z

Young Writers Society


Think (chapter three)



User avatar
114 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1894
Reviews: 114
Tue Jul 01, 2008 7:21 am
RoryLegend says...



Chapter Three

I stood in front of the same statue I had hidden behind yester for half an hour, and watched as the Professor, Caleb, Kwest, Victoria, and Hailey filed into the library. At 7:59 I smoothed out my skirt and walked across the street. I felt awkward in my skirt and shirt that was the same color as the roses in the pattern on the skirt; I usually didn’t dress so formal. What does one wear to a mind reading meeting? I felt out of place in my own body as I climbed the steps and walked into the library. The librarian gave an exasperated thought of …oh no not her again… as I walked past the main desk.

My heart began to beat faster and my breathing elevated. I knew they didn’t want to hurt me now, but I was still nervous. I had never met anyone else who shared my abilities, and they seemed to understand them a lot more. I walked past the last shelf in the stacks and turned to see them all sitting at the same table they had been at yesterday.

“Hello Miss Kaplan,” The Professor said looking up at me, “care to join us for a game.” He cut and shuffled a deck of cards. I looked around to see a few students engulfed in their books then nodded and took a seat. The Professor began sliding cards across the table to each of us in turn.

“What are we playing?” I asked.

“Go fish.” Hailey replied pulling her cards up from the table. I left my hands in my lap and leaned in.

“Professor Stobbs why are we playing go fish?” I whispered. He shook his head and motioned for me to pick up my cards. I slid each card off the table one by one and into my hands. I looked down at them to see not only a two, eight, ace, and six; but there was also writing, instructions.

On the two it read, “Don’t say anything, and don’t ask any questions.”

The eight read, “Look in the left corner, there is a video camera. That camera wasn’t here yesterday, somebody is watching us.” Sure enough there was a camera in the corner aimed right at the table. I threw a confused look at the Professor and opened my mouth to say something but he just shook his head. I looked back at my cards.

The ace read, “We have to leave without causing any suspicion, someone could also be following us.”
The six said, “Ask Caleb if he has a four.”

“Hey, Caleb?” Caleb looked up at me like he already knew what I was going to ask him, “Do you have a four?” He nodded and slid the card to me face down on the table. I picked the card up to find more instructions.

The four read, “Put your cards down, stand up and say you have an appointment. Leave the library and go to your dorm, someone will come for you.” I looked up at the others and nodded. I set my cards face down on the table, and stood up.

“I’m sorry but I forgot I have an appointment, maybe I can get a rain check on the game?” Professor Stobbs nodded and I slid my backpack on.

“Can I come by your place later? I think I dropped my i.d. card last night.” Caleb asked not looking up but staring very intently at his cards. I nodded a little confused and then turned and walked away from the table. My hands were shaking as I left the library. I went down the steps and crossed the street. I let my feet guide me back to the Aston only half paying attention to where I was going; my keen direction sense kicking in and leaving me with time to think. The thoughts of the people I pushed through on the sidewalk slurred together they way they always do when I feel crowded. I only caught random words as I made my way along the sidewalk.

I was worried about the possibility that I was being followed. Who could be watching us? Why would someone be watching us? I had gotten in way over my head; I began regretting coming to D.C. in the first place. I kept my eyes set on the sidewalk catching glimpses of other people’s shoes as they passed me.

The elevator couldn’t get to the fourth floor fast enough. I nearly ran to my dorm and locked the door behind me. I finally felt safe, for the most part anyways. I dropped my back pack on the ground next to the door and sat down on the bed. I still hadn’t unpacked, but I couldn’t even move. What had I gotten myself into? I pictured all of us being strapped to cold metal stretchers in an underground government facility as men in white conducted tests on us. I shuddered. I don't know how long I sat on my bed silently, I couldn't even bring myself to look at the clock. I felt fear and sence of urgency although I wasn't really sure why. I jumped when there was a knock at the door.

I felt lightheaded as I stood and walked towards the door, “W-who is it?” I asked through the wood, my voice shaking slightly as I did.

“It’s Caleb; I came to look for my i.d. card.” I undid the lock and opened the door. He walked in with his finger to his lips and I nodded showing I understood. He wanted me to stay quiet. He began walking around the room and went into the bedroom. He pulled lamp shades off, looked under the bed, in the kitchen cabinets, on the ceiling, and in the door knobs. He stood from looking under the couch and nodded, “Alright, it’s okay, the rooms safe.”

“Safe? What were you looking for?” I asked still standing by the door that was hanging half open. Caleb walked over and pushed the door shut before answering.

“I was looking for bugs.” He said simply.

“Bugs?” I asked raising my eyebrows at him, I was getting a little frazzled, “And what was all of that at the library?”

“I was looking to see if there were any microphones or cameras in here, if they started watching us at the library they could be watching us anywhere.”

“Who are they?” I asked.

“Look, Kevin will explain everything. We have to go now.” He said, then grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the room. He didn’t let go of my hand as we walked through the Aston, or on the sidewalk, he did not let go of my hand until we arrived outside a small room in the basement of a building I had never been in; and he still held onto my hand as we entered room number 108.

“Good you made it.” Professor Stobbs said. Veronica looked at our connected hands and raised her eyebrows at us; I quickly pulled my hand from Caleb’s grasp.

“Her room was clean.” Caleb said referring to his search for the bugs in my dorm room.

“We’ll have to be more careful.” Kwest said leaning against a desk covered in papers. It appeared we were in an office. There was a chair behind the desk that had a jacket hanging on it, there was a few pictures of famous places hanging on the white walls and there was a longer table at the other end of the room with chairs around it. I looked back at the desk Kwest was leaning against and saw a name plate on it that said: Prof. Kevin Stobbs, “Maybe start talking in code. If the government is watching they are not going to stop just because we check for bugs.” Kwest finished picking up a stapler from the desk.

“How could they have found out?” Veronica asked seating herself in the chair behind the desk. The Professor opened his mouth to say something but I interrupted him.

“Professor, why would the government be watching us?” I asked, feeling like it was a stupid question.

“Call me Kevin, Emery.” He said unrolling some blue sheets of paper onto the table.

“Alright, Kevin,” I immediately felt awkward when I called the Professor by his first name, “you still didn’t answer my question.” I said in a false brave voice.

“No I didn’t, did I?” He replied a smile sliding over his face, “You see Emery-“

“Kevin, I think we should wait.” Kwest protested setting the stapler down and eyeing me suspiciously, “We didn’t start getting watched until she came along, for all we know she could be working for the government!” I felt tacken aback, I was not working for the government but I sure was being blamed.

“Kwest you have already voiced your paranoia,” Hailey stepped in, “she is one of us, we have to tell her.”

“Maybe Kwest is right, how do we know we can trust her enough to tell her.” Veronica argued.
“I think we should tell her, we have no real reason not to.” Caleb said leaning against the door and looking through the small window out into the hallway.

“Tell me what?” I finally asked in exasperation. Everyone fell silent and looked at Kevin who was standing with his hands in his pockets and rocking back on his feet.

“Emery, you have to realize that once you are in, you are in for good. This is the point of no return. We can help you with your money problems, and you ability; but you have to trusts us and help us in return.” I stood there in contemplation. While I couldn’t deny that I needed money and wanted to learn more about my ability; there was something looming in the air. We all stood in silence until I came to a final decision.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So this is the third chapter, it is still just a first draft so there are most likely errors and definatly parts that can be improved, I appreciate any crits and help that you guys can give me.

I hope you liked the chapter..the next one will be along shortly :)
All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, and I promise you something great will come of it.

-Benjamin Mee
  





User avatar
16 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 16
Tue Jul 01, 2008 6:25 pm
cammie4 says...



Might I just first start out by saying I'm really liking the way this story is going. You have a reasonable combination of suspense, mystery, and romance (well judging from what I've read up to now). I think you've established the character of Emery very well, and made her someone readers can relate to. At least I can relate to her :P.

I do have a few suggestions, though. First of all, this sentence bothered me and I read it over a few times until I figured out what my problem was:
I began regretting coming to D.C. in the first place
To me, it seems like it should be "I began to regret coming to D.C. in the first place." Having the regretting be next to the coming makes the phrase sound a bit repetitive. But I don't know, you might want to have someone else's opinion on it.

Also, like I said on the last chapter, you seem to be putting periods at the end of dialogue when they shouldn't be there. For example, instead of putting, "Hello." Cammie said, you would put, "Hello," Cammie said.

So yeah, that's pretty much all I have right now. Oh, and I wanted to say that that was pretty clever with the Go Fish and stuff. Love the story and I can't wait to read more!
  





User avatar
114 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1894
Reviews: 114
Wed Jul 02, 2008 5:19 am
RoryLegend says...



NOTICE:

Some of the writing in this chapter and future chapters may be a little confusing just because I edited the first two chapters and am continuing from the edits I did in those..sorry about that. I am not editing any of the chapters until it is finished so it makes sense to the people who are following it. After I finish it I will go back and use reviews and edit all of it. Then if you want a copy of the final draft just pm me and give me your e mail adress and I will send it to you as an attachment.

So this is just a warning that there may be a few confusing parts.
All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, and I promise you something great will come of it.

-Benjamin Mee
  





User avatar
135 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 135
Sat Jul 19, 2008 5:33 am
niccy_v says...



Great, it's getting much better. You're lacking emotion and proper descriptions. Use that brain of yours and show off how intelligent you are by flaunting a quality vocab.

I hate the word 'said' being repeated. Drones the story along and is horrible. There are a thousand more words to use like stammer, whisper, hiss, sigh, laughed, burst, boast, roared, snapped. Use a wider selection of words to convey more connection or distance betwen characters.

Again everything happens so fast. Slow down and put in more description and develop the plot. Quality not quantity. A shorter, fatter chapter is better than a longer, trickling chapter.

Dialogue is pretty good, but you're using plurals a lot and mis-spelling a lot of words, which i picked up on. Good all around effort, i'll get along to fourth later on. Great job!
Writing gives my life purpose
  





User avatar
713 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 7740
Reviews: 713
Mon Jul 21, 2008 12:02 am
BigBadBear says...



RoryLegend,

This part was bloody brilliant! I stand in awe at your magnificence!

Someone mentioned this in an earlier critique on another chapter, and they said that this was a page turner. It is. I just can’t read this fast enough. -.- You are too cool.

I was reading way too fast to pick up on anything besides the few grammar errors in the line-by-line attachment below. I hope you can find it a bit useful. Since I really want this to be a 50 point critique, I’ll tell you what I liked about it:

Go fish was amazingly planned out. I’m serious. It could not have been written better. My eyes were glued to the screen the whole time. You worded it in the perfect way. I love the fact that everyone is so smooth! They can do everything discreetly without alarming whoever was taping them. Well done.

I can’t wait to read more

-Jared
Attachments
RoryLegen (3).doc
(28.5 KiB) Downloaded 39 times
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  





User avatar
64 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1190
Reviews: 64
Tue Jul 22, 2008 1:32 am
Syte says...



I had hidden behind yesterday for half an hour


I felt awkward in my [s]skirt and [/s]shirt that was the same color as the roses in the pattern on the skirt


. The librarian gave an exasperated thought of "Oh no! Not her again,"as I walked past the main desk.


“Professor Stobbs, why are we playing go fish?”


“I’m sorry but I forgot I have an appointment. Maybe I can get a rain check on the game?”


“Can I come by your place later? I think I dropped my I.D. card last night.”


“It’s Caleb; I came to look for my I.D. card.”


“You see, Emery-“


I can see it's really building up :)
  








There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
— William Shakespeare