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Young Writers Society


The Year of 2089



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Thu Jun 19, 2008 5:42 pm
kachine says...



6/3/2089

My name is Claire, Claire Caring. My family and I live in Red lake Kansas, in the United States of America. I live with my brothers, Jack and Sawyer, ages 17, and 19; and my younger sister Kate, 3. I am at this moment 13. My mother, Juliet, works at a medical facility; and my father, Ben, works in a major construction business called Larson and son. Keamy, my dark chocolate brown cat, is an indoor/outdoor cat. Unlike any other cat, Keamy has 6 legs and two tails! My father found him while he was walking home from work. Poor thing! He was covered in fleas and mud. He was shaking from cold and fright.
When I say walking, I mean walking. Cars, are now illegal in the United states since 2040 (my father tells me) because they caused so much damage to the environment. To go out and about, you must either walk, bike, or use some of the public transportation like the water powered buses, or the air filterer powered airplanes.
Since gas powered cars are illegal, the people of the world get their goods from the factories on Mars, and Neptune where using the gases on those planets to power their factories like using water; it goes in and out. The workers there, must wear specially made suites when they walk out of their planes onto the planet to the building. As they get into the building they may take off their suites for the building has air. Having these jobs, the family gets a lot of money. Like mine. My father always leaves very early to go to work. Thanks to him, my siblings, my pet and I can get any new hot toy or game that is available.
With the talk of money, my mother makes about $60 an hour, my father makes about $100 an hour, and my brothers together make about $20 an hour. I do not work yet, but I baby sit Kate and get about $10 an hour. So our family is very rich.
My friend, Sun, is from Korea, we met when we were playing in our front lawns. “Hi,” I said over the short fence, “ahn nyeong ha se yo.”
“What?” I exclaimed,
“Sorry, I haven’t completely switched from speaking Korean yet.” Sun said covering her mouth.
“Cool, my name is Claire. What’s ours?”To the United States because the leader of North Korea took to much control and torture of the citizens of the country, that the family immigrated to the U.S when she was about 5. Sun is 13 like me, and she and I are the best of friends that friends can be. I met Sun when she and I were
“Sun. Nice to meet you Claire. Let’s be friends.” Sun reached her hand over and I took it in mine. From that moment on, we were always together. My father got the principle of my school to have Sun and I in classes together. Which I think rocks!
Life at home is not at all quite. I can never get a moment of peace of quite to read; only late at night but then I would be very tired in the morning.. Jack and Sawyer ALWAYS fight, and then Kate screams and mother yells.
Most the time I go into the room and watch some of my favorite shows like Sponge bob and anything on Nick or Disney. When I watch TV or play my Ds, I plop down on my king size bed and sink into the mattress.
Speaking of my room, let me tell you about it. The walls are a light blue with hot pink and lime green stripes. The carpet is a shaggy creamy white, when you step on it you sink in and you feel like you are walking on a cloud.
My bed is king size, with white downy comforter, and sky blue sheets and hot pink and lime green pillows. It is the softest thing I have every sat on. Across from my bed, is my large flat screen TV; and under that is my white dresser. In the far back corner of my room is my walk in closet where I have a lot of clothes in there, also near the top are two shelves that go around the closet filled with stuffed animals. Some from 2007 and 1998. Those are in air tight plastic boxes. Keamy sleeps in his ‘king’ size cat bed, next to mine. Since I am the middle child, I got my own bathroom in the room. That’s right! Now I don’t have to share a bathroom with the two boys (I don’t even step in their bathroom). The bathroom has a sauna, bath tub and a shower, each separate. The floor is granite, and the counters are marble. The sink faucet is covered in gold leaf that won’t fade or chip away.

That’s enough for today. See you next time.

Claire closed her journal and sat up unto her knees. Curled up in a ball next to her was Keamy, his whiskers twitched every once in a while. Sighing, she jumped off her bed and walked down the hall and down the grand wooden stairs.
Juliet was in the kitchen washing dishes, and Ben was sitting at the table, reading the newspaper and drinking coffee from a mug that said ‘Earth’s best dad’. “Hey dad. Whatcha doing home this morning?”
“It’s Sawyer’s birthday today, and my boss is giving me the day paid.” He said looking up, his blue eyes sparkled. His brown hair was slicked back to make him look ‘cool’, as he puts it.
“Oh yeah. I forget.” Claire said as she walked to the fridge.
“No Claire.”
“What?”
“Don’t eat anything?” Juliet said without looking up from what she was doing.
“Why mom?” Claire whined,
“Because, when Jack gets up, and your other brother gets back from where ever he is, I am going to be making breakfast.”
“You mean, you have no idea where Sawyer is?” Claire exclaimed. Her mother turned around,
“Of course I know where he is.” She said calmly. Claire was about to open her mouth when Ben said,
“Then were he?” Ben asked raising one eyebrow.
“Umm,” Her face turning red, “Okay I don’t know where he is.” Claire nodded, and was about to turn around when the front door opened.
“Mornin’ Sawyer.” Ben said calmly turning back to the paper.
“Where have you been?” Juliet demanded, pointing a soapy finger at him. Sawyer stood there, leaning against the wall. He was wearing a plaid sweat jacket, with a black shirt underneath it, and baggy jeans with holes in them. His brown hair with blond highlights was pulled back into a pony-tail. Sawyer’s lip, eyebrows and ears were pierced. Claire on the other hand has no earrings of any kind.
“Uh,” He said yawning, “Friend’s house. Having a party.”
“What!” Juliet declared storming over to him, “What did you do over there?”
“Juliet.” Ben said sternly, “He’s an adult; let him do what ever he wants.”
“No Ben.” She shrugged him off, “I cannot have him turning out like those teenagers on the news.” She turned to Sawyer, “What did you do at that party.” Juliet said her tone stiff.
“Nothing.”
“Some thing happened.” During this argument, Claire was taking notes to add to her journal.
“Well,” He began, “I met a girl, and we danced, had a few sheets and went to our own party at a bar. I drove her home, and I went back to Ivan’s house. That’s it.”
“No contact of any kind?”
“No.
“No drugs?”
“No.”
“No tickets?”
“No.”
“How many drinks?”
“2 beers.”
“Did you hurt the girl?”
“No.”
“Okay, go upstairs and take a shower. Your birthday party is soon.” Juliet said walking away to finish the dishes.
“Can’t go to the party mom.”
“Why?”
“Because I have a date with that girl I met.”
“Do you even know her name?” Claire asked, and everyone looked at her.
“When did you get here?”
“I was here the whole time.” Claire smirked, and continued to sweep the floor.
“And yes. I know her name. It’s Sandy. Sandy Wisen.” Sawyer turned and walked up the stairs, and Jack came down as Sawyer went up.
“Good morning Jack.” Ben said getting up from the table.
“Morning father.” Jack said while putting on his dark olive green shirt and buttoning his jeans. “What happened to bro?”
“Party last night.” Claire said as she started to walk out the back door unto the porch.
“Hey little sis!” Jack said and lifted her up into the air and hugged her.
“Hey older bro.” She said as she pushed him away. “Mother, I’m going to Sun’s be back soon.”
“Okay sweet heart.” Claire jumped off the deck and onto the trampoline and over the fence.
“Hey Sun.” She said as she walked over to the garden that Sun was leaning over. Her black hair pulled back in a pony tail.
“Well hello Claire. I saw Sawyer come home, did he have late night?”
“Yes, he met a girl.”
“Oh, any thing happen?”
“No, but he has a date with her tonight.”
“Does she have name?”
“Yes, Sandy Wisen.” Sun nodded and wiped her hands on a rag. Claire and Sun walked into sun’s house.





6/3/2089


Sawyer did something wrong. He lied, you could tell in his eyes and voice. His blood shot eyes told me that he did something wrong that he needs to do again.
Let me tell you the details of the story:
-he left late afternoon yesterday
-he was at his friend Ivan’s house
-he meet a girl at the party
-they danced
-drank
-went some where privet
-he came home late this morning
What do you think? He said he had to meet the girl about something about last night. Um, strange.
Well, Jack went on a date with his girlfriend and a bunch of friends to a concert but unlike Sawyer, he won’t be late out like him.

Sun and I went to the ice cream shop today. It was good. I guess all I can do is to watch Sawyer in the shadows of where I stand. Maybe Jack will no something? Maybe I should ask him. Thanks for the tips.


Knock knock. The light tap Claire’s door made her look up from her book. “Yes?”
“Claire,” It was Jack, “It’s me.” Smiling Claire sat up from her bed,
“Come on in.” She said and closed her journal.
“Hey Claire Bear.”
“What’s up? Why are you in here? You’re never in here. What did you do?” The words came out in a ramble.
“Slow down. It’s nothing. I want to talk with you and I did nothing.” Taking a breath, he sat down on her bed. “Do you know anything about Sawyer?”
“All I know is that he met a girl, and he has a date with her tomorrow.” Claire stated as she thought of the conversation this morning.
“There’s more to it. Mom doesn’t think you are maturely enough to understand what he has done.”
“I think 13 is old enough. I can handle it.” She said crossing her arms over her chest.
“Okay, well you know that he is now an adult.” Claire nodded, “When he went to this party, he-“ Jack stopped suddenly and Claire rubbed his forearm. “He took-“ another pause, “something that he is now addicted to after one try.”
“Like drugs?”
“Not actually. It’s called (put name here).”
“What does that mean?” You could see the fear in her eyes,
“It gives him the energy and the sensation that makes him feel good.”
“Like in the old times.”
“Yup. Mom and dad think that to keep you safe, they want to send you to an all girls school.” At the word, all girls, sent shivers down her spine.
“No.”
“But Claire bear.”
“No, I won’t get hurt. I want to stay here and with my friends. And one thing, an all girls school.” She said with more emotion, “I want to be with guys and hang out with them.”
“Well, mom doesn’t think so. She believes that putting a beautiful young woman like yourself in an environment like a middle school will turn you into another Sawyer.”
“Mom doesn’t know squat. What does dad think?” Claire whined as she lied back down and put her head on a pillow.
“He disagrees with mom completely. Dad wants you to go to a real school so you can get the social skills that you need.”
“I’m going with dad’s idea.” As they sat in silence, the uproar from the argument from the ‘rents.
“I better go calm them down. See you later kiddo.” Jack said and walked out of her room. Seconds later Claire was able to hear the muffled yell from Jack. “Guys! Stop arguing. Claire is upstairs and can hear every word your saying. I know your upset but do this in a positive manner.”
“Did you tell her?” That was mom’s yell,
“Of course I did.”
“Why?!” She is getting mad,
“She needed to know what was going on and what you guys are planning and she doesn’t get a say in anything!”
“Good idea Jack,” That was Ben,
“No, not a good idea.” Juliet grouched.
“Mom, she deserves to understand that everything in this world is not all good. Things are hiding in every corner that could hurt her. Sending her away to a girl’s home is not the right option. How do you know that there isn’t any kind of trouble at that home? Like neglect?”
“Jack, this is not a home. It’s a school. Also, it’s that best school around. I am not sending her away, I’m just transferring her to another school.”
“You can’t do this to her.
  





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Points: 890
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Fri Jun 20, 2008 2:06 am
LilSarahBreezy says...



I like it, I really do. There were a few grammatical errors, all of which can be explained by typing too fast. I liked your description at the beginning, but toward the end it seemed like you had stopped being as descriptive? Did you write this all at once? Because if you did, that would explain a lot because toward the end you were getting tired.

I also feel you have too much character development for the very beginning of a story. I understand that that is a beginning writer's curse-- I still do it sometimes. But you want to draw out things about characters, not say right up-front everything about them. Also, let us infer a little bit, don't tell us EVERYTHING. We're smart people. Also, you don't have to say "he did something wrong, i can tell in his voice" after just saying "Sawyer did something wrong" (sorry if i paraphrased).

Don't get discouraged!!! I can tell you're a good writer, you definitely have some raw talent, and I can't wait to read more.

ALSO!!! I think you need to read the rules real quickly, because you aren't supposed to put any of your own stuff up until you review at least two other people's works. I wanted to let you know before the Real People In Charge took over. I'll be sending you a PM letting you know as well. :lol:
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Sun Jun 22, 2008 8:48 pm
Aneke says...



When I say walking, I mean walking. Cars, are now illegal in the United states since 2040 (my father tells me) because they caused so much damage to the environment. To go out and about, you must either walk, bike, or use some of the public transportation like the water powered buses, or the air filterer powered airplanes.


This statement strikes me as a little out of place in the context of the story, which is supposed to be set in 2089. The character is describing a change that occurred forty years before, and it seems doubly odd since the character is a teen. Right now, in 2008, things that happened in the 60's are hardly noteworthy on a casual basis, right? Illegal gas-powered cars are not going to be a big deal to your protagonist. I would just show her going about her daily business.

Since gas powered cars are illegal, the people of the world get their goods from the factories on Mars, and Neptune where using the gases on those planets to power their factories like using water; it goes in and out. The workers there, must wear specially made suites when they walk out of their planes onto the planet to the building. As they get into the building they may take off their suites for the building has air.


Same goes for this. It's interesting, yes - but it seems unlikely that the protagonist will be explaining all this to us. It's everyday stuff to her. I also have a hard time believing a 13-year-old is going to be totally concerned about the suits workers on Neptune have to wear.

With the talk of money, my mother makes about $60 an hour, my father makes about $100 an hour, and my brothers together make about $20 an hour. I do not work yet, but I baby sit Kate and get about $10 an hour. So our family is very rich.


I'm sorry, but this raw information is kind of a turn-off for me. There are better ways to show that the family is rich. It also seems odd for a 13-year-old to be so overly concerned about exactly how much money her family members make.

Most the time I go into the room and watch some of my favorite shows like Sponge bob and anything on Nick or Disney. When I watch TV or play my Ds, I plop down on my king size bed and sink into the mattress.


Ummm...2089? And she still watches Sponge Bob? I don't think so. I don't see 13-year-olds in 2008 getting huge kicks out of watching Steamboat Willy. This is where writing sci-fi can get really fun. You get to make up everything that's cool in 2089, including television programming, and heck, whether or not she watches holograms or electronically activated plasma forms on her ceiling. Be creative!



This story does have interesting potential, especially when dealing with the consequences of Sawyer's actions and how the family interacts with one another. I think you've got something going here. :wink:
  





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Tue Jun 24, 2008 3:12 pm
Deifyance says...



Yeah, it was pretty good. I would suggest splitting the dates up. And there where a few grammer errors, too. Fix 'em and it'll be pretty good.
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Tue Jun 24, 2008 8:12 pm
Griffinkeeper says...



Several things strike me as being odd about this.

For one, it is set in the future, yet things seem written for a person in the past. When people write in diaries, they write for future readers (usually themselves) not for people in the past.

So, talking about things like how cars are illegal wouldn't really be important to her, since they are not critical information. Neither are water powered cars or air powered airplanes (not sure how that works). She wouldn't care where her goods come from (Neptune, Mars, China, what's the difference?)

What you're doing is trying to tell the reader all the things that have changed since present time, but this is bad. You should show your characters interacting with the future, not tell them about what is going on.

Think about it, are you going to write about how the internet is being used instead of typewriters? Or are you going to talk about the cool things you saw on myspace?

Stop thinking about your readers and start thinking about how your character is interacting with the setting and the other characters.
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Mon Jul 07, 2008 11:13 pm
shutdownpupppymills says...



This is very good except a few errors

“Cool, my name is Claire. What’s ours?”To the United States because the leader of North Korea took to much control and torture of the citizens of the country, that the family immigrated to the U.S when she was about 5. Sun is 13 like me, and she and I are the best of friends that friends can be. I met Sun when she and I were


Change ours to yours, and i would change the last part to her family came to the United States because the leader of North Korea took to much control and torture of the ctizens of the country and lose "I met Sun when she and I were"

Life at home is not at all quite. I can never get a moment of peace of quite to read; only late at night but then I would be very tired in the morning.. Jack and Sawyer ALWAYS fight, and then Kate screams and mother yells


Change i would be to I'm.

My bed is king size, with white downy comforter


It shpould be with A white downy conforter.

“No Ben.” She shrugged him off, “I cannot have him turning out like those teenagers on the news.” She turned to Sawyer, “What did you do at that party.” Juliet said her tone stiff.


"What did you do at that party?" It should be with a question mark

Well,” He began, “I met a girl, and we danced, had a few sheets and went to our own party at a bar. I drove her home, and I went back to Ivan’s house. That’s it.”


It should be drinks not sheets

Well, Jack went on a date with his girlfriend and a bunch of friends to a concert but unlike Sawyer, he won’t be late out like him.


It would make more sense if you had " he wasnt out late"

Sun and I went to the ice cream shop today. It was good. I guess all I can do is to watch Sawyer in the shadows of where I stand. Maybe Jack will no something? Maybe I should ask him. Thanks for the tips.


It should be know not no
  








grammar is hard and i dislike it immensely
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