Young Writers Society

Hey, like you've been told by other reviewers, the 2:1 ratio.
Also, I only read the first chapter, like other people noted, people in general are lazy; when they see a large chuck of writing, it can immediately turn them off.
Ok, the first chapter was good, didn't read the others so I pretty much know nothing of the character(s), the world they're in, the time or the plot. I think a prologue would have been nice to introduce why those creatures are there and why the world is like it is. Something just to get people interested and get them some background knowledge.
I think if you had posted each chapter as a seperate post, I would maybe have read and reviewed each one. Seeing all the chapters lined up here in the replies and seeing the enourmour amount of writing just makes me not want to read it.
Good piece, keep writing.

Thanks everyone foryour reviews, especially on Chapter One, I basically re-wrote it ! Music and Phantom,thanks for putting up with my typos and grammatical errors.

Thanks again!

Afeefah

Hello, Roon here, at your request, thank you for being my first customer! First of all, it’s not boring, it’s really good! I’m going to commence with nitpicking now:

There’s a major hitch to my plan though.

There’s a major hitch *though I would use flaw* in my plan, though.

Afternoon comes and goes and the skies begin to darken as I put the finishing touches to my plan.

Afternoon comes and goes, and the skies begin to darken, as I put the finishing touches to my plan. Basically, comma after goes and after darken.

I step gingerly through the doorway then stand still in the dining room, listening for any sign that Ashu might be awake.

Comma after doorway.

There’s an eerie darkness about the house and I see Ashu everywhere as I creep to the stairs.

I would say get rid of the ‘and’ and use a comma instead. Also, you may want to add something about fear making your imagination run wild, or something.

I’m about to step on to the first stair when I remember that it creaks.

Comma after stair.

My eyes find the banister and I pull myself on to it, then, crouching, begin to climb up.

My eyes find the banister, I pull myself on to it, crouching, and begin to climb up. It feels better on the eye.

My room is the first on the right so I open the first on the left instead.

Comma after right.

I poke my head inside and hiss softly in disappointment.

I think you would be more likely to sigh with disappointment, if I’m honest.

Going to the next room on the left, I push open the door and sharply draw in a breath.

I would put a comma after door.

“Are you OK?” I ask. He looks at me and I feel a wave of relief.

Comma after me.

I hug him tightly but then I feel something soak my shirt, sticking it to me.

I hug him tightly but then I feel something soak my shirt, making it stick to me.

I pull back, my hands automatically going to my shirt.

I pull back, my hands automatically *though I would say instinctively* reaching towards *something other than shirt, as you already mentioned it in the last sentence*.

I bring my hands up to my eyes, knowing what covers them before I even see it.

He wasn’t hugging him for that long, and he would probably just have touched his shirt. I would say fingers rather than hands.

I push him away, on the edge of hysteria and my best friend falls to the floor.

Comma after hysteria.

Felcaw’s eyes bore into me accusingly. You could have prevented this from happening, they say.

I think the last sentence is redundant and you could say it in fewer words. I would say:
Felcaw’s eyes bore into me accusingly, they told me I could have prevented this.

I grasp it and pull but the door doesn’t open.

Comma after pull.

I yank at it frantically but it still won’t yield.

Comma after frantically.

I can’t take it any more.

I would say anymore as opposed to any more.

I feel cornered.

I am cornered. He doesn’t just feel it, he is it.

I feed the flames, fuelling them with my fear.

You could just say I fuel/feed the flames with my fear. The repetition of the feeding idea is superfluous

It stirs, then abruptly comes to life, filling a hole I never even realized was there.

The punctuation feels odd here, but I don’t quite know what should be done.

It seems as if I’m a spectator, watching myself shimmer and blur as a key turns in the lock of the door.

Comma after blur.

I’ve changed. I’m…I’m a wolf!

This feels quite repetitive. I’ve changed into a wolf… maybe, but that doesn't sound as good, so leave it unless you get a brainwave! I would definitely consider putting the ellipsis at the end though, it seems more poignant.

I feel as if I could run forever without tiring. I lift my head. I’m ready.

I is used four times here. You do use I a fair bit through all your writing I believe, but it is written in first person so I suppose it cannot be helped for the most part.

Right, I think that’s it for nitpicks, if I’ve missed anything I’m very sorry!

I think you have a great idea here, it’s really fantastic, however we don’t really understand why Ashu is to be so feared, he has offered this boy a place to stay, so why is he sneaking in? he could just pretend to be unsuspecting and ‘accidentally’ walk into the wrong room.

Your story is progressing very quickly, I think you should try to slow it down a little, so as not to exhaust all your ideas so quickly. Also, a little more description of the surroundings wouldn’t go astray.

The character development for Venolf is quite good, though you may want to give us a little more information about him so we can identify with him even more. The other characters, though, seem quite flat, we don’t know anything of their motives, or their history.


You don’t really use much imagery, but don’t try to add any in now, it’s fine as it is! Just a thought for later chapters.

I think the main things you need to work on are character development, and definitely the pace of the writing. If things happen too quickly the reader doesn’t get a chance to be emotionally involved with your characters or your plot.

What I love about your writing is the way you get the tone and mood of a piece perfectly. It’s almost as if we are actually living your story as we read, fantastic. Another thing I love about your style is the way it’s so effortless. Your vocabulary is good, and you’re not too dramatic as to ruin the suspense for the reader with unnecessary flamboyancy, but you still keep it so that the reader can feel what is going on.

Overall, I think you have a great story here, and you compose it very well. Keep writing, let me know if you ever need another review! Thank you for your time!

~ Roon

Hi afeefah! Nice to meet you! Thank you so much for replying to my thread, I’m sorry that it took a while to get to you. But let’s get started, shall we?

Nitpicks

The sun has been swamped by dark clouds and it’s begun to rain heavily.

‘It’s begun’ is such an awkward phrase. Perhaps simply ‘it begins’ would work better here?

Petrified. Every part of its body screams at it to move, but it’s rooted to the ground by its fear. [s]That’s what I’m like now.[/s]

The last sentence is unnecessary, and disturbs the suspense.

The footsteps pace ever closer.

I’m not sure if ‘pace’ here is the best word.

They’re almost up to the door when something in my mind begins to smoulder, then bursts into flame. Anger, that’s what it is. I fuel the flames with my fear and stand, head held high. Stepping back from the door a couple of paces, I search for the part of my mind that ignited my anger. It stirs, then abruptly comes to life, filling a hole I never even realized was there. It seems as if I’m a spectator, watching myself shimmer and blur, as a key turns in the lock of the door. I gasp. I’ve changed. I’m…I’m a wolf!

I really liked this. I think it’s the image I get in my mind. But it does seem a little short.

This feels rushed. I think there just needs to be a few more details to smoothen out the pace of the transformation. It’s been a while, but when I was younger, I read Animorphs by K.A. Applegate, a series about teenagers with the ability to transform into animals. I do remember she would take the time to really describe the sensations of changing. In this world, it’s obviously not a painful experience. But it must feel strange. I know it was mentioned that it’s like becoming a spectator, watching himself change. But Venolf’s bone structure is changing, fur is popping out of his pores. It’d be kind of interesting if he felt...something, you know? The whole out-of-body experience feels like a cop-out. Try actually describing how it feels to change into a different animal, and see what you like better.

Other
Calling Ashuthaka ‘Ashu’ to me, feels strange. It just feels too casual. Venolf is wary of this new person, and usually there is distance between people who don’t trust each other. If I were the main character, I would just stick to Ashuthaka, as long as the name is. But this is only personal preference. If you find that it works fine in the story, keep it as is.

Overall, I thought the pace of the story was really, really quick. Perhaps later on you’ll want to go back and slow things down, add the details of small actions, small sayings, small description of setting and characters. I get the idea that the story is just sprinting to a finish line, or at least a climax line, as if all the buildup isn’t as important. But it is, it really is. When there’s a fight or a chase, obviously the speed should be rapid-fire, immediate succession. But every now and then, give the reader a chance to catch a breath. When the main character slows down in his action, let the writing slow down too. For example, the scene with Felcaw seems pretty dramatic, right? I almost want to see that moment in slow motion, as if it were a movie. That is unreal, seeing your own best friend die before your eyes.

I always struggle with pace, but recently I found a lovely website that really fleshes out how to work on this difficult aspect: Writing Fiction with Pace. It might help you out as well.

After reading all four chapters, it’s obvious you’ve already grown so much as a writer after getting reviews and critiques from people. I’m so impressed by your ability to improve! For the most part, this latest chapter was pretty free of grammatical errors, and it’s so nice not to have to continuously edit for spelling errors, as I sometimes do with other writers. Keep it up, I enjoyed reading this.

Best of luck,
octo

Chapter 5

Ashuthaka pads into the room, his eyes flashing with surprise as he realises I’ve discovered how to change. I can tell that he senses my inexperience. My initial confidence has faded and I’m still getting used to my new form. Let’s face it, there’s no way I’m going to beat Ashuthaka. I plan to get out of here. Maybe I can sneak around Ashuthaka somehow... I’m pulled out of my thoughts as I see Ashuthaka beginning to shimmer and blur. Curious as well as scared, I wait impatiently for him to stop shimmering. When he finally does, my jaw drops. He’s a cheetah! I hastily rearrange my expression but inside, I’m seriously beginning to doubt my chances of getting out of here alive.

Ashuthaka is sitting down, his tail lashing back and forth. He seems to guess my thoughts and grins at me, baring his needle-pointed teeth, revelling in the fear I show through my barely concealed flinch. Ashuthaka stands, balancing lightly on his paws. I stand too and we begin to circle each other. I mirror Ashuthaka's every move. Until he stops. He doesn’t even bother trying to shock me; he just paces forward, placing each paw with extreme care. I see him tense his muscles preparing to spring. Before I can think about moving he's leapt onto my back, his weight is almost forcing me onto my stomach.

Ashuthaka digs his claws into my shoulders and I stifle a growl of agony as he retracts them, then plunges them straight back in. I have to get him off me, and fast. I roll over, dislodging him and in the process, ripping his claws out from deep inside my shoulders. This time a howl of anguish is ripped from my throat. Then I spring to my feet, adrenalin rushing through me. I tear out of the room, down the stairs and out of the house.

After a while, when I realise I’m not being pursued, I slow down, to a lope, then a walk. The adrenalin fades away. My shoulders throb with pain, and my vision is blurry, but I will myself on, each paw forward causing me to grit my teeth hard. I see the silhouette of Seqain and Venro’s house and towards it. Reaching the door I scratch at it, then collapse, utterly spent.

* * * * * *

I slowly come back around. Opening my eyes, I stare up at the ceiling. I push myself up, head swimming. I’m in my human form. Seqain is the first person I see, on a bed opposite mine. He’s sitting against a propped up pillow. I look for Venro. He’s leaning on the windowsill, looking out. I’m reminded of Felcaw. I push him from my mind. Seqain realises I’m awake.

“Hi,” he says, smiling at me hesitantly.

I wonder why there’s uncertainty in his voice, but then I remember how last time he’d seen me, I’d been striding out of the door, absolutely furious.

“Hi,” I reply.

There’s an uneasy silence in which Venro turns from the window sill and realises I’m awake. Then both Venro and Seqain speak at the same time.

“You didn’t give us time to explain…we’re sorry, we should have told you what we were planning…” There’s another silence.

“What were you doing?” I ask, deciding I’ll give them the benefit of doubt for the moment.

“Basically,” Seqain says. “What we were trying to do was scare you into changing. Venro did it with me you see, but, for some reason, instead of getting scared, you got angry.”

“Oh.” I say. “Couldn’t you have just told me?” I blurt, before realising the answer.

“No,” Venro says. “It would’ve taken away the surprise aspect of it.”

“I realised.” I say, embarrassed at having asked such a stupid question. Seqain takes a look at me and bursts out laughing.

“What?” I ask.

“Your…your face,” he splutters, eyes streaming with tears of laughter.

I look even more puzzled. Then Venro begins to laugh too. Their laughter is infectious and I begin to laugh as well, gasping for breath. For a while, we’re just rolling around, clutching our sides, doubled up with laughter. Then I sit up and wipe my face. The others follow my lead, giggling weakly.

“Right,” I say, as the last of the laughter dies down. “What are we going to do about Ashuthaka?”

“Where did you go anyway? We heard a thump on the door and opened it to find you lying in a pool of your own blood!” Seqain exclaims.

So I tell them everything. About Felcaw, and what I’d realised about him. About how I’d found him, dead. Then about Ashuthaka and how I’d run away. I burn with shame at this point but I soothe my injured pride with, “If I hadn’t run away, right now, I’d be dead!”

I turn my attention back to Venro and Seqain.

“I think it’s about time we stop Ashuthaka once and for all,” says Venro, a wild gleam in his eyes.

“Took the words right out of my mouth!” I grin.

Seqain nods his agreement absently. His attention doesn’t seem to be on us.

“What’s up?” Venro asks, also realising that Seqain’s obviously thinking about something.

“Hmm…Sorry?” he says, snapping out of his reverie.

“I said,” replies Venro, “what’s up? It’s obvious you’ve got something on your mind.”

“Well,” says Seqain. “I was just thinking, you know last time we tried to take on Ashu?”

“Yeah?” says Venro warily. Then seeing my befuddled expression, he explains. “We were both staying with Ashuthaka. We found out what he was planning when we overheard him talking to the Amps about another kid that could change. I already knew I could change but Seqain didn’t. We didn’t know each other that well then so I scared him into believing I was going to attack him and automatically he changed because he thought he was in danger. You normally discover your ability to change when you most need it: it’s like a defensive mechanism. Then we tried to fight Ashuthaka but he was to strong and experienced. So we both legged it out of there. After a few days of sleeping rough, we found this place; it was abandoned. We’ve managed to make it inhabitable and now it’s the place we call home.” He stops, brow furrowed in thought. “You know what,” he says, “Maybe the kid Ashuthaka was talking about was Felcaw, and the reason he realised he could change was because one day the Amps paid him a visit and…”

I carry on the thought for him. “…he changed because he was under threat! Then, when I found him and freaked out, running off to find a doctor, the Amps slipped in past the people I’d left on guard to herd him away…”

Seqain joins in excitedly. “…but Ashuthaka hadn’t counted on Felcaw being able to change into a bird; he just flew away!”

“Yeah, but how did Felcaw end up with Ashuthaka then?” says Venro.

We ponder this for a moment.

“Maybe… Ashuthaka sent the Amps to tail him, then when he stopped to rest, they rushed him… there’s no other way they could’ve caught him, unless they could fly,” I say.

“That’s one thing I’m sure about,” says Seqain. “The Amps definitely can’t fly. But anyway, as I was saying, you know the time we tried to take on Ashuthaka and lost?” Seqain asks again.

“Yeah?” says Venro, “And?”

“He was way too strong for us then,” Seqain holds up a hand to stop Venro as he begins to speak. “And I know you’re going to say we’re stronger now and we’ve got Venolf, but I don’t like the idea of us walking straight into his clutches."

“He’s right,” I say to Venro. “He’s probably more than a match for us, and besides he’s got those Ampetrons.”

Venro gnaws his lip anxiously. “I still think we should just go and fight him head on…”

“I’d like to do it that way too, but there’s really no point in getting ourselves killed for no reason. Somehow I can’t see Ashuthaka fighting fair and square,” I say.

Seqain gets up. “I’ll go and see if he’s home.”

Venro begins to protest.

“What if he catches you? I’ll go. I’m a snake and I know the lay of the land better than you do!” It’s obvious that he thinks of Seqain like his little brother even though he is probably only a few months older than him.

I look from Seqain to Venro, then back again. I hesitate, not wanting to cause an argument.

“Ven,” I say cautiously. “I think you should let him go…”

Venro whips around to face me, his eyes burning with hurt and rage.

“Who cares what you think?” he shouts. “Who gives a damn? It’s nothing to do with you!”

I flinch at his words, avoiding Seqain’s sympathetic gaze. Evidently, he has been on the receiving end of Venro’s quick temper too. I feel tears beginning to well up in my eyes but I brush them away angrily.

Seqain turns to face Venro, and somehow his quiet fury is scarier than Venro’s blazing one.

“Ven,” he says quietly. “I’m going whether you like it or not.” With that, he gives me a smile and walks out. I hear him walk down the stairs and then the front door slams.

There's an uncomfortable silence between Venro and I. Venro seems lost in his thoughts and he avoids my gaze.

Then suddenly, Venro looks at me, all rage gone from his eyes. “Well,” he says, “that’s that.”

He sits down on the edge of the bed, and, like me, resigns himself to a long wait.

very nice! I like the dramatic scene where they realize they had changed into a wolf.

Hello there! Roon here, at your request! I'll start with nitpicks, as before.

Little does he know how inexperienced I am.

I don't like this line. Maybe he should know. I think you should say that he sensed his inexperience, or something.

I plan to get out of here then, from there, take it as it goes.

The phrasing is odd, and it sounds like you have tense trouble. I don't think you do, but it's awkward.

I hastily rearrange my expression but inside,

Umm, do wolves have expressions that would give them away. also, why would it matter if he was surprised at Ashu's form?

me mirroring Ashu’s every move.

I think you should say I mirror Ashu's every move.

I think to move, but before I know it, he’s leapt onto my back, his weight almost forcing me onto my stomach.

Before I can think about moving he's leapt onto my back, his weight is almost forcing me onto my stomach.

I think that sounds better, less awkward. Just a thought, though, I am only one reader.

I stifle a growl of agony

Does one ever growl in agony? Groan maybe?

This time my howl of anguish is ripped from my throat.

a howl of anguish. You say my twice you see. Also, it's usual to say a rather than my in this situation.

It echoes through the house, sounding like there are multiple wolves in the house, joining me in my pain.

You say house twice. Also, I don't really see as this description adds anything to the story.

Adrenalin fades away.

The adrenaline.

colours are flashing in front of my eyes

What colours? Without proper explanation, I'm afraid this is just taking up space. I don't get it. Colours are always flashing before our eyes, it's called sight.

but I will myself on, each paw forward causing me to grit my teeth in pain.

but I will myself on, with each step forward making me grit my teeth in *other word than pain, it sounds weak*

I see the silhouette of Seqain and Venro’s house and half-limp half-lope towards it.

Half-limp, half-lope? Don't like this description, it's... I can't think of the word, clunky?

Reaching the door I thump it hard, then I collapse, utterly spent. Willpower alone has brought me this far. I black out.

Thump on it hard with what? You're a wolf. Scratch the door? Also, it's quite obvious that willpower has got you that far, you don't need to tell us. You could drop the blackout bit, it's fairly obvious later on, that, that is what he's done.

I slowly come back around. Opening my eyes, I stare up at the ceiling. I push myself up, head swimming.

You have such a great opportunity here to describe his feelings, his sight, muffled sounds, etc, all that jazz, it jsut seems wasted with this. No offence, as I said earlier, I'm just one reader.

“Your…your face,” he splutters, eyes streaming with tears.

These tears could indicate sadness, add tears of laughter... something, just so we know his face hasn't been deformed or something.

I look even more puzzled. Then Venro begins to laugh too. Their laughter is infectious and I begin to laugh as well, gasping for breath. For a while, we’re just rolling around, clutching our sides, doubled up with laughter. Then I sit up and wipe my face. The others follow my lead, giggling weakly.

What? Also, you say laughing/laughter too much here. I don't really understand why they're laughing so hard, or how he could laugh without being in intense agony.

“I think it’s about time we stop Ashu once and for all,” says Venro, a wild gleam in his eyes.

What exactly has Ashu done to these guys? They live near him in the forest.

“Yeah?” says Venro warily. Then seeing my befuddled expression, he explains. “We were both staying with Ashu. We found out what he was planning when we overheard him talking to the Amps about another kid that could change. I already knew I could change but Seqain didn’t. We didn’t know each other that well then so I scared him into believing I was going to attack him and automatically he changed because he thought he was in danger. You normally discover your ability to change when you most need it: it’s like a defensive mechanism. Then we tried to fight Ashu but he was to strong and experienced. So we both legged it out of there. After a few days of sleeping rough, we found this place; it was abandoned. We’ve managed to make it inhabitable and now it’s the place we call home.” He stops, brow furrowed in thought. “You know what,” he says, “Maybe the kid Ashu was talking about was Felcaw, and the reason he realised he could change was because one day the Amps paid him a visit and…”

Info dump much? Also, it doesn't seem to be as well written as the rest of it. It's telling rather than showing, which is probably a side-effect of being an info dump. Find some other way to say all this.

I carry on the thought for him. “…he changed because he was under threat! Then, when I found him and freaked out, running off to find a doctor, the Amps slipped in past the people I’d left on guard to herd him away…”

More info dumping, me no like. Telling not showing...

I know this sounds stupid, but why didn’t Ashu go after Venolf and finish him off when he had the chance?

Doesn't sound stupid. The reader has already guessed there is another motive for his easy escape.

He let Venolf come to us, knowing that we’d march straight into his hands afterwards anyway and he could kill us all at once.”

Telling, again. We guessed this.

“I’d like to do it that way too, but there’s really no point in getting ourselves killed for no reason. Somehow I can’t see Ashu fighting fair and square; he’s bound to have something up his sleeve in case he starts to lose,” I say.

Well, yeah. This is so obvious. Just say he's not going to play fair and leave it at that.

“What if he catches you? I’ll go. I’m a snake and I know the lay of the
land better than you do!” It’s obvious that he thinks of Seqain like his little brother even though Venro is probably only a few months older than him.

Why a new line at lay of the...?
Also. This is also, very obvious. Also I got a little confused here about who was the older one, as you mentioned both their names, I had to read it a couple of times before I properly understood. Just say he rather than Venro.

I do see Venro’s point but I think Seqain should be given a chance at least.

A chance? I don't think this works. I just don't like the idea of it being like some sort of competition, that's what it sounds like.

Both of them are my friends and I’m loath to support one over the other.

You've known them like two days. Just say you don't want to cause arguments, the I'm loath bit doesn't make sense. Really it doesn't, just let him give an opinion. Why would he be worried about upsetting someone when lives hang in the balance?

Venro whips around to face me, his eyes burning with hurt and rage. Rage at me, and hurt that Seqain is defying him.

The latter sentence is just not needed. You don't need to explain, we get it.

I flinch from his words, avoiding Seqain’s sympathetic gaze.

flinch at his words.

Venro looks at me, all rage gone from his eyes. “Well,” he says, “that’s that.”

Why would he just calm down straight away? I think he would still be angry, I think he would sulk slightly. He would certainly be nervous at least.

Okay, so this was, once again, a very enjoyable read. Although you do have some problems with clarity and telling as opposed to showing.

The reader doesn't need to be spoon-fed, we have our own imaginations, you just need to fuel them. Also, at first I thought you meant that the whole Ashu attack was just a set up at first. I thought... woah, that's sick, as you didn't make it clear. After a couple of seconds, I remembered the previous chapter, but you really need to make sure you're properly understood.

I think you have worked a little on your pacing here, but it's still not perfect. You need to make sure you avoid info dumps. They're not a good way to get things across, especially when those ideas could easily be made much better, and could use a little more meat. Another thing I will say, is that there isn't much distinction between the personalities of your characters. Except for Venro having a quicker temper, we don't really know what sets them apart. In other words, character development isn't quite right at the moment. Something else, Venolf and Venro sound similar, you may want to change one as to avoid early on mistaken identity for the reader.

What I do like, however, is the way you brought the mood to where you needed it in this chapter, I think it is one of your best on this front. You could do a little more description of surroundings etc. But your idea is wonderful, very original, excellent! You keep the reader hooked all the way through! Well done, and keep writing.

When you post more let me know!

~ Roon

Hey afeefah! Sorry for the wait, but I’m here now

He seems to guess my thoughts and grins at me, baring his needle-pointed teeth, revelling in the fear I show through my barely concealed flinch.

‘Revelling’ should be ‘reveling’, as I’m sure it’s not considered a proper spelling.

My shoulders are throbbing with pain, and my vision is blurry, but I will myself on, each paw forward causing me to grit my teeth hard.

I just really liked this sentence. The descriptions are thoughtful and vivid, and it really stood out. My only suggestion would be to change the ‘are throbbing’ to ‘throbs’, to remove the passive tense.

“Hi,” he says, smiling at me uncertainly.

I wonder why there’s uncertainty in his voice, but then I remember how last time he’d seen me, I’d been striding out of the door, absolutely furious.

The repetition of ‘uncertainly’ and ‘uncertainty’ is jarring. If one of those words could be replaced, it wouldn’t stand out so much.

I look even more puzzled. Then Venro begins to laugh too. Their laughter is infectious and I begin to laugh as well, gasping for breath. For a while, we’re just rolling around, clutching our sides, doubled up with laughter. Then I sit up and wipe my face. The others follow my lead, giggling weakly.

I don’t know if Venolf would be able to laugh so hard, considering he was recently injured. I think it might hurt him a little, the gashes in his shoulders must be painful.

“Yeah?” says Venro warily...Maybe the kid Ashu was talking about was Felcaw, and the reason he realised he could change was because one day the Amps paid him a visit and…”

As roon pointed out, this is such a glaring info-dump. There are many ways to tackle this, but a good way to do it is to break up all the information. Since it’s dialogue, have Venolf chime in with questions, and Seqain add some color commentary. Add in descriptions of how Seqain and Venro look as they recount the story. Is it hard for them to tell it because it’s so fresh in their minds? Or has it become easy? Do they have any particular tics, or use hand gestures? By splitting up the story, not only do you get to keep the information, you get to add character development.

Another suggestion would be to transition into a sort of flashback scene. Personally, I believe the split up dialogue would work well, as roon mentioned a lack of character development and the split style gives ample room for that.

Venro looks at me, all rage gone from his eyes. “Well,” he says, “that’s that.”

I agree with roon, it does seem odd that he would switch so quickly. I also believe he would sulk at least a little. If you want Venro to be the type of character that is quick to anger, but also quick to forget that anger, still give him a short transition period. Perhaps he sulks for a minute or two, but his mood shifts visibly, and then Venolf notices that Venro has completely forgotten his anger and is only occupied with worry for Seqain.

So, I feel like roon pointed out everything else, so I don’t have many other nitpicks.

I thought the pacing was much, much better in this chapter. Everything went at a good pace, besides the massive info-dump in the middle. But I’ve already given a suggestion on how to rectify that. Characterization is also another place that needs some improvement, but it seems like your story is heading in a very solid direction. Great work, and I’m sorry to keep you waiting.

Best of luck,
octo

Chapter 1
They’re getting closer. They’re gaining on me, and fast. This is the third and probably the last time that these stupid, stupid electric creatures are chasing me. Twice I’ve gotten rid of them and twice they’ve found me again.

stupid stupid electric creatures? that's not right. say something besides stupid, maybe annoying or powerful, just whatever fits. stupid is a boring word.

I glance up and see distant streetlights and buildings, the only things that show I’m in London.

i wouldn't tell where you were yet. its a little bit too soon. your location can wait until later- right now build up the suspense and tell us the 'more boring' information later.

We’re heading in the same direction as the last time and the time before. Whenever they chase me we always end up here. The trees are old and withered, covered in fungi and moss. There’re no birds, no animals, not even any insects. There’s no sign of life at all.

again, save the boring info until later; we don't care about the trees right now. you were in the middle of a suspenseful moment and then started talking about trees. don't loose your train of thought! keep it simple- 'It seemed like every time they chased me it was always in this direction.' that's all you really need.

Suddenly, the indignity of being pushed and shoved around by things that are probably just about the same size as my hand rears up on its hind legs and hits me full in the face.

'indignity' doesn't sound right to me.
The creatures, no bigger than my hands, approach me. One rears up and hits me full in the face. I turn around, snarling, but realize there's no way I can take them all on at once.

and if they were electrical, wouldn't it be more exciting if they had shocked you instead? i mean, anything can kick you.

I need to give them the slip one last time and seek shelter somewhere else, away from the overpopulated alleyways of London and away from the dingy forests and clearings hidden away out of sight.

I need to get these creatures away from civilization, London was just a few miles away, and seek shelter for myself. Somehow, i had to give these animals the slip.

Then suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see smoke coming out of a chimney that’s partially hidden behind a hill.

and all of a sudden there's a house? highly unlikely, especially since you've been here many times before and never noticed it.

A house, here, in the middle of all this wasteland? I decide to head towards it.

what happened to all the little creatures?? they should be in your top priority. being in such an intense situation, you would think you would be panicking or something. you seem completely calm.

Maybe there’s someone in there who can help me. I speed up, hope giving me the energy I need to reach the house a long time before those annoying little electrocuters.

but first you were running at top speed and they were still gaining on you. what makes you think you can outrun them now that they've got you trapped?

The house blends in perfectly with its surroundings. The front door is hanging off its hinges and one of the windows is cracked. The whole house looks as if it will collapse on the slightest touch. It looks totally uninhabited. But what about the smoke I saw, coming out of the chimney? Maybe it was just some fog or mist, and because I need help so desperately I imagined it was coming out of the chimney.

this whole paragraph was kinda sloppy. it was really 'telly'. 'the house blends' 'the front door is' 'the house looks' 'it looks'. so you get what i'm saying? all your sentences start the same way. play around with your phrasing a bit and make it sound more interesting.

My gaze drifts back to the door, and to my surprise, there’s someone standing there, looking at me.

again, how did this happen? how did he not notice the man? it all seems a little strange to me. not much of this makes any sense. you might have a picture of the story in your own mind, but you need to tell the reader EVERYTHING that's happening. we can't read your mind. also, be REALISTIC. an electricuting creature 'kicks you in the face?' come on. all of a sudden, you see smoke rising from a chimney? really, how often does that happen. i would definately suggest you read more books and get a better idea of how to write them. hope i helped, even if i was brutally honest.

Thank you to everyone who has reviewed! Your advice is much appreciated!

Chapter 6

Seconds are minutes and minutes are hours as Venro and I wait for Seqain to return. When he left, it’d been about 6ish. Now it’s quarter to seven. We sit in silence, the only noise being the occasional sigh from one of us.

Any minute now, I think. Any minute now he’ll come bursting in through the door, and laugh at us for worrying he’d been caught or worse…

* * * * * *
7pm exactly. Venro stands up.

“I’m going to get him,” he announces.

I sigh inwardly. “Ven, just sit down! We’ll give him till half past then we’ll go, I promise.”

I look him in the eyes. This time, instead of pure loathing, I see respect. Wary respect, but respect nonetheless.

Venro sits back down, his eyes flicking to the clock every few seconds.

I almost smile. There’s no way he’s going to last the full half an hour without getting up to go at least twice. So I talk, to distract myself as well as him.

“Isn’t it hard fighting? I mean you’re a snake, but when you’re against someone who can change into a cheetah or something, aren’t you at a disadvantage?” I ask.

Venro grins mischievously.

“We could fight if you like,” he says, a hint of challenge in his voice. “That way, I can give you a live demonstration.”

“Go on then,” I say. I know I’ll probably get beaten but I reckon it’ll be worth it. It’ll pass time anyhow.

We change into our animal forms. It’s easier this time; it’s just like anything I suppose. Gets easier the more you practise.

We size each other up. I’m looking down on Venro. That helps. Gives me a bit more confidence. Then I pounce. Instead of moving away or to the side like I’d expected him to, he springs forwards to meet me, straight at my face. He coils himself around my face and throat, and begins to apply pressure. Then he stops and releases me. Dropping to the floor, he slithers around to face me.

“You see? Size isn’t everything. I could’ve strangled you or bitten you then,” he says, baring his fangs. “Let’s go again!”

As he finishes his sentence, he leaps at me but I’ve been expecting something like this. I duck, whilst running forward. I hear a thump as Venro lands on the floor. I twist around and flick him into the air. Then I catch in my jaws, holding him lightly between my teeth. Yes! I’ve caught him out! Then his head swings up and Venro latches onto my throat with his fangs.

“Truce?” he asks, letting my neck loose.

“Truce,” I reply, putting him gently on the floor.

We change back.

“You’re good,” he says grudgingly.

I try to hide my grin, but it bursts out and spreads over my face.

“But,” he continues, looking at me appraisingly. “You’ve got a way to go before you’ll be at Ashu’s standard.” I sober up.

“He was just toying with you yesterday.” Then to my look of confusion, “You were out for ages! It’s Tuesday!”

“I thought it was still Monday!” I exclaim.

“Nope. Anyway, as I was saying, Ashu was playing with you yesterday, just trying to test you out. I reckon, if me and Seqain fight you like I did now we’ll be ready to take him on, soon.” Ven finishes off with a savage grin.

”Let’s hope it’s sooner rather than later!”

Then the front door slams. We both jump and hear Seqain running up the stairs. He comes into the room, panting, his eyes wild.

“You’ll never guess what!” he says, gasping for breath. “Felcaw’s alive!
“What the…” I stand up, mind reeling in shock.

“But Venolf saw him dead! What’re you talking about?” Venro stops. “Why don’t you start at the beginning,” he says.

I listen to Seqain, dumbfounded. Seqain had gone into Ashu’s and seen Felcaw, bound in a chair. He said that at first he thought that it was someone who’d looked like Felcaw; I had described Felcaw to him. He’d flattened himself under the sofa and then he changed back into his human form. Fortunately, Ashu had his back to the sofa and was facing Felcaw. Felcaw realised that Seqain was there but didn’t give him away.

Seqain continued. “I decided to hang around for a bit and I saw Ashu shouting at Felcaw as he tried in vain to get out of the ropes. ‘Your friend thinks you’re dead! He’s probably dead himself, I near enough finished him off!’ at this point I thought that Felcaw would give up but, if anything, his determination seemed to swell. I knew I needed his help in understanding what had happened and who the person Venolf had thought was Felcaw actually was. When he looked at me, I mouthed, ‘Can I help you?’ He replied, ‘I’ve got a plan.’ I decide to get straight to the point. ‘Who was impersonating you?’ I asked.” Seqain stops to catch his breath; he’s been talking pretty fast.

I bite my lip. I’m getting impatient. The only thing that stops me from snapping at Seqain to hurry up is the fact that he’s been so nice. I let hope rekindle in my mind. Could Felcaw really be alive?

Seqain takes up from where he left off. “Felcaw pretended to sob and yelled at Ashu. 'I hate you! You and your flippin' Ampetrons!’ Ashu smiled. He couldn’t resist boasting. ‘Well,’ he said. You will hate me after what my Amps and I have done. Your stupid friend, or Seqain and Venro for that matter don’t know,' he said, sneering slightly. ‘They don’t know that the Amps can change into anybody they like!’ He crows triumphantly. When I heard that, I gave Felcaw the thumbs-up, got out of there and came here.” Seqain finishes off and turns towards me, grinning.

I’m shell-shocked. Felcaw’s alive!

“I’m going to get him,” I say, heading for the room door.

“Oh, by the way,” Seqain shouts, as I’m half-way down the stairs. “I told Felcaw where to find us.”

I stop. It doesn’t make sense going after him. He’ll come when he’s good and ready. Like I said myself, no point in getting myself killed for any reason.

I walk back up the stairs and into the room.

“Ven says you’re good, and since he basically never ever gives compliments, you must be pretty good,” Seqain looks at me, grinning when I shuffle my feet awkwardly and look at the floor.

Just then, the doorbell rings. Felcaw! I’m up and out of the room a lot faster than the other two. Getting to the door, I fumble with the lock, then I yank the door open and there’s Felcaw! He looks exactly the same as the last time I saw him.

“Hi,” he says, giving me a lopsided grin.
“Hi,” I mutter back, a lump forming in my throat. “How are you?” I ask.

“I’m fine,” he replies.

There’s a silence which neither of us know how to fill.

Thankfully, Seqain appears at the top of the stairs.

“Hi,” he says to Felcaw. “Coming up?” he asks us before disappearing back into the room.

I go first, taking the stairs two at a time. I don’t know quite what to say, so we walk up the stairs and into the room in silence. There’s something bugging me, I just can’t figure out what. It is there, in my head, but each time I reach for it, it slips away.

Seqain and Venro throw a barrage of questions at Felcaw and as he answers them, standing stiffly by my side, I rack my brains for what seems wrong. That’s it!

“How do I know you’re really Felcaw? You could just be an Ampetron impersonating him,” I ask Felcaw.

“I was waiting for that question,” he says. Felcaw is a year younger than me but he acts a lot older.

“I don’t really know what it is but Ashu, gloating like he always does, let something slip. He said the only difference is a mark on the left arm, just beneath the elbow. He was saying something about it being like a triangle and then he stopped, realising he’d given too much away. He didn’t seem particularly bothered, didn’t think I’d get away.” Felcaw grins triumphantly.

I punch him playfully. “Stop getting so big-headed,” I whisper. Felcaw’s grin widens.

“How did you get away?” asks Seqain.

Felcaw shrugs. “Simple,” he says. “I changed. When I’m an eagle, I’m smaller than I am now so I just wriggled out of the ropes.”

“That doesn’t sound like Ashu, making a stupid mistake like that,” Venro frowns.

“Another trap?” I ask. Seeing Felcaw’s confusion, I bring him up to date on everything that has happened when he was with Ashu. After I finish, Felcaw sits in silence for a moment.

“I hate this,” he says suddenly. “I hate all this trickery. Can’t we just go and…and…fight Ashu head on?”

To my surprise, Seqain is nodding his agreement.

“He’s right,” Seqain stands up. “Let’s go.”

Ven and I exchange surprised glances, then get up and follow Seqain and Felcaw out of the house.

When we reach Ashu’s house, we stand outside, straining our ears for any sound. After a while, I step inside and into the living room. Ashu’s not here. I hear the others join me.

“Let’s check the rest of the house,” I say.

We look all over the house but there’s no sign of Ashu at all. He’s not in the house!

We go into one of the other downstairs rooms and sit on the sofas.

“Well,” Felcaw says. “This is the first. Ashu never leaves the house.”

Venro puts his shoes up on the table and switches on the T.V, flicking between the channels.

“Stop!” I shout, eyes glued to the screen.

“What?” Venro says, startled.

“Go back a channel,” I say, eyes not leaving the screen. “This is the one!”

The others lean forward to watch the news report. The video clip I’d seen a taster of as Venro had flicked past it was still showing. It’s a short clip, about 10 seconds long, showing someone changing into an animal. The video repeats a couple of times, then a news reporter begins to talk in the background.

“Rioting has ensued all over England as the public are beginning to realise the implications of shape shifting. Scientists are stumped and no-one from the government has been available for interview as everyone has been called to 10 Downing Street for an emergency conference. Our correspondent is currently outside 10 Downing Street. Let’s talk to him now.” The reporter turns to the big screen. “What’s the current situation?”

“Well, the meeting should be finishing any minute now and we should be able to have a word with a member of the Parliament.” There’s a pause as he turns to look at the black door and has a few words with the guard who is stood outside. “I’m being told that the meeting has come to a close and the participants are about to come out.” The black door opens and people from the conference come rushing out. There is a collective gasp and the press which have gathered outside take a step back. Everyone from the meeting is pushing and shoving through the doorway, many of them have cuts and scratches. There’s a pause and then the press rush forward and there’s total havoc. Everybody is shouting questions, taking pictures. The camera picture wavers, then totally loses focus.

I look at the others. There’s silence.

“What the flip happened to them?” Felcaw says.

“I think we’re about to find out,” Venro indicates the screen.

We all turn our attention back to the T.V. The news reporter presses his hand to his earpiece, frowning slightly. “The government officials are saying they were attacked by the newly appointed security guards who, near the end of the meeting, shape shifted into different animals. They told us that their leader could shape shift into an alligator. The group have taken over the building and the government have been forced to take extreme measures. They have told Britain’s police force that if anyone is seen shape shifting they are to be arrested. Tune in at 6 o’clock for the latest news updates. That’s all for now. Goodbye.”

Venro switches off the T.V. It’s so quite I can hear myself breathing.

“This is great. This is absolutely great. Now we can’t even shapeshift without fear of being captured by the police. Can this possibly get any worse?” Seqain stands up and looks out of the window. “Hey,” he says, sounding puzzled. “Is it just me or is there a crowd of people out there?”

Venro, Felcaw and I join him at the window.

“You’re right!” exclaims Felcaw. Being an eagle, he has excellent eyesight. “There’s about…” He’s quiet for a moment, counting under his breath. “…twenty of them.” Felcaw looks at us. “Let’s go and see who they are!” And before we can stop him, he’s out of the house. We run after him but, when we get outside, there’s no sign of him. Then I hear footsteps behind me. Ashu? I stiffen. Felcaw!

“You absolute idiot! You scared me then! I thought you’d run off to see who those people are!” Felcaw looks injured. “How stupid do you think am? I know, I know they could be police, press, anyone.” He rolls his eyes and grins mischievously. I can’t help laughing. I can never stay angry with him for long. I grin back at him then turn to face the other two, an idea forming in my mind. I whisper to them for a moment, then look at Felcaw over my shoulder. “Let’s go and see who they are, shall we?” Then, pushing Seqain and Venro ahead of me, I shout, “Go!” We run towards the distant crowd of people. Felcaw doesn’t get it at first. Then he does. He chases after us, shouting, “Wait for me! Oi!” We carry on running; I’m well ahead of the other two. A shadow falls over me from above. I duck instinctively, still running. Something lands with a thump on my right shoulder. An eagle. It’s obviously Felcaw. “That’s not fair,” I complain to him, slowing down to let Seqain and Venro catch up. “You were supposed to run!”

“I gave up running a long time ago,” he replied. “When I found out I could fly!”

His claws dig into my shoulder as he takes off then alights on the ground. He shuts his amber eyes and then, brow furrowed in concentration, shimmers and blurs, shifting back into a boy. I reach down a hand to help him up. Then the four of us carry on walking. After a couple of minutes, we reach the group of people and stand a little way off from them.

“Wonder who they are?” says Seqain, voicing what we’re all thinking.

Venro indicates a man heading towards us. “I think we’re about to find out.”

There’s something about this man that makes me wary. Not his looks; he’s pretty ordinary, tall and well-built with green eyes and brown hair. No, it’s more like he’s not quite in control of himself, that he’s liable to blow at any minute.

“What’s your business here?” he asks gruffly. The others turn to look at me. Why, I don’t know, but they’re definitely expecting me to say something. With the green-eyed guy glaring at me, my friends staring at me, my mind totally goes blank. I’m standing here like an idiot, with my mouth open, but no words coming out.

“Well?” The man growls angrily, looking like he wants to rip me apart.

“Stop it Feron. You’re scaring them.” Someone else has joined our group. I give an inward sigh of relief, then look at the person I’m sure has just saved my skin. He’s tall and well-built too, with black hair and yellow eyes.

“Who are you?” he asks. This time the question is directed at Felcaw. He introduces us all, then asks a question of his own, totally at ease. “So, who are you?” he asks. I swear I see a hint of a smile on the man’s face, amused by Felcaw forwardness. But then it’s gone and I’m not sure it was ever there.

“My name is Amrar.” Amrar begins to walk towards a man standing by himself with Feron. “Come with us,” he says over his shoulder. We look at each other for a moment, then begin to follow Feron and Amrar. Just before we actually reach the solitary man, Amrar whispers something to Feron. Feron nods reluctantly, and walks off. We catch up to Amrar and the man by himself exchanges a few pleasantries with him before asking him, “Amrar, who have you brought with you?” Amrar introduces us all.

“This is Astro,” he whispers. “He is our leader.

He looks at us all in turn. “Can you shape-shift?” he asks.

The question is aimed at Felcaw. He turns to me uncertainly. Personally, I think we should tell Astro the truth but it’s not my decision alone. Venro looks at Seqain and gives me an imperceptible nod. “Yes,” I reply.

“How much do you know about your powers?” Astro asks.

“Not much.”

“Well, Venolf War, let me teach you and your friends what I know.” He sits down on the ground, indicating that we do too. Amrar sits with us.

“I don’t know how we have found the ability to shapeshift, whether it’s in all humans or just a select few. But what I do know is that characteristics from your shifted form are reflected in your human form and vice versa. Every shape-shifter can communicate with other shape-shifters. However, the further away people are from you, the harder it will become to communicate. It becomes easier to talk over long distances if you communicate regularly. It also seems that some, maybe all, shape-shifters have additional powers. We don’t know much about this though. Anyway, enough about that. I’m assuming you’ve heard about Kaflon, our new Prime Minster?” He carries on, oblivious to our confused expressions. “Well then, you know that he has kept the actual Prime Minister hostage.”

“We didn’t know that,” Venro says.

“Did you watch the news and find out about Kaflon?” asks Amrar.

“Yes,” Venro replies.

“That will be why you didn’t know then. No-one will be allowed to broadcast that information. Imagine how much public rioting would happen if everyone finds out that the government is obeying every demand Kaflon makes, just to save the PM.”

Astro and Amrar look at each other for a moment. Then Amrar stands up and indicates that we should come with him. We get up and follow him to where someone has pitched a tent. Inside the tent is Feron. Taking one look at us, he storms past us, pushing Felcaw roughly to the side. I’m about to protest angrily but Amrar’s eyes meet mine and he mouths, “Don’t.” I stop.

We watch Amrar pace around the tent, minds spinning. I reckon I’m wondering the same thing as the others are. Wondering whether I have powers and, if I do, what they are. I’m wrenched from my thoughts as Amrar speaks to the four of us, face averted. He’s at the back of the tent, hands stuffed in pockets.

“There’s something I need to…” Amrar’s interrupted as someone calls his name from outside. He hesitates then walks out, leaving us alone.

I hear commotion outside and instinctively head towards it, not stopping to see if the others follow. Blinking in the sudden light, I see two animals, a lynx and a large fox, fighting. The fox seems to have the advantage at the moment as the lynx is just lashing out, randomly. The lynx claws the fox across the face just as a black panther arrives, flicking his tail from side to side. I’m sure my hearing has got much better since I’ve found out how to shape-shift; I can hear the panther whisper to the fox, “Go, don’t make me force you. You shouldn’t be here in the first place.” The fox ignores him. The panther sighs then grabs the fox by the scruff of the neck and effortlessly tosses him to the side. Then the panther sits casually back on his haunches and shimmers and blurs, as does the lynx. Amrar and Feron! The panther and the lynx! The fox limps away, not bothering to shift back. The crowd that is gathered disperses and soon, Amrar, Felcaw and I are the only ones left. Feron has a large cut and blood is trickling out of it down his cheek but he doesn’t seem to realise.

Amrar turns Feron towards him, hands on his shoulders. I realise they’re about to have a talk, maybe an argument. Feeling decidedly uncomfortable, I walk back to the tent.

Hey, so I've only read the first three chapter so far.
I don't want to talk about grammar, one, you've already got tons of corrections, and, two, that would take a bunch of time that I don't have at the moment.
Anyways, review chapter 1-3:

I think I like this. I mean, you have introduced some mythical, mysterious plot. But, sadly, I don't know where you're coming from or where you're going. I mean, you jump right into things. I don't even know your main character at all. I might suggest that you go back and explain certain things.
The man who she's living with, who is he and why was he so nice to her? She isn't creeped out by it at all? Just a suggestion.
I'll come back and read the others later!
~Classy

Hey afeefah Here it is, your long-pending review.

When he left, it’d been about 6ish. Now it’s a quarter to seven.

I’m not a big fan of the “6ish” part, number-word combinations tend to throw me off. “Six-ish” should be fine, or just “six” or ‘6:00’ would work as well. And you forgot the word ‘a’ in between ‘it’s’ and ‘quarter’.

7pm exactly.

It’s the same issue I took with the other mention of time. ‘7:00 PM’ would look a little nicer. But this is only personal preference.

Venro grins mischievously.

Considering his character, would he really grin so easily? I get the feeling it’s more of a smirk, which suggests a sort of arrogance and independence to him than a grin. I’m not quite sure of this, however.

The fight scenes are interesting, but I’d love a bit more internal monologue. As Venolf fights with Venro, and loses out the first time, how does Venolf feel throughout all this? Afraid? Surprised? I would connect better with the action if I could understand the emotion.

“He was just toying with you yesterday.” Then to my look of confusion, “You were out for ages! It’s Tuesday!”

“I thought it was still Monday!” I exclaim.

I don’t quite understand what Venro is saying here. Who was just toying? And about what?

The tale of what happens while Seqain finds Felcaw seems awfully rushed. Some more details would be nice to see, and I’m not sure if I like the way Seqain retells what happens. It kind of just seems like the narrator’s voice in dialogue tags. It doesn’t sound like the way Seqain would tell the story. My suggestion would be to either stick with how you did it in the first paragraph, or rewrite it so we can tell that Seqain is telling a story, his way.

I’m shell-shocked. Felcaw’s alive!

Some more details other than 'shell-shocked' would be really good here. What is going on with Venolf's body. Arms shaking? Knees buckling? Or is he completely stiff, not a muscle moving? Maybe he's got goosebumps. Maybe his eyes feel like they're about to pop out. Some more physical details never hurt a soul-- in moderation.

I stop. It doesn’t make sense going after him. He’ll come when he’s good and ready. Like I said myself, no point in getting myself killed for any reason.

I find it a little odd. I thought Felcaw had just been injured? Venolf really trusts that, even hurt, he'll be able to get away from a powerful man that easily?

“Hi,” he says, giving me a lopsided grin.
“Hi,” I mutter back, a lump forming in my throat. “How are you?” I ask.

“I’m fine,” he replies.

What an interesting conversation. Venolf thought that his best friend had died, but the only thing he says is 'how are you?' It seems a little subdued, and it seems like Venolf would be more animated than that. Maybe he wouldn't tackle-hug the guy like I would, but...I think he'd show more excitement and relief than that. Even if Seqain told him that Felcaw was still alive, it's hard to believe such a thing until you see it with your own eyes.

Felcaw is a year younger than me but he acts a lot older.

The phrasing is a little...simple? I'm not sure what I'm trying to say about this part, except that I find something off with it. I'm sorry I can't offer better advice.

The video clip I’d seen a taster of as Venro had flicked past it was still showing.

I'm pretty sure you meant to write 'taste' here, instead of 'taster'.

“Rioting has ensued all over England as the public are beginning to realise the implications of shape shifting.

Just some awkward wording here, I'm not sure this is how a news reporter would say it. Personally, I would do something along the lines of "Riots are breaking out all over England as the public is beginning to realize the implications of shape-shifting." This is just personal taste, however. One thing that definitely must be changed is that 'the public are' should be 'the public is'. Although 'the public' represents a group, the word itself is singular and there should always be subject-verb agreement.

The group have taken over the building and the government have been forced to take extreme measures. They have told Britain’s police force that if anyone is seen shape shifting they are to be arrested. Tune in at 6 o’clock for the latest news updates. That’s all for now. Goodbye.”

I'm not sure how UK news works, but what I've typically seen is that with big, breaking stories, that usually overrides all other programs. The example that comes to mind is 9/11. All morning shows were stopped so everyone could cover such an event. It makes more sense that the news crew would stay there to pick up and report news ASAP.

It’s so quite I can hear myself breathing.

Just a typo I wanted to point out.

“Now we can’t even shapeshift without fear of being captured by the police.”

I'm just curious as to how you're going to write shapeshifting. I've seen it written as shapeshift, shape shift, and I think shape-shift in your story, so I was just wondering which one you're sticking to.

“Who are you?” he asks. This time the question is directed at Felcaw. He introduces us all, then asks a question of his own, totally at ease. “So, who are you?” he asks.

New speaker gets new paragraph.

We catch up to Amrar and the man by himself exchanges a few pleasantries with him before asking him, “Amrar, who have you brought with you?” Amrar introduces us all.

Shouldn't it be 'him' rather than 'himself'?

The crowd that is gathered disperses and soon, Amrar, Felcaw and I are the only ones left. Feron has a large cut and blood is trickling out of it down his cheek but he doesn’t seem to realise.

Felcaw, or Feron?

What an exciting chapter! And much longer than the rest, it seems. I apologize again for having taken so long! But I really wanted to work through it, get to the details, so I hope this really long nitpick list will suffice. As always, I really appreciate how much effort your put into your work, both first draft and later revisions. Whether it's my suggestions or someone else's, it's evident you take the time to consider what people have to say and see if it really works better for your story.

As your list of characters grows, remember to take time and establish strong characteristics for every important person. Venro is the quiet, slightly antisocial one. Felcaw is playful, Seqain is lighthearted, no? Venolf is strong, headstrong, and a bit of an antsy character. That's how the cast looks to me. If my ideas match up to what you have in mind, then excellent. But make sure you keep up these guys in character. Just a random note, but this is a very male cast! Where are the females? Just out of curiosity.

Also, I'd love to see more descriptions of setting. They're in England, a place I've seen a lot of in books and movies. However, that doesn't mean skimping is acceptable. I'm not sure I even have a strong sense of where they are at the moment. Yes, there's a tent pitched so I know it's a rural area, but are they near a forest? Out on endless hills? And (atlhough I know it sounds silly) how's the weather? Nature can play a pivotal role in establishing a mood for the story, keep that in mind. Just sprinkle tiny, tiny details and it'll make a world of a difference.

Oof, I've been talking for quite a bit, haven't I? I hope some small sliver of this is helpful, and keep writing I'm always happy to drop a review, as long as you're happy to write and get feedback. Keep up the nice work, I'm quite impressed.

Best of luck!
octo