Young Writers Society

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A traitor receives his next task, Adam Soraka and Seeko meet the base’s new inhabitants and The Princess dreams up a bold new plan.
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The Princess
Thursday 12.08.3472
00:37
Lizaria, Lizaria Royal Palace
Princess’ private quarters
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The Princess, jumped with fright as she awoke. Her heart was racing, and her breaths were quick. She slowly sat up, and looked around the room.

“Just a bad dream,” she muttered to herself. She silently slipped out of her immeasurably soft silk bed, and began to pace aimlessly back and forth across her room. The night air was cool and relaxing; she opened the windows before going to bed, because she loved the way the night air felt and the way it made the drapes of her bed dance. The thought had been troubling her ever since the first system was lost in under an hour the Vorog forces.

What if Lizaria was to fall?

There would be carnage that was for sure. From sketchy reports the Vorogs had apparently beaten, and killed most Lizarian POWs the moment they had surrendered. Worse were reports about the civilian population; apparently many had been tortured for no reason at all, and many of the survivors had been made into slaves; that carried out tasks aboard large Vorog ships. Also, what would happen to her? Would she be beaten and killed? Tortured and killed? Or would all of the evil things happen to her?

“They are innocents why must they suffer?” she asked under her breath.
That’s when it hit her. “Ships have three things: slaves, fuel and ammunition. They need to make stops to collect more every so often. That means they will likely only have a light guard aboard, if they dock at a planet-” She stopped abruptly. There was a long pause as the formulated her plan “I’m such a genius at times,” she said with a smile.

Without a second thought she pressed a button in one of the posts of her bed.
“Guard recall Soraka, and Adam from their current assignment. I need to talk with them immediately,” She ordered.

“As you wish my princess, but for some reason we have lost their signal ever since they went underground with the Drakeo agent,” The guard replied.

“Do what you must, even if it means going out to fetch them back. I need to see them immediately,” She said. Eventually she climbed back into bed curled up and decided to rest for a few minutes before going to talk with the others involved in her plan.

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The thing was like nothing I had ever seen before.

The creature was clearly a Drakeo, but it was…different. Its scales were dark obsidian black, and looked like they had melted and cooled again. The scales were also longer than normal and like they had dripped down his arms, down his body and then solidified.

A strange slowly curving blade sprouted from each of its wrists, half way up the bottom half of each arm, and just before each elbow. The blades were on the outside of his arms. The first was about three inches from base to tip, the second about seven inches and the last about ten inches; the blades curved enough so the tops were level with each other.
Its legs were similar to its arms except the blades were on the front of its legs, and were several inches bigger.

The wings of the creature looked like they had melted and solidified again, but the wing tissue had been destroyed leaving only the skeletal like structure that would support its wings. Scales covered the remaining bone and muscle; the wings looked more like massive, grim claws than beautiful accessories. It gave off a low growl before charging headlong at us.

Its movements were animistic. Its arms were flailing, always slashing in our direction. It charged with a slight hobble in its step, but that barely seemed to affect it. Seeko, and Soraka brought their weapons to bear and fired. Bullets exploded from Soraka’s VG-86 in a dance of green and yellow, each leaving with a fierce bang. Seeko’s pistols gave off small light blue flashes, causing a slight bang accompanied by a humming sound.

Drakeo weapons used a technology universally known as Gauss. Gauss is when several magnets are used to propel an object an high speeds, Drakeo weapons fired a standard round that was then accelerated using Gauss technology, making each shot incredibly powerful even from pistols.

The bullets impacted the creature with a slight ping sound, like they were impacting metal. Sparks also flew from the point were the bullet hit. It was almost at us when Soraka’s VG-86 clicked empty; Seeko’s pistols shortly followed. Both of them reloaded with lightening speed then renewed their attack. Again all three weapons clicked empty.

It reached us.

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“Black Wolf” Audio conversation.
Thursday 12.08.3472
01:02
Lizaria
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-Audio Transmission activated-

“The assassination attempt failed,” Black Wolf said angrily

“A small errand compared to your next,” Leader replied, he seemed strangely contented.

“Go on,” Black Wolf replied, sounding confused yet intrigued.

“My informants tell me that a convoy, carrying large amounts of Human nuclear weapons, is en route to Lizaria. Get aboard, hack into the autopilot and send the transports to the Savera system. We will commandeer the weapons, and give you face-to-face payment,” Leader explained. “On the topic of face-to-face…what race are you?”

There was a long tense pause.

“Lizarian,” Black Wolf eventually replied.

“Really!” Leader exclaimed, “A Lizarian willing to attack their own Princess, and betray their allies, that I did not expect.”

“Go on. What race are you?” Black Wolf asked. Leader laughed.

Tt made Black Wolf shudder.

“Vorog” Leader said, sounding nothing short of proud, “General Rovok to be exact. Details are being transferred now.”

“I hope you don’t mind my abrupt visit,” A calm voice said.

“Princess!” Black Wolf shouted.

-Audio Transmission terminated-

Hello Stealth, long time no see. The Sci_Fi section doesn't seem to get many reviews does it?

“Just a bad dream,” she reassured herself. Did she say that out loud? Perhaps add that she said it if she did? She silently slipped out of her immeasurably soft silk bed, and began to pace aimlessly back and forth across her room The night air was cool and relaxing; she opened the windows before going to bed, because she loved the way the night air felt and the way it made the drapes of her bed dance, when the wind was right. I don't think that comma is needed, and the sentence is very long. The thought had been troubling her ever since the first system was lost in under an hour the Vorog forces.Maybe it's because I didn't read the previous chapters that I'm trying to figure out what thought is troubling her.

What if Lizaria fell?

Fell is past tense, which would mean that it already happened. Change to "falls" which means it can happen in the future.

There would be carnage that was for sure. From sketchy reports the Vorogs had apparently beaten, and killed, most Lizarian POWs the moment they had surrendered. Worse were reports about the civilian population, apparently many had been tortured for no reason at all, and many of the survivors had been made into slaves; that carried out tasks aboard large Vorog ships. Also, what would happen to her? Would she be beaten and killed? Tortured and killed? Or would all of the evil things happen to her?

There are also several instances in that paragraph where I feel comas would like to dwell.

That’s when it hit her. “Ships have three things: slaves, fuel and ammunition. They need to make stops to collect more every so often. That means they will likely only have a light guard aboard, if they dock at a planet-” She stopped abruptly. There was a long pause as the formulated her plan “I’m such a genius at times,”

That entire paragraph was hard to understand. And, what do you mean by "the" did you mean "she"

“Guard recall Soraka, and Adam, from their current assignment. I need to talk with them immediately,” She ordered.

Omit the second comma.

“Do what you must, even if it means going out to fetch them back. I need to see them immediately,” She said. Eventually she climbed back into bed curled up and decided to rest for a few minutes before going to talk with the others involved in her plan.

Fixed up for you. You misspelled bed, and forgot to finish with a period.

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The thing was like nothing I had ever seen before.

The creature was clearly a Drakeo, but it was…different. Its scales were dark obsidian black, and looked like they had melted and cooled again; the scales were longer than normal, like they had dripped down along his arms, and down his body then had solidified. You mentioned scales twice in that very long sentence. A strange slowly curving blade sprouted from each of its wrists, half way up the bottom half of each arm, and just before each elbow. The blades were on the outside of his arms. The first was about three inches from base to tip, the second about seven inches and the last about ten inches; the blades curved enough so the tops were level with each other. Its legs were similar to its arms except the blades were on the front of its legs, and were several inches bigger. The wings of the creature were all but destroyed, they too looked like they had melted and solidified again, but the wing tissue had been destroyed leaving only the skeletal like structure that would support its wings. You contradicted what you said in one sentence! First you say it's damaged and healed, then you go to say it's damaged again. Scales that looked like they had melted and solidified covered the remaining bone and muscle; the wings looked more like massive claws. It gave off a low growl before charging headlong at us.

That is one big block of text! It scared me! And I'm not talking about your awesome creature in it. Please find breaks and make into into several paragraphs instead of one huge one.

Its movements were animalistic. Its arms were flailing, always slashing in our direction. What? Our is a first person word. And, besides, where did the multiple people even come from? It charged with a slight hobble in its step, but that barely seemed to affect it. Seeko and Soraka brought their weapons to bear and fired. Bullets exploded from Soraka’s VG-86 in a dance of green and yellow, each leaving with a fierce bang. Seeko’s pistols gave off small light blue flashes, a slight bang and hum sound. Strangely worded. Drakeo weapons used a technology universally known as Gauss. Gauss is where several magnets are used to propel an object an high speeds. Drakeo weapons fired a standard round that was then accelerated using Gauss technology, making each shot incredibly powerful, even from pistols.

Another big block of info. I fixed it up a bit, but I;m sure I missed quite a few pesky grammar mistakes.

The bullets impacted the creature with a slight ting sound, like they were impacting metal. What's a ting? Did you mean ping? Sparks also flew from the point were the bullet hit. It was almost at us when Soraka’s VG-86 clicked empty. Seeko’s pistols shortly followed. Both of them reloaded with lightening speed then renewed their attack. Again all three weapons clicked empty.

Is this third or first person? Because you began it as third person.

It reached us.

Once again you have entered the first person perspective. Why?

“Go on,” Black Wolf replied, sounding confused, yet intrigued.

Don't forget the comma.

“My informants tell me that a convoy, carrying large amounts of Human nuclear weapons, is en route to Lizaria. I think you meant route not rout. Or, I could be wrong, maybe that's how the military says it? Get aboard, hack into the autopilot and send the transports to the Savera system. We will commandeer the weapons, and give you face-to-face payment,” Leader explained. “On the topic of face-to-face…what race are you?”

“Really!” Leader exclaimed, “A Lizarian willing to attack their own Princess, and betray their allies, that I did not expect.”

Changed comma to a period.

“Go on. What race are you?” Black Wolf asked. Leader laughed, it made Black Wolf shudder.

A new persons actions should not be in the same line of another. Find a way to fix this? Perhaps reword the last sentence by bringing it down?

“Vorog” Leader said, sounding nothing short of proud, “General Rovok to be exact. Details are being transferred now.”

Again, always end dialogue with a period if it is the last thing said in a line.

This has been my grammar review. Have a nice day Stealth.

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Ok I have finally been able to edit this now that I have fixed my computer. (Virus attack) Anyway this is just a quick edit and I am going to go through it in more detail tomorrow.

All the best.