Young Writers Society

Chapter 1
I open my eyes for the first time, ever. I try to sit up, but it hurts. I take in the scenery my body allows me to see. It's a dark one person cell, with a bed, which I'm currently laying on. I try to sit up again, and fall back with a loud bang. Then, footsteps approach the door, and the door opens.

"So, I see you've awaken." a warm voice says. "Can you move?"
"Igantbove." I try to speak, but i can't work the words correctly.
He laughs as he takes out a vial with golden liquid bubbling inside. He drops a single drop on my body and suddenly flames erupt from all around, engulfing my body. Every inch of my body burns, and I scream in pain, still unable to move. After a minute when the flames die, the voice commands me to stand up. I try again, and this time I succeed.
"I will expect to see you in the dining hall in an hour. You may walk around and do as you please. You may go anywhere except outside. That is if you want to live of course." the old man says gravely.
"What's outside? Wait, more important the that, who am I, and where am I?" I ask in a raspy voice. It hurts to talk and I choke.
"I will answer all those questions now. First, you have no name. You are a nobody. But if you really want a name, I guess Garrett as your first name, and Sisley, which is my last name would work. Second, you're in the dungeon of a castle. King Abimelch owns this castle and the forest around it. You must not go outside because you are not 'forged'."
"Forged? What do you mean?"
The old man looks down at his watch. "You will find out in due time." As he speaks he turns to walk away, but I stop him.
"You never told me your name." I growl. I'm starting to not like this old man.
"Abraham. Names are important in this castle. I'm glad you asked." Abraham smiles and walks away slowly.
I walk out of my small cell to see an endless row of cells, occupied with monsters. Dog-looking monsters, and shadows that whisper. Then a small creature that looks human walks slowly towards me.
"You are Garrett?" it rasps.
"Yeah. What do you want?"
"I was directed by Abraham to stay with you. I am your servant."
I look at my new servant with disgust. The face of the creature looked as if it had a gas mask glued to it, and then torn off. It has a shabby rob on,l and dark clammy skin.
"Can you answer any questions I would have?" I ask.
"No."
"Well, besides being my servant, do you have a name?"
"Servants are not given names."
"I'm sorry." I apologize.
"You should get to the dining hall. Master would be very angry to find you late."
"Master? Don't you mean Abraham?"
"No. I mean Master. As in the one you call Abimelch." the servant says pointedly.
"Oh. Well, lead the way." I tell the servant, gesturing outside.
When I reach the dining hall, King Abimelch and Abraham are sitting and talking very seriously. I look around the table to see that there is not a chair that is open.
"Uhm... King Abimelch. Can I have a chair to sit in?" I ask timidly.
"Oh! Of course." the King exclaims as he conjures his chair out of thin air.
Abraham looks at me and tells me, "We have something very important to tell you."
"I'm listening." I reply.
"Abraham and I think that we should 'forge' you tonight. Right now to be exact." Abraham says gravely.
"I never agreed." muttered Abraham.
I burst out before I can stop myself, "What does it mean to forge someone?"
"It means, we're going to use the magic we possess to rewrite every particle in your body. We're going to make you stronger so you can fight for us." King Abimelch says grandly, smiling like an idiot.
"Magic? Rewrite? Fight? What do you mean? You never told me about this!" I shout at Abraham.
"You haven't told him?" King Abimelch asks. "It's the best thing that'll ever happen to him, and you probably haven't even told him the one thing he wants to know." King Abimelch turns to me and asks "Have you ever wondered how you came here?"
"Well, I thought my parents... I don't know actually. Wasn't I born?"
"No. You were shaped." King Abimelch explains gravely.

End of Chapter 1. Hope you enjoyed it! Chapter 2 is on it's way!

Hi there, JapaneseNinja! Welcome to the site. =)

This is an intriguing opening you have here, but I think it needs some touching up.

1) First thing is, I'm left wondering if this is meant to be written in the first person (I do this) or third person (he does this)? You change. The chapter starts with the first person, then swaps to the third, then goes back to the first again.

Unless you're a literary genius like E. L. Doctorow, I'd recommend picking one and sticking with it throughout.

Same with your tense. You switch between present (he does this) and past (he did this) throughout. Pick one and stick to it. Consistency of style is one of the foundations of good writing.


2) Your dialogue punctuation isn't quite right.

Here is a good explanation of the rules, and here is a quick demonstration of how to do it. Check out both links and memorise the rules. They're quite simple once you've got the hang of them, and make your writing look so much more professional, it's unbelievable. Definitely worth learning.


3) Okay, onto the actual story:

I'm wondering why the main character is so lucid? He's just been made, yet he doesn't seem at all confused. He can already speak perfect English, and has indepth knowledge of the world. Considering that he is (essentially) a new born baby, this is somewhat odd.

You can hand-wave the being able to speak and stuff away easily enough - and I imagine you will, in a later chapter, by saying how he was created with knowledge, or something. So, that's okay.

But I'd like to see the creation process being a bit more ... confusing, I suppose? Think: he's just been created. He'll be confused and disorientated. Think how groggy you are when you wake up in the morning - and that's just waking up, not being created. Yet here Garrett is able to quickly identify what's happening, can take in his surrounding, knows what's happening, etc.

How exactly you go about this is up to you. You could, for example, have him be unable to identify where the pain is coming from on his body, have him unable to identify the bed (describe what it feels like and stuff, but have him unable to figure out what it is), have him be half-blinded by the light, have him struggle to understand the man, etc. There's a lot you can do here. Try to disorientate the reader, so they're as confused as the character.



Still, this is an ambitious start to a novel, which impresses me. I enjoyed what you have here, and I hope you have fun writing the remainder of the story. =)


-- Sureal

Hey JapaneseNinja/Jonathan! Remember meeeeee?

That's a pretty good start, mate. The only things I really have to say are stay in either the first- or third-person, and put spaces in between dialogue and new paragraphs! Here's an example of what I mean. Which is easier to read:


"So, I see you've awaken." A warm voice says. "Can you move?"
I shake my head from side to side.
"But you can. You just moved your head." He laughs as he takes out a vial with golden liquid bubbling inside. He drops a single drop on my body and suddenly flames erupt from all around, engulfing my body. Every inch of my body burns, and I scream in pain, still unable to move. After a minute when the flames die, the voice commands me to stand up. I try again, and this time I succeed.
"I will expect to see you in the dining hall in an hour. You may walk around and do as you please. You may go anywhere except outside. That is if you want to live of course." the old man says gravely.


Or THIS?


"So, I see you've awaken." A warm voice says. "Can you move?" I shake my head from side to side.

"But you can. You just moved your head." He laughs as he takes out a vial with golden liquid bubbling inside. He drops a single drop on my body and suddenly flames erupt from all around, engulfing my body. Every inch of my body burns, and I scream in pain, still unable to move. After a minute when the flames die, the voice commands me to stand up. I try again, and this time I succeed.

"I will expect to see you in the dining hall in an hour. You may walk around and do as you please. You may go anywhere except outside. That is if you want to live of course." the old man says gravely.


It not only makes your story easier to read, but also makes your story look longer. Anyway, beautiful start!

@ Sureal. I explain how he can speak from the beginning in chapter. 2 Thanks for all the help on the punctuation, I'm hoping to use it from now on!

@ Grant/Garrett! I'm going to take your advice and use it in chapter 3. I didn't feel like making the changes to chapter 1 and 2.

Thanks for all the support guys!