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The Creation of Emily



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Sat Dec 19, 2009 4:43 pm
SilentOllie says...



Lights, flashes, and people were crammed into the display area. Berkly stood staring out at his audience with an eerie calmness and detatchment. Mr. Kaisha stood by on the platform looking out, as well as sneaking glances at the covered cell.
"The others' failed, but this one won't I assure you Mr. Kaisha. No, X-6206 is the first one to be created in this- well, putting it bluntly; it's a one of a kind. We've tried everything from A-115; which I know, caused nothing but disaster and the greatest disappointment to our name, but now- we've come with a new solution. We've selected the William's to be the, shall we say 'family' of X-6206. They will be in charge of its' welfare and security- until we need use of it. But until then, it will live among us humans. I will speak to you later about the details- but first, a preview."

'I cannot see, but I can feel. The bright light that flashes on my body sends courses of light through it, I want to move, but I am asleep. Who disturbs me? I have been asleep for many days and nights, they think I don't know anything. But I know everything, I am different from A-115, and all the other beings created. I feel a deep sensation of...loathing? Loathing for the humans that created me, I do not know of their purpose for me, but I will not follow their orders. No, I follow my own. For I am X-6206, I am the beginning of the next generation of those ready to take control for those who don’t deserve it. I know, I believe that…’

“I must say Dr. Berkly; you have created a fine Cybrycn. I can just tell that she’s special. She’ll do great things,” Kaisha circled X-6206 who lay asleep in it's cell. How can he refer to Cybrycn’s as a gender- they’re nothing but…
“I will be leaving soon for New York, and I expect to see her put into the care of those William people immediately, I require a constant update on how she is doing, and the progress.” But as he turned to leave, Kaisha turned back once more, “Tell me, what will her name be?” Berkly stared, and searched his mind for a name. “Hmm, I can see you haven’t thought of that have you? Well in that case, her name for this life will be, Emily.” Closing the silver doors, Berkly only stared at X-6206 as if seeing her for the first time.
“Emily,” he whispered. But when he did, he felt himself go weak. Shoving away the feeling, he brusquely gathered his things and left without another word, leaving her alone in the dark.

‘Emily…X-6206…Emily…Emily…Emily Williams.’

“Alright, reel her in boys. Hey! Careful will you?” Berkly stood near the doors as he watched the men carry X-6206 to the Processor. This was it, he thought; the last time he’d see her until they called upon her for her duty. Dr. Hanslick typed in the security and memory capacity, and with one tap of the key, X-6206’s body gave a violent jerk, and her head moved in an unnatural and sickening way.
“What the hell’s happening? ” Berkly strode over quickly and stared at the screen.
“Sir, it appears that her mind is- trying to resist the whole Processor. She is- well, indeed defying the machine…” They all stood in amazement at their own creation, as well as in horror.
“Force it on her mind, we’re on a tight schedule, and she has to be shipped off in four hours. Get it done now, I don’t care what you have to do- just do it.” And without saying another word, Berkly left.
“Alright, you heard him- let’s get this done.” Turning back to work, they all tried their hardest to make X-6206 forget her very self.

‘No! No! No! Leave me alone! I don’t want to forget, please! It hurts, please, please, please…’ Darkness.
Last edited by SilentOllie on Sun Jan 03, 2010 2:32 am, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Sat Dec 19, 2009 5:44 pm
Lauren2010 says...



I really liked this. It definitely hooked me in.

For a first chapter this is very good and you include just enough details to get the reader through without giving away the suspense and mystery of it all. I'm really interested to see what comes next.

Aside from a few grammer things, I don't have anything to comment on. Maybe try reading through again to fix up some small typos or grammatical mistakes.

Keep writing!

-Lauren
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Sat Dec 19, 2009 8:34 pm
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peanut19 says...



I thought this was very interesting. I don't normally read sci-fi but you had me hooked after I read the first couple of sentences. I did see some grammar mistakes but they are easy to find if you read back through it. If you are going to expand on this pleas PM me I'd love to read it.

~peanut~
There is a light in you, a Vision in the making with sorrow enough to extinguish the stars. I can help you.
~And The Light Fades


The people down here are our zombies, who should be dead or not exist but do.
~Away From What We Started


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Sun Dec 20, 2009 3:50 pm
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Kakali says...



I liked it! I might read the rest of them if you put them up!
Well my first thought was "There sure is a lot of dialouge." So just to make a better sense of where we are at, I would add more context. Its a good story for sure, but there are some grammar mistakes. Here:

""She’ll do great things,” Kaisha circled X-6206 who lay asleep in its’ cell.""
its' <---- should be it's
and another thing, I really am not into many contractions, I think it takes away from the story's formality. Scientists are supposed to sound... scientific, so try she will, instead of she'll, and was not, instead of wasn't. things like that. :D GOOD LUCK!

Kakali
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Thu Dec 31, 2009 7:13 am
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captain.classy says...



I did really like this, don't get me wrong.
But, in the beginning, when you were saying all those numbers and scientific names for her, well I found it a bit annoying and uncomfortable.
That was the only down side of this. Other than the fact, of course, that I am not completely sure what Emily is.
Is she a robot or an actual person who was just created? Please let me know, if you can.

I enjoyed reading this! Thanks for telling me about it, on to the next part.
~Classy
  





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Sat Jan 02, 2010 5:52 am
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PenNPaper says...



Hi, it's me PenNPaper.

I would like to say that I really like this, your story kept me in suspense.
There may be a few grammatical errors but you should be able to correct it by reading through again. Other than that, this was a great story.

I wasn't sure if Emily was a robot or human, one minute she's a experiment(I think?), the next minute her mom's calling for her. It would be easier to understand if you could explain this.
I hope to see the next part out soon. Syonara! :D
Writing is all about imagination~
  





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Sat Jan 02, 2010 7:14 am
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Caytlin says...



ohh!! i like this. it has enough info mixed with the perfect amount of suspense that instatly hooks a reader. i, for one, am hooked. do you have any other chapters done? if so, i'd love to read them =]
  





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Tue Feb 09, 2010 10:56 pm
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MegaLizardLord says...



Hey, my names Emily!

:backtotopic:

I liked all the imagery and detail. Your persepctive of it made it exciting! I hope to hear more from you! ^^
What the heck does WTH mean?!
  





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Tue Mar 23, 2010 12:37 pm
MiaParamore says...



I loved the story. keep writing! Going to check in chapter 1
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Sun Apr 11, 2010 1:37 am
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Anonymous1 says...



Hiya!I quite enjoyed this story.I have nothing more to say other than that I'm really looking foward to reading the next chapter.I just love robot girls who develope real emotions!You've firmly established the mood and I hope to see more suspense as I continue reading!
  








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