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MTS



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Sun Apr 27, 2008 8:26 pm
NightsDreamer2277 says...



((Due to the long period it took me to write this, here is an update of the story so far. After raiding the military compound, and gaining two new members, the team returned to MTS. There, Sarya found some haunting reminders of her sisters past, while Kochi discovered Rubella sneaking off back to the compound to recieve a power suppressent. While Ruby and he were there how ever, they were betrayed, which is where this part starts up. Any and all comments are appreciated.))


Bullets began to whiz past their legs and shoulders as soldiers came after them on foot and also on bikes. Ruby cried out sharply as a tree ahead of her exploded into a barrage of splinters that peppered her skin as one of the shells missed. Stumbling she fell sharply only to have Kochi catch her. "Come on, there's a sanctuary up there that we can find shelter in," he urged, noticing how rapidly she was tiring.

As they reached the huge building, Ruby grabbed his hand and transported them inside to the rafters where they wouldn't be seen from below. The darkness of the high ceilinged church would hide them from the shots, provided no one else came up.

The soldiers burst in roughly, looking around for the two they could somehow sense were there. Holding his breath, Kochi saw that Ruby was close to out. Leaning her into the corner where she wouldn't fall, the teen made sure she was fine as he listened to the men below talking softly. "Damn, the girl must have transported them farther than we thought…" a low voice growled.

"She couldn't have," another snapped. "That stuff Vilas gave her should have taken effect, which means she didn't get far, especially since she had to transport another. I know she's hiding here and once I find her, that bitch will get a full taste of my irritation after we have some fun with her, like the old times."

Kochi's blood boiled at the thought of the things they would do to her, and had probably already done to her as the men below laughed maliciously. Barely holding his temper, the young mutant continued to listen carefully to where their vibrations were. "Except she's older now…" a third voice added with a hint of dark humor in his voice.

The rather rude suggestion that followed tipped Kochi over the edge. Dropping from the ceiling, he flipped neatly to slam a kick into the floor that sent a small shock wave through the tiles, upsetting the benches. As the soldiers regained their balance, he smirked darkly at their surprise. "Expecting someone else?" he asked summoning his powers full force as he drew his sword.

Realizing their advantage in numbers, the guards spread out to semi encircle him. Sighting their unusually wide muzzled guns, they smiled grimly. "Who are you," the voice he recognized as the first speaker scorned, "her boyfriend?"

"No, but you'll wish I was," Kochi replied before attacking the guard to his left with a dull spike of earth that shot up rapidly to knock the man in the chest. As he landed some fifteen feet away, the other two fired. Two nets shot forward, faster than Kochi could dodge from the side and back. As the one caught him from behind, the boy stumbled and fell heavily, ensnared in the thick fibers that wrapped around his legs and torso. His sword clattered to the floor.

A slight cry was heard from above as the soldiers approached him. Suddenly the fibers split apart into several threads and disintegrated to allow him to escape as Ruby landed. "Kochi, get out of here," she ordered coldly as she blocked their shots and hurled energy cords. "Now…I'll catch up with you in a moment."

He shook his head, staring into her swimming gold eyes as he formed a shield around them that would hold for a short time. "You're lying and we both know it. I'm not abandoning you when we're a team."

She kept her back to him. "You aren't abandoning me," she said with courage she didn't truly feel. Unfastening a chain from around her throat, she handed it back to him. Attached was a small four point star pendant. "Take this back and give it to Sari. She'll know what to do with it. There's no point to us both getting caught and you have the best chance. I'll hold them here, while you run."

When he hesitated once again, Rubella wheeled around to face him as the tears spilled from her eyes. The harsh words that ripped them selves from her throat didn't correspond with her pleading eyes. "STOP PLAYING THE DAMN HERO AND GET OUT OF HERE!" she shouted, knowing that she couldn't stay awake much longer. Her muscles were already beginning to lock.

The words galvanized him into action. Sinking underground, Kochi forced himself away from the cathedral, back to MTS. His heart was ripped in two with every second that he got farther away.

Back at the cathedral, the guard who had commented about her age chuckled dryly. Approaching the girl slowly, he noticed how her legs shook with the effort of keeping her standing. "What chance do you really have when you're this low Rubella? I think we both know the answer to that," he said confidently staring at her through cool eyes. "Welcome back…"

Tired as she was, the magician still had some snap. Using her powers, she shot a cord of energy at him that caused him to yelp with the pain. Golden eyes blazing, she threw two others before vanishing in a puff of smoke only to appear behind him and strike three of the major pressure points.

Then, in a single neat flip, Ruby was up in the rafters where she collapsed. Energy slid from her hands to bind her to the wall so that she wouldn't fall. With the last of her energy used, the girl closed her eyes into a bitterly sweet sleep.
~
"When you need a stress relief, simply count to twenty. If you get to twenty and your still mad, go to a hundred. If you are mad after that, then go find some anger management, because we seriously have just wasted two minutes."-- Jazz
  





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Mon Apr 28, 2008 12:37 pm
JabberHut says...



Hello! Thanks for that recap in the beginning. It's been a while, and I would have forgotten everything. ^^;

Bullets began to whiz past their legs and shoulders as soldiers came after them on foot and [s]also on [/s]bikes.


Stumbling, she fell sharply only to have Kochi catch her.


"Come on, [semi or dash instead] there's a sanctuary up there that we can find shelter in," he urged, noticing how rapidly she was tiring.


The darkness of the high-ceilinged church would hide them from the shots, [no comma] provided no one else came up.


The soldiers burst in roughly, looking around for the two they could somehow sense were there.


Underlined: I don't much like that word in this instance. It could just be me, but another adverb may be better.

I know she's hiding here, and once I find her, that bitch will get a full taste of my irritation after we have some fun with her, [no comma] like the old times."


Kochi's blood boiled at the thought of the things they would do to her, [no comma] and had probably already done to her as the men below laughed maliciously.


"Expecting someone else?" he asked, summoning his powers full force as he drew his sword.


Realizing their advantage in numbers, the guards spread out to semi-encircle him.


"Who are you, [question mark instead]" the voice he recognized as the first speaker scorned, [period instead]"[s]her[/s] Her boyfriend?"


Two nets shot forward, [no comma] faster than Kochi could dodge from the side and back.


"You're lying, and we both know it.


Attached was a small four-point star pendant.


There's no point to us both getting caught, and you have the best chance. I'll hold them here, [no comma] while you run."


The harsh words that ripped [s]them selves[/s] themselves from her throat didn't correspond with her pleading eyes.


"STOP PLAYING THE DAMN HERO AND GET OUT OF HERE!"


This is all based on your style, but I don't much like the caps. The exclamation point and tag both do well in describing how she's screaming at him.

"What chance do you really have when you're this low, Rubella? I think we both know the answer to that," he said confidently, staring at her through cool eyes. "Welcome back…"


It's lovely to read your work again. You're an excellent writer. I mainly found comma misuse. I wish I could say more. You deserve a better critique. Of course, I can't say much if I don't remember the details from the other parts. I think the talk between Kochi and Rubella was a bit long for them being in a middle of a fight, even if Kochi did have a shield up. At least have the guards bang on it or something, lol.

Otherwise, good job! Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.
  








This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.
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