Young Writers Society

Amaryllis wrote:*Prologue*
Lauren Travolt stared down at the can of ravioli. Her children didn’t know it was the last one, the last food of any sort they would have for a while. Perhaps change this to "the last of any food they'd have for a while" I feel this reads a little better? Lauren couldn’t bring herself to open it. Lovely use of a short, snappy sentence! If she didn’t move now, they would always have some food left, wouldn’t they? The thought that she still had extra food left had consoled her for the last few days, but now… Good, engaging start. I'm hooked and your narration through Lauren is excellent.
“Mommy?” She change 'She' to 'she', no capitalization(sp?) needed felt a tug on her sleeve; it was her six year old daughter Karla. Nice, clean introduction to a new character, well done. “Can we have dinner now? My mouth really, really tastes like lemon juice.” This is odd - and I LOVE it! By “tastes like lemon juice,” Karla meant that she was hungry thanks for explaining? I'd cut this line and leave the reader to interpret it how they want to. Lauren suspected for a long time that Karla had something called synesthesia, a condition in which she experienced multiple senses at once or confused them. This is well written. Karla spoke her own funny language—numbers were colors, feelings were tastes, colors were sounds. Lauren and Karla’s brother were able to decipher it, but Karla tended to confuse anyone else she met. Good vocabulary used - "decipher".
“Yes, dear,” Lauren said, unable to meet her daughter’s eyes. Brilliant portrayal of character. She lifted the can opener. There was a sharp snap, and the fact was real, she could not deny it. This was the last of the food they had left. Lauren’s hand trembled as she opened the lid, and she bit back a curse as her shaking hand collided not sure about the word "collided"... perhaps change to something that better suits the atmosphere, it seems to stick out too much with the sharp edge of the metal. She placed her bleeding finger in her mouth and poured the ravioli into three separate bowls with the other hand, feeling her injured finger pulse slightly. She set the first bowl in the microwave, and she then remembered that the power wasn’t working. Of course it wasn’t working; it hadn’t since Lauren had been unable to pay the electric bill a month ago. She wondered why she had failed to remember that now. This is good, but it seems desperate, perhaps revise the structure of this end-to-paragraph? And if I'm right in thinking that there has been some sort of virus/disaster/global issue, does she still need to pay her bills?
Lauren put the three bowls on the table, and her children immediately began to eat. Lauren, however, stared at her food, not moving to reach for a spoon. Cold ravioli. Wonderful. She finally picked up the spoon and followed her children’s lead with difficulty, eating as slowly as she could. She didn’t know how she was going to get food now; others had taken to stealing from stores, but store owners had guns now, and Lauren could not risk leaving her children alone. Her husband Daniel had tried that only last month, trying to acquire a generator so that the house could still be heated. Now, not only was the house cold, so was the other side of the double bed Lauren slept in. She had no idea how she had gotten through the last month without him, but here she was, still alive. She wondered how long that would last. I like how you've kept secret what's happened to him. This paragraph is very well written.
“What are we having for food tomorrow?” Her older child, eight year old Adam, asked. Her children were well aware of what was going on; the entire family had been reduced to one meal a day and had grown used to it. Lauren made a non-committal scratch out the word "non-comittal" it isn't needed and sounds off-atmosphere noise accompanied by a shrug, stuffing her mouth with ravioli.
“Karla, keep your hair out of your food,” Lauren rushed over to her daughter, whose curly mass of black hair was dangling precariously close to the sticky sauce. The world may have been in tatters, but darn it, Lauren was going to keep her children clean. Lauren tied Karla’s hair back. It still bloomed like a cloud in the back of her head, but at least it wasn’t hanging in front of her face. Real sense of Lauren's character here and you're showing me, not telling me, which is fantastic!
These moments of normality were few and far between now. Lauren remembered a prosperous America, but only faintly, even though it had been just a few years ago. Ever since a man named Richard Maresso had become President in 2008, the country had begun to accelerate down the toilet. Like how you put that! It had appeared on the outside that America was having a golden age of massive productivity, but the truth was that the majority of the jobs were not held by humans. Maresso had stood by while the jobs in the nation had nearly all become automated, throwing millions of Americans from their jobs Ah! So she does have to pay her bills! It's all unwinding now, this is good. First Daniel had lost his job, and then Lauren as well. By now, three years later, the majority of the country was unemployed, and the government had not bothered to do anything about it. Good fill-in, be careful not to infodump too much though or you'll start sounding like a history book.
Lauren Travolt Just call her Lauren so the next sentence doesn't sound repetitive. You told us her second name at the beginning had run out of money. The Travolts’ savings had lasted them three years, but now, all the money was gone. Now Lauren had to choose— make this a colon not a dash sell the house or starve. And she couldn’t afford to sell the house; it wasn’t safe at all on the streets. People were angry, and it was sheer luck that their house hadn’t been broken into yet. But outside…they didn’t even have walls to protect them. People would attack in hopes change "hopes" to "in the hope" of stealing something from you, even if you had nothing.
Lauren got up from the table, leaving the ravioli unfinished. She felt herself begin to panic. They had to have something edible, somewhere. She began rifling through her cabinets, praying she would find some long-forgotten box of crackers a little specific? But this is good in a way because it defines her character, perhaps bring the specific nature of thought up more as the novel goes on. She had an insane moment and wished with all her heart that the laundry detergent that sat squatly in the cabinet in front of her was edible. It’d be at least be something to drink; Lauren had been collecting rain water in the backyard, but it was barely enough. It had been raining less and less, and nothing would come out of the tap unless she paid for it. "and nothing would come out of the tap without paying for it. - reads better.
A knock at the door jolted Lauren out of her half-demented reverie, and she gripped the cupboard door three times more tightly. She let go and crept over to Karla and Adam, both of whom had frozen over their dinner. The ravioli lay abandoned.
The knock came again, this time accompanied by a voice. “Citizen, please open your door. We are here to help, and we will not hurt you.”
“That’s what they all say,” Lauren muttered. She didn’t move. They’d have to break down the door if they wanted to get inside. She wished she had had the supplies to board it up. To her astonishment and horror, she heard a sharp click as the door unlocked. How in the world did they have a key to the house? She ran to the cabinet and pulled out a frying pan; if they were going to attack them, she wouldn’t make it easy. Beautiful character development, very well done.
The door creaked open, and a man and woman in government uniforms strode quickly inside and locked the door behind them. Lauren was finding it hard to breathe; how could she have been so careless as to leave a housekey around? Unless these were the people who had killed Daniel…maybe they had stolen his key. But no. Lauren had found Daniel’s body herself, and she had taken all of his belongings back to the house, including the key. She tried to push the memory of finding her lifeless husband out of her mind. Oo! He was killed - I'm captivated! Excellent!
“Excuse us, Mrs.…Travolt, is it?” The man said, looking down at a laptop he was holding. Lauren didn’t look up; replace semi colon with a full stop and capitalize 'There' there was a possibility they were actually there to help, since he was able to use electricity to run his laptop. However, they could also be accomplished thieves if they had managed to acquire a working computer.
“We won’t hurt you,” the woman said gently. Karla let out a whimper, clinging to Lauren. Nice. You've pulled in the other characters instead of a focus, which improves the atmosphere for the reader - brilliant!
“Here,” the woman walked over and put something bulky on the table that she had pulled out of her bag. Out of the corner of her eye, Lauren saw that it was a dozen shrink-wrapped cans of soup. She couldn’t stop herself. She grabbed the cans of soup and yanked them toward her, cradling them as if they were long-lost children. The woman chuckled. That's a good sense of character development but has she forgotten she cannot heat them up? Or is she merely shrouded in thought by the amount of food at this point to remember? Perhaps show us a little more of her character so we can understand this a little more.
“Lauren Travolt,” The man said, as if he was affirming her existence. “We thank you for not attacking us as we entered your house. interesting, you're developing what the outer world is like through dialogue - very smart, your writing will go far! We are part of a new government plan to salvage the country. President Maresso has a plan to help humans exist in harmony with the new automated economy. It’s been all over the news. Have you seen it?”
“Do you think we have a working television?” Lauren said, trying to contain her anger. Oh, now was Maresso going to do something, when his presidency was in jeopardy? Lauren wasn’t surprised that it would take riots on Washington to make him do something. I like this paragraph, expecially how you're portrayed Lauren's emotions.
The man ignored her. “Due to the inability of the average citizen to afford food, the President has hired a team of master scientists from Lockwood, Inc. to solve the problem. I’m sure you’ve heard of them.” Lauren nodded. Lockwood, Inc. owned an immense amount of companies, but she hadn’t known they were involved in science.
“They have engineered an operation to make humans less dependent on food. You can go for up to seven days without food if necessary. The President has mandated this operation for every citizen, so I am going to have to ask all three of you to come with us,” The man said, beckoning to Lauren. She eyed both of them, not moving.
“If you have enough food to keep yourselves healthy and give me this soup, why can’t you just distribute food to everyone?” Lauren stood up, still leaning protectively over the soup. Love it. Treating the soup like a prop is upholding the atmosphere, excellent.
“Would you like us to take all of that away? We can, and we will.” Silence. “President Maresso’s plan will be more successful in the long run. An average citizen cannot see through the far-reaching eye of President Maresso. We are not asking you to comply, we are demanding it. Stand up and come with us, or you will get no food at all.” The woman put a hand to her belt. Lauren began to tremble when she saw a gun there. Change of atmosphere here, so you should elaborate Lauren's feelings a little more.
“Mommy…” Adam’s voice was tiny, and he buried his face in Lauren’s side. This is one of the best lines. It paints a vivid picture and puts the reader in Adam's boots and the mothers reading this will expecially feel what you're writing.
Something in Lauren finally gave. Going with them at least meant something different than this drawn out starvation. No matter what, she wanted to keep her family alive, and this house meant doom.
“Fine. We’ll go. Maresso better be right.” Very good... I'd stop the prologue here and make the next bit Chapter one? But then that depends how you' intend to continue I guess, but this would make a good end-to-prologue - just in case!

Karla was scared. The man and the woman were strange. They had taken Karla and her family to a strange white building, and now she was all alone in a room that looked like a doctor’s office. Her mother had said that they were going to give her something to make her sleep, and when she woke up, she wouldn’t be hungry anymore. They had taken her mother and brother to separate rooms, and Karla tasted metal. Her mouth always tasted of metal when she was scared, and she was certainly frightened now. The room’s whiteness make this "white surroundings", 'whiteness' doesn't sound right... was uncomfortable, and her ears buzzed with it. I like that, "her ears buzzed with it" - beautiful!
The door clicked, startling Karla. The metal taste got worse, and Karla gritted her teeth. A man in a large white coat closed the door behind him, and Karla scooted backward. He smiled at her, and she saw he was holding a laptop computer. haha! I like the pattern of laptop computers, gets a real idea of who these people are and what the world you've set this in is like.
“Hello, little girl. Karla,” the man said, and his voice tasted of rusty spoons. Karla knew it wasn’t normal to taste things when there was nothing in her mouth, or to hear colors, but she wasn’t going to tell the strange man that. Karla’s mother had told her that she had synes-something-that-was-a-very-long-word when ( Karla had told her) Revise this?, and that normal people didn’t have it. Karla had decided that normal people would be very boring. Again, very good character development, you're showing us their personalities excellently! However, today she was going to be boring. If this synes-thing was weird, she didn’t want them to take her away.
“H-Hello,” Karla squeaked, her voice sounding echoey in the buzzy white room. She wanted the metal taste to go away, but she knew it wouldn’t until her mother and brother came back. Well written.
“We just have to ask you a few questions before we begin, to make sure you’ll be okay if you have the surgery,” the man said in his rusty-spoon voice, I like how you've used this to explain the way of speaking - very clever and Karla wanted to cover her ears to make the taste go away. She managed a nod, and the man typed something on his laptop. He began to ask her questions, and Karla grew more and more confused by the minute. She couldn’t understand what this had to do with making her not hungry; he was just asking random questions, the kind she would hear in school. Then the metal taste got suddenly worse. He began to ask about math. That's very well written, its serious but at the same time there's a notion of humour!
“What is three plus two?”
Karla wanted to scream. Her mother had tried to teach her math but had given up because Karla had such trouble with it. The last thing she needed was some stupid math problem making her life worse!
She thought a moment, screwing up her forehead. Two was red, and three was blue. Red and blue made purple, right? And purple was nine. So, three and two were nine.
“Nine,” Karla said loudly, hoping that speaking louder would make her seem smarter. The doctor frowned, and Karla nearly spat at the rust taste. She was wrong, and they were going to hurt her! He asked her a few more math questions, getting similar results. Karla's my favourite character! (:
“All right, that’s all we need to know. We’re going to give you something to make you sleep,” The doctor said, still smiling.
“I won’t starve?” Karla half shrieked, barely able to believe it. The doctor shook his head. Karla was so relieved that eh I guess you mean she? and not "eh"... almost began to dance. The hunger was going to go away! The metal taste was replaced by that of delicious pineapple, and her mouth began to water.
A mask soared over her face as she lay down, and she faded to blissful black. This alliteration makes the atmosphere crawl into the reader, it's very well written.

Lauren wanted to wait until both her children were safely recovering before she went in herself, and the suspense was killing her. She sat in a waiting room, the old magazines on the table reminding her of things from before the economic collapse. She still wondered if she had imagined them, and these magazines were pure fiction. She had told the doctors she had needed to think about whether she wanted the surgery or not, and she hoped that would last her long enough until at least one of her children came out.
“Ma’am, come with me. You’ve thought long enough, and you’re delaying our schedule,” a man wrenched her upward by the arm, and she cried out wordlessly. Dun dun dun! I'm gripped! You have a fabulous natural flare for plot and character development - it's outstanding!
Lauren struggled within his grasp and said, “Sir, I am waiting for my children! I want to see if they are all right before I go in!” If something went wrong, she would be the only one who could take care of them. There was no way she was going to leave them.
“Ma’am, they’ll be fine. I am going to ask that you calm down. We can’t perform the operation if you are in such a frenzy,” the man gripped her arm so firmly it hurt, and another man stood up and helped restrain her.
“I will not calm down until I see my children!” Lauren didn’t care that all the other people in the waiting room were staring. All she could think about was Karla and Adam.
“Ma’am, you will calm down!” The man on her right shouted. “If you do not stop disrupting the facility, you will be shot. Do you understand?” Lauren heard a swoosh as he whipped something out of his pocket with his free hand, and she could only assume it was a gun. Woah! They'd shoot her? I'm drawn in by the mystery now, but hopefully not for the wrong reasons! Try to extend an atmosphere longer in situations like this. Jumping to getting shot would be a bit extreme, no? Perhaps its an extreme world? I like how you've got me to ask all these questions - you're very professional!
She froze. She couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t let her see her children. Surely one of them had to be a parent.
“One more word, ma’am, and a bullet goes through your head,” the man said, and Lauren saw that it was indeed a pistol in his hand. She shook within his grasp now, both from fury and terror. She needed to stay here. What if one of her children came out here, and Lauren got shipped somewhere else? They would be so worried if they couldn’t see her upon waking.
The guards marched her off down a hallway, and she bit back tears. She had to see her children. She had to. But if she cried out, she’d never have the chance.
An earsplitting scream pierced the hallway, and the men whipped around, swinging Lauren around with them.
“I won’t let you make me stupid like the rest of them! I saw them!” A female voice shrieked, and Lauren heard a scraping sound on the floor as if the woman was being dragged. “You’ve wiped their brains! My own son doesn’t even recognize me! My own—“ A sharp crack. Another scream. Then silence. Wow! This is brilliant! I hope you write a novel some day
Lauren shrank in horror, suddenly filled with twice as much fear as before.
Sensing her anxiety, the man on her left turned to her. “The woman’s mad. The operation does nothing to one’s brain. We only stop your hunger pains.” His voice turned dangerous. “Rumors are highly flammable objects. Don’t add to the flames.” It sounded like something Karla would say. And with that thought, Lauren went rigid within the men’s grasp. If Karla and Adam didn’t recognize her, she didn’t know what she would do. Or worse—what if she didn’t recognize them?
“I can’t do this,” Lauren said as calmly as she could, though she felt her voice tremble. “Please let me go.”
“Not an option, ma’am,” one of the men said brusquely, and the men began to drag her down the hall. This time, she dug in her heels, feeling her feet scrape on the floor. The men jerked her forward, and she cried out before she could stop herself.
“Please! Let me go!”
The man on her right looked to the man on her left. “Well, we warned her.” He raised the pistol, and Lauren felt her breath catch.
“Please—“ Then the world exploded in black. Oh my lord! Ah, what happens next? Sorry, I'm not reviewing anymore - this is so excellent!

When Karla awoke, she still tasted metal. She couldn’t figure out where she was, and she saw a patch of gauze taped to the inside of her right wrist. She moved her right hand and felt a twinge of pain; how was this supposed to make her not hungry?
She looked around and realized she wasn’t in the buzzy white room anymore. Instead the room was a cheery banana-flavored yellow, and Karla found that she had been tucked into a plushy blue bed. Where on Earth was she? It was so comfortable, but where was the rest of her family? Her mother had said that she’d see Karla after she woke up.
“Mom?” Karla asked the empty room, her voice hoarse. All she received in answer was another painful twinge in her right wrist. She dragged herself out from under the heavy comforter and wobbled toward the door. She opened it and saw that it led into a brightly lit yellow hallway, and the yellow tasted like bananas and plastic. She called out for her mother again, and this time someone answered.
“Karla? Why are you up so early?” The voice was female but unfamiliar. This definitely wasn’t her mother. A small grey-haired, dark-skinned woman appeared from another doorway, clad in fuzzy sickly green pajamas This is a very good introduction and its almost like Karla's opposite - I like it. Her voice was soft and mushy looking, and Karla was sure she had never seen her before in her life.
“Where’s my mom and my brother?” Karla stared head on at the woman, who frowned in confusion.
“I’m right here, darling. And what brother are you talking about?”
Karla tasted rusty spoons again. “Where’s my family? You’re not my mother!”
“Darling Karla, of course I am your bother (you mean mother?). Did you have a funny dream again?” The woman moved toward her, reaching to embrace her. Karla recoiled. The woman smelled of stale caramel. Karla's fab! You have a hell of a good imagination.
“But—But I have a mom, and she’s not you! I have a brother, too. And this isn’t our house. And I wanted to finish my ravioli, but people came in and took us away. I’m not hungry anymore, and I want my family,” Karla half shrieked, feeling her heart begin to race. Then as suddenly as it had some, the adrenaline was gone with a twinge of her right wrist. Karla felt strangely detached, and knew that she should feel scared even though her body did not. The metal taste in her mouth was replaced by that of cool plastic, and she felt her body calm itself.
The woman advanced toward her, her grey eyes soft and watery. “Karla, that’s all nonsense. You must have had a nightmare. Here, darling, some and eat breakfast.” The woman took Karla’s hand and led her down the hallway. Karla felt the memories swirl around in her head, and she grew more and more unsure they were real. But she was sure she didn’t recognize that woman…
“Then what’s this on my hand?” Karla held up her right wrist, and the woman blinked at it.
“You must have knocked it against something, darling. Come to breakfast and forget your nightmare.” Karla really wished the woman would stop calling her “darling.”
Karla smelled food now, and she guessed it was coming from a real source and not her head. Maybe it was best to forget this nightmare…She hoped she could.

Amaryllis wrote:Thanks for reading! For the political mumbo-jumbo...
My reasoning for that is that this is a different universe than ours. You'll find out later that there has been a plot (indeed a nefarious one) going on since before 2008 which is the reason for all the strife. I was basing it loosely on our world, but I've mixed around history a bit.