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The Velvet Assassin-Prolouge



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Tue Dec 29, 2009 3:30 am
Silversun says...



This is kind of a baby of mine, although I'm not really too far into it. Please rip it apart though. It becomes a love/adventure story later on so I didn't know what to post it as, but for this chapter, I suppose it works as Sci-Fi.

~*~

Prologue

My birth, according to all records, never technically happened. Although it would seem the fact I sit here writing these memoirs seems to contradict that statement entirely.

My mother, an actress, married an Italian noble, but that wouldn’t slow down my mother’s love of the party and men at all. She had me, out of wedlock, with the doctor who gave her various new surgeries. How traditional. The Italian, as I call him, was downright furious when he found out the beautiful baby girl in my mother’s womb, was not actually his.

They faked a miscarriage, and then claimed my mother was too devastated to come out of the house and into the public. After the appropriate amount of time though, I was born, and my parents were faced with a whole new set of problems. Who on earth was going to adopt me, and who would truly keep it a secret? They talked around with some of their most trusted friends and allies in the cruel world of publicity, and they all pointed them to one man, my adoptive father, Mr. Broughbuff.

Mr. Broughbuff was a billionaire who was the head of a scientific research facility and a notable society member. He was a social butterfly; always posing for a picture for the papers, or donating money to a worthy charity.

After a single meeting with him, I was officially his child. They signed away not only their rights as parents, but my rights as a child. I was his property, to use or dispose of. But he was a kind man, giving me anything I had ever dreamed of from the age of well…the first day he got me.

Before, I had been nameless and the bastard daughter of a doctor and an actress, and then I was Bianca Broughbuff, the gorgeous daughter of a billionaire and his silent yet lovely wife. Sadly though, Mrs. Broughbuff passed away one year after I was accepted into their household, and I was all that he had left.

He never gave me a birth date though. Something, that I think, was the first clue to how much I would owe to him, and how much I would have to give back.

~*~


“Ms. Broughbuff, your father demands I wake you up,” the metallic voice rang through my bedroom. I knew it was coming from the speakers, since it was RISH, a program my father had come up with himself. RISH was a Robotic Intelligence Simulated Human-form, in other words and extremely smart robot that ran my household, and most households across the world.

“Too early,” I managed to croak. All the curtains in my room were extremely thick and dark, and kept any light from entering, which I appreciated right now. My head pounded, probably from my previous night, and my throat was prickly and dry. I could feel the makeup on my face, which itched from being left on all night while I slept. My long body was stretched randomly across the bed, with various limbs flopping randomly all over the place.

“He says that I may use drastic measures if need be,” Butler, the name I gave my RISH system, informed me. It was way too early for whatever my father though was going on. It was like, ten o’clock. Didn’t he know the meaning of sleeping in after a long night being out on the town? I managed stir a few of my limbs and saw I still had on my glitter-caked dress from the night before.

“Tell him to give me a moment,” I said, somehow managing to make my brain function just enough to get the sentence out.

“He says you have exactly one moment, that’s all,” Butler loudly announced. Ugh, I groaned, what in the world could possibly be so important? I was nineteen now, finally free of his mansion and in my own apartment, and here he was at blasted ten in the morning!

I stood up and walked into my bathroom. Clothes lay scattered all over the place, but I ignored them. Instead, I merely added to the chaos by slipping off my dress and searching the ground for a robe and loose pajama pants. I found them and wearily slipped them on and then shuffled over to my sink. I started the water and splashed it on my face before it became too warm, just to wake me up. Then, I removed the glittery make up with a washcloth and wetted my hair back into a glossy bun. My dark curls simmered in even the dim light.

I, being a heiress after all, looked into the mirror and gazed at my perfect face. Now, some would be critical saying that it wasn’t indeed perfect at all, but it truly was in every sense of the word. Since I had been fourteen, daddy had let me under the knife. He used his best doctors to make my face perfectly symmetrical, to make my eyes wide and childlike always, and to give me perfect large frosty pink lips. Also, the doctors sculpted my body into something that stopped men dead in their tracks on the sidewalk. All thanks to the official Bank of Daddy’s Cash Flow.

I looked into my shining blue eyes. They too were practically a work of art. The surgeons had implanted sparkly threads of purple, gold and silver so that no matter what, my eyes would catch the light and literally shine. Now, my perfect body wasn’t too uncommon, oh no, almost all the movie stars looked like this now; their face perfectly symmetrical, their eyes whatever colors they wanted. It was becoming cheaper and cheaper to become beautiful.

But I had been one of the first.

“He says now,” Butler announced once again. Since when did Butler learn how to be so sassy, I wondered. I briskly walked out of my bathroom, through my bedroom and into the living room.

He didn’t look happy by any means. My father, a tall, wide shouldered man with graying hair and inky blue eyes sat with his legs crossed on my couch. He had on a tux, like normal and his bowler hat covered what I could tell were furrowed eyebrows. His cane was tapping impatiently on the floor. All in all, it led for an extremely nerve-wracking experience. His face was symmetrical, yet he had kept his lips and nose exactly as they were before, just not evenly proportioned. His eyes though were almost black. It unnerved me. Why would you possibly get such a threatening look, I wondered, why not be light all the time?

“Let’s go,” he said as he stood up. It didn’t look like I really had any choice, but I was completely un-presentable for any paparazzi pictures that were sure to happen when we took a step outside.

“But daddy, I really need to get ready first,” I said in my wind chime voice. He looked at me, and for the first time in my life I was scared of him. Before, I had always been able to manipulate him, but not he looked utterly in control. It wasn’t like him. The anger lines did nothing good for his face. He needed those smile lines I was so used to. Where was my daddy?

“Now,” he hissed. He linked his arm through mine and we started off down my apartment complex’s hall.

“But what about the papara-“ I stared.

“There surely won’t be any where we’re going,” he replied. I noticed men in black at the end of each hallway, all equipped with high performance gear that my father’s company made. For the first time in a long time, I forgot about headaches, parties, and mischief, and wondered what in the world was truly going on
Have you ever smelled sunshine? Have you tasted the color orange? I know how you can... post880303.html#p880303

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Tue Dec 29, 2009 5:02 am
Mentalist says...



Silversun wrote:This is kind of a baby of mine, although I'm not really too far into it. Please rip it apart though. It becomes a love/adventure story later on so I didn't know what to post it as, but for this chapter, I suppose it works as Sci-Fi.

~*~

Prologue

My birth, according to all records, never technically happened. Althoughcomma it would seem the fact I sit here writing these memoirs seems to contradict that statement entirely.You said seems twice, in the same sentence.

My mother, an actress, married an Italian noble, but that wouldn’t slow down my mother’sInstead, just type "her" in place of "my mother's", you already said who it is in the beginning of the sentence. love of the party and men at all. She had me, out of wedlock, with the doctor who gave her various new surgeries. How traditional. The Italian, as I call him, was downright furious when he found out the beautiful baby girl in my mother’s womb, was not actually his.

They faked a miscarriage, and then claimed my mother was too devastated to come out of the house and into the public. Oh, reminds me of 'August Rush', that was a great movie. After the appropriate amount of time though, I was born, and my parents were faced with a whole new set of problems. Oh, not like 'August Rush', darn. Who on earth was going to adopt me, and who would truly keep it a secret? They talked around with some of their most trusted friends and allies in the cruel world of publicity, and they all pointed them to one man, my adoptive father, Mr. Broughbuff. Why not just send the child to an adoption center? Wouldn't that be easier?

Mr. Broughbuff was a billionaire who was the head of a scientific research facility and a notable society member. He was a social butterfly; always posing for a picture for the papers, or donating money to a worthy charity. This seems like an info dump. When are we going to get to something interesting?

After a single meeting with him, I was officially his child. They signed away not only their rights as parents, but my rights as a child. I was his property, to use or dispose of. But he was a kind man, giving me anything I had ever dreamed of from the age of well…the first day he got me. So, the character is basically a slave?

Before, I had been nameless and the bastard daughter of a doctor and an actress, and then I was Bianca Broughbuff, the gorgeous daughter of a billionaire and his silentcomma yet lovely wife. Sadly though, Mrs. Broughbuff passed away one year after I was accepted into their household, and I was all that he had left.

He never gave me a birth date though. Something, that I think, was the first clue to how much I would owe to him, and how much I would have to give back.

~*~


“Ms. Broughbuff, your father demands I wake you up,” the metallic voice rang through my bedroom. I knew it was coming from the speakers, since it was RISH, a program my father had come up with himself. RISH was a Robotic Intelligence Simulated Human-form,I think you can reword this part of the sentence by saying, "RISH: Robotic Intelligence Simulated Human-Form" it sounds better, in my opinion. in other wordscomma andan extremely smart robot that ran my household, and most households across the world.

“Too early,” I managed to croak. All the curtains in my room were extremely thick and dark, and kept any light from entering, which I appreciated right now. My head pounded, probably from my previous night, and my throat was prickly and dry. I could feel the makeup on my face, which itched from being left on all night while I slept. My long body was stretched randomly across the bed, with various limbs flopping randomly all over the place.

“He says that I may use drastic measures if need be,” Butler, the name I gave my RISH system, informed me. It was way too early for whatever my father though was going on. It was like, ten o’clock. Didn’t he know the meaning of sleeping in after a long night being out on the town? I managed stir a few of my limbs and saw I still had on my glitter-caked dress from the night before.

“Tell him to give me a moment,” I said, somehow managing to make my brain function just enough to get the sentence out.

“He says you have exactly one moment, that’s all,” Butler loudly announced. Ugh, I groaned, what in the world could possibly be so important? I was nineteen now, finally free of his mansion and in my own apartment, and here he was at blasted ten in the morning!

I stood up and walked into my bathroom. Clothes lay scattered all over the place, but I ignored them. Instead, I merely added to the chaos by slipping off my dress and searching the ground for a robe and loose pajama pants. I found them and wearily slipped them on and then shuffled over to my sink. I started the water and splashed it on my face before it became too warm, just to wake me up. Then, I removed the glittery make up with a washcloth and wetted wetted? I don't remember that being a word. It should be, 'wet'. Well, I don't think that would sound good with the sentence. You should reword it. my hair back into a glossy bun. My dark curls simmered in even the dim light.
So far, you're telling, now showing. "I did this, then that, then this." That's what it's reading like to me.

I, being a I think it's 'an heiress'. heiress after all, looked into the mirror and gazed at my perfect face. Now, some would be critical saying that it wasn’t indeed perfect at all, but it truly was in every sense of the word. Since I had been fourteen, daddy had let me under the knife. He used his best doctors to make my face perfectly symmetrical, to make my eyes wide and childlike always, and to give me perfect large frosty pink lips. Also, the doctors sculpted my body into something that stopped men dead in their tracks on the sidewalk. All thanks to the official Bank of Daddy’s Cash Flow. o.o Someone should slap that girl. Right across the face. *slap* Conceited little... *mutters under breath*

I looked into my shining blue eyes. They too were practically a work of art. The surgeons had implanted sparkly threads of purple, gold and silver so that no matter what, my eyes would catch the light and literally shine. Now, my perfect body wasn’t too uncommon, oh no, almost all the movie stars looked like this now; their face perfectly symmetrical, their eyes whatever colors they wanted. It was becoming cheaper and cheaper to become beautiful. So, she got eye tattoos?

But I had been one of the first.

“He says now,” Butler announced once again. Since when did Butler learn how to be so sassy, I wondered. I briskly walked out of my bathroom, through my bedroom and into the living room.

He didn’t look happy by any means. My father, a tall, wide shouldered man with graying hair and inky blue eyes sat with his legs crossed on my couch. He had on a tux, like normal like normal? You should put, 'as usual' instead. and his bowler hat covered what I could tell were furrowed eyebrows. His cane was tapping impatiently on the floor. All in all, it led for an extremely nerve-wracking experience. His face was symmetrical, yet he had kept his lips and nose exactly as they were before, just not evenly proportioned. His eyes though were almost black. It unnerved me. Why would you possibly get such a threatening look, I wondered, why not be light all the time? The character needs to be slapped.

“Let’s go,” he said as he stood up. It didn’t look like I really had any choice, but I was completely un-presentable for any paparazzi pictures that were sure to happen when we took a step outside.

“But daddy, I really need to get ready first,” I said in my wind chime voice. He looked at me, and for the first time in my life I was scared of him. Before, I had always been able to manipulate him, but not Do you mean 'now'? he looked utterly in control. It wasn’t like him. The anger lines did nothing good for his face. He needed those smile lines I was so used to. Where was my daddy?

“Now,” he hissed. He linked his arm through mine and we started off down my apartment complex’s hall.

“But what about the papara-“ I stared.

“There surely won’t be any where we’re going,” he replied. I noticed men in black at the end of each hallway, all equipped with high performance gear that my father’s company made. For the first time in a long time, I forgot about headaches, parties, and mischief, and wondered what in the world was truly going onperiod

Hm, that was an info dump, and nothing much happened in the prologue, it was more of a chapter, too. The beginning... could have been told over time. You should only have prologues if it reveals something that the story won't, or makes something clear for the reader that won't be revealed until later in the story and would leave the reader in the dark.
Your grammar was good, didn't really find anything wrong except of the info-dump-ness, the show don't tell thing and some comma issues.
Overall: Average.
  





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Wed Dec 30, 2009 2:27 am
lilymoore says...



Hey Silver. Because this is your baby, I promise to do my best not to throw it through a stained glass window.

Opening Line

My birth, according to all records, never technically happened.


Okay, I make the same point to almost everyone about opening lines. Short, sharp, and sweet. The three S’s. Here, there’s one cut that could be made that I really want to touch on and it’s in the word ‘technically.’ You just don’t need it. It’s bulk and it weighs the sentence down.

Nitpicks

My mother, an actress, married an Italian noble, but that wouldn’t slow down my mother’s love of the party and men at all. She had me, out of wedlock, with the doctor who gave her various new surgeries.


There are just way too many commas in here. When I read, I do make a habit to pause for every comma and when I do that, it feels very choppy. I would come some of them out to maybe make it look a bit more like this: “My mother, a _____ actress ___________, married an Italian noble, ___________. But being married didn’t diminish her love of parties and men. She had me out of wedlock with her doctor ____________ who performed various new surgeries on her. “

Okay, while I was retyping that, I was ended up seeing a few extra things. For starters, I’m sure you noticed the big empty spaces.
The first one is for a little piece of info that would add some depth to the sentence. What type of actress was she? Screen? Stage? The second would be to give her mother a name. Obviously, if she knows all of this stuff about her family and her past, she would have a name or something, you know. Names could also go into the third and fourth spaces.
Another thing that I did was break the first sentence into two sentences.
Still another was changing ‘that’ to being married. This had to do with your having an ambiguous pronoun. ‘That’ doesn’t really say what unless you make assumptions.
Also, I changed ‘slow down’ to ‘diminish.’ That was really just an issue with word meaning. Diminish would be to lessen, slow down would be to, well, slow down.
Lastly, I changed ‘gave’ to ‘performed.’ You don’t really give surgery to someone, you perform in on them, which is why I added, ‘on her’ to the end.

Okay, obviously I did a lot to those two sentences. But the reason that I think I altered so much was because the entire first section is essentially an Info Dump. Why not try and give all of this information to us throughout the story as apposed to tossing it in on us right at the beginning?
It’s a suggestion.

Mr. Broughbuff was a billionaire who was the head of a scientific research facility and a notable society member.


‘Was’ feels repetitive here with two instances of the word showing up so close. The second one could be turned into an ‘and’ and the ‘who’ in front of it could be deleted. This is just a suggestion of course.

RISH was a Robotic Intelligence Simulated Human-form, in other words and extremely smart robot that ran my household, and most households across the world.


First off, I love the idea of RISH and more importantly, I like that the words that RISH stands for sound like it could be the real deal.
Howevers, ‘my’ would mean that the household is hers. It would probably better be said that it was ‘the’ household.

Didn’t he know the meaning of sleeping in after a long night being out on the town?


I don’t think you need ‘being’ in here. It feels a bit unnecessary.

Since I had been fourteen, daddy had let me under the knife


Here, ‘daddy’ is standing in place of a proper name. So the first ‘d’ should be capitalized.

I briskly walked out of my bathroom, through my bedroom and into the living room.


Why do we need to really know this? It feels like unnecessary info and it makes the sentence feel heavy.

He had on a [b]tux,[/s] like normal and his bowler hat covered what I could tell were furrowed eyebrows.


Okay, two issues here with the word ‘tux.’ For starters, ‘tux’ is short for ‘tuxedo’ and you should definitely use ‘tuxedo.’ Another thing comes up is that most men of that age would rarely wear a tuxedo but rather a suit. I guess every time I hear ‘tuxedo’ I think James Bond.


Alright, I will be honest in saying that the first half of this is pretty much unneeded while there were a lot of info dumps throughout the whole of this. There isn’t much I can do for you about information dumps aside from telling you that they exist and pointing you to CastleintheSky’s KB article Show and Tell.

The idea you have here is lovely, but another issue that I’m boggling over is “What type of setting are you working with?” Some parts, especially the very beginning, make it feel a bit old school, but then the second half made it seem more futuristic. Do not forget to work in what kind of time zone/era/setting all of this is in.

And don’t let your characters become too cliché. Try out the Mary Sue Litmus Test for your characters. I’ve found that going through this will help find places where I can improve my characters.

*hugs and hands the baby back*
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me or just let me know when you’ve posted more. I rather like this. It reminds me, not in plot, but rather in feel, of Scott Westerfeld’s Uglies Trilogy.
*hugs again*
~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.
  





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Thu Dec 31, 2009 9:21 am
napalmerski says...



Er, want me to copy the story and underline stuff?
Just kidding, my grammar is non-existent, I always do content reviews only :D
A nice dramatic 'origin' story we are told by the girl. Sculpted into a perfect toy-girl, to keep the patriarch of the house able to feel pride I suppose. The patriarch himself is a splendid classical speciment, a kind easily manipulative daddy, but when the time comes - unknown depth stir inside him and a dark cloud appears above his head. And he has a cane. Does he have a thick beard too? I think it would suit him. And he's a braniac and a shred power player/businessman. Whatever could have gone wrong? What trials await our sexy, scetical, but still far too naive heroine?
C'mon write a first chapter :D
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness.
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Mon Jan 04, 2010 10:53 am
Day says...



Ok, I'm not really into grammar reviews so I will just do a content review as well.

First I want to agree with someone above me in saying that it should be a chapter not a prologue. If you want an idea for a prologue than consider making one about the time period and how technologically advanced it is. Another topic already addressed was the way the story was fed to the reader. It seemed slightly repetitive with the same format.

It was unclear to me why this story would be called the velvet assassin. I'm assuming that the billionaire is taking Bianca home to her real parents and maybe that would press a decision-oh well I really don't know.

It was quite of an information pile up, but I felt that it wasn't horrible. To me it was as if a story was being told through a narrator. If you wanted to have it feeling more like a story then maybe you could change it so that she is thinking about these things in bed because right now we just randomly find out about them. If you plan to keep this as a prologue then I guess it is fine to keep the introductory information the way it is, but I would highly recommend changing it if your gonna put it into a first chapter.

Hope I could help somewhat,

DayDreams
"If the king doesn't lead, how can he expect his subordinates to follow?"
  








I like to create sympathy for my characters, then set the monsters loose.
— Stephen King