. "You do know you can talk to Cameron and the others, [no comma] if they ask you something. [comma instead]" Gideon said, [no comma]as politely as possible.

"I know," [s]She[/s] she said, blushing, "but I only like to talk to you." She [s]said batting[/s] batted her eyelashes, swooning over [s]Gideon[/s] him. Gideon rolled his eyes, [dash or semi] she wasn't his type. He wasn't big on younger women who acted like they were five either. "So...." she said, sensing Gideon's feelings. "What did you [s]com eher[/s] come here to talk about?"

"Well, we want to know all the details of the Alternate Reality. How exactly did you get out? Tell us everything, Ada. [comma instead]" Gideon said, his voice down to earth. He meant business.

"Well, first off, it's not as cracked up as they make it sound out here. It's not perfect, [semi instead] it's full of flaws. You see, when [s]your[/s] you're there, you don't talk to other people, interact with other people, do [s]anyhting[/s] anything with other people! It's just you and your thoughts. If you want to be talking to Elvis Presley, you can talk to Elvis Presley. You want to be in a busy city with lots of people, [s]your[/s] you're in a busy city with lots of people. Also, everyone there does whatever will make you happy. Even if in real life someone hates you, when [s]your[/s] you're in there, you can punch them in the face and their cheery disposition won't fail, [dash instead] that is, [no comma] unless you want it to.

[New paragraph]

It [s]get's[/s] gets really annoying, actually, to have everything your way. I spent 10 years in there, [no comma] and haven't made a single real memory. When I got back out here, I had ten years of catching up to do. Nothing was as I remembered, and obviously, no one adjusts to make me happy. It's better out here, but unfortunetly, they make sure to make it sound like its a terrible place out here." Ada said.

Underlined: You repeat 10, but that's not the bad part. You use both 10 and ten. Again, be consistent with your numbers. I'd write them out as words, especially since this is a three-letter word.

Italics: Now this is bad repeating, lol. It's not structured so that the repetition is effective. It's just annoying.

"Well, how do they tell you that it's terrible out here if it's only you and what you want to be there?" Gideon asked. "Did you want it to be terrible out here?"

"No way!" Ada exclaimed. "Clairabelle told me all of this, but the government has a big mainframe, [no comma] that makes sure everyone's dream worlds are functioning the way they want them to. From there, they can take a memory of someone the person found close to them, [no comma] and control them in that world, fill our heads with lies. They used my memories of my daddy to make me think the war was real. For a while, I believed them."

Underlined: Who? Who again? Make sure you keep your pronouns straight.

"Clairabelle?" Gideon asked confused. "Who is Clairabelle?"

I think it would be pretty sweet if Gideon interrupted Ada's explanations because she's speaking too fast for him to comprehend or something like that. That way the explanations come slower and the reader can keep up, if not Gideon. ^^

In other words, have him ask this sooner.

"Clairabelle Revelation, [no comma] was my friend. [s]She's[/s] She was a program in there that they never used. She used to be their plan to shut down the system if anything ever went wrong. She knew all of the government's secrets, [no comma] and told me the truths about the real world. But she's gone now..." Ada said, her face showing her sadness. "She was my only real friend in [s]their[/s] there, and I watched her [s]be[/s] get deleted in front of my very eyes. It was horrible."

She blah... She blah... She blah... Woo, that gets annoying very quickly. Rephrase some of these sentences so it flows more smoothly. ^^

"Why'd they delete her? Computer programs don't have minds of their owns, [semi instead] it's not like she just decided to plug herself into your reality without the government knowing."

"You're wrong!" Ada screamed! [period instead] "Clairabelle did, too, have a mind of her own! After watching people's lives go by and having to wait for someone to tell her she couldn't take it, [s]and[/s] she inserted her own code into my system. No one knew she was there, [dash instead] well besides me and Clairey. [comma instead]" [s]She[/s] she said, tears [s]starting to develop[/s] developing in her eyes. Gideon could tell that he had really [s]badly[/s] hurt her.

[New paragraph]

"But one day they saw her signal coming from my reality and they had to delete her because she was flawed! [period instead] My Daddy told me that everyone has their flaws, and I shouldn't pick on them for that. Why does the [s]governmnet[/s] government have the power to kill someone just because they are flawed! [question mark instead]" She started sobbing uncontrollably. "I missed Clairabelle-" She sniffed, her sobbing making it hard for Gideon to understand.

[New paragraph]

"Once she was gone, I-" [s]sniff[/s] Sniff. "- [s]Just[/s] just wanted to go home, [no comma] and hug my real daddy. Not the one who called me his little [s]angle[/s] angel because I thought it would be nice for him to say it! I wanted to go back to my daddy who told me he loved me because he really did." She had gained control of herself, her crying silent, the tears pace slowing.

[New paragraph]

"Then everything just stopped. I was alone, [no comma] with everyone else frozen around me, [no comma] but no one listening or reacting to my thoughts. They were like [s]stautes[/s] statues, standing so perfectly still.

[New paragraph]

But I saw it then, [dash instead] the door. It was [s]a[/s] plain white, framed by nothing but just floating in my mind. It was another program the government had made as an escape route, just in case something went wrong. I wanted to get out of the door so bad, but [s]couldn''t[/s] couldn't move.

[New paragraph]

Luckily, just by wanting it, I had it. I felt like myself again, having to breath, my senses coming back to me. The cold, the stenches, all the beauties of our world flooded back to me all at once.

[New paragraph]

But [s]All[/s] all I saw was black [s]though[/s].

[New paragraph]

Then I felt it, [dash instead] the cold metal upon my temples. For the first time in ten years that day, I moved my arms, [no comma] and took off the helmet. I [s]then[/s] saw my daddy's smiling face, [no comma] and knew, [no comma] that everything was so much better here." Ada [s]said, lying[/s] laid back down in bed. "I just wish Clairabelle was here to see all of this."

That was ginormously monstrous.

Underlined: This sentence seems a bit random. It sticks out in that entire paragraph about Clairabelle. Either give him his own paragraph, explaining how he hurt her and such, or just delete it.

Gideon let everything float around in his mind. This was not what he had expected. The girl's journeys in the other reality, [no comma] was not that amazing. It was sad, [no comma] and [s]suprising[/s] surprising, [no comma] but nothing [s]like[/s] what he [s]Gideon[/s] had expected it to be.

"So, [no comma] if the people believe they can get out, [no comma] and want to get out, [maybe triple dots/ellipses instead?] as long as the power's off," Gideon said, [s]realising[/s] realizing what was happening in front of him. [comma instead] "[s]They[/s] they can get out!"

"Yep. [comma instead]" Ada said, her voice sad, [no comma] as she lay quietly, staring at the ceiling.

"Thank you so much, Ada!" Gideon said. "I'll be back later, [semi instead] I have to tell the others." He [s]said, as he[/s] ran out the corridor, barging into Cameron's room.

[New paragraph]

It was different than he had expected it to be. The walls were a plain eggshell white, the wallpaper, [no comma] peeling off in some [insert space here] places. Her bed lay in the corner of the room, an assortment of large comforters covering [s]in[/s] it. Gideon could see shades of pinks, blues, and yellows, [no comma] all sticking out of the mess.

Woah! Let's slow down here. We suddenly jump from Ada to Cameron? I, as the reader, need to take a breather. Describe how fast he's running or how he nearly runs into O'Connell. I dunno, but slow down!

Cameron sat in the corner of her room in her [s]burgandy[/s] burgundy love seat, flipping through an old women's magazine.

[New paragraph]

"There's a way out!" Gideon exclaimed when he caught her attention. "Ada, explained it to me, [dash instead] there's a way out!"

O'Connell [s]steeped[/s] stepped out of his room from across the hall, his brown eyes gleaming. "Wh-What did you say?" [s]He asked[/s] he stuttered, [period instead] [s]even[/s] Even though he had heard Gideon perfectly, the excitement [s]exploding[/s] exploded through his facial expressions.

I'll post part 4's crit soon enough!

Jabber, the One and Only!