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Children of Tokua. Chapter 1. Part 1. (Feedback Appreciated)



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Sat Dec 05, 2009 11:13 pm
Suzuhara says...



Hey Everyone, I'm Suzu and I'm posting an edited version of this chapter. Please tell me your thoughts from general impressions to anything that comes up. I appreciate all your help. Thanks in advance! ^_^

Zackaria Kato flew thirty thousand feet in the air. Nothing could hurt her this high up on her sky jet-board. She was untouchable. Invincible. Free.
Her heart drummed along to the fast electronica music spilling from her helmet’s earphones. The hypnotic beat moved her imagination to an ecstasy filled world without bounds. She exhaled in quick spurts out her nose with a wide grin behind her helmet’s oxygen mask. Harsh winds battered her sky suit, gripping her bones with chills. But the pain empowered her. Pain meant she was alive.
Chrisa zoomed past her, almost touching her shoulder. “Thought you were winning, huh?”
Her sister’s voice registered over Zackaria’s helmet receiver. She scoffed. “I won’t lose.” She tapped a few buttons on her right hand’s control glove. The sequence accelerated her board’s speed to match that of her sister. She leaned back, driving her board higher into the air. Flying above Chrisa, she prepared to bend forward to regain her lead, but her sister sprinted ahead like a light beam.
Zackaria gaped. How did Chrisa shoot hundreds of feet ahead in such little time?
“She must have tweaked her board,” Meliz explained. Zackaria’s second sister sighed. “I’m hanging back to enjoy some air. You two do what you want.”
Zackaria rolled her eyes, unsurprised. Meliz held little interest in competing in their races. Zackaria turned her attention to Chrisa. “No cheating next time, got that?”
“Jealous much?” Chrisa said. “Watch this!”
Chrisa stopped her board midair and unlocked her feet from the security straps. Free, she dived into the air, extending her arms like a bird and leaving her board to float alone.
A sharp knife of panic twisted in Zackaria’s chest. “What are you doing? Get back on your board before you kill yourself!” Why did Chrisa find it entertaining to worry her?
Her sister performed multiple flips in the air and turned her back to the ground. The wind whipped her long blond hair like banners in a storm. “You two should try this!”
“Chrisa, please! Get back on your board,” Meliz said.
“Okay, okay. Wow, such killjoys.” Chrisa punched several keys on her control glove, but her jet-board did not move. She jammed her fingers on the keypad, but still no response came from her vehicle. “My board won’t come to me. Something must be broken!”
“Release your parachute now!” Zackaria ordered.
Chrisa pressed a key on the electronic pad on her chest to release her chute, but nothing happened. “It’s not working either! I don’t get it. What’s going on? Nothing I do works…I just…” She hit the key too hard, her finger poking through the device. “Oh my God…Oh my God! Omigodomigodomigod! Help me!”
Zackaria plunged, pushing her board’s speed beyond the safety limits to reach her sister. Her head pounded from frustration. Fear swelled in her chest so much that it pushed up against her throat, choking her breath. She felt the moist of tears threatening the corner of her eyes, but she swallowed hard, fighting them back. No. I will save her. She is not going to die.
“Hurry!” Chrisa stretched out her arms.
Zackaria’s eyes clamped shut. Her sister’s screams overpowered her receiver, splitting her ears.
No, I won’t let you die, Chrisa.
She opened her eyes, shaking her head. The distance between her and Chrisa would not close. It felt to increase instead. Her sister frantically waved her arms, kicking her legs.
I won’t let you die.
A red haze clouded her vision. Pain ripped apart her chest.
“I WON’T LET YOU DIE!”
The blue October sky turned black, raining menacing streaks of lightening.
Zackaria felt her body throb three times; her skin tingled with each strong vibration. A purple glyph the size of her palm appeared in front of her. It possessed cryptic writings and star points that shone bright gold. It burst into a plethora of smaller replicas that encircled her legs, arms, chest, and head. The seals spun with maddening speed that disintegrated her jet-board and helmet.
A burning cold sensation radiated from Zackaria’s chest to the rest of her body. Her caramel skin tone peeled away to reveal bronze skin and her jet-black hair grew longer, flowing down to her heels and changing into a deep violet hue.
An uncomfortable itch prickled her back, giving way to golden wings that burst out. Large electric sparks spewed from her ghostly wings. Thick brilliant cords of electricity coiled around her arms and legs.
The seals reduced the speed of their rotation around her body.
Zackaria tightened her fists. Cold scorched her hands like fire and electric bolts shot forth from them. Her heart galloped, leaving her breath behind.
Chrisa! Without wasting another thought, Zackaria flapped her wings and flew down to rescue her. She reached Chrisa in mere seconds. Elated, she wrapped her arms around her sister who nearly crushed Zackaria’s ribs with a tight hug. “Ouch! Are you that happy to be alive?”
“I thought I was gonna die!” Chrisa said with a crack in her voice. Her teary blue eyes were wide with shock and fear. “How on earth did this happen to you?” she whispered, ignoring the joke.
Zackaria turned somber. “I don’t know…. I don’t know,” she answered, her voice nearly inaudible. She scrambled for an explanation, but her mind came empty. She felt cold, powerful, afraid, everything! Her thoughts and feelings were a splattered mess in her brain. She could not pinpoint what to feel exactly or how to react. Nothing made sense. More than anything, she felt confused. Lost. Misplaced in time and location.
Chrisa touched the electric cords on Zackaria’s arm. Her fingers passed through them as if they were an illusion. She shook her head, gaping.
“This is so unreal. Your eyes are gold and…your skin, your hair… everything has changed. And you’re flying….with wings that don’t even seem to be there. How did you do this? Even the sky changed color!”
“I said I don’t know! It just happened!”
Chrisa yelped, recoiling from her sister. “What’s the matter with you? You’re eyes are shining bright!”
“What are you talking about?” Zackaria growled. She didn’t see any special light that her sister mentioned.
“Stop it, Zackie. You’re really scaring me right now!”
Zackaria groaned. A fiery pain split the back of her head in half. She trembled. “We need to land. Tell Meliz, we’ll meet her at the regular place.”
Chrisa nodded and sent the message through her communicator.
Breathing hurt Zackaria’s chest. Why do I feel like I just finished running a freakin’ marathon! She made it the old abandoned library building, surrounded by a deserted area that gave her and her sister privacy after their time jet-boarding.
Once Zackaria’s feet touched the ground, a flash of light slashed across her eyes. She screamed, releasing Chrisa and falling on her knees. The fine hairs on her back stood up as her body blazed with cold fire. The cords of electricity around her flared and multiplied, jumping and swerving all over the place. They slammed the ground, shredding it into pieces. Others hit the side of the library building and sent debris flying everywhere.
“Chrisa, get away from me before you get hurt!”
“I don’t understand! What’s happening to you?” her sister cried.
“Just get away! Now!”
Zackaria scraped the ground with her fingers. Someone, please stop this!
An alien feeling entered mind. Her stomach rumbled, wanting to heave out her lunch. No…this isn’t me. She couldn’t stand it any longer. Shaking her head, Zackaria tried chasing away the desire. The hunger to destroy everything in sight. This isn’t me. I would never want that!
She clutched her head and gritted her teeth. Leave me alone!
She hungered to create chaos and…to end the world.
That’s not what I want! Leave me alone!
Her wings shattered into millions of bright shards that fluttered up frantically into the air. The strange seals that floated around her merged and disappeared into her skin, which returned to its original tone. The cords of electricity vanished and her hair lost its purple hue and extra length.
Foreign voices speaking an exotic language overlapped in her ears, but she understood each word.
Why do they all fear me? Why do they hate me so much? Why!?
Because you are a child of chaos.
Why did you make this way?
That’s simple. I wanted you to control chaos.
Zackaria widened her eyes, but all she perceived in the light was a tall woman facing away from her. The stranger’s deep purple hair fell to her knees and a long sword rested in a silver sheath strapped to her back.
Who are you? Zackaria reached out her hand. The woman began to turn her head, but her image faded before revealing her face.
Zackaria closed her eyes and waited a moment. When she opened them, she returned to reality.
“Zackie, are you all right!” Chrisa asked, grabbing her shoulders.
She shook her head, unable to comprehend what she had experienced, heard, and saw. “I don’t know. I just don’t know!” She slapped her hands over face. Although all the pain had disappeared, the memory haunted her. What was all that? The power, the voices, and that strange woman? She wanted to know what it all meant. She had to. What would happen if she transformed again? Zackaria clenched her fists. No. She could not imagine herself repeating that same nightmare.
“I can’t believe this happened to you,” Meliz said, helping Zackaria to her feet. “We should go home right away. It’s not safe.”
Zackaria nodded in agreement. Her muscles ached, increasing her fatigue. Hiding beneath the covers of her bed sounded like heaven. As she stood up, something caught the corner of her eye. She whisked her head around.
A girl with long black hair, the edges laced with the color of hot pink, hid behind a metal pillar. She smiled, but not kindly.
She saw us. She saw me. Zackaria stepped forward, but the girl tucked her body away, disappearing from sight. That girl…she looks familiar. She brushed her eyebrows with her fingers, trying to remember where she last saw the face.
“What is it? Are you feeling strange again?” Meliz asked. “Don’t tell you think you’re going to transform again!” She furrowed her brows in worry.
“No, definitely not! It’s nothing.” Zackaria waved it away, but the stranger’s presence still disturbed her. She sighed. “Let’s just go home.”
Last edited by Suzuhara on Thu Dec 10, 2009 3:13 am, edited 1 time in total.
With tears in my eyes and blood in my hands, I pull through and conquer my fears. ~Zackaria Kato

Please check out my blog: sammysuzuhara.blogspot.com
  





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Sun Dec 06, 2009 9:25 pm
narniafreak12 says...



HI! I'm Narnifreak! I just wanted to say Wow! That was really good. I really liked it and it kept me reading... =]

How did Chrisa shoot hundreds of feet ahead in such little time?

Did Zackaria say this out loud or in her head? Because there were no quotes yet Meliz answered this question in the next sentence.

Why did Chrisa find it entertaining to worry her?

You might want to make this into Zackaria's thoughts only because random questions/comments can be a drag in the story

No. I will save her. She is not going to die

Thoughts should be in italics so readers can distinguish between what's happening and what's being thought.

It felt to increase instead

This sounds odd to me. Maybe change to "It felt like it was increasing instead"

Cold scorched her hands like fire

How can "cold" scorch and be anything like fire? I thought it was the opposite.

as her body blazed with cold fire

Again, how can fire be cold?

What was all that? The power, the voices, and that strange woman? She wanted to know what it all meant. She had to. What would happen if she transformed again?

I know I keep bothering you about this, but please make it her thoughts so it fits in the with the story better! PLEASE!

Anyways I thought this was very interesting and good. I like your descriptions of flying and her transformation. Keep writing. I'd like to read more of this story and find out what is going on! =]

-Narniafreak!
  





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Mon Dec 07, 2009 12:49 am
Suzuhara says...



Thanks Narniafreak for the review! Hehe, I'll go back and fix those thoughts problems. I thought I italicized all the thoughts, but I guess I missed some. >_< Thanks again for the review! I'm glad you liked it.
With tears in my eyes and blood in my hands, I pull through and conquer my fears. ~Zackaria Kato

Please check out my blog: sammysuzuhara.blogspot.com
  





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Fri Dec 25, 2009 4:32 pm
napalmerski says...



Yo,
I must say, the plot develops at breakneck speed! Figuratively and literaly hehe.
Obviously this is the near future on Earth or an Earth-like planet.
Perhaps I am prejudiced because of the title, but manga images flashed through my brain as I read this piece. Which is very good. When specific images flash in the reader's mind - the author is righting convincingly.
The bit with turning into a flying chaos machine was a bit chaotic, if you'll pardon the pun. But all in all - a very intense style very intruiging seeds of a plot.
But her sister's finger going right through the device? What is it made of? Paper? :D
Hope to see more soon
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness.
Robert Howard
  





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Fri Dec 25, 2009 5:47 pm
Suzuhara says...



Thanks so much for reading Napalmerski! You're not the first one to say that this reading reminded them of manga or anime. This is actually what I'm trying to go for without it being too cliche. So I hope it works as something manga-inspired, but original. Yeah, it's funny that Chrisa pokes through the device--she isn't aware of her own strength yet! :)
With tears in my eyes and blood in my hands, I pull through and conquer my fears. ~Zackaria Kato

Please check out my blog: sammysuzuhara.blogspot.com
  








The greatest part of a writer’s time is spent in reading, in order to write; a man will turn over half a library to make one book.
— Samuel Johnson